Halloween Wars - Week Four

We made it. Past the corpulent clowns, the ravenous vampire bears and the Jeff Goldbulms hanging in subwy bathrooms. We're finally here, at the battle to end all battles once and for good.

Let the War begin!

 In this corner; the Flying V of Kings, the Brit with the Gaul, Henry V and the Agincourtettes!

And in this corner; the Elbow of Elba, the Emperor of Ankle Biting, Napoleon and his fellow pastries!

But what is a war without a moderator? A bloody mess, that's what. So we have...

really? What, was all of Switzerland closed today for snow? A donkey the fairy king turned human for kicks was the best you could round up? Fine.

And to determine just who most cut short the tender lines of fate of squash, we still have Asian Kerry Vincent, Some Hard on his luck Magician and for the guest judge - a true master of horror in the medium of both cake, sugar and pumpkins!

Nah, I'm just shitting you. It's another vampire actress. This time the best they could pull in was off some Red Shoe Vampire show on the CW.

It's a good thing there aren't any more episodes, they were running out of vampire shows. The next stop was either the Count off Sesame Street (who could probably use the work if November sees a turn for the horrifying), or a transient dressed in a Lincoln beard and stovepipe hat.

But to the battle!

Let us slip the dogs of war and...what?

I'm sorry, apparently before we can massacre each other in a display of fall autumnal innards we must first have a penultimate battle. A baby war to determine who gets to call the coin toss for the real war.

And what shall be the theme of this baby war, oh donkey man?

"I want you to make us something trapped, caught, like you're stuck somewhere no fun and can't get out."

Tr-apped? Caught? Stuck? Nope, still not getting it.

It was physically impossible for Midsummer Night's Mare to cough out "Claustrophobic," I assume because he hasn't gotten past B in his "Big Book of Horrors."

But off the teams raced, each trying to come up their own ideas for trapped, without breaking down into a sobbing mess as they realized they too are caught in an endless maze of never ending terrors forced to perform eternally for the ghouls of the damned.

Hey, that's exactly how I "watch" Sweet Genius.

Because the producers feed upon the suffering of others, each team is given only 45 minutes to scramble, trying to whip together a pointless waste of sugar and pumpkin (won't somebody please think of all the unborn pumpkin pies?!)

Food Network tried to crank up the drama, using the Dun Dun DuUUNNN!! music when trying to move a piece of sugar glass.

 Isn't it a law that if you're moving a piece of glass on film, a tiny car chase has to break out?

But Napoleon and Henry gave it their all.

No touching! No touching! No touching!

Team Agincourt gave us a lone foot, chained up, forced to subsist upon nothing but graham crackers and not even a ball to bounce again the wall.

 Or there was something about a guy chained to a wall, forced to gnaw his own leg off to escape. I hear James Franco's already started filming the movie, writing the theme song, and drawing the graphic novel version with his butt.

 I always wonder what goes best with raw leg, and is it impolite to suck out your own marrow?

Team Napoleon broke the cardinal rule of war and got into a land war in Russia.

In Russia, ice crushes you.

 The bearded judge took this chance to plug his makeup school and talked about how important learning how to make frozen corpse makeup is. Let me tell ya, I can't count the number of frozen corpse movies I've seen the past year alone.

The Dark Knight Freezes
The Frost Avengers
Cabin in the Lake
IceFall
Rock of Ages (oh wait, that was actually botox.)

 Of course this complaint, which the guest parrot was quick to pick up on as well, makes no bloody sense. What's more terrifying, a frozen corpse floating underwater or a live man screaming to be broken free before he turned into said frozen corpse?

And all he could see from this vantage point was a TV stuck on Diners, Drive in, and Dives reruns.

Because the judges forgot the entire premise of their baby war, and also have a noticeable Halloween Wars rule to award one team the entire competition trophy while the other gets the small challenge participation ribbon, the extra pair of hands chained to a wall went to team Agincourt.

Now, we've gotten that out of our system. May we please let slip the dogs of war? They're getting cranky and really need to go walkies.

And just what is the ultimate competition challenge? The creme de la creme of Halloween, Horror, Monsters and Myths to chill your spine and freeze your bloated face?

Zombie wedding...

I'll give that a minute to sink in.

