Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Halloween Wars - The Finale

You've made it! Okay, so we're half crab creatures, we lost Dennis to the fudge pits, and Tabitha had to go and touch the forbidden gem of foreboding forbiddeness didn't she? But we're still here. And we all know that it's two people who survive through to the end of every horror movie, right?
Sod this! *shoves you into a vat of sugar acid and runs*


So here we are, the finale, the grand tuna, the one for all the markers.

And to celebrate this momentous occasion for our guest we brought in:
Yes, do it! Do it! Free us of this cupcake induced nightmare!
Damn it!

This week they actually brought in Jason from all those Jason vs The Harlem Globetrotters or Jason Goes to College movies. I used to hold Rob Zombie up as the best guest judge who has something useful to add to the discussion but Jason trounced him by miles. This guy should be your judge for all the competitions.

But to the small scare because something something, treat or trick give us eat to good. Our host kidnapped and threatened a small dog by destroying the poor things career.
My agent shall hear of this! You'll be shilling for Kibble Wars in under a month!

The addition of dog hair into the cake mix was all to illustrate a rehash of an earlier scare where the contestants were supposed to create evil stuffed animals (and gave us the delightful Winnie drowning in Poo). This year, make haunted pets. Unlike poor little Pomie there, who's working through therapy.

Team Slipping Something Under the Table gave us a rotting rabbit that was coming after his own chopped off feet.
Once again they employed the terrified slug monster idea, as our rabbit had one arm and maybe a foot. So it could sort of stagger in a circle as it went for your ankles, I guess.
 Harvey hit the meth hard.

Asian Kerry Vincent cheered for the team as if they were a toddler turning in a turd rolled in macaroni. She said that the yellow tinted head of the rabbit matched almost perfectly with the bleached teeth blue white of the body. And then the makeup judge broke free of her mind control spell and called her on the bullshit. Hell no it wasn't even close to the same color, anyone with eyes can tell that. Even Jason side eyed her and said it wasn't creepy in the least.

The Green Team (I didn't learn a single team name this year, so Spooky Spooks? Witchey Watches? Eh, something like that) created this:
 Wilbur and Babe were gonna go as Cerberus for Halloween but Arnold Ziff canceled at the last minute (ask your grandparents about that one).

Their sugar artist was so proud of his vomit and would not stop talking about it I would not be too surprised to find jars of the stuff scattered across his basement and artfully labeled.
 During the crafting of Bacon from Hell, one of the pig's heads took a tumble off the table. I can't count how often that happens to me. But amazingly, rather than have shit fits picked and tossed around, the pumpkin carver walked over and helped to finish up.

And I suspect that's been the Green Team's problem. They don't bicker, they don't throw sugar across the studio. If something isn't working properly they do that whole banding together and solving the problem. It doesn't make for gripping TV, but it does for amazing displays. Look at these pig faces!
Pork: The Other Demented Meat

I was actually cheering for the Crack Addicted Rabbit to win because the last two finales the team that lost the small scare went on to win overall and I was going to throw things at the TV, scream, and go full Carrie on the Food Network studio if it was awarded to the bribing team.

But even the judges couldn't pretend the two headed pig that needed some seven up and saltines wasn't TEH AWESOME so Green Team got awarded the right to kick cupcake judge in the knees as they walked past.
Has anyone seen my dignity?
The writers thought they'd be creative and cute for the last spine chiller/tingler/Vincent Price ripoff and let the two teams have free rein. They were supposed to create something that scared them, whatever it was, could be anything, but cupcake judge kept throwing around the word nightmare so of course both teams focused their creativity on that one word terrified to get the theme wrong.

Nightmare, sleeping, beds, I KNOW! BOGEYMAN!
Paula Deen in the makeup chair.

Team Pay Off imploded in on itself and seethed with rage as the Green Team yanked out the forklift to go for the pumpkin that housed an entire village of smurfs.
Then, their pumpkin carver thought it'd be fun to try some trash talking as he meticulously mutilated a giant pumpkin for really no good reason. Pst, trash talking only works when you're miles ahead of the competition not having just lost. Dumbass.

But to the pieces! Rabbit slug gave us this:
If you said Skeleton doing the splits behind a borrower's bed after they'd gnoshed on way too much giant tainted candy corn you'd be really wrong. Apparently.

This is supposed to be the sandman. I guess someone forgot to feed him or change his clothes after that unfortunate tasmanian devil chlamydia accident.
I also use ribbons to prop up my skull like a senior portrait now. Ribbons are cool.

The kid is supposed to be reaching across his bed for a dream catcher to ward off the Sandman. DREAM CATCHERS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!
I see less dream catcher (especially without the necessary hole in the middle) and more spirograph that rolled in feathers.
Wait, did you know that there's a direct correlation between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? Think about it.
I will.
No, you won't. 

I cannot explain the candy corn? Teeth? I guess they're teeth despite the Sandman being behind the boy in a very compromising position should any of his anthropomorphized personification bosses ever see any pictures of this. Dude, thing about where your crotch is for two seconds. You're supposed to scare, not traumatize.

Our favorite on the take judge raved about it as best she could, but even her ramblings couldn't convince the other two judges who asked important questions like "Why is the Sandman more emaciated than actual skeletons?" and "Who needs a pumpkin large enough to feed Hobbiton to create four teeth?" and "Seriously? This is the final piece in this competition? You're taking the piss aren't you?"

The Green Team gave us the bogeyman and proceeded to freak the fuck out of everyone.
 Do not look if you suffer from the condition of having a heart.
 Their bogeyman is the final stage of an absorbomorph, absorbotron.
The devil contracted this out for his next Gates of Hell renovation.

Look at these bugs. Seriously, this is sugar. Insanely creepy insect sugar.

I'd start to explain the story but I don't think it matters. This was so creepy the judges admitted they didn't even want to touch it. That's the gold star of Halloween work.
Ugh ugh ugh!
 MEAT! MEAT! I demand meat in my bloated face strewn belly!
You're never sleeping again are you?

The judges scurried off to vote, casting furtive glances to make certain Green Team's Bogeyman from beyond the blackhole of hell didn't move, before coming to a vote. They either bound and gagged the female judge or Jason actually got a say because shock of shock the winners were the Green Team.

Congratulations! You never have to be on Halloween Wars again!
And with that we come to the end of another year of Halloween wars. Once again, somehow Samhain survived despite Food Networks best attempts to dismantle her from the inside out.

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