Bridal Shows = Pure Evil!

My Dad (yes, my father) got it into his head that I just had to attend one of the local Bridal Shows. Something about how I could win free stuff, this without him taking into account I am anti-lucky. If anything lucky ever came into contact with me the world would explode.

But we had to humor him so me, my Mom, and my flower girl (who's 21) trekked off to one being held in town. (I told my fiancee there was no way he had to go, because I am not that mean regardless of what some e-mails may warn you about) It was easily the biggest waste of time and money I have ever walked through.

For $9 for all of us to get in, we had to wander amongst a handful of booths not a single one of which I was interested in. There was one for dresses (David's Bridal, natch) though I already had my dress, one for tuxes, about three for photographers, one for a DJ, one for a limo service, one for a huge pot and pan scam, and 10 that were there to make your life a living hell.

Of course every "booth" has a card you can fill out where you can register to win things. Yeah, right. I would say right now if you do have to go to one, invent a phone number and if you haven't already create an e-mail addy just for wedding stuff make one now. It makes life so much easier when dealing with SPAM. Even though I didn't go near a single insurance booth I have been plagued by them since I went and they will not relent (Here's another bride who had the same problems).

If you do get dragged to one and don't want to listen to their spiel I have some great tips. First off if they make you wear a bride sticker (my friend pretended she was a bride too to sign up for stuff, which entertained me the entire day) hide it under your jacket. It's still on your shirt, but people are a lot less likely to bother the crap out of you.

However, if they do start babbling to you, the trick is to not look at them. I have this amazing ability where if I don't want people to talk to me, I just look off and pretend like I'm not really there and neither are they. It keeps most solicitors far away and they move on to whoever is behind me. Sadly, anymore they seem to move onto my guy if I'm with him so we got to work on a signal (He's terrible at saying no.)

Hopefully with these tips you will be better prepared for the scam of a bridal show, where you learn nothing, win nothing, and just help pay all the vendors for some free advertising.

Planning two weddings

The deeper and deeper the Kraken of a wedding planning industry pulls me in the more I notice the cracks.

One of the big problems that even I, a very decisive (to a scary point) person, is fighting is the trend to go ahead and purchase something then while you wait and plan you suddenly decide that it isn't the perfect dress/colors/menu/flowers for your Big Day!

The worst offender seems to be the Dress! After all it isn't just a dress, it's THE DRESS! The dress you can only wear once (unless you want to recycle it), the dress everyone will see you in, the dress people will remember you in forever until you die!

I can't really blame people, when you are told to buy your dress a good 6 months before your wedding and along the way you get inundated with nothing but pictures of dresses. If you have already gotten your dress don't just avoid run, run away from any bridal magazines. There's maybe one good article in the end anyway and a good 90% is pictures of the "perfect gown."

It seems like a really insidious plan really, that way you have women buying two dresses and then they have to sell one off. (Here's one woman's plight to try to change her dress) You just have to peruse eBay to find tons of people selling wedding gowns and it seems like a lot of it isn't from a canceled wedding.

Though the dress isn't the only option, people seem prone to changing the decor, the location, the invitations, and sometimes even the colors long after things have been purchased and are currently gathering dust.

I say, no more! No more worrying that you don't have the right centerpiece for Your Perfect Day! No more fretting that people will scoff at you for not getting a horse and carriage! No more having people make you think this is the last day of your life! (Personally I am hoping the Best Day of My Life involves less satin and lace and more sun, water, and dogs.)

For me, anytime a little worry enters into my brain that maybe I did go too cheap for our RSVP's, or that our Halloween reception is just dumb I remind myself that in the end none of it really matters anyway.

That and I am having enough troubles planning one wedding, I refuse to plan two.

Who's your favorite muppet?

It was a long and unexpected kinda weekend. My Dad was having his 50th birthday party and as my MOH lives near him I thought I'd drop by and hang out with her for a few hours before going to the party. (Her son is adorable, and after watching him I think I need to have a challenge where people eat an ice cream cone without their hands).

We figured we'd just head back home after the party (a nice two hour drive) but alas God was against that idea. About 30 miles out of town we had a tire blow. It was the first for either of us but there really weren't any screaming matches, no one freaked out, and in the end we got it all fixed up and left on Sunday.

It did get me thinking about all those marriage questionnaires they make out there for people to take. The Catholic one, FOCCUS, is well known and feared. If not only for the fact that a priest could call off your marriage if you fail but also for the length. I hear they recommend an 18 month engagement just so you have time to finish it.

Though if anyone has to go in for some pre-marriage counseling there is a damn good chance you will have to pull out your number two pencil, answer random questions about your life, your likes, and what's your ideal birthday party (really). I remember taking those tests as a kid and as you get older you realize that there is no one right answer.

