Soldering

It's a sad sad day.

Tomorrow I have to depart with my beloved. For you see, he must head back to the shop where we got him to be soldered to his brother so they're both ready in time for the wedding.

It's gonna be weird, we haven't spent a day apart since we first met back in October and now he's going away for two whole weeks. Though hopefully half of that time will be spent in a box so I can stop by and see him whenever I want. Not to mention I can finally pull my place holder out.

I think this is when we cue the montage of me and my engagement ring playing on the swings together, enjoying an ice cream, trying on funny hats, and beating old cars with baseball bats.

It's weird how this, along with having my final fitting (I hope it's the last one anyway), that have been on the calendar for a long long time far off into the future so no way it would ever get here is suddenly tomorrow.

So that means in two weeks I'm getting married. Just two little weeks, 14 days, not enough hours, really few minutes, and okay a crap ton of seconds.

I think I've hit a new freak out now.

Nanny's etiquette guide

Hello dearies, Aunt Nanny here to answer all of your etiquette questions. I've recently come to learn that a lot of people are forgetting the rules of when and how to either invite or be invited to a wedding.

Apparently it's become quite popular to use this new fangled thing on the spider webs called muzzlebook or OurSpace. It saves the bride some much precious coin she can put towards a new still in the backyard (always a good choice) but there arise some issues with going the cheap and easy route.

First off, people feel really cheated of not being able to finger your beautiful tissue paper and see if it can go with the almanac in the privy or not. Then you have that one Uncle who will get lost unless he has the card with the exact time and address of the church, the one card with a map hand drawn to show where everything is in the town, and he's carpooling with someone who's already been there.

It's also doubly important to send an actual invitation to people who will be "helping (better known as working)" your wedding. If for no other reason than you can be sure they'll show up on time so you can boss them around. You also want to be careful in making this group thing on the facetome as any old ladies could see the opportunity for free food and booze and show up taking my fair share.

On the other side of this invitation stickle is for the guest themselves. If one actually does in fact recieve a paper invitation with those double envelopes and someone had painstakingly drawn out a pretty approximation of your names on the inner one, don't assume that that means you can invite your kids, your cousins, and that one uncle who does a really good impression of Pop-Eye every chance he gets.

Trust me, the bride has worked quite hard and gotten into a few fist fights in order to get the guest list widdled down to those who are coming as well as any ol' Nanny's that dispense advice. Inviting your whole brood will just throw off the seating chart so if I wind up far away from the bar there will be hell to pay.

I hope this episode of Nanny's etiquette has helped to clear up any misconceptions with a wedding. With my help you'll have the perfect shin dig complete with those little bits of cheese on the pointy sticks.

MIL-Niner-Niner-Tango

I'm beginning to suspect there is a super secret Future Mother In Law handbook in existence and once they find out their son is engaged it's mailed off to the new recruit.

I first began to suspect of such a thing when I realized that mine is stalling on getting me a guest list. For my mother I just randomly mentioned that we'd be wanting a number and in a week she mailed me a fun random doodling of names, addresses, and their favorite condiment. As for the other side, we had to drag a number out of her so we could order invitations. Still waiting on a list of names and address so we could send the invitations to someone instead of dumping them down the sewer (sadly we don't have enough passes for the sewer mutants).

This is one of the best ways to stall the wedding (assuming they aren't paying for anything anyway) without causing any major structural damage.

There must be a lot more to the FMIL Handbook on how to really stop a wedding you don't want to have to go to. These can include driving the bride nuts by constantly changing her mind, refusing to have anything to do with it, or saying she really wants to help and then when the bride does ask for help feign not hearing her.

I'm onto your secret MIL society. You might be more powerful than the freemasons, more reaching than the Templars, and more secret than the Justice League but I will find you and end your torture of brides and future brides everywhere.

Or just to help hold back the tide if you can't take down the MIL organization, you could always grease the wheels with a really nice gift.

Bridesmaid Bootcamp!

I have created a wonderful program to whip your girls into shape and get them ready for the best day of your life!

Welcome to Bridesmaid BootCamp!

The first week is spent getting them into the right mind set. We limit their food to just mind numbing gruel and water. This will bend their minds so that no matter how ugly of a dress you choose for them, they'll gladly pony up $300 and even think that it makes them look gorgeous. (For an extra day we can also convince them that those 4 inch stilettos with the huge bows and rhinestones they have to pay for are a dream come true.)

But you don't just want your girls to stand up there, looking like fashion gone mad with a chainsaw, you also need them to donate weeks of their lives to helping you pull off the "Day to End all Days!"

Every bridesmaid must be efficient at filling out, addressing, and mailing your invitations. For 12 hours we'll set them up in an empty room with just a table, a chair, water, and your pile of invitations that absolutely have to go out in a day. For some extra money we'll also include our etiquette expert Rosco, to make sure that everything is spelled correctly and addressed just so.

For those brides trying to save some money, everyone needs some help with making favors/flowers/centerpieces and we can help there too. Most brides want to be there to make sure their girls are doing everything just right and perfect and we have a perfect solution. With a two-way mirror you can make sure that every ribbon is tied correctly and every flower petal is in the right place thanks to a horrible screech button. Every time a girl messes up just press the button and they will have a screech sound played over the loud speakers until they fix their mistake.

After all this work we know you feel like your girls deserve some thanks (even if we all know you deserved it for being THE BRIDE!) so this program also comes with their own thank you gifts - A coupon book for their city (highlights a $10 oil change), a pen with a flower on it (attached with scotch tape), some earrings just for that big day (will self destruct after 24 hours), and a thank you card that's had your name printed onto it.

Together, Bridesmaid BootCamp and you calling up your girls 12 hours a day we can give you the Perfect Day of Your Life.