The art of TP

My invitations came in over the weekend and as I picked through the numerous boxes (who knew pieces of paper could weigh so much) and checked it to make sure all the names were spelled right. (So far so good, we're hoping it doesn't suddenly change over night).

As I was digging through the boxes I found two packs of something white and sort of soft. That's when I realized that it's tissue paper. Really, tissue paper?

Our invites are pretty simple, just a nice printing on some cardstock. I don't think we have to worry about the text all vanishing (unless the gremlins who hide in mail boxes pop up again). It doesn't help that the invites are rather long while the tissue paper is about one sheet TP size.

Since there's no way it could actually be used in assembling my invites, I've set out to figure out just what I am supposed to do with the tissue paper.

My MOH's first suggestions was I had to cover myself in it before starting to fill out invites. It does make some sense, being left handed I do have a habit of covering myself in ink, marker, glue, and spray paint.

I realized that that wouldn't really work as I usually just rely on Magic Eraser from Mr. Clean, so then I wondered about using it as a craft project for all the kids that will be running around. But I have a funny feeling all the dipping into paint will only lead to green and blue children covered in glitter. Though they will probably be really excited about it.

I could give everyone a really tiny gift covered in the tissue paper, but all I can think of that would fit is some gravel. (It would be an interesting twist on the ol giving people a sapling to plant, instead they can start their own rock quarry).

For now, I think the tissue paper is just going to sit in the box waiting and plotting. Is anyone else not sure what to do with any TP they receive?

Domesticality

It's warming up so I am getting really excited to get out there and grill up some steaks. I've always had an amazing way around meat (fifth grader giggles now) so I get to do most of the meat prep while my fiance does a lot of the salad making. He also really loves making breads.

But due to the fact that he really loves food (he's a food scientist) he isn't allowed to make the quicker week meals, instead his day long, pot using extravaganzas are left more for the weekend.

I have come to really love a magazine put out by Kraft's Food. It's got some good recipe's (and yes you can substitute all of the Kraft products for store brand and it won't explode). They include around 40 or so recipes that are usually around 30-45 minutes and actually taste good. My guy has fallen madly in love with a shepherds pie that is super quick to make (It helps when I add beer to it, though that seems to work for any dish).

You get about four every year (one for each season), but I've used it more than my Betty Crocker cookbook. If you want to sign up to receive the magazine, here's a link. If you don't want to, here's a link to a circus.

If looking for a much more entertaining approach to cooking, there is my favorite Lancre Witch's "Nanny Ogg's Cookbook." There's even a section about weddings (there is always one fight at a wedding so it's best to just get it over with as soon as possible).

And if you need more help in the "Joye of Snacks" department there is Bananana Soup Surprise.

It's Shipping?!

So after a few different messages back and forth to our Invitations provider (e-proofs are a wonderful thing) I just got the e-mail that our invitations are shipping.

These would make some interesting invitations

Apparently according to the UPS stalker website they'll be here tomorrow. I don't know if I should be really excited, really freaked out, or really hungry (I've become a huge fan of a Blue Bunny Toffee Temptation ice cream). I still need to sit down and make our reception cards (as well as actually put in ink and offer our first born child to our reception site). Put that along with the cheap RSVP cards I already got and then weigh them.

If they don't come in under the 42 cents mark I'll have to set them up on a series of crash diets, have them lose all their self image and then pay the extra anyway. People just need to accept invitations regardless of their size.

It's kinda scary, another step in reminding me that in less than 6 months I'll have to be the center of attention. I'm doing my best to share the attention, but it doesn't really seem to be taking. My best friend is making it really difficult what with her not willing to wear a veil and tiara, or even a giant bullseye.

Wish me and my guy luck as we attempt to put together the invitations, realize we can't find a pen, then give up and go play some tennis.

I don't care

I realize that as a bride I am expected to micromanage every tiny little detail of this crazy turbulent roller coaster ride known as a wedding. But when meeting with our "Music coordinator player" (better known as my flower girls brother) all we told him was that we wanted Vivaldi's Autumn played at some point as we're getting married in October. (Get it, autumn--fall, ha ha ha)

Otherwise I don't give a flip what the bridal party walks down the aisle to, what I'm supposed to, what plays while we light a candle on fire, and what everyone listens to while the monkey brings around beverages.

My fiancee and I just never really cared one way or the other what music is playing (of course he's Catholic so the idea of music before church is so foreign to him he almost breaks out in hives) so we put our trust in our friend who we knew could come up with something different and also something he can play exceptionally well.

