Thursday, May 29, 2008

Will I be a Beautiful Bride?

I knew that you had to have your hair done for a wedding and have vague
knowledge about makeup, but I am finding this insidious push that if you don't do this and this and this you won't be a beautiful bride.

There have been a few recent articles about brides that plunk down thousands of dollars to get plastic surgery. Assuming that this isn't something they've been thinking about doing for years for personal reasons and it's just because they'll be a princess for a day so they should have a new nose is damn scary.

But even on the less extreme ends are some frightening trends. First off is teeth whitening, we've all seen the adds on TV of people with some nicely bleached teeth telling you unless your teeth are blinding pilots they aren't white enough. Luckily lots of vendors are happy to step in and help out.

Now that your teeth are as white as Snow White and 4 of the dwarves (They're well known for their dentistry) it's time to make you look as dark as possible to show off those chompers. Time for some tanning. If you are going to try and skip the UV from the sun or those tanning beds, there is a myriad of sunless options (and some videos on how to perfect it!). Some people will swear by a home lotion tanning process and will then swear at the smell of it. Others love going into a booth and either having a machine or a human spray paint you.

There is also the issue of hair. Some you want to get rid of (with waxes and threading all over your body) and some you want to add too with extensions and fake eyelashes. For the other extra chitin on your body (your nails) you're gonna for sure want to get yourself a mani and a pedi (possibly also a betti and a jetty). After all you'll have to have lots of pictures taken of that ring finger.

After all this beautification you can't forget the most important part, er um, oh right, your face! Just about every salon seems to offer a bridal package that includes a facial, a must have so you can get that glowing look. It isn't like just being excited about getting married is enough anymore.

What amazes me about all these things is how important they are stressed. So many women seem to worry themselves silly about how to get a not fake tan, or what to do if they get a pimple (I've just accepted the fact and am going to draw a smiley face on it). How come the groom can get away with getting up at noon, showering and getting dressed?

For me, I'm not going to stress on being a beautiful bride. I think instead I'll focus on being a happy bride.

I like shiny stuff

I am not an accessory kind of person. I like to joke with my guy how for a long time he wore more jewelry than me (him: watch, school ring; me: watch). While my engagement ring has tipped the scales it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. But come wedding talk and everyone seems to think I should be decorating myself up all fancy.

Earrings won't happen. I'd had my ears pierced twice in my lifetime and both times they closed up. I have since learned my body does not like holes in it, or I have a healing factor to rival deadpool. And clip ons have always been insanely painful to me. Really, who wants to spend hours getting pinched in their ears? It feels like I did something wrong but I can't figure out what.

So really my only option was a necklace. My mother was dead set on how I had to find something blue to match my ring, so began a long look for a blue brooch (at the time she wanted to replace one that was on my dress). After some hunting and pecking I was directed to and found the quite pretty cobalt blue glass piece pictured above (the silver chain I got from Target as everyone I know likes to use gold).

If you're like me and like to add a bit of color for your accessories then it seems DIY is a better approach than just purchasing a bridal set. Some have color but not as much (what is it with all the white, people?) There are a few sites out there to help in deciding what kind of bling you'd like to accentuate your perfect scrumdidilyumptios day. For the more traditional out there, there are the classic pearls. Apparently they can be traced back to those trendsetter english queens again.

If you can't tell by now, I know nothing about jewelry and I never will. This is mostly just me marking time. So I wish you all luck in figuring out your shiny stuff. Later I'll talk about something I understand even less: purses, tiaras, and gloves. Look forward to lots of ums and ahings.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I've been peeking

Ah registries, the best way to tell your guests what you really need (though the porcelain german shepherd is nice too) and also allows brides to know exactly what someone got them and when to expect it. There is almost an art form to peeking at your wedding registry. Some people talk about how it becomes an obsession, right up to the night before the wedding so they can see what they get to look forward to opening.

I am one of those people where I just ruin surprises (usually on accident), I'll be standing in the right place for no good reason when someone brings a present through the door, or outside the door when someone shouts out "Digital Camera" (true story very entertaining, got to the point I had to announce myself so my friends knew I was coming). But I never had this urge to snoop. Hard to explain, but while I like to come up with ideas in my mind of what could be happening (my pastime is Sherlock Holmesing what's gonna happen) I still won't actively look for it.

In comes the intoxicating territory of registry looking. I admit, I did look recently though I had a good reason. When my Future In laws were visiting a weekend back they said that we should pick out something we really wanted, we really needed a kick ass vacuum. Thanks to oodles of construction this place is a dust bowl and my cheap little vacuum had given its two weeks notice.

