Wednesday, April 16, 2014

First Review and Giveaway

It has begun.

The other half of the "begging everyone and their little dog too to give a review" is "getting said reviews and then mining them for blurbs to get other people to review it." I think it finally ends with a giant explosion and we're all star babies or something.

Ah, but the point. We were all here for the point. To tie in with my first book review, the website is also offering my first giveaway. If you want a free ebook copy, head on over and throw in your name.

Read the Review and Enter for a Free Copy


I suppose this means it's finally time to put up the amazon link and info up on my side. If you want to buy it, head on over here.

Now to wait for that "I hated it and you should be beaten with a sack full of fish" review.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Carrot Cake M&Ms

Good morning class, today I would like to discuss the most disgusting candy to grace the aisle in a long while. I speak of the carrot cake M&M.

You may have not seen it on your stores. Like most things evil it has an exclusive deal with WalMart to try and contain the demon, but once evil is formed in the world it always finds a way to escape.

M&M has gone a wee bit over the deep end lately, copying hershey's kisses in the early naughts. (Are we still calling 2000's the naughts or did the cool kids come up with something less 20's speakeasyish. That's jake!) There are raspberry M&Ms, birthday cake M&Ms, the soul of angel's M&Ms. Apparently, their R&D guys barricaded themselves inside the lab and refuse to come out until they've released at least three abominable flavors a year the marketing department have to convince the rest of us to eat.

Why do I hate the carrot cake M&M? Well, let's start here:
White chocolate is not chocolate, it is satan's cum rolled in the butt crack of the sugar miser. To call it chocolate is to invite constant and deserved hatred from true chocolate lovers, or humans with taste buds. Anyone who defends white chocolate is clearly an ancient horror here to recruit people into their cult of worshiping lucifer and eating not-chocolate. Monsters.

But, I can move past my deep mistrust of white chocolate to give a more accurate reflection of the taste profile. I hate you white chocolate, Hitler ate white chocolate, melt in the cleansing holy fire white chocolate. See, totally impartial.

Before we can begin you need to get three of the carrot cake M&Ms. You'll see why.

Carrot Cake M&M 1: A bit of the classic carrot cake spice burst across the tongue but is quickly overtaken by the white chocolate. There are hints of what they plastered across the bag but it is lost in the cloying arms of the chocolate.

Carrot Cake M&M 2: The carrot cake spice is long gone now, all that remains is the evil white chocolate and a single crumb of cinnamon screaming for help before it too drowns in the sweet embrace. Things are getting bad now. The sugar coats the tongue like a too tight sweater, refusing to give up its grasp on the tastebuds.

Carrot Cake M&M 3: Oh god, the things I do for you people. Okay, okay, here we go. Like being waterboarded by pure glucose, the white chocolate has extended off the tongue, down the throat, across the cheeks, and probably into the brain. I cannot taste anything but the white chocolate, the miniscule carrot cake long ago destroyed by the menacing fist of the white chocolate. But the worst part is, the white chocolate does not wash away. It will squat on your tongue like a fat toad beneath a tree root for minutes up to an hour. Every swallow tastes of white chocolate, every breath reminds you of the wrongs you have committed; carrot cake M&Ms are a penance for the life you've lived. Look upon the cartoon bunny and weep!

If you love carrot cake and can stand white chocolate then you might enjoy these M&Ms, but you can only eat them one at a time, taking breaks every hour to let the aftertaste subside lest your tongue is overloaded with sweet and cannot find the spice at all.

If you mostly eat carrot cake for the cream cheese frosting and, like a proper person, despise white chocolate, get a tub of cream cheese and eat that. It'll be a log reduction less sweet than these M&Ms.

And that is the terror of the carrot cake M&M.

Class dismissed for spring break.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Book Trailer Premiere!

I'm happy to announce the internet premiere of the book trailer for The King's Blood from Erin Kelly.



I love what she came up with from the few images I've made. The music puts me in mind of something from Hogfather, rabbits are always scary, and it's never wise to walk under witch signs.

I also received my book proof and have approved it so soon it'll be heading out across the country to bookstores.

If you just can't wait for the May 13th launch date, it is up at Amazon so I can point some reviewers there.

I should warn you, it's a really long book.

Otherwise I'm trucking along on my Dwarves in Space 2 1/2 manuscript and plotting a few guest posts. Marketing is an endless mobius strip which you only jump off when you move to a new book and begin again.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Book stuff

Hello, it's been a wee bit maddening around here the past week or so.

To begin, I had the brilliantly stupid plan to get back into the novel writing business this month. I wasn't going to create a full novel, but I had a shorter novella in mind and since Camp Nano was starting up in April I figured, why not.

 Normally this time of year I'd be editing and after I blew my brain scraping The King's Blood into a published state, I've been itching to put finger to laptop.
I've been doing some updating to my website, which I am half assing at this point because of stuff. But if you had any pressing King's Blood questions and didn't want to ask me this might help.

The King's Blood.

Also, in keeping the marketing machine going, I've created a facebook author page. I'll be posting stuff there linking around to my writing and giveaways and swag as I make that stuff.

If you want to like me on facebook here's the page.

S. E. Zbasnik on the facebook

I'm also working on a guest blog post about love triangles and will be doing a podcast in the end of April, so you can all see me being terrifying!

As if all that isn't enough I had some fresh ulcers dropped onto my gastrointestinal tract last night. Originally, one of the things Lulu promised us along with book covers (we all know how well that went) was a book trailer and website. I suspected the website wouldn't be anything all that useful to me so I made my own but I'd been a wee bit counting on the book trailer for that Pubslush thing we're being highly encouraged to do.

You can probably guess where this is going. Since that is no longer an option, I'm working with Erin Kelly to make something. She's amazing and the person I made that Cthulhu Caketopper for. I just didn't anticipate planning and scripting a book trailer this month.

If I don't make it out of this month alive, with my dying breath I curse Zoidberg!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April Fool's Polish

I'm not one to play the April Fool's tricks on this Internet Christmas. In fact, I prefer to make the what if games every other day of the year and leave today for the amateurs. So, rather than try and trick you all I shall instead dredge up the nail polishes I created for nerds a few years back and offer them up for anyone else who may be lacking in a certain scruples.

If someone were to say, present one of these as real and available, I cannot be held accountable.

Doctor Who Nail Polish Theme:
Lord of the Rings
Star Trek:
Two Hellboys because sometimes you just need a giant red demon with a rock fist:
In the not to distant future, somewhere in polish and space:
Futurama - that's dolomite baby!
And I swear this last one was at my husband's urging:
Now I just have to kidnap a nail polish R&D scientist and make them real.

Or be able to create matter with my mind. Whichever is easiest on the universe.