There's talk that I'll either be walking down the aisle to the Darth Vader theme or the Darth Maul one. Honestly I didn't even know he had one. Either way, it'll make for a very interesting day of surprises.

And I can just imagine the time I managed to stave off my death thanks to me not obsessing about what music should play to tell the guests that we're now switching from seating to standing. Ah the joys of outsourcing.

Tune in or else

As we get closer to May and that long pimped wedding month June the TV networks start to pull out their wedding fare.

First up is the food network with a week long wedding extravaganza starting next week. Really, a surprise engagement cake challenge? What does that even mean? Does the guy have to pop out of it? I am personally hoping Bobby Flay has to do a throwdown where he must plan an entire wedding in an hour.

Though watching the food network hype isn't so bad as about 70-80% is about the food as opposed to being about the cost of the crystal centerpieces.

TLC has had the Wedding Story around for years. It's a weird sort of mish mash of "How we Met" followed by "How much our Parents spent on this thing."

For the more Bridezilla look at people going batshit crazy while dress shopping there's Say Yes to the Dress. It just makes me feel sorry for the poor women that have to drag out dress after dress for brides to try on, especially when they are just there for the "experience." (I profusely thanked the woman who helped me and my friends at the shop where I bought a dress as my Mom and MOH went a bit crazy picking out dresses to make me try on. I think they were just out to drive me insane.)

Then on We if you really want to watch women who have clearly lost their minds and bought into the "Best Day of my Life," there's Bridezillas. I've only seen a handful of the screaming fests while visiting with friends but it does make you wonder why some of the grooms didn't pull a runner. (And if for some reason you want to put your self through the editing hell, you can apply here.)

Looking through their schedule of shows it looks like WE is really the wedding network. So there's one about Platinum Weddings (I wonder how people can stand wearing clothes made out of platinum), Rich Bride Poor Bride (I assume it has nothing to do with that crappy Kirstie Alley/ Tim Allen Amish farce), My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding (Nia Vardalos must be stopped.)

But the worst one by far seems to be something called Bulging Brides. Seriously, you don't have enough ways to make women feel like crap that they don't have millions of dollars to spend on "The best day of their lives?" You have to make them feel even worse because they aren't a perfect size 4 (or is it 2? Don't tell me it's 0 now).

It's enough to make me boycott TV (Or at least all the women networks and indulge in hours of Spike TV's Bond marathons) but I'm really hoping for that Flay humiliation. Oh and I don't think I could give up Ace of Cakes even if you threatened me with a marathon of Bridezilla episodes.

A Bad Hair Day

I have the wonderful option of having my good college friend --and flower girl (whole nother story)-- being very good at doing fancy hair stuff and willing to attack mine (possibly with a chainsaw). She actually did the hair for my MOH's wedding after a slight emergency as well as doing mine and my guys for a dance we all went to.

It was fun as she had free range and we both got blue gel in our hair and he got blue spikes. I'd share a picture but sadly the only one taken is in B&W. But I wouldn't want anyone else doing my hair if only because I know we can get together and come up with something classic but fun.

Trying to come up with a base hairstyle though is about near impossible. We've been looking for something half up, half down, and half & half. It seems like most bridal sites will either have a total updo or all hair down (or be like TheKnot and be about impossible to search unless you have a lot of time on your hands).

One that I have found at Brides.com has a wonderful listing where you can search for pictures based upon the type you want (half up), what your hair is (wavy), and length of hair (medium). There's also some stuff about style but I don't know if they have an option for "Don't look at me, look at everyone else."

If you want something a bit more interactive there are sites that have options for you to create a model or upload a picture of yourself and you can try on different hairstyles. Here's one from hairstyles.com (though it's just a demo option you might still find some good styles). After playing with it I think I should go for more of a mohawk look actually.

I wish some wedding website/magazine would decide to make an article about how best to pick hair styles for your veil/hair pins/flower and then how to insert said adornment. But sadly til then we'll just have to make due with a lot of bobby pins and some extra gorilla glue.

Would you sign, please?

After my few and far between years of attending and being in weddings, I have only been a bridesmaid once, helped my father videotape about twenty times and while all those are important I have some to realize the best spot ever is to guard the guestbook.

