Normally, this time of year I'd post a picture and rundown of what has become one of my greatest failures at life: frosting a birthday cake.
But something happened this year, something I cannot explain even under threat of "How many lights are there?"
I made a decent looking cake.
Believe me, I'm more shocked than you. This has never happened when I've tried, when I haven't tried, when I've dropped the cake side first into frosting and smeared it with a fork (By the by, if you want a bloody looking cake, try to frost Red Velvet with a butterknife. Massacre cake!)
Here is my husband's birthday cake.
What's with the crystals speckled throughout like fly poop? Run with what you have, also crystal fly poop is gonna be huge!
And the spiderwebs...I dumped some black frosting into a bag, snipped the end, and had it dribble in a line. After that there was only one way to go: massive spider invasion.
Apparently I cannot use fancy piping tips, but give me a ziploc bag and I'll pipe out a decent spiderweb.
But I see no reason to ruin the tradition, here are the past birthday cakes that cause the birth gods to weep in shame.
Today my husband adds another notch on that old belt of life. Which means I once again must don the mantle of butcher, baker and candlestick maker.
After the balors, vampires, and mind flayers have been butchered it's baking time.
If you missed the cakes of yester-year here's a quick reminder of why I will never replace Martha Stewart or anyone who's ever properly held a piping bag.
This madness, this odd tradition of my wallowing in incompetence began years ago with this cake:
This is such a bad cake it was put on the no fly list - twice.
The next year, despite all common sense I actually tried with piping bags and everything:
Then I went avant garde, post-modern, and other fancy sounding terms that means I meant for it to look like that and you can't prove I didn't.
One year I went ambitious on the cake aspect and less so on the covering in frosting approximating something like decorations.
I broke from the typical banana cake mold (which I'd only spice up on occasion) to make one of Celebration Generation's Banana's Foster cake. I did a few things differently.
1. I added a banana back to the batter along with a bit of creme de banana for that super yellow fruit kick.
2. I completely forgot to add the pudding until I had the batter sitting in the pans waiting for the oven. This then lead to a lot of cursing, repouring into the bowl, remixing, repouring into the pans and a good 10 minutes into baking when I remembered "Oh shit, I didn't re-grease the pans."
So, naturally, the cake was less than forgiving about exiting from said pans and while one layer only had a crack here and there the other was condemned after an 8.9 earthquake crumbled its foundation.
The sides held in tact only through willpower and a heavy dose of duct tape while the middle bottomed out. Once it finished cooling over night I, with the help of an excavation team, moved that crumbling mess to the cake stand and swore it would never move again.
Then came the filling, that was done mostly the same, but due to structural problems (as in there was none) I didn't torte anything in favor of digging a bit into the cake and then dumping in all of the banana and brown sugar into the middle and sealing its banana tomb with the second cake.
Frosting, oh yes frosting. This was luckily my second attempt at making my own buttercream frosting, and despite the fact I own neither double boiler or stand mixer I manage to make some nice tasting spackle. Is it supposed to be that consistency? I have no idea but its edible and it clings to things, it's doing far better than most previous attempts.
Here she is, my husband's Birthday Banana's Foster Cake:
Here are the guts of the cake, you'll note the single banana layer tucked away waiting patiently for the signal to kill.
Last year I went my version of old school, simple banana cake which I added some nutmeg, cinnamon and a whole lot of rum to.
And for the frosting even lazier, a cream cheese to which I poured in a capfull of banana liquor and then accidentally dumped a good ounce worth of rum.
But you're here for the picture.
........Look over there!
I also didn't cover the sides because I ran out of frosting. I could have made more frosting but then it wouldn't look like a dirt clod half dug out of the grass. You know, a traditional birthday cake.
So to 2014's big banana birthday cake I decided to go old school and once again try my attempts at creating something with a theme and all.
If you thought through that whole tutorial that my largest problem is that I never tried and surely over the years I had to get better, your undiluted optimism makes me smile and shake my head sadly.
What I tried to do was create an RPG map with the green being a graveyard, the lump of frosting being mountains, and behind is some yellow sugar to mimic the desert. Because there's always a desert. (The candles are supposed to be quest markers)
So, as you can see, even when I try and have a theme and get fancy sprinkles, it still approaches an abomination that must be sliced up and consumed lest its evil infest the entire world!