Wedding picture envy

It's funny in a sad sort of way, it was always entertaining to look at other people's weddings before my own and to see what they would come up with. Some people go all out with a high class place complete with plate chargers and silk napkins

I'm more of a paper napkin and plastic plate person myself so catching any of those $50,000 weddings never stirred my deep waters of envy. If anything it made me happy we were so simple as it was one less thing to worry about and a lot less money spent.

But now my wedding is over along with a lot of other peoples in the blog'o'ball and we're all posting our re-caps/fun pro pics at the same time. Seeing how other peoples visions turned out makes our wedding feel like the weird little knicknack you got once on a lark and now keep in the closet.

Basically, while our wedding was good enough for me it just doesn't feel like it's really good enough to share with the world wide web and I've been second guessing putting any pictures up thinking "There's no way anyone really cares, or it's helping anyone." Or there are those really evil little thoughts "You know everyone's just laughing at it, right?" (thanks The Knot)

Maybe it's my little introverted thoughts but while I always at first want to show off one of my artistic endevours, after it's been out for a little while I begin to see all the cracks and faults and promptly want to take it all back.

And I just want to stress that no I don't regret wearing a tail or having a halloween reception, I'm just not sure if any of you really want to see pictures anymore.

So while I debate and decide here are two comparisons of my head table and a fancy wedding's one:

A nice expected head table.

And then there was our mess

Am I the only other crazy person who really doesn't want to share pictures for fear they don't measure up?

stress, Stress, STRESS!

On Wednesday we had the last meeting with our officiant. After getting all the little details out of the way she asked a question I've been hearing more and more "So, how are the stress levels?"

Honestly, we're both pretty cool. I can count on one hand the times I have wanted to strangle someone with a piece of tulle while planning this schindig.

In fact I've been more stressed about some sciencey lab thing at work (for those in the know it's running an SDS-gel in a lab that has never done it before. It's going okay right now, but I'm not getting enough mA for some reason).

I don't know if I'm missing out on something by not being constantly on edge as endorphins pump through me, but we've generally spent our nights catching up on old British tv shows (hurray for Spaced's release in the states) or finishing Lego Batman.

At this point any little plans I may have had or things I wanted to do have long been abandoned and left to the ether and anything else is so done we could have this thing today.

I'm so cool that I think it's starting to stress out all those around me.

Has any one else experienced an almost Nirvana calm as the wedding got near instead of the stereotypical freak out?

Also a wedding blog shout out to Jen of She Weds and Jenna of That Bride as they get married tomorrow. Hopefully it all goes just how you want it to.

Shipping Hell

"Hi everyone, I'm gonna tell you a story today. So gather around all you packages and parcels and even you boxes waiting to have something put in them.

I'm gonna tell you about Shipping Hell.

Now you see, not everyone goes to Shipping Hell. If you're a good package, have all the necessary postage, been taped up real tight, put carefully on the truck, and the delivery man is in a good mood then you go to your destination and your point in life has been fulfilled.

But if you've been a bad package. If you've lied and cheated your way onto the truck, or stayed out all night with reckless abandon for cardboard life, or someone just didn't like the look of you then you go to Shipping Hell.

It's a dark place full of scary noises and rodents that will chew right through you. And the scariest part of all is no one knows when, or if, you'll ever leave Shipping Hell."

Shipping Hell is something that just seems to go part and parcel with wedding planning. It's just recently happened to Riley (AKA Rachel) when her invitations were lost thanks to UPS (and the Broke Ass Bride who just lucked out and had someone contact her) and it almost happened to me.

My mother, for reasons that no one including herself are sure of, only brought down half the baskets for our centerpieces a month or so back. But I've needed all to make up the little basket liner things, so rather than drive out of their way to bring them she was gonna ship them.

This was last Monday, from a town 2 hours away. I heard nothing figuring my Mom may have forgotten (she forgets things, a lot) and was gonna call her this week. Well then I come to find out that they should have been delivered a week ago but no one's heard of it.

There was no note left on either our door or our mailbox so I began the fun task of calling post offices in our area. Eventually I went to the front office of our apartment (which has already been a nightmare when it comes to packages) and lo and behold it's been sitting in there for a week (never mind that we had over the summer gotten a package in June and they didn't tell us about it til September).

So I have narrowly escaped Shipping Hell. But what about the rest of you?

Why October I wonder?

I fear that I am beginning to resent my wedding.

I mean it only makes sense to get married around your favorite time of year, right? For me it's getting to see the leaves change, the crisp autumn air, the yummy crunchy apples, and the spooks and goblins as Halloween creeps around the corner.

