Halloween Wars - Week 1

*cough cough*

I, I think I'm alive. Let me clear some of this dirt off my glasses. There. Did anyone else feel that spindly hand clutching at their leg before being wrenched down and down into this early grave?

No, just me?

Well, we best work our way out. I think I see a light up ahead and it's...

OH GOD NO! NOT AGAIN! RUN!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into Halloween, Food Network is back to suck out your soul, spin it in the blender, coat it in butter and deep fry it.

Please, god, no more travel shows with Next Star rejects!

And all your favorite players are back. There's pun in a blazer who looks like he didn't realize Y2K is long over, there's asian Kerry Vincent there to make every contestant cry, and oh no I'm being told this is a different random guy who works on props in movies that's just there to shout "THAT'S NOT HALLOWEEN ENOUGH!"

And because it wouldn't be a FoodNetwork competition show without a throw-away spot, I mean guest judge we have:

Hm...my notes say she was in some movies involving wood working equipment so let's go with The Star of Lathe! Mostly she giggled a lot and talked about how she wanted to be a male clown. A rare success in the guest judge seat really (please tell me they are given crayons and safety scissors in the green room).

Now let's get the spooky cake competition rumbling!

No, I'm sorry we have to waste time forcing all four teams to make a little piece because mumbledumbledoo.

The reason there is no God declared that this challenge would be to make either a Ghoul a Goblin or both. He then proceeded to explain what a Ghoul and a Goblin were with adorable handpuppets (I may have made the handpuppets up).

Apparently Revenants and Kobolds is too esoteric for FoodNetwork. Philistines.

Giada also told him to bring her the heart of anyone prettier than her.

Let's skip over the staring at a clock, people not understand the simple concept of time flow and get to the pieces.

 This

was supposed to be this:

An old woman broken free from her plastic surgery stupor, hell bent on gnawing upon twizzlers in the middle of a graveyard.

Nom Nom nom! RedVines? What the hell!

This was team, only ones who attempted a ghoul. Everyone else had the exact same idea.

Team, Holy Shit Is That A 19th Century Carnival Strong Man? Sweet! Stuffed a Goblin into a pumpkin.

 It's nice to see Andy Serkis still getting work.

He looked pretty good from about one angle, but once the camera man moved it looked more like someone stuck Gollum's head on top of an arm chair covered in someone's scrubs.

Team No Discernible Personality also stuffed a goblin into a pumpkin.

 Did you get the pumpkin wet? I told you to not get the pumpkin wet!

They made a huge point about how the pumpkin was supposed to look as though it were carved by a child as part of their story and then the judges bitched about how crudely the pumpkin was carved, almost as thought a child did it.

 This is the face of a man plotting how best he can carve three judges skulls to look like crude Jack-O'-Lanterns.

What is looking to be Steam Roll This Year put a goblin in a pumpkin but spiced it up by saying that a ghoul was escaping out of its mouth.

 A ghoul, riiight. That's what we tell the kids when they're in the room. Mommy and Daddy were just playing Ghouls and Goblins...naked.

 Who knew goblins jizzed out of their mouths.

Ew! You're touching it!

The last team made a crawling something or other doing a thing eh here's the damn pictures.

The limbs in cake looked really cool, especially the long bony fingers, but I swear whenever anyone does a pumpkin face wedged onto a cake body, it always looks like a bloated Macy's parade balloon crashed on top of some guys head.

With the little useless competition over a winner need be declared and Team Goblin MoneyShot it was. Thus they won first turn at the apple bobbing to avoid everyone elses backwash or something.

Now onto the meat of the matter, the scare piece du jour. I give you FoodNetwork's creativity at its best:

That's right...clowns. As was befitting a competition about as real as a three dollar bill the contestants all made a show of having no idea what is supposed to be scary about clowns even though the same team references "It" not ten minutes later!

 

I know what you do at night, little boy.

Having been given their assignments everyone was off, one team talked about making a serial killer clown (again, as if that had never happened before *cough* ) while the rest buckled down and got to work.

 This is the face of a man who had to watch an entire episode of $24 in 24.

As this is a cake competition it isn't complete without needless Drama™this time thanks to Hipster Ariel.

 Uncertain of the world around her, Hipster Ariel decided to stick her entire hand into a cotton candy machine and proceeded to magically get her enchanted finger caught on the giant spinning metal dremel. How quaint.

Look at this blood, isn't it neat?

Judging by how often contestants just seem to randomly get injured maybe FoodNetwork should look for a few ghouls and goblins mucking about in the electrical wiring. Oh I'm sorry, we call them producers now.

But the show must go on!

 

I have the Diabeetus!

And on we go. First up a large killer Jack in the Box that..he's flipping us off isn't he? I mean it's hard to know which is the flipping off finger when he's only got two but still, asshole.

 I'm sorry, that's actually Powder with a giant brain tumor.

 At one point the male "MAKE eVErYTHING EXPLODE!" judge said it would have been better if the Jack had been leaning over like it was on a spring. I must agree, I'd far prefer a giant cake that toppled over and killed three judges in a massacre of sugar and psychotic teeth.

 This is your clown on bath salts, any questions?

Team Hipster Ariel made this:

 A dribbling clown lovingly rocking his baby swaddled in bubble gum.

 Dribbles has some problems with keeping his jaw closed while drooling.

The biggest complaint the judges could come up with was that the face looked like someone shot it with a makeup gun. Oh and that cotton candy isn't scary.

At this point Hipster Ariel launched herself across the stage and stabbed them all with a fork.

Team, I think they did the Plastic Surgery Patient Eating Licorice but eh who cares made this adorable little guy.

 He's just an honest clown trying to make a living slicing peoples fingers off for popcorn. Why's the government got to get all up in his ruffle over safety standards. This is why regulation is killing small business!

 How I assume most FoodNetwork executive meetings end.

Team Money Shot made this guy. Seriously, at this point if you're bothered by clowns you believe will pop out of the screen and kill you, look away now.

 Don't say I didn't warn you.

 The Judges practically creamed themselves over the details. Including I think three cigarette butts by his shoes. So he not only murders people who want a little red balloon animal, he's also a chain smoker!

Don't Blink. Blink and your face is smashed into a million pieces.

And now we come to the biggest wast of cake I may have ever seen from FoodNetwork, and that's saying something.

 Meet Mr. Creosote the Clown.

 And yes, that body does look just as hideous up close as it does from far far away.

 

 The only saving grace from this monstrosity were the balloons made from the human skin Corpulent Clown somehow got the energy to flay. Sure...

 This thing was so pathetic the cameraman refused to get close. I assume he stood clear across the stage and just zoomed in while trying to not shudder in disgust.

Hey kids, buy my cereal then get out of the way. I'm about to fart and I have no idea where it's gonna come out of.

Surprise surprise, Money Shot with the clown out of It's nightmares won and Team Corpulent Clown was sent home.

And all before the strong man could life an inflatable barbell too!

I am hoping there's some more cannibalizing of teams like last year because those skin pumpkin balloons deserve a second chance. The cake part should be set on fire and shot into space lest its evil infest the world.