Monday, May 23, 2016

Dragon Age Planter

Now is the summer of our content - provided we didn't piss off the Tudors and wind up buried under a carport.

I love any excuse to dig in dirt and smell bright things, so gardening is the perfect hobby to pick up when the weather turns nice/excruciatingly hot/dead/nice again. While ceramic pots are fancy and all, I have a dog who's less than graceful when she's chasing after a tennis ball.

The problem with preferring plastic pots is they're boring as sin to look at. Flat browns and muddy greens is all anyone can bother with while ceramics get the prettiest colors and shades. But no, I shall stand up against Big Ceramic and make my own eye catching plastic planter.

Designed to house my black petunia and candy corn plant (it's my Halloween in summer design) this is crazy easy to make. All you need is a planter, spray paint, cardstock, an exacto blade, and tape.

I printed off the dragon onto the cardstock and proceeded to slowly trim it out with the exacto blade to make the stencil. You could do this with any of your favorite emblems and have an entire gamer garden.

The only trick is to make sure you get the fusion spray paint that's designed to stick to plastic (which is one of the 10 wonders of the modern world. I couldn't do a tenth of my prop making without it). If you're working with a terracotta planter then you needn't bother, the old fashioned stuff is fine.

Make sure to leave a long drying time between the first color layer before adding the stencil. The fusion stuff stays tackier longer and tape may flake it off.

Now, tape up your stencil and get to spraying. Once it's all dried and you've touched up some inevitable run off, plant your elfroot in there and you're ready to save thedas.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Dog Bite Revisited

This is for that blonde, Stepford prig who accosted me on a walk because I dared to write a blog about an incident involving her dog biting mine. Seems she's mad because I called her moronic husband an idiot because he let his dog burst out of his front door, run across the street, AND BITE THE ASS OF MINE!

No, you bleach blonde bitch, she was not scratched. She was bitten! A veterinarian inspected the bite marks inside her anus. Animal control took pictures. We had to harass you for weeks for you to just pay the $60 for her medication when your dog BIT MINE IN THE ASS!

There was weepy, bloody discharge coming out of her ass. That doesn't occur from a scratch mark, that's caused by your dog attacking mine completely unprovoked, you screeching harridan. She didn't just bleed on your front lawn, she bled the entire long walk back home, on the floor while I held her, and on the trip to the vet. So don't you dare come at me with your made up imaginary world of that being a scratch.

I wondered how your dogs could be such terrors to the point anyone who walks near them lives in fear but now I understand. Your head is shoved so far up your own ass you cannot accept responsibility for anything. Rather than do anything about your dog attacking mine, you'd rather blame me for writing a post on my personal blog you searched to find what your dog did to mine, my family. And because you know Stepford must be a bad word what with all those syllables it means I'm just as bad as you. Right lady. That'll hold up in court.

Your dog, your property, bit mine IN THE ASS! Fucking deal with it! Your denying will not change the facts. Real life isn't fox news. I have documentation, vet bills, Animal Control took pictures. Your own front yard was coated in my dog's blood. Who knows how many other dog's blood yours has taken before or since.

My dog is still scared of chocolate labs, especially any off a leash. And do you know why? BECAUSE YOURS BIT HER IN THE ASS!

You were the one who bothered to google search for me, for your dog biting me in the ass. I left no connection whatsoever to your boring ass house here, you got to keep your privacy. But then you dared to shout at me while I was walking past, minding my own business. Just like that July day when your dog ran across the street and bit mine in the ass! Teeth marks in her anus and her vagina. Deep enough to put her on antibiotics. To have blood gushing out for miles.

You're fucking lucky we didn't see any reason to sue. To force your animals to be put down. It wasn't just the chocolate that ran across, but your little white snippy things as well. How many has it bitten as well?

The next time you feel the urge to fire up Google, maybe look up some classes on taking responsibility for your own shit first. And please, do not wait sitting in your front yard to yell at people you hurt because that reflects poorly upon you to the neighbors your dogs terrorize and is pathetic as hell.

My dog has never bitten anyone. My dog is well trained. She didn't even yelp when people kept touching her butt to document what yours did. If you can't be trusted to train a dog to not bite people because you can't own up to your own shit, then don't own a fucking dog!

Peace and Love, blonde bitch.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Dwarves in Space 2

The prophesied time has come. I'm pleased to announce pre-orders are open for Dwarves in Space 2: Family Matters.
Family, it’s a kick in the teeth on every planet.

Five years have passed since Variel changed her name, her face, and her credit rating in order to leave the Knights. After kicking Sovann, the knight who came after her ship, out the airlock, she thought she was free of her past.  Unfortunately, she forgot to take care of that pesky husband problem. Thanks to legal finagling, he’s tracked her down and has her ship and crew on lockdown unless she plays ball, but all Variel wants to do is knock his teeth up into his brain.