Only this year instead of heading off one weekend to an orchard or curling up on the couch drinking some hot coca while watching "Shaun of the Dead" I'm chasing around going to fittings and figuring out what to do if our groomsmen doesn't make it (it's a long story).

It hit me last weekend that we really didn't have the time to go to a big orchard to pick our own apples (if you can't tell by now I am absolutely nutty about apples. I would kill to have my own tree). Instead I had to figure out centerpieces and the weekend after that isn't an option as it's two weeks away and we have tons of stuff planned.

And really who can fit in apple picking when their own wedding is in leSS THAN A WEEK?!

Sorry sorry, don't know what came over me.

Also because of when our honeymoon lands we're gonna not be around to really warrant decorating for Halloween (not that that's stopped me, although most of it is stuff just waiting for the wedding) much less carving pumpkins and then baking the seeds. Mm I love pumpkin seeds (almost as much as apples).

It's a weird feeling, resenting when your own party is. Almost makes me want to send myself a nasty e-mail about how unreasonable and unthoughtful I've been.

But I'm sure I'll get over it in time. I'll probably totally forget about all the fun fall things I usually love in between organizing everything, making sure that all the favors are in order, talking with the minister one last time, planning the recEPTION DECORATIONS, MAKING SURE PEOPLE HAVE A PLACE TO PARK, GETTING ALL THE JEWELRY LINED UP!!!!!

And just trying to have a calm peaceful wedding.

When meat attacks!

Right around Labor Day I get really excited seeing all the Halloween stuff coming out even the advertisements. You know, the local costume shop puts up a big picture of Dracula, a decor store has a Grim Reaper, and Target has a piece of meatloaf with a mouth.

Wait? A meatloaf with a mouth?

Meet Domo, the break dancing meatloaf (does not really break dance)

So thanks to my guys nerdy research it turns out this piece of animal flesh mixed with some breadcrumbs and baked in loaf form is actually a Japanese TV "star" called Domo.

But, um, what the hell does it have to do with Halloween?

It's sad, just walking into a store you find a huge picture of the loaf asking you to trust his decisions when it comes to party planning. Apparently pieces of meat really know how to decorate and are experts at picking paper plates with skeleton pictures on them.

If you don't believe me just check out Target's website.

Why Target? What made you think that your little mascot is more terrifying than a witch that could put the evil eye on you, a vampire that can seduce you into giving him all your life fluid, or Frankenstein's monster that toys with the idea of life and death as well as how far science can go in playing God (in reality not very).

Instead you have a little piece of meat that as soon as you pull it out of the oven it'll jump across your plate and using it's sharp teeth wax and wane about the best curtains for your space and how to expand the space with mirrors.

Actually, that is the scariest thing since wolfman teamed up with the mummy and formed a biker gang.

A rant, or why I should avoid messageboards

What the fuck is wrong with Brides nowadays? (Big B means general not specific)

When did it become normal for a woman to upon getting that ring on her finger lose any empathy?

Why is it okay for her to step on everyone's toes and demand that they all bow to her wishes and if anyone dares go against her are to be shunned?

I can think of no other time when a woman can demand that her friends buy a certain dress regardless of what they look like in it or how they feel about it, as well as how they accessorize and how they get their hair done (never mind all the pre-wedding parties they must attend or they are kicked out).

God help them if they do complain about something or they're just cut from the wedding party and never talked to again.

Why is it a sin to ask a Bride to just step back and think about how her friend feels? She's feeling self conscious about the dress, the shoes don't fit right, or the hairstyle isn't her. How would you feel if on your wedding you were ordered by someone to wear a certain dress, get your hair done a certain way, and wear awful shoes just because someone planned the wedding that way?

It makes weddings seem more and more like a play to me. The Bride is the director and she gets a say in who the actors are, what everyone wears, how they act, when the scene changes happen and when everyone takes a bow. I mean if an actor throws up a fuss about say being pregnant then you just fire her and hire a new one, right?

Well a wedding isn't a play or pretend (at least I'd hope that it isn't to someone about to get married), it's real life. It's a commitment and it isn't going to go perfect.

So many sites and blogs talk about having the perfect vision and how to hammer down a nail that sticks out in the planning process. Instead of that why not try to sympathize with the nail and make them feel better. Or better yet hear them out, think about their suggestions and see how that would fit with the big plan.

For God sakes, at least prove to society that Brides do still have some form of empathy left.

What the hell?

