The Wicked Cottage

After-Christmas, that most holy of time when traditionally septuagenarians bash each others skulls out to get a santa's head that's 75% off, my husband and I like to poke around the little town buildings to see if there's anything we can fix up.

A few years back we got a Vineyard that I turned into a Vampire Blood Bath for under $10.

This year, the town stuff was a little on the sparse side but my husband zeroed in on a cottage so quaint it made Garrison Keillor vomit up rainbows.

While it would work well for the old ladies that were working over the kidneys it was all wrong for our Halloween Town.

Not pictured are the trellis and dog I zapped with the heat gun before attempting to pull off which wound up with the dog's head snapping off.

Out came my black paint, the easiest way to spooky up anything, wetting the brush I added a layer of the runny, drippy darkness:

I impatiently let that dry before adding another coat of black, followed by rimming the various lines to make the windows and such pop. Oh and then killing the foliage.

Now that's a witches cottage!

For one final touch I gave the chickens red eyes because I'm sure if they had the option they'd prefer emu eyes.

And that's why I only use my powers for evil.

Keep the Pagan in Christmas

Due to my Ostrich lifestyle I managed to miss most if not all of the fabricated War against an impenetrable concept (which is rather sad as I had some lovely candy can missals all rigged up this year).

At least until braving the relatively empty stores two days after the holiday to find someone sporting a window decal with a silhouette nativity and the dreaded phrase "Keep Christ in Christmas."

So I felt the need to respond in kind, not so much to him but to the universe in general.

Oh I also made a painting yesterday, it was supposed to start out looking one way but I got mad waiting for paint to dry and the sky cracked a bit. This is why I should never have superpowers.

What do you mean you're out of caramel? I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!

Anyway, it's a tree with a shattered twilight background:

Paint? Why you no dry faster?

TerraFae - Preview

Greetings from the other side of Christmas! It's rather warm over here, surprisingly, with piles of papery debris that I swear move in the corner of your eye.

With the winter holiday behind me, this is my time to get started on some long term projects. There's the mage staff I've been eyeballing since early October, a scarecrow that would scare the piss out of all manner of murderous avian, and - oh yeah - that novel thing.

Well I have some sort of good news, I've given my larval stage tale a pass through so I feel confident in sharing the still young first three chapters for a preview.

TerraFae: Immortality is for the elves

  Branches yielded back to the tracker on the scent of new prey - a strange slide of leaves here, a broken blade of grass there told a story anyone literate in the hunting and stalking game could read.
      
      "I'm gettin hungry; it's been 'ours. Canna we take a break?"

Merry Elf

You've already started your holiday weekend haven't you? It's all right, you can tell me the truth.

I can take it.

Well everyone who's already off making merry and holly jollying and sledding naked down the snow pile in a walmart parking lot won't get to enjoy this.

Happy flee from your relatives day everyone.

An early present

This is the week that will never end, isn't it?

It has to be at least mid January by now, or somewhere around MLK day but it isn't even the 23rd of December yet! Has anyone checked on the Tardis lately? I fear it may have exploded again.

But the Christmas break is nearly upon us so it's a good time to spend 50 minutes in front of youtube reliving memories for childhood:

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Introverted Style

Twas the night before Christmas, fire on the yule log
Not a creature was stirring, except for the dog.
The stockings were left by the chimney alone,
In hopes that a mouse would not call them home.

The tv was cooling its power now undone,

From visions of alien ufo's and other reruns.
And me in my toe socks, covered in sheep,
Gave up and decided to head to sleep

When out on the road there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tripped over the dog and ripped my leg a gash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

I limped to the window and what did I see,

A strange old man with a sack full of trees.

He looked out of his mind and covered in puke
I knew in a moment it must be some kook

Tipping this and that his belches rattled his frame,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called out by name!

"Now Thrasher! now, Lancer! now, Rankor and Licksen!
On, Vomit! On, Stupid! on, on Dumbass and Nixon!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As only a drunkard's focus a ladder he raised, 
His hair was matted and his eyes were crazed.
So up to the house-top the coursers they climbed,
I'd say something here but nothing rhymed.

And then, in a thud, I heard on the roof

At the man tripping, my dog gave a woof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the transient came with a bound.

He was dressed all in spandex, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of cans he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his breath like a brewery!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard full of food was best to forgo.