So we got a nice big one with lots of fire power (it isn't very cuddly though). After getting it out of the box and making head or tail of the special duster attachment I realized we had to take the other vacuum off our registry. Figuring we still had a month til the first shower there was no way anyone had even looked at the thing, I logged on and found that people had in fact already gone nuts and bought us stuff.

We get to look forward to some flatware (thank god, we really need it. Our dishwasher keeps eating forks), some serving bowls, a measuring cup, and the best thing ever a cheese slicer. Now we can have all the cheese we want in the house. Huzzah!

Anyone else becoming a registry peeker? Or become so addicted they can't be pulled away from the monitor with the keyboard stuck to her fingers?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

A dress for every season

I have discovered a dichotomy that I cannot make heads or tails of. The trend now is for brides to pick out a dress that their "maids" will wear again, yet if anyone wants to wear said dress that they paid for, had altered to their shape and really like before the wedding they are shot down, rolled up in a carpet, and booted out of town.

First off, I really don't think no matter how hip bridesmaid dresses claim to be that they'll ever really not look like one. Sure it helps that they've moved to tea and cocktail length (sounds like we're all gonna have to pee a lot during this thing) but there is just something about a dress you can only get at a bridal salon that screams wedding party.

My MOH and I looked for some bridesmaid dresses at David's Bridal (by that I mean I sat back and let her go wild, only she knows what looks good on her body so I wasn't gonna offer up any opinions). She managed to find the worst dress ever. It would make anyone above a model sample size look like they're as wide as a truck. We didn't take any pictures of her in it (she'd kill me if I had, it looked so bad I was laughing like crazy) but here's the picture on a slip of a model. In the end all of the dresses there just looked, well, really bad. Nothing looked cute or hip, just sort of dowdy and as though the wearer would rather be swallowed into the bowels of hell.

She lucked out as she found a gorgeous dress at a department store that was in the right color range of blue (I am not a painter, I do not have any swatches for what color everyone should be. I think limiting it to green and blue is enough of a challenge). I would say that if you really do want your girls to wear their dresses again go the department store route. I still feel bad for one who did get her dress at the bridal salon. She says she'd wear it again, and it does look good on her, but I'm still worried about people telling me things to make me happy for fear I'll start breathing fire.

If you are the type of bride who feels like they must stress over every last detail, here's a very thorough article on choosing a bridesmaid dress for all your girls whether they'd like it or not.
I don't get it, this whole matchy matchy thing. The idea that you get final veto for something you aren't paying for or wearing or will have to house in your closet for years to come. I'd much rather they all be comfortable in something they feel sexy in than something I thought would just look perfect on one body type (probably mine) and no one else can pull off.

As for the idea that if they do have a perfect dress that they love the style and color of, but they can't wear it before the wedding I got a few counter arguements. First the idea that you might spill some wine on it (not a major issue as I know neither of my friends drink wine) it's called a dry cleaner, if it rips you happen to know a good seamstress that just altered the dress for you. And as for the bride seeing you in the dress and getting angry I know my MOH is wearing hers for her sisters wedding, I'll be there pulling down guest book duty and I'm excited to see it on her.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

I swear we have money

Contrary to all those Oil of Olay commercials it really sucks when you look young. When I was 20 I looked like a teenager and people would watch me like a hawk if I went shopping anywhere without a gaggle of friends around me. Apparently I just scream shoplifter. (I am screwed too, as my mother can fool people into thinking she's just 20 if she's wearing sunglasses.)

Now that I'm almost 25 I can pull off college aged on a good day, but that means doing any wedding shopping is a pain in the ass as all those wonderful sales clerks on commission assume I have no money. I knew it'd be bad so I specifically took my mother with me when we went dress shopping so they wouldn't give us the shaft.

Well today I thought, hey before we head off to a family reunion (I really don't want to go) lets try and get some information on tuxes. A while ago my fiance decided that he wanted to wear a tux, and because his side would all be from Chicago we'd need to make sure we can send in the measurements or that they'd have a store there or something.

Plus he wants to wear green vests, and frankly all the ones I've seen looked like crap in pictures and we wanted to see them in real life.

So around noonish today we wandered into Men's Warehouse where we were greeted with a sign telling us to sign something if we wanted anything to do with a tux. Randomly a man came out and told us that all the tux guys were busy but it would just be 5 minutes so please fill out a super lengthy information sheet so we can stalk you later (I can see why they are affiliated with David's Bridal).

Well we didn't fall for that crap, we weren't going to buy anything that day and just had a few questions. It'd take a minute or two, tops. As we weren't in a big hurry we figured we'd sit down and wait.