If you are in anyway addicted (or know about) facebook, they have a nice little application that will put on your page (well til they changed facebook around) when your wedding is coming and some other random stuff.

What makes it really nice is the addition of a message board. I've pretty much been on it since day one (and the women on there are a whole lot nicer than The Knot). I've had an ongoing thread about Halloween Weddings and how cool they are.

Generally everyone seems really into the idea and some have great ideas (as well as some are as insane as me about stalking stores for Halloween goodies), but someone recently published a comment that got my blood boiling a bit:

"I think the halloween wedding sounds fun, but are you sure you want a dinosaur tale and your other bridesmaids in wedding dresses too? I love Halloween too and the cake and decorations sound great. Just make sure you don't regret being a dinosaur instead of you at your most beautiful on your wedding day Good luck! "

When the hell did a wedding become Bride centric? Honestly, it scares the crap out of me that the Bride is held to such standards that she's less a woman about to become married to a man and more a marble statue. She's something to be admired from afar and held to insane standards while at the same time not really viewed as human (I'm reminded of the end scene from Elizabeth as she paints herself white and mimics the Virgin Mary).

It makes sense then why shows like Bridezillas are so popular and people like to trade stories of Brides that don't live up to the ideal. Brides aren't supposed to do that (just as people in the public eye who are considered role models aren't supposed to get DWIs or have affairs), they're supposed to be perfect jewels and no longer have any of the human foibles.

And because of this thought anyone who dares go against the norm is questioned and criticized and constantly examined as though they have gone mad. I couldn't imagine just how sad a person would be to really think that they must look more beautiful than their best friends and relatives.

But you see it all the time, women who are worried that a bridesmaid is going to be wearing heels so she'll be taller. Or that the bridesmaid is going to dye her hair a different color, or wear a bust enhancing bra or any other myriad of problems that she wouldn't give a crap about any other day of her life. Or saddest of all that one of their maids is much more beautiful or skinnier (not the same thing) than her so the bride has to find a way to look better.

Well I refuse to be a holy relic. I am not made of marble, I am flesh and blood (and a few traces of Dr. Pepper). My best friends are not there to just make me look better, nor should they have to spend a day miserable as hell. I'd rather they get a chance to enjoy the day as much as possible and look just as gorgeous.

So my Matron of Honor is going to wear her wedding dress again and she'll look beautiful.

My tall Flower girl is going to get herself a Marylin Monroe white dress and she'll look beautiful.

And, yes, even wearing my large chunky Bridezilla tail I will also be beautiful.

My family sucks

So I was all prepared to showcase my lovely (read cheap and easy) programs today but then last night I get a call from my Mother.

She's called all those outstanding people we were waiting on RSVPs for.

Not a single one is coming.

That means that out of 70-80 people invited on my side only 18 are coming and of those 18, 6 are my sisters huge family and 7 are another.

Excuse me for a minute while I pound my head into the wall.

*slam* *slam* *slam*

I shouldn't be surprised though, my family can't bother to show up for anything in my life from confirmation to graduation (oh and believe me they don't send gifts or anything to acknowledge it either). I didn't even bother with any kind of party after graduating from college, there was no point.

It is really pathetic when we have a much better showing from Chicago than those that live just an hour or less away.

So, we're looking at a really tiny 50 person wedding but damn it we're gonna have the smashingest rollicking wedding ever. And we have enough candy and food to keep everyone and maybe some people who are wandering by happy and satiated.

And I'll make sure to send lots of pictures to all those that weren't willing to come.

Not so Tactful RSVP

As the wedding draws ever near many brides begin to worry about the head count. More specifically they worry about how they are going to pry the RSVP cards they stamped and addressed out of their relatives cold clammy hands.

They are not alone.

We're waiting on about 81 people. So far only 50 people have confirmed (it's kinda spooky as its exactly 50 and exactly 50 have said no so far).

That 81 can be a major tipping of either we'll have a very empty church or we'll have to rethink the table layout at the reception as well as have to get way more bags of candy.

And I can't place any blame on my guy at all as it's all my family (farmers, nuff said). A part of me really is beginning to suspect that they think they are supposed to turn in the card when they show up for the wedding (almost like they need some paperwork for entrance or to prove they are who they say they are), or perhaps they think that the cards are just the right size for holding a piece of gum or acting as a coaster.

Regardless, I am coming to the stress breaking point where I shall have to phone, e-mail, or carrier pidgeon them to find out if they are really coming or are just gonna hide in their home and hope the wedding goes away.

RSVP or the cat gets it!