The stump of a bottle he held tight in his teeth,
As most of the booze dribbled out beneath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he stumbled, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right frightening old elf,
And I screamed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And swiped all the liquor, what a big jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And grabbing a rope, up the chimney he rose!

He slipped off the roof, to his friends gave a whistle,
And away he flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, we're gettin' hammered tonight!"

Robot Santa

Our Christmas Tree already houses a Tardis with a weeping angel watching, a Planet Express Ship and the recent addition of a Gun Turret from Portal "I see you."

But that is not enough. No sir! We require more proof that this is not a normal Christmas tree burning brightly with the souls of long forgotten bandits who wandered into the Will o' the wisps lair and never came back.

This one was pretty much all my husband's idea. It kept him busy while I was putting a Tardis in the Snow. He created the model using polymer clay and then I took out some paints, a vaguely steady hand and together we gave birth to Robot Santa:

Now he can decide who'd been naughty and who's been REALLY naughty on our tree.

I hear my husband's next plan is for a Krampus, so I expect a giant war to break out over who gets to punish naughty children at some point on the tree.

Tardis in Snow

Last week I got a for me somewhat hefty commission of the painting onto canvas type in the form of a Tardis in the Snow on a 16X20.

I will admit I was a touch terrified that there was no way I could possibly get it done before Christmas and that it would get caught shipping in that nebulous dangerous time along with all the other boxes hoping for a home.

Not to mention the fact I hadn't really picked up a brush and put to canvas in ages due to this thing called Hallowritinglife. It's a real time suck I swear.

But after making a quick run to the craft store (where I only had to clobber 10 grannies to make it out alive) I sat down with canvas and ruler and sketched out the Tardis.

Once it was there in all its boxy glory I painted the first layer brown, so now I know what the Tardis would look like if one day all the paint fell off. There was a method to my madness but it had something to do with cute hats on newts so it's not really worth mentioning.

The addition of some classic Tardis blue over the top and tada, the beginnings of the blue box:

After that I added all the signs and gave the box some more depth with shadows and a few more layers for a summery cut.

Oh and the tree, the customer wanted a Tardis by a tree. I swear I don't just put trees everywhere I please, generally.

So that's my Tardis in the Snow painting and also why I'm only getting my Christmas cards out now:

Kwanzaa Cake

If you haven't heard of the Kwanzaa Cake I'll wait while you watch this video to get all caught up. Don't worry, no rush.

Truly you must see this in all its WTF glory.



Done?

I have one of those mythical on-line friends who likes to hate that thing so I figured what would be a better ornament than the mythical kwanzaa cake?

It's a fairly easy shape for my husband to cut his teeth on until he gets to the sculpting point of making me a dragon. I want a dragon on my christmas tree damnit!

He make the angel food base poorly frosted, the "acorn" corn nuts along the base, the apple pie filling mercilessly jammed into the hole and the candles to pretend it's Kwanzaa.

Then I pulled out my paints and got to work.

I finished it off with some epoxy in the center to mimic the pie filling gel and then covered it all in a clear acrylic coating so it shined in all its horrific glory.

Hope you enjoy glaring at it Dawn.

Snowman Poop

It's that time of year again, it's always that time of year instead of being that time of the decade or millennium.

Christmas is knocking around in the walls demanding its fish heads so I decided to get a jump on the cookie plate by making my snowman poop and elf crap, which are quite possibly the easiest cookies in human existence.

And they're better frozen so they can be made rather early in advance.

Curious how to make them yourself? Well I just happen to have an old recipe post kicking around for all to enjoy.

Merry Mad Dash to the finish line.

I would like to introduce you all to the best cookie ever.

You don't need to have any baking skills at all to make them. Hell you don't even need an oven or pots or pans. Everyone loves them and they're gone before you can even turn around.

I have no idea what their real name is but we call them "Elf Crap" and "Snowman Poop." I've been making these bad boys since my Sophomore year in college when my best friend and I started a weird tradition of trying to make Christmas cookies in the dorms with no kitchen.

The first step, get yourself a huge bag of oreos and put them all in a zip lock bag (you may even want to double bag it).

Next pull out your beating utensil of choice. I've used everything from a hammer to a biochemistry textbook to a bottle of wine. This year I picked an ice cream scoop.