Yeah.

That's right, zombie wedding. The kind of thing you'd expect to see as a pinterest board from a couple of teenagers that are trying to be "edgy." Oh I'd like totally wear a black wedding dress to my zombie wedding and make the cake look like brains.

Last week I begged for the two remaining teams to be set loose upon the battlefield and see what horrors they could crank out. Instead we get the most narrow competition primer short of the host holding up a picture his nephew drew and saying "Make that, but in pumpkin."

But off the two warrior teams trekked, each giddily wheeling over a pumpkin that could house the entire cast of Elves from the Hobbit.

 Elf Pumpkin Stuffing is going to be huge!

Once again, because it isn't a Food Network competition show without Drama™ they made a huge deal out of the only one on team Napoleon with a snazzy hat taking a bit of a tumble to the floor.

They showed his fall, in both slow and slower motion, I shit you not, a total of six times. Interspersed over top was an interview talking about how he was certain he could never walk again and his pumpkin carving days were over, while he promptly rolled to his feet and got back to making zombie faces.

I swear, next year they're just gonna have a small monkey running around with a hammer so they don't have to rely on contestants injuring themselves.

The shark has jumped Halloween Wars.

The Michelin Man was one ugly baby.

Can't go wrong with zombie teeth!

 The Dowager Countess does not Approve.

Running out of banana peels to throw onto the floor and sentient buckets to place on top of doors, the two teams were able to finish their pieces in relative peace. So let's get to this war to end all wars, until someone elects Cake Hitler.

Team Agincourt went completely off script and made a pair of zombies at a wedding!   

Sure, the cake was stale, the guests refused to RSVP and the minister sounded a lot like Michael Dorn but just look at how happy the groom is.

This would be an After-Shotgun wedding

 The clothes were, as the judges kept pointing out, serendipitous because apparently fondant and wet pumpkins do not get on well. They kept falling off and tearing but it helped make the zombie couple forced to spend every year renewing their vows (like Heidi Klum and Seal until they were finally able to break the curse by killing the head wedding planner).

 Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you beat me senseless for getting that song stuck in your head.

 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called death.

 The hands in front are holding onto the time waster, I mean tasting part of the challenge. Because judges demand food to keep them satiated until they can find a PA to drain dry.

The dark, gothic, skeletons and gargoyles and tombstones (oh my) is right up my alley. I love that shit so much I fear one day I'll wake up and realize I became an Addams overnight.

Despite the stupid premise, relentless march of Drama™ and pointless time wasters I really dug this piece. I may switch it up a few years and have the zombie bride and zombie groom gnawing upon the tasty flesh of a wedding guest but this gets an "I would so put it in my yard" sticker.

If you accumulate ten more you get a free slurpee.

But here I am babbling about things unimportant to all when there's still team Napoleon!

 Has anyone seen my contact lens? 

In trying to think outside this very narrow box, they decided the zombie couple actually died during their wedding (a very real danger during a full mass) in the middle of a swamp.

Romeo & Juliette, the second year anniversary.

  

 John!

Marsha!

 This couple was still a bit ooey gooey fresh with ribs and bones and organs squishing all over the place while the couple tried to gnaw woo through the marrow of their victims.

Bit of advice to young gentlemen trying to court an undead lady. When she leans so far away from your face you fear she might topple backwards, she's just not that into you.

It was a rather dead heat for the two pieces "Love you can only kill by destroying the brain," and "Shakespeare in the Swamp" but bearded judge brought up the one word that gets the entire panel salivating "gore." And it was clear who the winner would be.

Team Napoleon, for your tireless efforts to maintain your dignity with your hand snagged inside your coat you win Halloween Wars and also a studio full of BEES!

Good war, good war, good war.

Thus has passed another year of ghouls, goblins, spooks and specters; freed from their pumpkin and cake prisons, at last able to journey into the light and their one true home, scaring the shit out of dudebros on the travel channel.

The corpse of Halloween lies impaled upon a 10 foot tall sugar spike, the heroes are bloody and broken but unbowed, and somewhere a donkey wonders why it's wearing a jacket stuffed with lame props.

But like all bad horror movies, you know the monster will be back again and again and again...

And I'll still be here, because they haven't found a vampire show actress to replace me yet.