A lot of women tend to add stress on top of stress (never a good idea as stress doesn't balance well) and fret over how to form a very nice and kind way of asking people "Are you Fucking coming or not?"

Well I am not so tactful and instead came up with this idea of a simple plea:

"Dear related pain in the ass,

You rememeber that little pile of papers you got from us a month ago? It wasn't just a way of testing out the mail service, we're honestly going to be getting married.

Okay, so maybe you haven't gotten married in the last half century but things are a bit different now. We're spending tons of money for this thing. Money that could be better spent. We've been pulling our hair out deciding who to invite and you made the cut. (See that's why you got that thing with the stamp on it.) The least you could do is tell us if you'll grace us with your presence so we don't waste money on food and various other stuff.

Just fill out that cute little card that pleads with you to send it in with your name, check either yes or no, and drop it in the mailbox.

If we do not hear from you soon, a monkey will do unspeakable things to your birdbath.

Thank you,

The very angry Bride and scared Groom."

When Organization Fails You

Anyone who's been doing this wedding planning stuff for a while realizes that at some point your house/apartment is going to be over ridden with flowers, favors, any manor of decorating DIY stuff, and anything else that is required to have a wedding these days.

Well I am one of those people where after a while I can only take so much of the mess and then I just HAVE to clean it or organize it. This generally involves a lot of tossing of things that no longer serves its use but alas we still have 2 months til that stuff will do anything (aside from collecting dust which it is top notch at).

But then I had the brilliant thought of putting everything inside of a giant cardboard box (that used to contain our grill and had wedding stuff on it before and after we put it up).

Of course not everything would fit inside that box so I left out some stuff for scrapbooking (which I had just finished for the shower deux) as well as the large box that had contained our invitations (and now just contains any piece of important paper that we don't want to lose) and stuff to make the real groom's cake (which I'll share the sad sad attempt tomorrow). The eyeballs are just a fun Halloween decoration we picked up and are entertained with.

I was feeling pretty smart with myself getting so much stuff off the top and into the box, and it was just perfect for about 20 minutes. Okay maybe 30 if we're being nice. Then I had to get into it to dig out my necklace for the fitting.

So I had to pull all the stuff off top, open up the box and rumage around. Then after finding what I want, put it all back together.

I think I have done that a good 30 times since putting everything in the box. I've realized that when it comes to weddings it's better to just scatter everything all around and across the furniture. Trying to be neat is just a fruitless endevaour sure to make one mad.

A quick glance inside the box

So if you have someone complaining about just how much space the wedding stuff is taking up or even you feel bad for the mess, don't. Trust me, having that huge mess makes getting your hands on that one example of the program you need to hammer out your own details or that special basket you made and your FMIL just has to see when she randomly dropped by so much easier.

After the wedding you can finally box it all up and save it, or sell it, or if you're really tired of the mess have a bonfire on your front lawn. For now, just take a deep breath and remind yourself it could be a lot worse, you could have a newborn as well (if you do have a newborn and are planning a wedding you get a tip of my hat).

A Nine letter word

I have come to loath this word. Hearing it mentioned makes me taste ash in my mouth and cause little beads of sweat to form on my brow.

It's been known to throw grown women into hysterics and create tons of money for old ladies who have nothing better to do (It even has more power than "tacky").

I speak, of course, of etiquette.

It's sad but before this whole wedding thing I used to think it was spelled ettiquete or possibly etiqueete, or more likely bullshit. Now I know not only how to spell it but also how to invoke it.

If someone thinks that you have to invite your aunt Mildred and her three kids to not only the wedding and reception but also the rehearsal dinner and to a brunch after she'll just pull out the ol' trusty Emily Post and beat you over the head with it.

Go ahead and try it sometime. Just go up to someone and get them to do the dumbest thing imaginable, "Of course you are going to put enough candles all over the place to create a fire hazard," and as they're staring at you as though you've just grown a third head just say "it's etiquette."

I've already run into my fair share of people bounding about the word, but what kills me the most is that there are no set rules. Ann Flanders didn't climb up Mount Good Manners and get handed stone tables saying "Ye shall honor thy guests with an expensive favor." No, instead people just sort of make it up as they go along.

You wouldn't believe the differences between big city and small town etiquette. For small towns (especially poor farmers) listing on your invitation where you are registered is just common sense, and no one has to RSVP as you can just walk down to the grocery store the day before and ask Mabel who all said they'd show up.

I'm sure many of you have heard a much different tune from your various mothers, grandmothers, and busy body neighbors.