The Elation-Cru are on a mad dash across the galaxy to secure enough unicorn (the drug, not the horse - though consuming it will cause you to grow a horn and excrete rainbows) to pay off her husband and unlock the ship before it explodes. Drug dealing was the last thing Variel wanted to get pulled into, but Marek always brought the worst out in her. If he keeps pushing it, he’s going to see why she was a feared Knight of the Crest Empire.

All the characters are back; Ferra the elven engineer, Orn the sarcastic dwarven pilot, Monde the orc doctor, Brena the loopy bard, Taliesin the not-brooding assassin, and WEST. Can’t go anywhere without WEST, their not-quite-sane artificial intelligence, it would set the toaster on fire in protest.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

WB, DC - we need to talk

Guys, I'm starting to think you're not well.

When Deadpool proceeded to do what anyone with a pulse suspected it would, we all joked that "Oh ho ho, DC's gonna try and make everything all dick jokes and gore to get that now coveted R-rating. Ha ha. I bet they're slapping in some CGI shots of the bat-peen just to get there right now."

See, that's what we call hyperbole. A joke. Oh right, you're the serious company. I should explain what a joke is. It's something funny that doesn't involve brooding and standing in the corner talking about your dead parents or how you're Jesus. Laughter often follows. Deadpool, on top of the violence, cursing ,and sex employed many of them to varying degrees of success, but they were crammed into all ninety minutes. You're not Deadpool. You can't all be Deadpool.

So, why in wide world of sports do you think releasing an R-rated cut of Batman vs Superman (hereafter referred to as Bats Vs Soup) is a wise idea? I get it, I do, you want to be seen as an adult. You've screamed as much while stomping your feet for just about every interview since word of Bats vs Soup released 5,000 years ago. After Marvel stole all your thunder and invented this Shared Universe that you were totally going to do once you got all your shit in line, you've been drifting.

Rather than go back to your roots of superpowered gods that relies on the old mythical fantasy of ideals and morals, you decided that you needed to reinvent yourselves (we're not calling it a reboot this time because we think comic book fans are like toddlers. If we call broccoli cupcakes you'll totally eat it). Marvel is now that old fashioned comic book company full of overpowered girls that talk to squirrels and out of date muslim teenagers who can stretch her limbs to take selfies. But not you, DC. You're the adult one. You're the one with your finger on the pulse of the nation.

And what you got out of Deadpool shattering box offices was that those adults you cater to are dumber than a bag of hammers. They don't really care about something well crafted that hews close to the source material and is teeming with love. Nope, all they give a shit about is that now magical R rating you used to run and hide from.

Libertarian Superman who was raised by Pa Kent to only look out for number one and fuck the rest is so much edgier when he lets off a few "motherfuckers" during his climactic scene where he fights a Ninja Turtle off (I am being told that is Doomsday, but I think the voice in my ear is full of shit). And our archetype who began all these clones, the Nolan Batman, is a totally relatable character when he uses his guns (?!) to viscerally shoot a man's skull in half. That's what the adults really want to see, Batman blowing people away. But no jokes though, this is still the serious company.

I'm sure Bats vs Soup won't fail fail, it can't. You've put the GDP of a small European country into marketing this damn thing. I'm half expecting you hired people to go door to door asking why people haven't seen the damn thing yet and offer to drive you to the theaters. But this blatant and sad dip into the R-rating for no other reason than "We're the adult ones, damn it! ME! ME! ME!" has me a bit worried for you.

There's another recent development that has come to my attention. Wonder Woman. I shall refrain from sharing my opinion of Gal Godot because that would require another 2K words and an excessive use of r-rated language. No, what I'm here to talk about is Etta Candy.

I am no Wonder Woman fan but even I knew about Etta Candy, the plus sized best friend of Diana from way back when who smashed skulls and loved sweets.

As you can see, she isn't model plus size. She's voluptuous, she has real rolls, Ruben would weep for joy if he could paint her.

And who does the pro-women empowering™ strong female character cliche movie get to play as Etta Candy?

A skinny woman in a fat suit. I am not even fucking kidding.

They hired Lucy Davis best known as the not Pam on the not US Office, and then they stuck her in a fat suit THAT'S STILL SMALLER THAN THE CHARACTER IN A COMIC BOOK!

Are you fucking kidding me?! (Oh no, my blog post just slipped into the r-rating. Here on out it's nothing but dick jokes).

You have the one, the ONE not size 2 female character in comic books. You didn't give in to the idiotic New 52 reboot of making every fat woman skinny (poor Amanda Waller), but rather than just cast a woman of the same size as Etta you *grabs DC's collar* PUT HER IN A MOTHERFUCKING FAT SUIT!

That shit was old fashioned as hell with Shallow Hall, a movie first no one should see and second released in fucking god damn two thousand and motherfucking one! You arseholes!