Then just start swinging:

While you're working out the stress of the day (it really helps to imagine you're punching that nosy relative who is sure to ask "Should you really be eating that?" in the face) have some almond bark melting in a crock pot. Or if you don't have a crock pot a microwave works just as well (and if you are in the middle of the woods with neither just start sitting on the almond bark til your body heat melts it).

While all this was going on you should have had a package of cream cheese (8 ounces) warming on the counter. What do you mean you didn't do that? Saying I didn't tell you is no excuse.

Well when you do pull that out and your cookies are thoroughly pulverized dump them into a bowl. After the cream cheese has warmed add it to the cookies and mix, mix, mix!
This is the best part as you get to goo up your entire hand in chocolate cream cheese goodness (and of course you have to lick some off to test it):

Once you're done mixing it all up together, and have finished cleaning up your hands (licking is perfect acceptable as I doubt any human being with taste buds could resist) it's time to make the Snowman poop.

Just form the cookie cheese mixture into a small ball and dip it into the almond bark. Then let them set out on the counter for a half hour or so:

All that work will yield a wonderful crop of poop related treats in neat little rows:

We always make chocolate as well (my personal favorite).Now just try to not eat them all up while they're sitting there. One word of warning, make sure to only get the Oreos with white filling. The dyed ones (you know in Red & Green) do horrible unspeakable things to almond bark (that was a really fun year trying to fix that mess).

They may not be the prettiest cookie out there but I bet even Martha Stewart would gobble a few down when no one is looking.

He's a chicken I tell you! A giant chicken!

Winter Blunder Land

I'm in denial that it is really December.

Oh sure I'm grateful that November is dead and buried but that hasn't slowed down the business, if anything it's been this strange ride slowly up from October as more and more shit jumps up demanding attention.

At this rate the January plummet shall cause my ears to pop and possible nose bleeds. And then maybe one of those loops in February.

The first snow hit here on Saturday and kept hitting until everyone was shaking their shovels at the sky asking why? WHY MUST YOU BLIGHT US ALL?!

But everyone gets that way with the first snow. For the first hour it's pretty to watch, then as an inch accumulates it's exciting. By hour 4 you're gazing at the long since lost driveway thinking maybe nature can knock it off.

Come hour 10 when one should be sleeping but is instead gripping a mug of hot water glaring menacingly at each new white flake as though it killed your hamster snow madness has finally set in.

For me a fresh snowfall usually means picture time and this was no different.

Of course just because it was snowing didn't mean we couldn't not play with the dog so she was bundled up in her new coat (which she hasn't let us take off since) and since we couldn't make it to the dog park off to throw the ball in the miniscule wooded area in walking distance.

 Out front our little gargoyle has remained from Halloween guarding over our few steps from evil spirits. I don't think he knew what to make of all that white stuff:

A few more hours in and the branch above him had practically obscured poor little Gargoyles vision, you can't frighten evil when trapped under mounds of snow. I think:

And because I have a skeleton and an axe I did my own reinterpretation of Skyrim. Loot the corpse! Loot the corpse!

More snow is supposed to come tomorrow so I'll either be photographing it on top of a tea service kit or really going out of my mind.

The Geekiest Christmas Tree

December has just jumped up and kicked November hard in its giblets.

Temperature dropped a good 40 degrees over the past two days and there are talks of the first snow which means everyone is running around like a guillotined poultry.

So I thought this was a good time to show off the Introverted Christmas Tree and our more particular brand of crazy ornaments.

Surprise surprise, the tree is mostly blue with some white and green thrown in. I've been searching for a replacement LED star topper that doesn't change colors or do other weird shit and well I finally gave up and got one that switches from blue to green. At least it's not every skittle color in a manic attempt at a Disco.

But what I really wanted to show off were the Ornaments my husband started working on at the end of Christmas last year and accomplished sometime between then and May.

Don't blink, blink and you won't get any presents. He did all the crafting while I did the painting.

To go with the old Hallmark Millenium Falcon and handful of Starships we have a Planet Express ship:

This year I saw that Think Geek had a little Portal turret flashlight that would be perfect for protecting the tree from any snoopers or other people who destroy their companion cube:

I see you. Rat-a-tat-tat-tat

And those are our more unexplainable ornaments (we don't talk about the cucumber) most homemade because idle hands are the devils playthings and he's charging by the hour.