How is it that etiquette has gotten such power over the years? Honestly, I think that invoking it will cause more tears than accusing someone of committing a sin (stealing all your wedding plans is about the same, however).

I'm sorry but just like tacky that word is going into my no fly zone. I can't please everyone all the time and rather than fretting that someone is going to be put off by the fact that the chairs aren't all covered in a fancy damask I'm instead just going to focus on having a good time.

Monkey see, Monkey Don't

This weekend I attended a wedding that, well, let's just say I learned a whole lot on what not to do. So I was thinking that I'd share that knowledge with you so we can um all celebrate in the knowledge of learning something.

• #1. If you ask someone to help out in your wedding do not, I repeat do not, send them only a facebook invitation and never bother with a paper. I was asked to do guestbook but all I got was a quick invite to the facebook event. It was only for the ceremony even so as I wasn't invited to it I didn't go to the reception.

• #2. If you are gonna make your bridal party be with you early in the morning for hair and then have pictures start 3 hours before the ceremony feed them! We were smart and went to Subway so all the bridesmaids were complaining about how hungry they were and when they saw us walk by carrying our sandwiches I was sure there'd be a hyena attack. Luckily someone thought to order pizza, and let me tell you you do not want to get between a hungry bridesmaid and pizza. I was sure I was gonna be crushed to death by satin.

• #3. If you do in fact ask someone to be in your wedding talk to them, tell them where they are supposed to go or what they are supposed to do. The bride didn't say a word to me, so I just sat around watching the kids in the wedding and the guestbook watched itself. (For those ladies doing the 100 pushups thing you can also work your forearms just by carrying around a sleeping 1 year old. My arms still hurt).
  

• #4. Kids, they need naps. For gods sake don't make them stand around cranky having picture after picture taken. Instead plan to either have their pictures taken early so they can get in a quick one, or take them last so they've been up a bit before the wedding. Also do not let them run around like little hell spawn climbing all over everything as something is gonna rip and someone is gonna fall.

• #5. Do not change your plans midstream and not tell anyone. This happened not once but three times while we were there. First the bride had planned on riding out on a flatbed with hay bales and as her father was getting things all hooked up and loading up the hay one of the bridesmaids told him she'd changed her mind and wasn't gonna do it. Second there was a big hoopdedo about pew bows. The bride was borrowing some pew bows and at first they just sat in a box while all the pictures were being taken, then after that the bridal party rushed to put them up before the guests could sit down. I still don't know if she wanted them or not. Finally and the worst of them all, two days before the wedding they hired a second photographer and failed to tell the other that they didn't want her. So there were two photographers running around and the one first hired was a family friend who was worried about getting in the way.

• #6. If you forget to make something the day of the wedding do not improvise. I shit you not, but they had some bubbles there and someone took a sharpie marker and on a cardboard box wrote "Please Take One" and then ripped that piece of cardboard off and stuck it behind the bubbles. I wish I'd had a camera at that point just to prove it.

• #7. Let the kids in the wedding get used to their props. They didn't think to bring the flowergirls basket or the ring bearers pillow til the day of and the kids didn't see it til right before they had to walk down the aisle. They're both 3 so of course they refused to hold them and it was only with some thinking outside the box on my part could we get them down the aisle (my fiance and I walked the ring bearer down, and probably made some really bad pictures).

• #8. Have someone you can trust as best man. They actually tied the real rings to the pillow. So they trusted a 3 year old more than a grown man.

• #9. If you're gonna have them, make up your own programs. The bride actually didn't bother and the church did, so her own sister was left off along with me and a few other people who she'd asked to do stuff and then didn't bother to talk to.

• #10. Replacements are a bad thing. She had a bridesmaid that she knew might not be able to make it to the wedding due to a flight that wasn't gonna get in til one hour before the wedding and that day she found out was gonna get in long after the wedding (and probably reception) were over. So rather than just let one groomsman walk alone she shoved a candlelighter into a bridesmaid dress and had one other candlelighter's sister light some candles. I would loathe being a replacement bridesmaid cause the whole time you know you're up there on a technicality.
  

I am happy to say that after watching this catastrophe unfurl we have a good plan of attack. We've planned pictures around naps, we know what we're gonna feed our friends, and most of all I'll try to thank everyone who was there for me and not just assume everyone knows what is going on in my brain.

Oh yeah and for #11. If you are the mother of the groom do not wear a dress that could easily be an ivory wedding dress with red heels. It makes you look like an ass.