Cue the hordes of masses coming and going to pick up tuxes, get fitted for tuxes, and plan their tuxes for weddings. Meanwhile we were completely ignored. After about the third round of this we got fed up and just left.

We stopped to get some paper towels (they have information on them like how to clean out a coffee pot, quite strange really) and heading back caught a smaller shop and stopped in. The women were quite nice, showed us where all their stores were located, gave us some price information, and also showed us the green vest options.

Thanks to my "wonderful" youthful looks I have been able to discern better who is actually nice and helpful and who is just in it for the paycheck. It's a crappy way to live, but I refuse to shop anywhere that treats me like crap just based on my looks.

Friday, May 23, 2008

A Quickie

Nothing too exciting, but I seem to suddenly be coming across a ton of articles on brides trying to lose weight. Especially with the release of the Wii-fit, something I am still torn about (you can't think of a better way to get women to play video games without trying losing weight with it, not to mention the fact they'll make your Mii based upon your BMI?)

Here's a good series of articles on just how prevalent it all really is.

All I can think after reading this is why isn't there pressure on the grooms (not that there should be)? How come the guys can just look like themselves when they get married but women can't? Something to think about if you feel you should take Alli just to lose those last 10 pounds for your wedding.

No mini-me's here

It never entered my mind that my flower girl (the short one aka the 5 year old not the 21 year old) would wear one of those poufy white dresses that cost as much as a grown up dress. She's a lot like her mother anyway, and there's a good chance that if she didn't like the dress she'd rip it off and run around naked.

Instead we went wandering around Target one day looking for a bridesmaid dress (more about that whole idea later) and came across a perfect dress. It's quite simple with pretty blue polka dots and a really pretty sheen that makes it look a like fancier than it is. Plus it only cost $17 instead of $100.

While I don't know if you'd ever really want to say register at Target, they do have some really nice and cheap options for a flower girls dress. One pink, two pink, yellow fish, green fish.

If you have your heart set on white for your little girl(s) there are some better options than an overpriced bridal salon. Communion dresses are a good way to go, especially if you have an older girl. But if it just must be a flower girls dress, there are a few cheap websites out there to help you out.

On the ring bearers side of things we also got some adorable options from department and retail stores. One is from a Shopko, which I am sure most of you have never heard of and sadly I don't have a picture or link to. Just picture a really cute little buisnessman suit with a blue shirt. The other ring bearer will be sporting a really cute green shirt, vest and pants combo. (He also just had to show me his outfit when I last visited). Easter is a great time to find really cheap and simple outfits for girls and boys.

As my MOH is finding out for her sister's wedding (the green ringbearer for me) if you are just going to have your bearers of rings not in a tux do not demand that she find a certain color of button up shirt. It is about impossible to find a red button up shirt for a 4 year old.

And for accessories, I'm still thinking I should give all the kids some rub on tattoos so they'll look super hot the day of the wedding.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Will you marry my wedding?

Really, you're supposed to put a ton of thought, tape, and cardboard stock in order to ask your friends to be a bridesmaid or your Maid/Matron of Honor? Man, no one tells me anything.

All I did was get really excited and the day after we got engaged call up my good friends and ask them. My MOH and flower girl were a no brainer. It'd be impossible to imagine anyone else helping me by making me go dress shopping, getting all excited and finding lots of stuff for me to look through, helping to make the biggest disaster since the Hindenburg, and also willing to just chill and forget about all the wedding crap for a while.

But apparently I really messed up and was supposed to spend a few days trying to think of something really cute and clever and different and alcoholic (okay forget the last one) to ask them.

Here's just a sample of the ideas out there
Some of these ideas seem almost more far fetched and plan intensive than some proposals (and I'm not the only one seeing that). When did it become such a big money maker to just ask your near and dear to stand up for you, wear a dress, sign a piece of paper, and get blind stinking drunk (I think this is the booze post)?

Perusing random wedding stuff catalogs you'll find lots of things you can buy just to give to someone in order to ask them. There's even a cookie. It's no wonder there are so many bridesmaid and brides getting frustrated. How can you say no to a cookie if you really don't want to stand up?

I say there is nothing wrong with just asking someone, maybe buying them one of those ice cream cups you got as a kid if you live in the same town, and then just chatting about how much wedding planning sucks.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


I hate shoes. I have always hated shoes (and no one should ever take me shoe shopping). If given the option I will go barefoot (and since my feet are rarely trapped inside a shoe they smell quite lovely). I love the houses where they encourage you to take your shoes off so you don't mess up the carpet. I don't really feel like I can relax if my shoes are on.