For example, Who drives the car?

• You
• Him
• Well it depends on if we're going somewhere we've always been or if it's somewhere new

Somehow I doubt that last one is in there. No questionnaire should really determine if someone should get married or not. (Or you could just take a quick quiz to see how long you should wait to have kids in case it all falls apart.) I'm sorry, but a piece of paper with a few random bubbles filled in (and a doodle of a tree, I take tests fast and then get bored) has no idea how we spend our nights, if we fight like cats and then make up as such, or if neither of us is really romantic and would rather both get vacuums for presents.

There's nothing wrong with some counseling before (especially as we have no idea what to do with planning the ceremony and really need some help there) but having the pastor/priest/minister/hobo on the street rely on a test where if you really want to you can cheat using the cap method makes no sense.

No one is the same, and some of us really couldn't give a crap what kind of birthday party we have (or if the pinata matches the petting zoo).

Bridesmaid Bootcamp!

I have created a wonderful program to whip your girls into shape and get them ready for the best day of your life!

Welcome to Bridesmaid BootCamp!

The first week is spent getting them into the right mind set. We limit their food to just mind numbing gruel and water. This will bend their minds so that no matter how ugly of a dress you choose for them, they'll gladly pony up $300 and even think that it makes them look gorgeous. (For an extra day we can also convince them that those 4 inch stilettos with the huge bows and rhinestones they have to pay for are a dream come true.)

But you don't just want your girls to stand up there, looking like fashion gone mad with a chainsaw, you also need them to donate weeks of their lives to helping you pull off the "Day to End all Days!"

Every bridesmaid must be efficient at filling out, addressing, and mailing your invitations. For 12 hours we'll set them up in an empty room with just a table, a chair, water, and your pile of invitations that absolutely have to go out in a day. For some extra money we'll also include our etiquette expert Rosco, to make sure that everything is spelled correctly and addressed just so.

For those brides trying to save some money, everyone needs some help with making favors/flowers/centerpieces and we can help there too. Most brides want to be there to make sure their girls are doing everything just right and perfect and we have a perfect solution. With a two-way mirror you can make sure that every ribbon is tied correctly and every flower petal is in the right place thanks to a horrible screech button. Every time a girl messes up just press the button and they will have a screech sound played over the loud speakers until they fix their mistake.

After all this work we know you feel like your girls deserve some thanks (even if we all know you deserved it for being THE BRIDE!) so this program also comes with their own thank you gifts - A coupon book for their city (highlights a $10 oil change), a pen with a flower on it (attached with scotch tape), some earrings just for that big day (will self destruct after 24 hours), and a thank you card that's had your name printed onto it.

Together, Bridesmaid BootCamp and you calling up your girls 12 hours a day we can give you the Perfect Day of Your Life.

Give me one of those

It's been beautiful out here for the past few days so on top of me wanting to spend every available second outside before it starts to overheat and boil ants alive on the sidewalk, a job interview, and my guy getting a nasty cold, wedding stuff has been the furthest from my mind until I saw someones trying to spread a nice rumor about Bed Bath and Beyond going bankrupt.

First off, it's not real, it's a big fat lie.

Second off, doesn't it just suck that there are so many pitfalls with wedding stuff. I thought registries were invented to make it all easier for everyone?

Like everyone else we thought first oh we'll just do Target and then maybe somewhere else a bit nicer to humour the fancier side of the family (not mine at all). Then after going through and a few days of debating the quality of towels, how well a knife would hold up, and if we really could wait for someone to get us Lego Indiana Jones or if we'll get it long before October, I hunt around and find out about the horrors of the Return Policy at Target.

Some of it seems to depend on the Target you go to. My friends all claim to have had no problems, but as the economy gets worse I am begging to wonder if they'll make it common at all stores to exchange returned merchandise with game store tokens (You can get a free 50 games of Pac-Man!).

We debated a bit back and forth, should we dump Target and put it all onto Bed, Bath and Beyond though there is one no where near my family, take our chances on Target, or try a new one at J.C. Penny. In the end we did a bit of all three.

I have heard through the grape vine that Bed, Bath & Beyond (though between my fiance and I we now call Best Buy, I easily get BB names messed up) has the best return policy, and with J.C. Penny you get a really nice organizational book (including some stuff to scrapbook with), it really comes down to what is best for you and what you'd want.

In the end we kept most of the stuff at Target, moved the things like appliances we really only want one of to BBB, and um gave up on J.C. Penny's after looking at the prices (we did try Sears but when the entire computer system was down and no one cared we gave up).

If we get a lot of doubles I suppose there's still eBay. Anyone need 10 bread makers?