I cannot wait for when the actors all start running the interview circuit and Lucy Davis talks about how BRAVE she was for wearing a fat suit on camera. How DARING it was for her to appear not as skinny as humanly possible for a few minutes in a movie. Truly, give this woman a medal for dressing up like a large woman for a few hours. She deserves all the accolades. Bravo! Bravissimo!

Fat women aren't people, they're something to overcome. Something actors suffer through for the art.

Wonder Woman is a totally empowering movie for women...assuming you're not fat, don't have any visible muscle mass, or are not any color other than lily white. Girl power!

Friday, February 5, 2016

Feminine Wiles is Not a Superpower

Because the hype machine for a movie begins before anyone even starts filming, we get quotes and tidbits from the stars of Batman vs Superman: Dawn of a Franchise every other day until the earth is swallowed into the sea.

The latest comes courtesy of Gal Godot the actress who's inhabiting the body of Wonder Woman and may or may not be voicing her (We've never seen her talk in a single one of the 5,000 trailers, even for her own movie).

If I may quote Gal Godot regarding Wonder Woman, she says in Movieweb:

"Her sexuality is part of her power, but she is also a feminist icon."

Are you fucking kidding me? I know, I shouldn't be surprised right. This is Zach Snyder universe, the beloved creator of Sucker Punch. Of course those ladies are only good for what's between their legs. As long as we gussy it up as feminism and empowering no one will notice all we know what to do is oggle them.

But Marvel's so much better, uh...
It's okay though because see first Widow's all helpless and whimpering and tied up but then she goes super kick ass feminist lady and beats up the guys. It's totally hot, I mean empowering! It's empowering to watch that. Right ladies? Oh who cares what the ladies think, this is all for the men!

And e come to the issue with "Strong Female Character" being a marketing buzzword without anyone having a clue what it means or how to show it. It's like nonplussed. Does it mean surprised or unsurprised? No one will know until they open the box and kill the cat!

Black Widow's main job in the Marvel U so far has been to be Tony's secretary (lady job check), be the sweet one who brings in the Hulk (Only ladies be all compassionate and shit), feel bad for Barton so we know he deserves to be rescued from Loki (double compassion), cry at Loki (need it be said that's a lady thing?), feel bad for not having kids (all ladies dream of being Mommies!) and be a love interest for every possible character they could cram in leading to Renner shoving his foot deep into his mouth. About the only time she was really helpful to the plot was Cap 2 where she just made out with him like once. That hardly counts.

Could you imagine if Steve Rogers tried to seduce his way through Hydra? Or if the Hulk simpered and whined for information before smashing someone? Of course not! Because they're men and men aren't dictated by their sexuality. Men take. Women give. Even their slutty Tony Stark comes off as using women for sex, he never tries to snuggle up to them for anything they have.

The ones doing all the writing for these Strong Female Sexy Sexy Characters are, of course, men. To them women are a collective of fun parts that occasional bump together that forms a thought on accident. But unless there's a man around to hear it, that lady didn't really say anything useful. She's supposed to look pretty all the time even in a warzone and play the cute, useless one until BAM the plot calls for her to beat up a warehouse full of men. Don't worry though guys, once the hero's on the scene she'll be back to simpering and useless in low cut tops.

But Natasha's a spy, and spies are supposed to be all sexy and shit to get information. Okay, fine. It would be one thing if Natasha was a one of, but that is the only damn play men know how to write for women. She's strong and sassy, but she'll purr over the bad guy's lap the second the plot calls for it because she forgot how to punch? Her lasso of truth was in her other swimsuit?

People demand women have something to do other than be rescued but men have no idea how to write it. They'll include the obligatory she beats up all the bad guys in a pointless scene but you can replace nearly all Strong Female Heroines™ with a potted plant and it'd have no effect on the plot. Shit, Gamora was upstaged by an actual talking tree who repeated one line. What did she do to help the Guardians really? Aside from give Starlord pants tingles she um, uh...held the door open for them?

Sex is the one power all women are supposed to have (regardless if that's true or not), and it's the one all woman are supposed to use against men (again, not remotely true). Which means men are fucking terrified of it. They do all they can to regulate a woman's sex appeal. Slut shaming, dress codes, "boys will be boys," it's a woman's job to control men because they can't hep it, it's her fault for what she was wearing/doing/thinking. These supposed feminine wiles terrify the hell out of them.

So that's what they write. That's the only strength they think women have, their breasts and ass. Which brings us back to Wonder Woman. She's an Amazon, she can have a punch off against Superman, she's currently the God of War, she's thousands of years old, but what's her power? Her sexuality.

If you were hoping the Wonder Woman would have her being the actual hero, looks like you'll have to keep waiting. All she can do is bat her eyelashes, pout her lips, and stick out her chest to get the bad guys to give up. What year is it again?