I can get so bad I'll walk to the mailbox barefoot in any weather (and yes I have done it with snow on the ground before). It's the whole having to trap my feet in between pieces of leather that just bothers me.

So somewhere along the line I realized that I had to come up with some kind of really nice and fancy shoe for the wedding. Awe crap. I hate dress shoes even more than tennies. It's like torture times 10. Plus I have no discerning taste for what is cute in a shoe and what isn't. All I know is the levels of entrapment. Sandals rates about a 3, while those evil grecian shoes about a 9.5.

After some looking around, keeping my eyes open, possibly having to face the idea of wearing heels (which would lead to much entertainment for the guests but a broken ankle for me) I lucked out and found some simple white sandals (from Target) that didn't have the flip flop toe killer in the middle.

The only drawback is that there really is no arch to these things. So after some thinking and squishing in the store I decided to get myself some gel inserts. They're so comfy and fun to stand on and while the blue will be poking out all over the place I've just decided that if anyone does see them then I can say hey it's more of my something blue.

Hurray, I don't have to think about shoes anymore. Well till my bridesmaids started asking me what shoes they should wear.

I don't get the point of the dyeable shoes that are supposed to match the dress color. Really, who would ever wear a plum shoe again? Since my girls are all wearing tea-length dresses they seem to think it's important but I just say let them wear something they already have in their closet. They won't have to buy anything new (and can save some money to spend on something more fun than shoes) and they'll already be broken in. I'm kinda hoping my MOH will show up in her crocs cause it'd be entertaining.

I guess shoes goes right up there on my list of things I don't care or know anything about so I'm gonna pass the buck.

Anyone else hate shoes as much as I do? Anyone got the cajones to actually go barefoot (which I thought about but realized that October cement is usually quite cold)?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I'll never be perfect

If there is one time that a woman will have the world on her back on having to look as gorgeous as possible it's on her wedding day. Even worse than a trip to a beach or the dreaded high school reunion, somehow society has decided that the one day that you must be a size 2 have full voluminous hair and perfect nails it's on that one day of your life. (And some brides apparently require their bridesmaids to all but kill themselves)

Yeah, right.

I'm fat, I've always been fat and I always will be fat. The older I've gotten the more I've come to terms with it and just because I am fat doesn't mean I am not healthy. I've always been more flexible than my thin counterparts and have insanely low blood pressure (some people think I might actually be a lizard), so none of that of you have an extra 10 pounds you have to lug around that makes you unhealthy just because you don't have a magical metabolism.

But it seems like the wedding industry is set up so that the worst thing you can be is fat on your wedding day. That you will look terrible in your pictures and just feel awful about it for the rest of your life. So you need to buy all of our nifty gadgets and spend a couple weeks in a bridal boot camp as well as refuse to eat anything but drink some water and have celery every other day.

It's insane and it really sucks. Companies saw how much pressure women were on already and decided to make them feel even worse. And it isn't just the "overweight" women who are getting this crap. Normal women, women who have the perfect BMI feel like because they are getting married they must lose 5-10 pounds just to look perfect on that day.

I say, no more. No more looking at professional models (who are paid to be a certain size) in wedding dresses. No more signing up for all those weight loss programs on ever wedding planning site. No more straining for that one perfect wedding dress size. It is after all just a number and no one will know it.

I am going to keep toning up and building some muscle but not for some mythical day. I want to be able to play tennis for hours when I can get someone willing to play with me and I'd rather enjoy the slow walks I get with my fiance than the all alone tortures of aerobics for hours a day. I am just fine the way I am. It might not be perfect, but then again who is?

Monday, May 19, 2008

I didn't kill anyone!

I am happy to say that the dress fitting thing went off without a hitch. I could actually fit into mine, it was the right color, and it was just as light and airy as I remembered. (My necklace however is too long and that's why I only have one hand in the picture)

My taller flower girl was there trying on her dress as well. I think it is super cool. It's got a really neat sheen to it, that reminds me of those car finishes that seem to have glitter trapped in them.

The surprising find of the day though was when my flower girl brought her future sister in law (and my magazine dumping ground) dress shopping and I was actually all excited about helping her find a dress.

I think a lot of it was the whole fact that it wasn't me having to squeeze into dress after dress, I didn't have to try to figure out if I could wear something for hours and hours, or if I could afford something for just one day.

