Wednesday, February 24, 2016

WB, DC - we need to talk

Guys, I'm starting to think you're not well.

When Deadpool proceeded to do what anyone with a pulse suspected it would, we all joked that "Oh ho ho, DC's gonna try and make everything all dick jokes and gore to get that now coveted R-rating. Ha ha. I bet they're slapping in some CGI shots of the bat-peen just to get there right now."

See, that's what we call hyperbole. A joke. Oh right, you're the serious company. I should explain what a joke is. It's something funny that doesn't involve brooding and standing in the corner talking about your dead parents or how you're Jesus. Laughter often follows. Deadpool, on top of the violence, cursing ,and sex employed many of them to varying degrees of success, but they were crammed into all ninety minutes. You're not Deadpool. You can't all be Deadpool.

So, why in wide world of sports do you think releasing an R-rated cut of Batman vs Superman (hereafter referred to as Bats Vs Soup) is a wise idea? I get it, I do, you want to be seen as an adult. You've screamed as much while stomping your feet for just about every interview since word of Bats vs Soup released 5,000 years ago. After Marvel stole all your thunder and invented this Shared Universe that you were totally going to do once you got all your shit in line, you've been drifting.

Rather than go back to your roots of superpowered gods that relies on the old mythical fantasy of ideals and morals, you decided that you needed to reinvent yourselves (we're not calling it a reboot this time because we think comic book fans are like toddlers. If we call broccoli cupcakes you'll totally eat it). Marvel is now that old fashioned comic book company full of overpowered girls that talk to squirrels and out of date muslim teenagers who can stretch her limbs to take selfies. But not you, DC. You're the adult one. You're the one with your finger on the pulse of the nation.

And what you got out of Deadpool shattering box offices was that those adults you cater to are dumber than a bag of hammers. They don't really care about something well crafted that hews close to the source material and is teeming with love. Nope, all they give a shit about is that now magical R rating you used to run and hide from.

Libertarian Superman who was raised by Pa Kent to only look out for number one and fuck the rest is so much edgier when he lets off a few "motherfuckers" during his climactic scene where he fights a Ninja Turtle off (I am being told that is Doomsday, but I think the voice in my ear is full of shit). And our archetype who began all these clones, the Nolan Batman, is a totally relatable character when he uses his guns (?!) to viscerally shoot a man's skull in half. That's what the adults really want to see, Batman blowing people away. But no jokes though, this is still the serious company.

I'm sure Bats vs Soup won't fail fail, it can't. You've put the GDP of a small European country into marketing this damn thing. I'm half expecting you hired people to go door to door asking why people haven't seen the damn thing yet and offer to drive you to the theaters. But this blatant and sad dip into the R-rating for no other reason than "We're the adult ones, damn it! ME! ME! ME!" has me a bit worried for you.

There's another recent development that has come to my attention. Wonder Woman. I shall refrain from sharing my opinion of Gal Godot because that would require another 2K words and an excessive use of r-rated language. No, what I'm here to talk about is Etta Candy.

I am no Wonder Woman fan but even I knew about Etta Candy, the plus sized best friend of Diana from way back when who smashed skulls and loved sweets.

As you can see, she isn't model plus size. She's voluptuous, she has real rolls, Ruben would weep for joy if he could paint her.

And who does the pro-women empowering™ strong female character cliche movie get to play as Etta Candy?

A skinny woman in a fat suit. I am not even fucking kidding.

They hired Lucy Davis best known as the not Pam on the not US Office, and then they stuck her in a fat suit THAT'S STILL SMALLER THAN THE CHARACTER IN A COMIC BOOK!

Are you fucking kidding me?! (Oh no, my blog post just slipped into the r-rating. Here on out it's nothing but dick jokes).

You have the one, the ONE not size 2 female character in comic books. You didn't give in to the idiotic New 52 reboot of making every fat woman skinny (poor Amanda Waller), but rather than just cast a woman of the same size as Etta you *grabs DC's collar* PUT HER IN A MOTHERFUCKING FAT SUIT!

That shit was old fashioned as hell with Shallow Hall, a movie first no one should see and second released in fucking god damn two thousand and motherfucking one! You arseholes!

I cannot wait for when the actors all start running the interview circuit and Lucy Davis talks about how BRAVE she was for wearing a fat suit on camera. How DARING it was for her to appear not as skinny as humanly possible for a few minutes in a movie. Truly, give this woman a medal for dressing up like a large woman for a few hours. She deserves all the accolades. Bravo! Bravissimo!

Fat women aren't people, they're something to overcome. Something actors suffer through for the art.

Wonder Woman is a totally empowering movie for women...assuming you're not fat, don't have any visible muscle mass, or are not any color other than lily white. Girl power!

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