What the hell does :(->: mean?

I have been harboring a deep dark secret that brings shame not only upon me but my family, my dog and for some reason my refrigerator (it's a very empathic food vessel).

You see, I am *gulp* an emoticon illiterate!

Having grown up with the IM computing age I have no plausible explanation for the fact that a series of random punctuation and letters that so many can read instantly as a mood or passion is a block of squiggly lines for me. If there are little icons, small green or yellow faces shaking in pixelated fury then I understand but the core essence of greater than, hyphen and colon's and I'm lost.

Here for your amusement is how I read those squiggles when talking to someone across the vast intertubes.

How an emoticon illiterate sees the world:

;) = I lost my contact


;O = I took out my contact and shoved it in my mouth


:) = a banana and two peas


........:P = a man with 8 nails in his head


:[ = space invader


:{ = cookie monster


o:-) = lobotomy


<:-( = lobotomy with a band saw.


|-I = Cylon


|-O = lobotomized cylon


;-> = pac man eating a one eyed ghost


l:-0? = now you're just fucking with me