Plus she just looked gorgeous in it. It was one of those, where she picked one at random off the rack and just tried it on and it fit like a glove. I'd love to show a picture and all but in the off chance her fiance is a major computer hacker and figures it out, here's a close idea. Hers was an indigo and it was a different designer but they're practically the same. (My tall flower girl also tried on a wedding dress that she'd had picked out for years, dress shopping is so much easier when you don't have to wear one).

And as she's looking into using silk flowers and loves blue I volunteered her all my flowers, so they might get a really good home too. Now I just have to think of some other stuff she could use . . . too bad the extra invitations aren't good for anything.

Is anyone else donating a lot of their stuff, be it information or various props and things to another friends wedding?

Friday, May 16, 2008

The Dress, part deux

I'm gonna admit a major secret right now.

Come closer, much closer.

My dress has been in for a good month but I still haven't gone to see it.

Whew, now I feel so much better for typing that out. I'd been wanting to wait for my other girls dress to come in so we could go together and provide back up if we should have to fend off any demented needle wielding seamstress.

I also need some back up in just going to see this thing. Somehow through the years the white dress has just come to symbolize THE WEDDING. Anymore if you just want to show a wedding no matter how weird the place (forest/mountain top/cow pie full field) just have some slip of a girl in a big poufy white dress. It seems like it just isn't a wedding without THE DRESS! (though personally if I could have swung it and wasn't possibly going to have to deal with the misguided view that white=virginal I probably would have gotten a deep blue dress. Long live blue!)

A fashion maven I am not. I don't really know what looks good on me, okay I do know nothing really looks good on me. I kinda freak out when I have to get dressed up and I look like none of the fabric is actually touching me. Kind of impressive to watch actually. It doesn't help that I am not hourglass shaped, I am not apple shaped, I am big fat ol' pear shaped. That's right I have hips and simple little B cup top.

I'd really like to have a talk with all those dress designers who seem to have it in their brains that all women are hourglass, hate to break it to you but we're not. There is nothing more evil than those dresses that are fitted for the hips (you know 90% of them) when your hips fall three inches too high and your waist is lost somewhere in the bust.

So I did try on my dress and all that (though I did order it a size bigger than what I tried on), I'm still a bit worried the new one won't fit either. It's kind of an inane worry. I've been trying to get into some sort of shape (it's showing as I can play the super evil Green Grass & High Tides on drums for Rock Band without passing out) but I still have an innate fear that I cannot fit into my dress.

There's just too much emphasis put on a dress that just used to be a girls finest but thanks to Queen Victoria now is expected to be not only white but insanely fancy and you're to spend bags on money on. Why must the wedding industry put so much emphasis on something just to drive you insane? I really think the used car industry could learn a thing or two from them.

Well here's hoping I don't turn into a blindly glibbing mess tomorrow as my good friend and I head off to the shop to try on our dresses. I know she'll look hot because she looks hot in anything. (It's quite amazing, we used to go around the mall looking for the ugliest outfits in the bargain bin and she could make it work). As for me, well I'll try to not look too much like pagliacci. Wish me lots of luck, and hope I don't flip out and take a ring bearers pillow hostage.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Can you build it?

Um, well we're gonna try anyway.

My MOH and I are nuts. There is just no denying that fact. For her wedding we decided to make all her mints using almond bark and adding food dye. Bad idea. Turns out that makes the melted almond bark turn all chunky so we had to add tons of oil to fix it.

Then there was the time we were making hobbit costumes and she thought that to make the feet we should just get some spray insulation foam, spray that onto our shoes and then shape it. In then end our hands were covered in sticky goo we couldn't get off and I had a big glob in my hair. (In the end we just stuffed and spray painted some toe socks)

Now we've decided to try and take on making my groom's cake (or his groom's cake, someones groom cake). My fiance has said that what he really wants is a Chicago style hot dog, what with him being from Chicago and loving food and all.

If you've never seen one they put everything short of mayo and sardines on these things. So we've sat down and tried to figure out all the stuff to make this hot dog work.
  • Hot dog - use red velvet cake and then try shaping with and covering with fondant
  • Bun - rice krispie treats (thank you Ace of Cakes)
  • Poppy seeds on the bun - chocolate chips
  • Onions - coconut (which I hate but he can't eat onions anymore so it might go on the side)
  • Tomatoes - chop up some cherries
  • Pickle Relish - a fruit salad with kiwi, apples, melons, and some green syrupy thing
  • Cucumber - cookie that we frost to look green
  • Pickle spear - possibly a banana we dye green
  • Hot peppers - no idea, maybe no one can have them
As you can see from that long list we are in way over our heads. I've baked some (banana bread is the best I can pull out and we all know how well that goes over) and my MOH has a cake decorating kit but I fear we're gonna be doing a lot of test bakes and eating a whole lot of cake.

