Thursday, December 30, 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Introverted Style

Twas the night before Christmas, fire on the yule log
Not a creature was stirring, except for the dog.
The stockings were left by the chimney alone,
In hopes that a mouse would not call them home.

The tv was cooling its power just undone,
From visions of alien ufo's and other reruns.
And me in my toe socks, covered in little sheep,
Gave up and decided to head to sleep

When out on the road there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tripped over the dog and gave my leg a gash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
I limped to the window and what did I see,
A strange old man with a sack full of trees.

He looked out of his mind and covered in puke
I knew in a moment it must be some kook
Out of his mind his belches rattled his frame,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called out by name!

"Now Thrasher! now, Lancer! now, Rankor and Licksen!
On, Vomit! On, Stupid! on, on Dumbass and Nixon!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As drunks who have focus a ladder he raised,

His hair was matted and his eyes were crazed.
So up to the house-top the coursers they climbed,
I'd say something here but nothing rhymed.

And then, in a thud, I heard on the roof
At the man tripping, my dog gave a woof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the transient came with a bound.

He was dressed all in spandex, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of cans he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his breath like a brewery!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard full of food was best to forgo.

The stump of a bottle he held tight in his teeth,
As most of the booze dribbled out beneath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he stumbled, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right frightening old elf,
And I screamed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And swiped all the liquor, what a big jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He slipped off the roof, to his friends gave a whistle,
And away he flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, we're gettin' hammered tonight!"

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Cooking Show - Cranberries

When the mood strikes I'll pull out my whisk, a few bowls, my laptop and live tweet a recipe or two. This was provided a bit of entertainment for those online as I never have anything work out right and tend to set things on fire.

As my husband and I have decided to plan and create both Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner on our own I thought I'd try kicking it up a notch and film scenes of me creating all the holiday bits.

Here is the first dedicated to that necessary and far easiest side dish - the cranberry (with a special guest star Essie):

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Santa Paws

In an attempt to outsmart fate who has decided to ruin every single holiday since last christmas when we were stranded for 5 days with two feet of snow on baby Jesus birthday-eve this year my husband and I decided to head to my parents a week early and get it all done and over with.

Because of that it feels to us as though Christmas is done and over with and all ready to be packed away for the next year (it certainly didn't help that when we were out shopping last night we honest to god saw Valentine's Day candy out!). I think I forgot to reset my time traveling calendar and it jumped a week ahead again.

This year for some reason my parents got/had to play as Santa and Mrs Claus (who we really should come up with a first name for, hell all the damn reindeer get a name but not his wife?) for Sears. Which meant we had an in for Essie to pose with Santa.

At first she wasn't so sure of that idea:
Then she got on Santa's lap and told him all the things she wanted for Christmas:
And gave him a kiss before leaving:
Oh and she got to play really hard with her brothers for a few days:
And once we got her back home she got to play with her new toy, the potato (which lasted all of 5 minutes)
Merry Christmas, or belated Merry Christmas or early Merry Christmas, eh screw this.
Seasons Greetings!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Canvas Gigantis v 2.0

It's done! (Clicking on it should show the larger image).

I also got my hands on some animation software. There's a bit of a learning curve so I haven't made anything too amazing but here are three fun videos:

Hopefully, in a years time, I'll have something really great to project out of our window for Christmas.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Novel Preview

When I'm not working on Canvas Gigantis v 2.0 or making Christmas cookies, or humoring the dog, or plotting #TwitterSecretSanta or humoring the dog I am trying to edit down that thing I created in November into some sort of shape other than massive text blob.

I've gotten a few chapters in so I thought I'd share with you the first two chapters to The Ogre, The Witch and The Moron (yeah I finally picked a title). Enjoy

Monday, December 13, 2010

Canvas Gigantis v1.0

Or Why You Should Read Your Commission E-mails Twice!

A few weeks ago (around Thanksgiving) I get a convo (that's Etsy speak for e-mail, I have no idea why I didn't just say e-mail. It would have cut down on my typing. Oh well, too late now) asking me if I can remake one of my trees a bit bigger.

I respond back, sure, no problem. How big do you want?

Oh just 2' X 4'.

Come again. You want it HOW BIG?

Thus came into my life Cavnas Gigantis as it became affectionately known. The problem with trying to work on something the size of a small child became rather evident after the canvas arrived on my doorstep.

There was no way it'd fit on my small card table I use for everything else so for the next week I banished myself down into the basement bathroom where it wouldn't be so bad if I get a little bit of paint on the walls or floor and got to work.

For about 4 days every morning I'd spend 1-2 hours locked in that green forest working away on this giant piece of canvas to get a forest out. It was a bit interesting but a fun challenge as I got to play with larger brushes and make a tree that actually looked almost life size (for a sapling).

