From the workshop

Hola,

Como estas? Feliz Cumpleaños. Donde esta el baño? (That's what two years of High school spanish gets you.)

It's been a while since I pulled back the fourth wall and let you all into my little workshop, so I thought I'd share (it would be quite the tease to say I'm going to and then not though). Most of it's glycerin related but there is one painting, which I'll just get out of the way now.

I have a twitter friend that always shares lovely moon pictures which inspire me, and this time I wanted to go for more of a laying on your back perspective with trees. But still keep it just black and white because it's such an interesting contrast

How about I just show the picture instead of trying to explain it.

Because I'm just so awesome at titles I called it Moon through the trees - Grabs at you about as much as Arrangement in Grey and Black, eh?

Now for fun soaps, we've had them made for a while but I've been slowly listing so people don't get glutted with the awesomeness of organ shaped soaps.

There's a stomach that smells like banana bread (mostly bananas and nuts but it's really tasty)

BRRAAAINS! Because what's a zombies bathroom without a few brain soaps:

No one can pass up the hand soap joke, but I like that ours isn't so life like in color but detail:

#OHNOMYSPLEEN

Can I have your liver then?

And finally for the super nerd, some flasks for all those evil Mad Scientist experiments.

I'll be having a de-stash/grab bag later where I'll put some test soaps up for cheap. They're just fine but I really don't need all the ones I made for pictures sitting around staring at me with their dermis and nephrons.

We made it baby!

After the Rifftrax Christmas special last year I came back home with an idea for a cute little inside joke/cartoon in my head.

I sat down, doodled the thing out, gave it some color then shared it across the internets. I figured a few people would be entertained with it, but amazingly it got a good 300 views and was even tweeted by one of the writers of the show.

Then life moved on, I drew a tasteless Furby cartoon and we all tried to survive the great Yeti attacks of Christmas 2009.

Last week someone dug up my old cartoon praising its tree like ways and noticeable lack of having an account of any kind. Which finally made me decide, I should put that sucker on a T-shirt.

Naturally I didn't want to put to much effort into it, so in enters Cafe Press where everyone goes to make quick t-shirts on the internet.

It wasn't too hard to set up, just upload the image and make your selections for what to sell (I also stuck it on a clock and apron because I thought it was hilarious, as you can see my sense of humor lies somewhere in the spectrum of Vaudeville and a hyena that got into a nitrous oxide plant).

Then Tweet about the shop and you're on your way (okay since I had no plans to make a cent off the shirts it was easier because there was no entering monetary info).

This is taking too long. Just skip to the good part.

Here's my design on a T-Shirt!

And because just one other twitter friend has so far jumped on the accountless tree bandwagon I'll be one of only two people in the world to own one.

It was so much fun to do, and cool to have a copy of my work I can advertise a bit better maybe if I make another popular design (perhaps a bit more accessible to those who can't make a certain live event) I'll do more shirts.

*******

Now I want to switch gears completely and talk about the bowl of supper from last night. More specifically I'd like to talk to Madison Avenue guys, meet me at Camera three.

Hi, I'm sure right now you're all patting yourselves on the back for what you thought was a winning pass to the endzone but I'm here to wave this yellow flag in your face and call you for holding and unnecessary douchebaggery.

See, I know in your little world it's only men who watch the Super Bowl spending 9 months revving up with their mural sized TVs, bathtub salsa and a recliner that should reside in Versailles. Women are something on the fringe, possibly the suppliers of chips who otherwise just, I don't know, knit sweaters for cats in the background.

How else to explain the round of horrific, dull, mind numbingly misogynistic commercials this year.

You may all want to sit down for this because I'm about to rock your world. Women actually watch the game.

Quick! Someone get the smelling salts!

Yes, not only do they see these commercials calling them all harpies and soul destroyers out to devour those bros whose money you want some even tune in just for those. And you just insulted half of your possible buying power Dodge, Dockers, Doritos (I love how the three worst all start with a D, they're the Triple Douches), Bridgestone and Budweiser (oh right in your world women never drink beer too), actually it might be even higher than half as women seem to make many of the purchase decisions in the household.

If you were a chemist would you get to keep your job if your new drug worked only 65% of the time and the other 45% of your consumers died off?

You need a better illustration of what you're doing to yourselves? Take out your wallets, remove your money, now set half of it on fire. That's pretty much what your "Bros before Hos" attitude is doing to the bottom dollar.

The super bowl has almost next to nothing to do with football in this country any more. Sure some tune in for what is supposed to be the best game of the year (which is highly debatable anymore, last night really felt like a college game to me to the point where I was waiting for a college ad to pop up) but it's become much more than that.

Like New Years, people gather not to usher in the New Year with a celebration to embrace change but an excuse to get trashed, eat comforting food and hang out with friends.

The super bowl has become a chance to party hearty and who's job is it always to plan the parties (at least according to Wal-Mart), that's right the half of the population you spent all night insulting.

I think this flowchart nicely illustrates just what I'm getting at (found here):

You played hard (or not really at all, judging by that contemptible Dodge ad, seriously was anyone even trying or did you just dig up a 1950's comic?) and as they say there's always next year. But I'm thinking you need a few years out before you're ready.