And in this corner

I am one of the least competitive people out there. Many times my best friend and I would play games til we tied and then called it good. I was never really "going to the mattresses" with any of my friends except one.

It all began when I started dating my fiance and she had latched onto the first guy who said yes to dating her (she would do anything she could to get a boyfriend). She started making snide comments about how I couldn't possibly love my guy as much as hers, there were even times she'd have to tell me icky intimate details I did not need to know just to lord over me how much more adult her relationship was I guess.

Well I couldn't take it all, (I think the final straw was when she started flirting with my guy even going so far as buying him a present when I was standing right there) and I just cut her out of my life. That was bad enough, but as I plan a wedding (something she so badly wanted) I am so thankful that she is not around to diss all our little plans and talk about how much better her wedding will be.

What is it about this whole "keeping up with the Joneses mentality?" Where does it come from that women have to one up each other? It amazes me sometimes just how good women are at cutting other women down, a well timed statement here, a glance of disgust there and you have your friend upset.

Somehow women can't move past the idea that the wedding is a reflection of them, that if it isn't perfect and expensive and the most unique party ever then they will never be worthwhile and will have failed somehow. A wedding is not the end all be all of your personality and public persona. There are a million better ways to show the world who you are than how much your wedding costs.

And what to do if you have a friend constantly asking you your wedding plans just so they can up the ante? Just stop telling them anything. Claim it's gonna be a surprise. Or if like me it just gets to be too much for you, you might want to think about doing some pruning.

AHHHH!!!!!!

I'm busy trying to pull my hair out after a very VERY infuriating call with my mother.

She's been pulling a weird stunt where she'll go off and buy stuff for the wedding and then tell me about it later. (I've talked her out of the bright orange table cloths and crepe paper) Today she called about some floating candles she found, I was thinking she wanted them for the shower and then she went on about the reception.

Uh, let's see at this point we have pumpkins, baskets and candy on the tables. Anything more and people won't be allowed to eat. Oh but now she wants to hollow out the pumpkins and then float the candles in there, uh no, I don't want any leaking pumpkins. And there is no time to de-pulp 12 pumpkins.

Well that led to the real reason I am ripping my hair out right now. My Mother seems to have it in her mind that it is bad etiquette to call up people who didn't bother to RSVP. (I should mention that this is the same woman who thought that I should have put our registration information right onto our wedding invitations)

There's something I am missing here, I will be forking over tons of money so that these people can eat and drink and it's rude to expect them to send in a little card I already stamped for them and failing that call them so that we don't waste food and moolah?

I know my family, when it comes to parties involving me no one shows up. My confirmation had a whole three people there and the highschool graduation party it was just me and my friends. Everyone kept saying "Oh a wedding will be different." Yeah but let's just say there isn't a great track record here.

So I don't care what my mother seems to think I am gonna call everyone who was too lazy to send in an RSVP card just so that we don't have the poor caterers make up plates for people who can't be bothered to come and see me for another milestone.

Okay, I feel a bit better now. And I even have a few hairs left.

There's a drawback to RSVP cards

Let's see it's now been over a week since our invitations went out. So that means we've gotten back 13 RSVP's. If that rate keeps up then we should get all ours back by . . . carry the one . . . use the cosign, Jun 13th 2012.

But that's not the sad and depressing part of getting your RSVP card back, it's how many come back no. Right now our stack is neck in neck for no versus yes. (Though I am hearing that yes has a few tricks up its sleeve and is gonna pull out a win in the end)

As that still gives us a glimmer of hope, to really make it pathetic, all but one of the yeses (yessers, yesipies, yeese?) are from people in the bridal party or doing something during the wedding. Well it sure does seem now that we don't have to worry about this wedding get out of hand. If we just have the bridal party come we'll have a whole 20-30 people there.

Due to this sad state of affairs I've been thinking of ways to both make sure you get back your RSVPs and also encourage people to show up to your wedding.

Drum roll please . . .

Have a drawing. Get one of those rolling things they use for Bingo. Say that you'll use their RSVP cards but they have to have been mailed to count. Oh and also the winner must be present, otherwise no gift.

That would be a new way to auction off those centerpieces you got from the dollar store. Or maybe you can even include a package of free labor for someone to help you take down all your decorations. If you have a limited number of cake or favors those can be the last "crappy" prizes.

And if that still doesn't draw in enough people to attend your wedding you can always look at it this way, there's less people you have to buy food and booze for. Or you can get the same amount of alcohol and have a really good time.

Four eyes!