Is anyone else plotting something equally insane for their wedding or are you smartly just trusting the professionals?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

R-E-C-Y-C-L-E, Recycle

As any good child of the 90's knows, we were all mercilessly taught the three R's of that little green triangle. I think I may have gotten that speech more often than the "never eat your Halloween candy before an adult checks it" and "if you touch it, it'll fall off." What a wonderland childhood was.

Well as the new it color is green, I figured there is probably something I should do with all those bridal magazines and planners that I have somehow acquired since getting engaged. From people giving them to me as presents, somehow getting on a mailing list and getting one free, and a small gnome that gives them out each time you pass the tree I have a pile that threatens to fall in on itself and create a black hole.

My first thought was to go back to my old Girl Scout days (where we didn't get to go camping, build fires, or learn how to build a hatchet) and make myself a magazine christmas tree. But halfway through of folding one up I realized that I am no longer allowed to play, I mean use, spray paint without adult supervision.

So I was quite excited and happy to find out that a friend of a friend had just gotten engaged and she'd love some planning info. I stopped stuffing the magazine pages into the walls for more insulation and loaded them all into a bag to give to my friend of a friend.

Hopefully she can find a good use for them (aside from looking at pictures of dresses that only a model could wear or afford, full coverage of "we could have gotten a house" weddings, and the one kinda helpful article in each one) as for me, I'm moving onto cutting up milk cartons and turning them into biospheres for some fish.

What all are you doing with all your planning stuff once you don't need it anymore?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

It's raining foliage!

If you have decided you want a flower girl, and your church will allow it, and it's the right time of year according to the gods of etiquette then at some point you have to decide what kind of flower petals (or leaves or snow or glitter) the cute little moppets are going to cover the church in.

For me, I got myself a free sample from Petal Garden, loved the blue and shamrock options, and got 100 of each. (I never thought of getting real as you can see I am deathly afraid of flowers) There were so many they barely fit into the cute Easter baskets we got for the girls to carry, and they look really cool. Some even have "flaws" to make them look more real.

For some really cheap ones to decorate all over an option is the much used Oriental Trading. There aren't even close to as many color options as others but if you just want white/red/pink you can't do much better.

If you want to go the freeze dried route (much better than regular petals as they won't stain), there are a few other options though they will cost you. (I wonder if you can get an assemble yourself flower petals where they just send you the rose and you pick them off?) Flyboy naturals has flower petals other than just roses (which is nice for those of us not that impressed with roses). Pick a petal doesn't have as many options but is a bit cheaper.

For those who just think rose petals are over done and boring there is the fall option of throwing leaves. And if you're getting married in June you could have your girls toss green leaves of grass clippings for that fresh grass smell.

And we can't forget those winter brides who want a winter wonderland but with central heating. Thanks to the power of science you can easily make some insta-snow without all that iced over freezer and a knife route.

Whatever you decide to have your girl(s) drop just make sure that she follows the exact calculations for the amount of coverage you laid out in a grid design. You may want to invest in some calculus lessons for her.

Monday, May 12, 2008


I'm beginning to suspect there is a super secret Future Mother In Law handbook in existence and once they find out their son is engaged it's mailed off to the new recruit.

I first began to suspect of such a thing when I realized that mine is stalling on getting me a guest list. For my mother I just randomly mentioned that we'd be wanting a number and in a week she mailed me a fun random doodling of names, addresses, and their favorite condiment. As for the other side, we had to drag a number out of her so we could order invitations. Still waiting on a list of names and address so we could send the invitations to someone instead of dumping them down the sewer (sadly we don't have enough passes for the sewer mutants).

This is one of the best ways to stall the wedding (assuming they aren't paying for anything anyway) without causing any major structural damage.

There must be a lot more to the FMIL Handbook on how to really stop a wedding you don't want to have to go to. These can include driving the bride nuts by constantly changing her mind, refusing to have anything to do with it, or saying she really wants to help and then when the bride does ask for help feign not hearing her.

I'm onto your secret MIL society. You might be more powerful than the freemasons, more reaching than the Templars, and more secret than the Justice League but I will find you and end your torture of brides and future brides everywhere.

Or just to help hold back the tide if you can't take down the MIL organization, you could always grease the wheels with a really nice gift.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Bridal Shows = Pure Evil!

My Dad (yes, my father) got it into his head that I just had to attend one of the local Bridal Shows. Something about how I could win free stuff, this without him taking into account I am anti-lucky. If anything lucky ever came into contact with me the world would explode.