Maybe send you back down to the minors to perfect your dunking skills and then we'll see about letting you back into the rink.

What do you mean I'm mixing sports metaphors? I'm just a girl, right Madison Avenue, I don't know nothing about that football stuff. Now if I were you I'd get out of here before I'm called for kicking you all in the nuts.

Twitter, an unsuccesful guide

Twitter, the revolution sweeping the world as it links you to the lunch Ashton Kutcher had yesterday. Only with Web (what are we at now, 3.5 at least) can you get that kind of information. Before twitter you'd have to wait weeks to see just what color of nail polish Courtney Love painted her dog and if Ice-T bothered to take his trash cans in yet.

Now, it's instant.

*uh huh, yeah you think anyone will buy that? Fine*

I have just been told that apparently there's some social aspect for non celebrities on twitter. Yeah I don't get it either. I was so sure the entire point of twitter was to validate people whose main talent is looking pretty on camera.

The web is littered with helpful guides on how to set up your account, how to get lots of followers and just your general successfullness guaranteed if you send then a dollar. So I thought I'd toss my own hat into the quagmire with my own list:

How NOT to Succeed on Twitter: A comprehensive list from the top of my head because I just got into a hashtag game that's way more fun than this thing.

Revenge of the Fallen

1.  Before you're ready to start twittering (as is the happening lingo) you'll need to pick a username. If you really want to fail spectacularly at writing the bird I suggest you pick the longest most incomprehensible name possible "HimynameisdougandIreallylikeCheese" that way anytime someone goes to contact you they have to keep their message as short as possible because your name eats up so many characters.
   
   "@johnsjusthadareallynicesandwich ur names too lon"
   
   It'll make it incredibly annoying and next to impossible for anyone to contact you, leaving you free to socially connect with spam bots and your own mouse.
   
   Or, if long isn't your thing you could always try dirty. Put a few random capitalizations in there, at least five X's and everyone will label you a spam bot and unfollow you instantly.
   
   
2. You've picked your name now to fill out all that other interesting stuff so people get a nice rounded view of you right off the bat, right? NAH!
   
   No one wants to know that you're a sales rep from Utah, or a dolphin trainer in Saskatchewan. And they certainly aren't interested if you're currently on a deep space mission for the FBI. So keep all that personal interesting stuff to yourself.
   
   
3. Av's, avatars, avalon. Call it what you like but it's the worlds window into your soul. People don't have time to read and form an idea of your personality based upon your tweets, they need something concrete and visual to help them sum up instantly if you're worthy of their attention or not.
   
   Many people obsess over their avs, trying to find the best picture of themselves or an amalgum of their favorite hobbies. But they forget the five L's
   
   Loathsome, Laborius, Lousy, Loud and Lunchtime.
   
   Your av should be the most loathsome image anyone has ever seen (extra points if you stick a hitler mustache on it). It should be laborius to look at, I mean the biggest eye strain this side of those magic eye books (spiny and shiny gets you a few more credit bits). Lousy and loud explain themselves, if they haven't figured out how to attach a Lady Gaga soundclip to avs yet you might want to get to work on that.
   
   And of course Lunchtime because you've got more important things to do, so just steal one from your coworker and get back to your cob salad.
   
   
4. You got your account, you have your tumbleweed filled bio and you've got your nauseating av. Time to start tweeting right?
   
   Not so fast, you're going to want to build up followers first. Followers are the bread crumbs of the Twitter world, while most ducks would be happy with a handful to keep them entertained and from blowing their little duck brain, the truly greedy demand at least a million crumbs so their livers explode into a foie gras festival.
   
   And how does one get so many followers? That's in all those other guides, this is how to be UNsucessful remember? So I have no idea how one gets a lot of people hanging off their every word (though it seems the trick is to have been on TV at least once and have absolutely nothing worth sharing).
   
   I'm here to teach you how to find and lose followers as fast as your fingers can type. But that'll have to wait for another number because I need to stretch this list out to 10 or my editors'll kill me.
   
   
5.  On the side you'll see something called "Trending Topics." If you want to get a ton of people to follow who won't follow you back click on one of those topics and start adding every single name that comes up.
   
   Even if they look like they're 15, have a unibomber shack or are clearly three moneys in a trench coat add, add, add! No one will have a clue who you are, and because you won't have tweeted yet yourself or have any followers they'll assume you're a spam bot yourself and won't follow you back.
   
   This is doubly true for Spam Bots, secretly they hate each other and will fight tooth and nail to take down anyone else that is trying to sell Viagra to bored teenagers or vacuums to dolphins in house coats.
   
   With this advise you're sure to never have a single follower, and you'll probably wind up blocked a good dozen times over (and maybe on a few Michigan Militia guys lists).
   
   
6.  But you screwed up, you tweeted "Hi, Mom" before going on your adding spree and now all of a sudden people are following you back.
   