Like Big Foot or the Lochness monster Brides in glasses are rare cryptic creatures that are only photographed in fuzzy old movies.

Well I am a glasses wearing freak. I have been for as long as I can remember. I know there are pictures of me from when I was really little running around without, but I was probably just as blind then.

My eyesight is on par with moles and any other cave dwelling creatures. So I couldn't really imagine spending a day without my glasses, which makes everything visible and shiny. (I did try contacts once, totally not for me.)

But it seems as though in the pursuit for perfection it is about impossible to really find a bride that doesn't care if she's called a nerd or a dork on her wedding (If you worry about a pantsing you may need to re-work that guest list). The reasoning is for fear that pictures won't come out. I am hard pressed to think of a time in my 20 years of glasses there was a picture that would have been perfect if it weren't for my glasses. And even if the refraction from a flash is an issue you can get a coating put on your glasses to stop just that. (it also seems to help keep them from fogging up which rules!)

Offbeat bride has a small q&a on glasses, about the only article I could find on it. I have no idea why glasses are seen as so taboo for a bride to wear (though it doesn't seem as bad for the groom which is good as mine has them as well). You will not look less like a bride if you wear the glasses that you have worn your entire life. You do not have to try contacts just for your wedding day so that people will think you look more like the insane standard of beauty. Glasses don't make you look like a dweeb, they just are who you are (levels of smartness people believe you to be on the other hand can come in handy for convincing people you are a rocket scientist Just mention Goddard a lot.).

On my wedding day I'd rather look like me than someone I've never really seen or met before, and no matter what you do I look like a nerd. So for all those brides out there that are four eyes, let out a yell that we're gonna keep our beloved eyesight just the way it is and damn the naysayers.

Walk that line

There is a balancing act that anyone who is planning a wedding must walk: how much information to tell a person so they feel informed but not so much they feel like it's all you talk about and your wedding.

For me, I started out not telling anyone much of anything (aside from my fiance, we're the weird people where he'll help with most of every aspect). I didn't want to bog them down in boring stuff like what color we chose for the linens (black with spider web) or how long it took us to find a photographer.

Turned out that wasn't enough, as my best friend started to pelt me with questions like "what color dress should I get?" and "where is this thing gonna be held?" So total secrecy didn't really work either. I fear that I then went overboard.

Soon we were IMing back and forth random cute things we'd found (like some cool fall candle things maybe someone else can use) and I'm sure I was burying my friends in crap I'd made for the wedding (maybe the 3rd e-mail on my tail was a bit much). After no one started talking to me I realized that maybe I'd gone too far the other way.

I'd like to hope I now have both feet on the wire and have my huge balancing stick but it seemed during the shower everyone kept asking us if we had anymore plans to make (honest answer: I sure as hell hope not, it's only 3 months away). And my other bridesmaid (his sister) is feeling left out as she lives 8 hours away.

Though, honestly, I don't expect my wedding party to do much of anything. I am gonna do some stuff with my MOH. Some is tradition (we now know how to make almond bark mints work after a slight disaster for her wedding) and some is just an excuse to hang out. I suppose I view the wedding as something I got myself into and they really shouldn't have to help out with all the boring stuff.

They both are willing to help plan a shower, stand up and have their picture taken a ton of times, and generally put up with me. That's hard enough work to earn them all a gold star in my book.

You only get one chance

I really had figured that after my mother had made all the flowers and we'd found all the dresses, we wouldn't have to worry about anyone else throwing in their input on things. Well in comes his side of the family.

These people are party nuts, they will get together and have a party just because it's tuesday. It's quite weird to me where our family would get together maybe once a year and stopped in general after my grandmother died. His aunt loves to plan parties and things. So I really shouldn't have been surprised by all of the ideas of things that I just must simple have because you only get your one chance to have comestibles thrown at you.

First off, aisle runners. I just don't get the point, aside from easy cleanup from all the dirt and stuff the brides shoes leave on the church (I think you should start following her with a vacuum or something it's so bad). You have to pay just to have something plastic rolled over the carpet so, um, you don't touch carpet?

It reminds me of the lava game we played when we were little. Since we don't have that much money as it is to pay for this plastic thing, I guess if we do have to have one we could just cut up a few pieces, lay them down, and then jump from one to the other. Though getting it monogrammed probably wouldn't work out so well then.

Another issue is having rice/confetti/birdseed/soap thrown at us. Sorry, but I don't really see the appeal (and whatever you do, don't give bells to any children). Unless you have a pair of vampires getting married and you have to stall them (though for that you need poppy seeds) who thought that throwing small bits of things at the newlyweds was a good idea? If we really want to appease any grain gods we really should be throwing General Mills cereal or some Cheetos instead.