Think about it, if you're a bridesmaid you have to get a dress (and depending upon the bride it could be really hideous and make you look like a credenza), you have to get special shoes/jewelry, you have to go to the scary hassle of getting all that fitted (I have a deep fear of shoe shopping), according to the new tradition if the bride so demands it you must appease her every whim including addressing invitations to people you don't know and help to trap the groom should he make a runner (here's how to throw a lasso).

But if you're in charge of the guestbook, you just have to get dressed up a bit (still not fun), show up about 30 minutes before the thing starts (as opposed to hours before to get your hair and makeup done), sit in a chair collecting gifts and cards, and if you get bored write in fun names like "Brad Pitt" into the guest book. It really helps that it's one of the least important jobs, essentially an open book and a pen could do it. So if you wanted to slack off, no one would care either.

And you still get all the perks of being in the bridal party, free food at the rehersal dinner, your name in the program, people asking you where the bathroom is.

That's why I told all my friends that if I have to be in anymore wedding I call guestbook. I still have a few openings in June if anyone else requires my services.

Tacky?

If a person would ask me what first pops into my head upon hearing "tacky" I'll have horrible flashbacks to a spray insulation foam project gone horribly bad (I still get night terrors). I rarely, if ever, think of anything in the wedding industry.

But the more data I collect the more often I see people claiming that this or that is tacky. There are lots of blogs out there trying to point out the tackiest crap, tacky etiquette, and just tacky in general.

It seems like everyone's greatest worry is that something at their wedding will be considered tacky! Even colors have to come under the big T scrutiny.

Frankly, I don't get the big hubbub. I think whenever anyone brings up the T word you just have to think on the immortal words of President Lincoln. No not the elephant one (That's best for wedding coordinators).

"You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time."

I say just let it go, in fact if we didn't already have our own "tacky" wedding ideas in place (Halloween rules!) I'd be tempted to go all out for the super tacky ideas (I do like this one woman's approach).

I think first we'd have money trees everywhere, a huge balloon archway, have all the guests wear t-shirts that have "Guest" on rhinestones like the ones for bridal party members, a hostess wedding cake, and a humorous cake topper.

As long as everyone has some fun, and you, you know, actually get married in the end I'd think it'd be a successful day, even if you did have to use those paper bells.

We announced our engagement . . .

to everyone in the noun.

If you're around my age, you spent many days of your youth playing the joy that is MadLibs and trying to insert dirty words wherever and whenever you could. (Our favorite adjective is horny).

Well now they've come out with Adult madlibs
The best one we've got has been the Bachelorette Bash. It has everything from a story about The venue, the proposal, asking the maid of honor, to winning over the in-laws.

It's a great way to work through some of those wedding jitters, or at least get together with your friends, get some booze, and make your own drinking game.

(Take a shot every time someone needs a noun).

The other Adult Mad Libs are

1. Test Your Relationship I.Q. - this one seems to not have been edited as well and is missing a few words it asks for.
2. Party Girl
3. Dysfunctional Family Therapy
4. Keepers and Losers
5. Advice for the Lovelorn
6. Mama's got a brand new (Diaper) bag
7. Who Moved my Cubicle
   

I admit it

I did have a second where I did in fact have a "Wedding industry moment." It was during the loong day of dress shopping (so I blame some of it on the lack of nutrients in my system as well as the sight of so much satin and tulle on my psyche).

While wandering around a consignment shop (which is a wonderful place to go for cheaper wedding dresses if you are a size 10) and my Mom was looking for a dress while my MOH and I browsed the veils. I hadn't put any thought into a veil beyond maybe I'll borrow someone's and have that out of the way, but then we found one that was just nice and simple. It wasn't too long and had a ribbon around the edge.

This is actually it on eBay (if you have any need to check to make sure I'm not lying through my teeth).

As my friend was the only one with a pony tail she shoved it onto her head and actually wore it while we were wandering around the store (very entertaining I might add) and I just decided what the hell it was much cheaper than anything I'd seen at the salons, I'll get it.

That was my first wedding splurge I guess, and now that I've stopped and thought about it I've realized just how much thought is supposed to go into choosing a veil.

Apparently it's supposed to compliment or match your dress (though if you look at anything wedding wise it seems like everything is supposed to match the dress, which would make an interesting wedding if you showed up in jeans).

To make things even worse there are about 5000 different types of veils. Here's just a quick list with explanations. There are a lot that are missing actually.