Excited I sent off a picture of the final product to the commissioner (who is not named Gordon I am sad to say):
I'm smiling to myself happy to have gotten something to large done when I get a convo back "I love it, but is it the picture that makes it look like that."

Uh-oh. My heart sinks as I say No, it looks like that because it's 4' tall.

I'm guessing you all know where this is going. Yep, I done screwed up. She wanted it 2' Tall and 4' long which means a new canvas for me and a painting on super sale for you.

I listed my Canvas Gigantis up for sale here at about $50 less than I was asking for because well now I have this giant thing taking up space in my house (it's actually covering two other paintings in the hallway because it won't fit anywhere else).

It still kills me just how big this thing is, it barely fit in the backseat of the car. Now I know my limits until I get myself a painting truck.

Just to show here's Essie standing next to Canvas Gigantis:

And now that the weather has turned exceptionally cold in preparation of destroying Christmas I am back down in the basement hammering away at Canvas Gigantis v2.0

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


On Sunday at 8:38 PM after 24 days of almost daily writing I crossed the 76,000 word finish line and finished my first novel (well the draft - let the editing begin)!

I'd been fighting a rash of writer's block around 6 or so, sitting on the cusp of finality but finding only blocked brain cells in the way. It looked something like this:
But I soldiered on starting and deleting a sentence five times before one stuck which built into another and another when suddenly I look up a couple hours have passed and I'm putting in my last period.

Everyone asked how I was going to celebrate finishing my 50,000 words and the truth is I did it much the same way I did actually finishing the first draft itself - with shiny new avatars:

The sad fact is that like most of my creations there never is a definitive finishing point, there's always editing then getting it into some sort of publishable form (and finding someone to publish it if I hadn't decided to go the self route). It's much the same with paintings, well here it is done, but I still need to photograph it, list it and then get someone to buy it. By the time it's out the door most of the thrill is gone.

I seem to parcel out celebrating so that there never is one giant WHOOP only small ones spread out over the months and year. And yes, I am thinking far too much about how I celebrate when I have a book, something I never thought I'd attempt, sitting on my hard drive.

And if you're wondering why I'm only blogging about the accomplishment now I have a gigantic painting sitting down in my basement that's been eating up my time.

Meet Canvas Gigantis:

She's 4 feet tall and 2 foot wide! Never before seen out of the wild!

I have no idea what I'll do to celebrate finishing my largest painting, maybe something avatar related.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Secrets to a Happy Marriage ;)

The holiday season brings upon us many familiar and beloved rituals and perhaps the most ancient is the gathering around a picked clean carcass to gossip about your relatives. For my albeit brief stint in the gossip mills the cornerstone word this year seems to be the dreaded D.

That would be Divorce, for those of you expecting a raging case of Diphtheria from Aunt Belle's homemade greek gogurt.

And since nothing brings together the busy bodies like something that's failed (you should watch them when a souffle's in the oven playing their own version of the Penis game) I thought that I with my many many whole two years and some change of experience should offer marital advice to keep the busy bodies in place.
  1. Don't go to bed covered in ants - Frankly it's common sense if you find an ant hill has moved onto your bed to change the sheets and pull out the hoover and don't let it wait til morning.

  2. Compromise - it's a filthy one, two, five, uh polyletter word. Everyone knows that at the first sign of weakness shown to your spouse you have guaranteed eternal sink unclogging and gutter cleaning until one of you is struck by lightening. Instead I choose to make everything into a battle, much like a dog would for a scrap of meat I challenge my husband by rearing up on my hind legs and crouching low. He then picks up whatever is the source of contention and shakes it wildly. After that a large battle commences leaving us both battered, bruised until one is declared the winner.

  3. Find new hobbies together - I suggest something that only your spouse can do with you so start to invent wild and dangerous ideas like Giant Squid fishing or avalanche surfing. That way you're certain they'll stay with you til the cold clammy hands of death (which if you take up rocket skateboarding will be a lot sooner than later) because no one else in their right mind would.

  4. Fight Naked - It's how the ancient greeks did it and nothing bad ever happened to them.

  5. Have a date night - if you can't afford it a prune night is okay too but make sure you have two bathrooms in the house.

  6. Never, ever mention the D word - Instead come up with an outlandish series of euphemisms so that when you're really mad you swear you're going to "Run away with your barista and get a pickle hat!"

  7. Never ever give them privacy - The best way to make sure your spouse never cheats on you is to never give them the option. Hack into all their e-mail, facebook, twitter, LinkedIn, eHarmony accounts at least once a week. If you can afford it getting a good PI to trail them really helps too. You can make it a ritual each Prune night to share what you learned in your report about the others activities.
And that is my 7 highly unhelpful suggestions for how to stay married until the water heater goes up like a rocket.

Happy Holidays!