   Don't worry, I can help you through this mess you got yourself into, dumbass. First you have to make a decision, you can either put no effort forth and expect it to take years for your account to die or spend two weeks at the computer going out in a blaze of glory that's sure to wind up with your picture a 4chan.
   
   For this number lets assume you want to go the light and easy way, it's quite simple really. Only tweet once a week, and even then just as a quick reply to someone famous like Colonel Sanders praising his biscuits. Slowly weed yourself off your twitter addiction so you're only getting on once a month, maybe a punitative "Is anyone here" at month 6 and by year two you'll have been deleted after everyone on your lists went through a spring cleaning.
   
   
7. The blaze of glory is a lot more work and time, but also infinetly more fun.
   
   First, get yourself a giant bottle of your beverage of choice (we're talking keg sized) and say goodbye to any loved ones. Wedge yourself into the best computer chair sulk posture so your back resembles a jellyfish and get those fingers acracking.
   
   Type Type Type! Type about every disturbing and horrifying thought that's ever crossed your mind. Mention how you always thought you'd rather drink Burt Reynolds urine over Tom Sellecks. Or how if they really want football to be accurate they should replace the ball with a litter of piglets.
   
   While this will get rid of most of the normal people who were too nice to not delete you at first, you'll still have the freaks and monkeys to be rid of. Time to unleash part two.
   
   
8. Re-tweeting is where a person copys and reposts what they, in theory, thought was a hilarious or well thought tweet from someone else.
   
   It's also the perfect way to annoy the hell out of everyone.
   
   First, you'll have to get yourself a copy of the MLA or just sit with dictionary.com open. Troll the twitter stream looking for anyone with a blatant mispelling or incorrect pronoun usage, split infinitives are a goldmine. Then retweet  "RT @Ilovepie That game was off da hook // I believe you meant it was off "the" hook."
   
   Do this for a few weeks (the Hitler mustache would come in super handy about now as well) before you unleash phase two. Now start to jump over perfectly acceptable spelling and grammar. RT @lollypopguild Just when the butterfly was about to emerge from the chrysalis my Mom showed up// It's spelled chrystler dumbass!
   
   Even becoming the Grammar Nazi of Twitter isn't enough to get rid of some people (those spam bots are notorius for gobbing onto your leg and requring the jaws of life or a lot of fire to be rid of).
   
   
9.  So we move to the last and final tip on how to be as unsuccesful at twitter as one can be. You'll need a digital camera and the cooperation of Twitpic but I'm sure they can be convinced to go along with the right service agreement.
   
   Food is very popular on Twitter right now; what people are preparing, what they're eating, what they're wishing they could eat (actresses *shrug*). Why not take it to the next level. Upload pictures showcasing first your dinner and then the subsequent bowel movement.
   
   Offer up detailed descriptions and make up some weights to give it scientific credibility. Eat a lot of corn.
   
   
10. There you have it, my top 10 tips on how to be the most annoying person on twitter this side of Larry King (yes he's really on there *shudder*).
    
    I hope you all think of me as you have restraining orders brought against you, random visits from some gun toting guy named Larry and special deliveries from the Monkey Mafia.
    
    

Next week I'll cover how to be Unsucessful at blogging. The first tip, mention feces way more than necessary in a parody post.

That's one Soapy Giveaway

Uh oh, I said the magic words.

Soon the hordes from that one blog whose name shant be mentioned upon pain of Avada Kedavra shall be unleashed upon us all.

But wait, I should be safe. It isn't I who is hosting the giveaway. It's my good friend Linda from Silly Little Mischief.

And I'm sharing this good news with you all because she's actually giving away three of my heart soaps to the lucky winner (and I'll throw in an extra random organ because I have a lot of trial runs kicking around gathering dust).

So if you had an interest in my soaps but didn't want to have to go to all the work of paying for them head on over to her giveaway.

It's amazing, I've already sold 7 soaps so far and we haven't been open quite a week yet. What was I thinking getting into painting, body cleansing is where the real money is.

Once more just to tempt the blog gods - Giveaway.

*Lightning crash*

Ep, I'm outta here.

Sudsy Biology

*Reaches behind*

*Pulls out 3 foot long trumpet*

*Takes a breath*

*Bangs trumpet on ground*

Lords, Ladies and Lordly Ladies! I have some exciting, magnanimous rambuctilious news with which to share with all of you people type organisms.

Sorry, where was I again? Oh right, by proclamation of the Duchess of this Blog you are all invited to the Grand Opening of one Sudsy Biology the rockingest, sudsiest nerd fest this side of Comicon.

And just what will you find at this Sudsy Biology? Why every kinds of anatomical soap imaginable.

We've got hearts:

 

We've got lungs:

We've got intestines:

And for some reason we all have uteri:

Best of all, every one of these little guys comes in its own specially made "Human Organs" cooler:

I've already got 7 different organs listed and a ton more to slowly get up over the week including some more sciencey type things.

Go on over and check out the different fragrance options. Though, we're still trying to perfect the snozeberry.

There ya go, opening of Sudsy Biology. That's about it.

Oh wait, the King still wants Robin Hood dead. Yada yada yada, you know the drill. Now lets all get back to dying of the plague.