TRADITIONAL VEIL DEFINITIONS

BLUSHER - is traditionally short, shoulder length or shorter and is worn over the bride's face to hide her from the groom until after they are wed when it's pushed back behind the head. It is usually combined with another layer sometimes a different length. Despite tradition, blushers of today can be any length as long as they cover the face. Blushers can be worn in formal or informal weddings.

ELBOW LENGTH - is usually worn with a gown without a train and is a little less formal.

FINGER-TIP LENGTH - is usually for formal and semi-formal weddings.

CHAPEL - is for a more formal wedding. A chapel veil falls to or near the floor.

CATHEDRAL - is for formal weddings. A cathedral veil extends on to the floor like a train and is usually worn with a dress with a train.

On top of all that, there's colors, stuff on the edge, and some have crystals all over them. Why must every wedding decision have 200 different options? It's like trying to get plain vanilla ice cream and they keep saying you can have it with everything from sprinkles to anchovies.

Never mind how you can just skip the whole veil idea and get yourself a flower, or hair pins, or a birdcage.

If you do decide to get a veil, it might be best to just close your eyes, spin around, and pick one at random.

I'm not ready for the close up

I'm slowly coming to realize that me researching, finding, and booking a photographer means I will in fact have to have my picture taken.

This is probably rated a million on the scoville rating of terror for an introvert. (The pure capsaicin would be having to perform a song and dance while reading your poetry and doing a strip tease)

I was always really good at not smiling in pictures, ever (which seeing as how most people can hear my laugh about three miles before meeting me shows how much pictures are not me); and my fiance is notorious for doing a fake smile that I can always pick out.

Me practicing, mostly laughing thanks to Futurama
(Only another two months for the second movie!)

So I've been trying to see if I can find a way to fake smile for real for all these horrors of wedding pictures. My first thought was to just stick pictures of everyone in the bridal party in their underwear all over the back of the church. Then I realized that I'd probably just have flashbacks to going dress shopping and I'll huddle in the corner crying.

Another thought was to pull the ol' (trying to get babies to look at the camera) and arming the photographer with a squeaky toy. But then we realized just how spoiled our dogs are already.

I thought about trying the advice from About: to lose 10 pounds in the camera, but I realized that since the camera adds 10 pounds, I'll just come out equal so there's no reason to twist myself into a pretzel to appease the camera gods.

All I can say is thank God I still have another 6 months or so, because at this rate I can either invent the camera that will capture your self image on film, or replace myself with a clone.

Either way, I will never really be photogenic.

It's everyone elses damn day

If I have to hear the phrase "It's your day" anymore I am gonna scream.

Here's just an example of where all you can find it.

1. It's your day -The planning hell
2. It's your day-with annoying music
3. It's your day-it even gets its own bloody boquet
4. It's your day-so you got to look hot
5. It's your day-Even the damn cake is just yours

If there is one thing I have learned as I get deeper into wedding planning it's that it isn't your day (or your finacee's). It's just as much the parents/grandparents/siblings/friends/pets/doctors day. Everyone has something that they always wanted and if you want to keep the peace just humor them, then you damn well better have it.

It's a good idea to just ask people what their expectations are. Everyone has different traditions from "The Dollar Dance" (which considering where my fiancees family comes from I might have to look into) to a Unity candle. Not to mention all the things the Mothers always thought you just had to have. Personally I raw the line at a giant ice fountain.

I am almost tempted to get one of those stupid "Bride" baseball caps and put underneath it in marker "please bring your questions to anyone else."

Smells like a bachelor party

For any brides worried that their guy might go a bit too overboard on their own bachelor party here comes HotWicks.They've got everything a guy could need to relax with his friends and have a nice game of bridge while imagining he's surrounded by beer and strippers.

That way you can keep good track of him, and he can try to convince all his other guy friends that he had one hell of a wild night.

All kidding aside, I am tempted to get one for my guy (especially the beer one) as it's probably the closest candle that you'd ever find that smells like bread. He has to put up with enough of my Yankee Candle nuttiness.

GAAAAHHHH!!!!

Of all the accomplishments we have made: man on the moon, moon pies, pies in vending machines, vending machines that kill, why can't we figure out how to cure canker sores or even what causes them?!

I have been cursed with these horrors since I was a child. And before you all go running, no they are not cold sores. Cold sores are on the outside of the face and are from Herpes. Canker Sores are on the inside of the mouth and are caused by Satan.

People usually get them when their body is under some kind of stress be it the pressure kind, the illness kind, or the chowing down on a lot of acid kind.