But we had to humor him so me, my Mom, and my flower girl (who's 21) trekked off to one being held in town. (I told my fiancee there was no way he had to go, because I am not that mean regardless of what some e-mails may warn you about) It was easily the biggest waste of time and money I have ever walked through.

For $9 for all of us to get in, we had to wander amongst a handful of booths not a single one of which I was interested in. There was one for dresses (David's Bridal, natch) though I already had my dress, one for tuxes, about three for photographers, one for a DJ, one for a limo service, one for a huge pot and pan scam, and 10 that were there to make your life a living hell.

Of course every "booth" has a card you can fill out where you can register to win things. Yeah, right. I would say right now if you do have to go to one, invent a phone number and if you haven't already create an e-mail addy just for wedding stuff make one now. It makes life so much easier when dealing with SPAM. Even though I didn't go near a single insurance booth I have been plagued by them since I went and they will not relent (Here's another bride who had the same problems).

If you do get dragged to one and don't want to listen to their spiel I have some great tips. First off if they make you wear a bride sticker (my friend pretended she was a bride too to sign up for stuff, which entertained me the entire day) hide it under your jacket. It's still on your shirt, but people are a lot less likely to bother the crap out of you.

However, if they do start babbling to you, the trick is to not look at them. I have this amazing ability where if I don't want people to talk to me, I just look off and pretend like I'm not really there and neither are they. It keeps most solicitors far away and they move on to whoever is behind me. Sadly, anymore they seem to move onto my guy if I'm with him so we got to work on a signal (He's terrible at saying no.)

Hopefully with these tips you will be better prepared for the scam of a bridal show, where you learn nothing, win nothing, and just help pay all the vendors for some free advertising.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Planning two weddings

The deeper and deeper the Kraken of a wedding planning industry pulls me in the more I notice the cracks.

One of the big problems that even I, a very decisive (to a scary point) person, is fighting is the trend to go ahead and purchase something then while you wait and plan you suddenly decide that it isn't the perfect dress/colors/menu/flowers for your Big Day!

The worst offender seems to be the Dress! After all it isn't just a dress, it's THE DRESS! The dress you can only wear once (unless you want to recycle it), the dress everyone will see you in, the dress people will remember you in forever until you die!

I can't really blame people, when you are told to buy your dress a good 6 months before your wedding and along the way you get inundated with nothing but pictures of dresses. If you have already gotten your dress don't just avoid run, run away from any bridal magazines. There's maybe one good article in the end anyway and a good 90% is pictures of the "perfect gown."

It seems like a really insidious plan really, that way you have women buying two dresses and then they have to sell one off. (Here's one woman's plight to try to change her dress) You just have to peruse eBay to find tons of people selling wedding gowns and it seems like a lot of it isn't from a canceled wedding.

Though the dress isn't the only option, people seem prone to changing the decor, the location, the invitations, and sometimes even the colors long after things have been purchased and are currently gathering dust.

I say, no more! No more worrying that you don't have the right centerpiece for Your Perfect Day! No more fretting that people will scoff at you for not getting a horse and carriage! No more having people make you think this is the last day of your life! (Personally I am hoping the Best Day of My Life involves less satin and lace and more sun, water, and dogs.)

For me, anytime a little worry enters into my brain that maybe I did go too cheap for our RSVP's, or that our Halloween reception is just dumb I remind myself that in the end none of it really matters anyway.

That and I am having enough troubles planning one wedding, I refuse to plan two.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Who's your favorite muppet?

It was a long and unexpected kinda weekend. My Dad was having his 50th birthday party and as my MOH lives near him I thought I'd drop by and hang out with her for a few hours before going to the party. (Her son is adorable, and after watching him I think I need to have a challenge where people eat an ice cream cone without their hands).

We figured we'd just head back home after the party (a nice two hour drive) but alas God was against that idea. About 30 miles out of town we had a tire blow. It was the first for either of us but there really weren't any screaming matches, no one freaked out, and in the end we got it all fixed up and left on Sunday.

It did get me thinking about all those marriage questionnaires they make out there for people to take. The Catholic one, FOCCUS, is well known and feared. If not only for the fact that a priest could call off your marriage if you fail but also for the length. I hear they recommend an 18 month engagement just so you have time to finish it.

Though if anyone has to go in for some pre-marriage counseling there is a damn good chance you will have to pull out your number two pencil, answer random questions about your life, your likes, and what's your ideal birthday party (really). I remember taking those tests as a kid and as you get older you realize that there is no one right answer.