There have been some other off the wall suggestions (like having a back screen for pictures so we can all pretend we're getting our school pictures again I guess), but so far we're holding our ground and saying no to all the things we just see as throwing our money away.

Hey that's an idea, how about people throw money at us instead. We can even install a stripper pole!

Will I be a Beautiful Bride?

I knew that you had to have your hair done for a wedding and have vague
knowledge about makeup, but I am finding this insidious push that if you don't do this and this and this you won't be a beautiful bride.

There have been a few recent articles about brides that plunk down thousands of dollars to get plastic surgery. Assuming that this isn't something they've been thinking about doing for years for personal reasons and it's just because they'll be a princess for a day so they should have a new nose is damn scary.

But even on the less extreme ends are some frightening trends. First off is teeth whitening, we've all seen the adds on TV of people with some nicely bleached teeth telling you unless your teeth are blinding pilots they aren't white enough. Luckily lots of vendors are happy to step in and help out.

Now that your teeth are as white as Snow White and 4 of the dwarves (They're well known for their dentistry) it's time to make you look as dark as possible to show off those chompers. Time for some tanning. If you are going to try and skip the UV from the sun or those tanning beds, there is a myriad of sunless options (and some videos on how to perfect it!). Some people will swear by a home lotion tanning process and will then swear at the smell of it. Others love going into a booth and either having a machine or a human spray paint you.

There is also the issue of hair. Some you want to get rid of (with waxes and threading all over your body) and some you want to add too with extensions and fake eyelashes. For the other extra chitin on your body (your nails) you're gonna for sure want to get yourself a mani and a pedi (possibly also a betti and a jetty). After all you'll have to have lots of pictures taken of that ring finger.

After all this beautification you can't forget the most important part, er um, oh right, your face! Just about every salon seems to offer a bridal package that includes a facial, a must have so you can get that glowing look. It isn't like just being excited about getting married is enough anymore.

What amazes me about all these things is how important they are stressed. So many women seem to worry themselves silly about how to get a not fake tan, or what to do if they get a pimple (I've just accepted the fact and am going to draw a smiley face on it). How come the groom can get away with getting up at noon, showering and getting dressed?

For me, I'm not going to stress on being a beautiful bride. I think instead I'll focus on being a happy bride.

I swear we have money

Contrary to all those Oil of Olay commercials it really sucks when you look young. When I was 20 I looked like a teenager and people would watch me like a hawk if I went shopping anywhere without a gaggle of friends around me. Apparently I just scream shoplifter. (I am screwed too, as my mother can fool people into thinking she's just 20 if she's wearing sunglasses.)

Now that I'm almost 25 I can pull off college aged on a good day, but that means doing any wedding shopping is a pain in the ass as all those wonderful sales clerks on commission assume I have no money. I knew it'd be bad so I specifically took my mother with me when we went dress shopping so they wouldn't give us the shaft.

Well today I thought, hey before we head off to a family reunion (I really don't want to go) lets try and get some information on tuxes. A while ago my fiance decided that he wanted to wear a tux, and because his side would all be from Chicago we'd need to make sure we can send in the measurements or that they'd have a store there or something.

Plus he wants to wear green vests, and frankly all the ones I've seen looked like crap in pictures and we wanted to see them in real life.

So around noonish today we wandered into Men's Warehouse where we were greeted with a sign telling us to sign something if we wanted anything to do with a tux. Randomly a man came out and told us that all the tux guys were busy but it would just be 5 minutes so please fill out a super lengthy information sheet so we can stalk you later (I can see why they are affiliated with David's Bridal).

Well we didn't fall for that crap, we weren't going to buy anything that day and just had a few questions. It'd take a minute or two, tops. As we weren't in a big hurry we figured we'd sit down and wait.

Cue the hordes of masses coming and going to pick up tuxes, get fitted for tuxes, and plan their tuxes for weddings. Meanwhile we were completely ignored. After about the third round of this we got fed up and just left.

We stopped to get some paper towels (they have information on them like how to clean out a coffee pot, quite strange really) and heading back caught a smaller shop and stopped in. The women were quite nice, showed us where all their stores were located, gave us some price information, and also showed us the green vest options.

Thanks to my "wonderful" youthful looks I have been able to discern better who is actually nice and helpful and who is just in it for the paycheck. It's a crappy way to live, but I refuse to shop anywhere that treats me like crap just based on my looks.