I've been fighting a doozy for over a week now and it just made me realize that I really don't fear acne breakouts, bad hair, or a killer clown on my wedding day as I do having a mouth full of the cursed canker sores.

I have yet to find anything that really helps. I have some orajel which will numb it for an hour at best. Though I also get to look forward to drooling all over the place as it also numbs over half of my mouth.

I've seen everything from baking soda to eating yogurt (I am beginning to suspect the yogurt company has deep pockets and will convince people to eat the stuff for anything--broken bone? Try Yogurt!) Some stuff is even contradictory from rinsing with salt water to avoiding anything with salt that could inflame them more.

Does anyone have any better cures than just shoving your head underwater til you pass out?

Since this had nothing to do with nothing here's a random wedding picture.

Come one, come all

We've bitten another bullet and after some hemming and hawing we finally went and ordered our invitations.

After pimping around for lots of invitations catalogues including from Rexcraft, Ann's Bridal Bargains, Seasons of Love by Dawn, The American Wedding, Now & Forever, and for some reason a Country Wedding one, we eventually settled on one that is on-line. So we've never seen it in person, held it, asked it how it feels about being mailed, seen it's taste in movies or international cuisine. (I will add that you do get free samples from some of the places listed above if you do feel you should love your invitation before setting it free).

But the ol' fiance and I decided on the one above based upon, well it was sort of autumn like without being too sappy. It is really really hard to find non sappy invitations. Flipping through catalogues it's easy to see how little guys generally have an input in invites considering how much pink and roses and hearts there are.

I think they should make a good ol fashioned beer and polka embossed wedding invitation. Think of how much fun could be had doing the chicken dance, and making your bridal party wear lederhosen.

Anywho, after getting a finalish count of how many people our parents are forcing us to invite we could finally order our invites.

Shouldn't be too hard right, we already picked everything out after all? Oh how I wish I knew then what I don't know now.

First you have to pick a font, and there are always a ton of options. Personally I thought that the webdings was a bit much, but it would put an interesting spin on things in the future if you calmly explain to people that you did in fact invite them but it wasn't your fault they didn't take the time to decipher it.

We just went with the easiest to read one that had a zed as there will be a prominent Z all over the place.

So we got a font, they words will look all pretty dressed up and everything. Then we realized, awe crap we have to come up with the words!

Here are some fun examples of all the damn options.

For any idea you need

If you're all formal

Something a bit more offbeat

As for us, we just eventually came down to

Yo, we's gettin' hitched
And no one's making us
So you best get your butts here
Or we'll just elope to Vegas

If you haven't heard

Stamps are going up, yet again. So if you have to be sending out a crap ton of invitations (assuming you actually want people at your wedding) you might want to go out now and buy a truck load of those forever stamps.

I've heard that you can get some fancy pants stamps for your wedding (because there's no way your invitations are fancy enough). But for me, I'm just gonna go a bit more old school.

I keep having a variation on a wedding dream where for some reason we've moved everything up super early (I think this time it was july) so we didn't have time to get any of the fun stuff done. No getting all dressed up as bridezilla, no getting to make horrible mints with my best friend (and MOH), no getting made a dork by being covered in toilet paper by previously mentioned friend.

Okay, so I may not miss the last one as much.

Either I'm becoming all anxious about the wedding plans, or taking into account some of my other dreams (such as a spy team having to rescue a dog that was disguised as a pig) my brain might just be making shit up again.

The flower garden

Hidden behind the castle walls grew the most sublime garden in the kingdom. Braving miles of road people traveled just to get a glimpse of the inviting and lovely flowers, many never wishing to go back to their humdrum verdure.

From this garden each day the fair princess would pick one flower to adorn her hair. The people loved their little princess, remarking upon her beauty in full bloom, “She is more elegant than a rose and fairer than a lily.”

Each morning the sun drifted over the castles high walls to reach the sleeping flower bed. In her own time each lovely flower would stretch and awaken for a new day. As they worked on their primping and sprucing up so would begin the same old argument.

“I think today the princess shall choose me for her fair hair,” started the Lily as she straightened out her petiole. No one wants a curled up petiole on their flower.

“Oh don’t start that again, Lily,” pricked the Hibiscus messing up the rouge on her stamens.

“My goodness, the sun certainly is bright today,” the Gardenia exclaimed as she pulled up her leaves to provide some shade. “The princess would certainly refuse me if I were to accidentally burn. You’re so brave dear Lily for proudly flaunting those freckles of yours. I know if I acquired them I’d be positively mortified and never show my face.”