For example, Who drives the car?
  • You
  • Him
  • Well it depends on if we're going somewhere we've always been or if it's somewhere new
Somehow I doubt that last one is in there. No questionnaire should really determine if someone should get married or not. (Or you could just take a quick quiz to see how long you should wait to have kids in case it all falls apart.) I'm sorry, but a piece of paper with a few random bubbles filled in (and a doodle of a tree, I take tests fast and then get bored) has no idea how we spend our nights, if we fight like cats and then make up as such, or if neither of us is really romantic and would rather both get vacuums for presents.

There's nothing wrong with some counseling before (especially as we have no idea what to do with planning the ceremony and really need some help there) but having the pastor/priest/minister/hobo on the street rely on a test where if you really want to you can cheat using the cap method makes no sense.

No one is the same, and some of us really couldn't give a crap what kind of birthday party we have (or if the pinata matches the petting zoo).

Friday, May 2, 2008

Bridesmaid Bootcamp!

I have created a wonderful program to whip your girls into shape and get them ready for the best day of your life!

Welcome to Bridesmaid BootCamp!

The first week is spent getting them into the right mind set. We limit their food to just mind numbing gruel and water. This will bend their minds so that no matter how ugly of a dress you choose for them, they'll gladly pony up $300 and even think that it makes them look gorgeous. (For an extra day we can also convince them that those 4 inch stilettos with the huge bows and rhinestones they have to pay for are a dream come true.)

But you don't just want your girls to stand up there, looking like fashion gone mad with a chainsaw, you also need them to donate weeks of their lives to helping you pull off the "Day to End all Days!"

Every bridesmaid must be efficient at filling out, addressing, and mailing your invitations. For 12 hours we'll set them up in an empty room with just a table, a chair, water, and your pile of invitations that absolutely have to go out in a day. For some extra money we'll also include our etiquette expert Rosco, to make sure that everything is spelled correctly and addressed just so.

For those brides trying to save some money, everyone needs some help with making favors/flowers/centerpieces and we can help there too. Most brides want to be there to make sure their girls are doing everything just right and perfect and we have a perfect solution. With a two-way mirror you can make sure that every ribbon is tied correctly and every flower petal is in the right place thanks to a horrible screech button. Every time a girl messes up just press the button and they will have a screech sound played over the loud speakers until they fix their mistake.

After all this work we know you feel like your girls deserve some thanks (even if we all know you deserved it for being THE BRIDE!) so this program also comes with their own thank you gifts - A coupon book for their city (highlights a $10 oil change), a pen with a flower on it (attached with scotch tape), some earrings just for that big day (will self destruct after 24 hours), and a thank you card that's had your name printed onto it.

Together, Bridesmaid BootCamp and you calling up your girls 12 hours a day we can give you the Perfect Day of Your Life.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Give me one of those

It's been beautiful out here for the past few days so on top of me wanting to spend every available second outside before it starts to overheat and boil ants alive on the sidewalk, a job interview, and my guy getting a nasty cold, wedding stuff has been the furthest from my mind until I saw someones trying to spread a nice rumor about Bed Bath and Beyond going bankrupt.

First off, it's not real, it's a big fat lie.

Second off, doesn't it just suck that there are so many pitfalls with wedding stuff. I thought registries were invented to make it all easier for everyone?

Like everyone else we thought first oh we'll just do Target and then maybe somewhere else a bit nicer to humour the fancier side of the family (not mine at all). Then after going through and a few days of debating the quality of towels, how well a knife would hold up, and if we really could wait for someone to get us Lego Indiana Jones or if we'll get it long before October, I hunt around and find out about the horrors of the Return Policy at Target.

Some of it seems to depend on the Target you go to. My friends all claim to have had no problems, but as the economy gets worse I am begging to wonder if they'll make it common at all stores to exchange returned merchandise with game store tokens (You can get a free 50 games of Pac-Man!).

We debated a bit back and forth, should we dump Target and put it all onto Bed, Bath and Beyond though there is one no where near my family, take our chances on Target, or try a new one at J.C. Penny. In the end we did a bit of all three.

I have heard through the grape vine that Bed, Bath & Beyond (though between my fiance and I we now call Best Buy, I easily get BB names messed up) has the best return policy, and with J.C. Penny you get a really nice organizational book (including some stuff to scrapbook with), it really comes down to what is best for you and what you'd want.

In the end we kept most of the stuff at Target, moved the things like appliances we really only want one of to BBB, and um gave up on J.C. Penny's after looking at the prices (we did try Sears but when the entire computer system was down and no one cared we gave up).

If we get a lot of doubles I suppose there's still eBay. Anyone need 10 bread makers?