The Pansy’s giggled, “Yes ‘fair’ Lily, do try to shade yourself or you could give the princess a real fright.”

“Oh and dear Pansy, do you really think the princess would favor you?” The Gardenia was on par this morning despite the heat.

The Pansy’s passed around their purple, blue and yellow paints emphasizing their petals taking great strides to get each wrinke, “Well, why wouldn’t she? We are by far the most vibrant of all you old stick in the muds. We’d fit in great at her parties.”

“Such a shame about the beard though. Maybe if you painted over it then the princess would happily wear you,” Daffodil snorted as she crimped her own yellow petals.

The Pansy’s looked down and mumbled, “We can’t help the way we were born,” and tried furiously to paint away their once beloved and now despised black petals.

Baby’s breath began to giggle to herself, “Poor Pansy, no one likes a flower that reminds them of their uncle Stan.”

Finished fluffing herself, Daffodil turned to face the sun and opened wide, “I bet the Princess shall pick me today. Nothing compares to a bright daffodil on a sunny day.”

“Truly, Daffodil? I see why your Latin name is Narciuss,” called down the Cherry Blossoms who are usually above such petty arguments but could never turn down a good pun. As none of the other flowers caught their joke they muttered under their breath about the uncouth and went back to being the most sagacious flower in the garden.

“Forgive the intrusion from your sun bathing Daffodil, but while the princess has enjoyed the company of your lovely sisters we all know that you may never hold a candle to them,” Hibiscus said, brushing some pollen off her petals.

“What makes you think that, sweet Hibiscus?” Daffodil asked her roots churning deep beneath her.

“Oh you know I never lower myself to point out another’s faults. Your little stamen discoloration is barely noticeable and I am sure that some people really like how long your nose petals are.”

“Daffodill, Daffodil, a nose as long as a bill. Hide from the rain under pretty Daffodil,” twittered Baby’s breath.

Pulling herself up to her full height Daffodil turned to face Hibiscus but making sure to keep her nose in the shadow, “Well I’d much rather have a larger nose than be as corpulent as you, Hibiscus. The princess would need a head larger than a wagon wheel to fit you.”

Sensing the new change in ridicule the Baby’s breath altered their gibes, “Hibiscus, Hibiscus watch out or she’ll eat all your biscuits.”

“Beloved fellow flowers, must we delve into the same argument every morning. It’s unbecoming of us. We must set an example for the commoners in the kingdom,” pleaded the Peony as she smoothed down her ruffled petals and added a dash of pink to her edges.

“We can always count on dear Peony to be the voice of reason,” chimed in Gardenia, bringing a bright smile to Peony’s face, “After all it isn’t as though she’s beautiful enough to ever adorn the princesses ear, and being pleasing to the ear is almost as good as pleasing the eye.”

“If I were not a lady and taught to hold my tongue I would tell you exactly what I think of you Miss Gardenia.”

“Now now, Peony. No offence was meant. I certainly don’t want you to overtax you poor little brain. Why don’t you just think about something soft and pink while we have an adult discussion.”

“You may think me simple minded, Miss Gardenia but at least I am not as backwatered as Miss Daisy.” Peony was feeling rather smug for coming up with her first quip and had to write it down in her diary right away lest it should leave her little brain.

Hearing her name, Daisy looked up from her happy patch of newly fertilized earth, “What’s up your stem Peony?”

Feeling up for some fun, Gardenia jumped onto the thread, “Daisy, do not tell me you have dreams of entering the palace? Your rural wildflower roots are sure to rack the delicate sinuses of the princess.”

“Sneazy sneazy, watch out for Miss Daisy,” giggle Baby’s Breath giving Peony another pun to jot down.

“Psh, who cares about looking beautiful all the time? I’m out doing things, seeing the world and soaking up the sun. While you, Gardie, just hide in the shadows afraid of a little sun. I don’t have time for all those paints and rouges you girls rely on so much. Good old fashioned colors are just fine for me,” Daisy turned away from the other flowers and smiled, for in her heart she just knew the princess would one day only admire the Daisy’s natural beauty and spurn the charlatans.

“Why sweet Gardenia, I dare say this morning you have been positively incomparable. You have mentioned every flowers short comings but been kind enough to forget about your own. I fear your modesty has overcome you and that I shall have to step in and alleviate this misgiving.” All eyes turned to the what many claimed was the most perfect rose in all of history. Due to this high mantle thrust upon her it was required of Rose to wait until everyone was awake and bright eyed so they could watch her alluring display spinning apart her petals each morning to reveal their crimson beauty.

“Rose, I was so concerned you were going to forget to open today and completely miss your adoring public. It’s so hard to enjoy a rose’s beauty in the night, your color just vanishes into the background.”

“Yes, dear Gardenia. But white stands out like a magnificent beacon even during the owls time,” Gardenia beamed even daring to let herself into the light, “It is such a shame that you have those black spots on your back to mar the light.”

“What? Where?!” Gardenia spun around on her stem so quickly she heard a crack causing her head to droop.

“I am loath to state poets have never felt it compelling to compare the flush of a pretty girl to a spotted gardenia. Perhaps if you took care of those they might.”

The Baby’s Breath plotted a new taunt for Gardie’s spots when shadow passed over head and the garden went silent. A large head peered down among the flowers. They recognized him immediately as the head gardener who came to pick a flower for the beloved princess.

Each girl prepared herself for this life altering decision. Lilly masked her freckles, the Pansy’s did their best to smile through five layers of paint, Daffodil turned her head to the side to hide her large nose, Hibiscus pulled herself in a bit to appear smaller, Peony frilled up her skirts and tried to look smart, Daisy secretly rubbed herself against the smaller roses to have a pleasing scent, and Gardenia and Rose battled to see who could have the dewiest petals.

“Why each flower is the most gorgeous beautiful scene of nature I’ve ever seen,” exclaimed the gardener, “I have no idea which the princess would prefer.” So he picked each flower and carried them to the princess to let her decide.

Holding his arms out proudly to her, “My dearest Princess, which of these beauties do you think can live up to your own and decorate your hair?”

But the princess looked up at him and pulled a face, “Do not talk to me of flowers. Don’t you know they are no longer fashionable and all the beautiful women wear silver and gold in their hair. Go and fetch me a silver hair clip or I shall never be happy again.”

“Yes, right away my Lady. But what should I do with these flowers?”

“Throw them away for all I care. No one is interested in flowers anymore.”

And so the flowers were left to rot and die on the table, never once being admired.

I really am a geek

So we're starting to get closer and closer to the big day (can't wait for that chance to celebrate our first vernal equinox together) and I figured with the weather getting nicer I should look into trying to get into some sort of shape. After much looking and research I realized that I couldn't become rhombus shape. Instead I went with a random fitness DVD that included some posture ideas (turns out stooping is bad).

Well aside from the fact that it totally kicked my ass, I had a realization that one of the girls in the background you know just generally smiling way too much for inflicting so much pain on other is a dead ringer for Lister from Red Dwarf. I wish I was kidding, but she's even kinda built like him too.

Considering Dave Lister's lifestyle I'm not sure if that's how I'd really like to look like on my wedding day. I just look terrible with dreadlocks.

Another hope with all this fitness working out stuff is that I will get strong enough to be able to work the kick pedal on RockBand so I can play hard and we can get more than a half a million fans. Yeah, we're a sad sad couple.

Whole New Wedding

Last night I just up and decided to hell with it, I'm going to change all the plans that we've made so far.

For starters instead of my simple white dress that is actually a bridesmaids one, I'm going with a super expensive, mortgage your house one. Plus I think I can hide some fruit in the ruffles for nourishment throughout the day.

I also realized that I have been acting waaay too lenient with my bridesmaids. Instead of them being able to pick their own dresses and colors, I'm going to make all of them wear something that could compete with a bag lady's outfit (and would also be the same as trying to buy three shopping carts).

And to go with all of these super special and magnificent dresses we have to get married at some place even more over the top. I was a bit worried due to physical restraints of having to stay within this state but I actually found myself a midwest castle.
We may even get ourselves some of these to go with it.

Trying to think of a dinner menu, I think we should go for something unexpected. So after much soul searching and testing, we've decided we should have lobster stuffed with tacos.

And what would a wedding be without some special favors for your numerous ravenous guests. Sure some people will have a photobooth there, or give everyone some candy in cute little tulle bags. We've decided to do both and have a photobooth that turns candy into your image and will then wrap it into a tulle bag.

Finally after a magical day we'll speed off to our antarctic honeymoon in a horse drawn super carriage!

Whew, glad I got all that done on today of all days.