Joe vs the Dog Vomit

A Study comparing the affects of Resolves, Woolite and a carpet cleaner on the vomiting abilities of one dog.

Or how I learned to stop worrying about carpet stains and go back to sleep.

For the past two years we have owned one 50 lb test subject that enjoys gobbling up anything not locked down tighter than fort knox and extruding it come the early morn if it did not pass the digestible test.

What passed next was a scramble to find the best dog vomit battler so the carpet does not remain a sickly yellow color from her overtly friendly bile.

Methods & Materials:

One Can of Woolite Heavy Traffic

One Bottle of Resolve

One Bissell Upright Carpet Cleaner

One Dog Who Refuses to Stay Out Of The Garden

Results:

After the weather started to become the perfect Essie temperature be it warming up from a toe cracking winter or cooling down from a sun stroking summer my dog finds herself spending hours outside rolling round in the grass, eating sticks, and filling her stomach with the perfect vomit material.

When she was much younger we put our trust in Resolve:

It worked okay for those puppy expanding bladder accidents but was absolute bollocks at anything bile related. I may as well have just dumped a bit of vinegar on the carpet and gone back to bed for the nothing it did.

There should be epic poems devoted to the ineffectiveness of resolve to remove a thing off my carpet.

The Upright Carpet Cleaner:

You can pry this from my cold, dead hands when it comes to cleaning up mud and grime stains from the day to day wear of owning a dog, but how would it handle the 2 AM *hork hork hork splat?*

Turns out the answer is okay. The biggest problem is the thing takes forever to go from cold storage to running. You have to fill the basin with hot water, then let it run for a minute to heat the unit up. Then one you are done you have to dump the dirty water, wind the chord up and store it back away. And who wants to mess with all that when a cooling bed is calling to you?

So that brings us to the last (and most likely solution) to our dog stomach contents problem the woolite:

If you've never felt a strange need to grab a can off of the shelves and play with it a steady foam comes out. In theory it's supposed to spray a nice fan of foam but it drizzles out more like clumps of whipped cream (Do not taste the woolite, thank you).

The downside to Woolite is that it needs good old fashioned hand and knee scrubbing. Which again, no one really wants to do when they're not entirely certain where they are or what year it is.

They sell carpet stick things that look like a broom with a spray paint can attached but I've had almost no luck with those. Shit shoots everywhere, the bristle part doesn't really dig it in much and you just wind up with slightly whiter dirt in the carpet (this is where I clutch my Bissell protectively and glare at strangers).

But I found something perfect for the inevitable bile plunge onto the surprisingly easy to stain carpet:

Okay that isn't exactly ours, it's more of a spot thing with a few different heads but apparently they don't sell it anymore. But this is the same basic idea, spray down the woolite then scrub scrub and in a minute you're back in bed grumbling about locking the garden from the dog.

Conclusions:
WHY IN THE HELL DOES A DOG ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO EAT CRAP AND THEN PUKE IT BACK UP AT 2 IN THE MORNING?!

No words

- Made on a Macbook, daughter to first generation iMac. There's an iPod shuffle in there somewhere too.

Everyone's a Critic

I noticed that our free range rose bush was blooming yesterday. It's a bit like hydrangeas and only blooms twice a year, midsummer and early fall. I have no idea what it is, where it came from or how it keeps surviving when all we do is mow around it.

But still she pops up every year with a couple of buds that smell delightfully rosy and then dips back down into a long slumber:

But while I was lining up the shot, trying a few angles, getting attacked by space bees an unholy racket like one dropping a bunch of marbles on top of a flock of seagulls that owned mopeds.

At first I was polite, trying to ignore it in the hopes the noise maker would wander off but still the teeth rattling reverberations continued.

The space bees handled I turned back to the flower only to have the garrulous fiend appear even closer but still hidden safely in the depths of the dark branches above. Isn't that the way of all critics though? Hide away while dishing out vitriol as anonymity emboldens even the weakest of spirits.

I; however, was having none of it. Swinging my camera around I snapped a picture of my little furry menace.

Which promptly sent him scurrying back into the depths of the tree.

Finally I was free to get a rose picture in peace and quiet. I also learned something that day, much like my dog squirrels can make the most unholy noise imaginable with their mouths full.

Also squirrels prefer peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with their crusts cut off.

Gettin' My Spook On

It begins as a notion nibbling in the back of my mind about mid-March.

By early summer the house is full of styrofoam, pvc pipe, all manner of paints and sand paper scattered like dead leaves across the floor.

Come September the mantle and Halloween town appear.

But still it waits, quietly grinning wildly to itself until the Odometer of the year rolls over and the witching month is here.

It's time to decorate where people, normal people, can see it! I started with our newest addition, another gargoyle once again from Target. My husband has a slight addiction - to the point where at least five guard our kitchen from evil spirits - and despite being a horrible place for any kind of decorations outside of party for some reason Target always has a new gargoyle each year.

Last year was a bit sparse on the getting shit super clearanced but we did score this little skeleton lights:

I have no idea why all of their heads are turned at a 45 degree angle. Maybe they're part of an undead chorus routine.

 The eyes look extra creepy when lit up.

The first year in the house these string of bats were the only thing that belied any of our Halloween craziness right up until the 30th.

The mister wasn't in the mood to work at first so I let it run, sputtering and rooster tailing water all over the top of the stairs but she'd finally worked through her issues and was kicking out some nice watery smoke for the Skeleton coffin.

The skelespider hangs off the ceiling watching TV. Just don't change the channel, for the love of god never change the channel.

This is actually the only bit of blood that shows up in the house. I'm a sucker for these hand prints, they have such a nice ruby glow through them and with the help of cling wrap can last a few years.

I have got these bat window clings all over the house. The moon and a few bats are in the painting room window with the skeleton. A few are on the kitchen window and the bathroom and the rest here on the door.

It's a bit odd but Martha Stewart does Halloween generally right.

The wine rack, all three bottles are from Yankee Candle one of our go to sources of gothic stuff. You can also see the chemistry drink set in the background.

My fireplace, that was born out of the first Halloween class when I was bored and had an extra set of legs and black paint. All I'm saying is anyone can do this, just take a paper towel and rub paint in weird streaks over the legs. Tada, torched legs for the fireplace.

But I don't think you want to make your own fairies unless you're as insane as I am.

Even though we don't drink coffee the sugar and creamer set comes out every Halloween.

We actually bought it and quite a few other props on our honeymoon.

And that's just a small piece of what's to come. You've been warned.

Halloween Goodies

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With the blood all congealing

And everyone trying to give you a fear

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

After grueling through 11 long months full of storms, destruction, Snookis and the inevitable decay of everything we once held dear October is finally here. With her lovely apples, pumpkins aplenty, crisp leaves and free range zombies is it any wonder this is the time to come alive.

To celebrate, first off, I wanted to announce for the whole month I'm selling my book for the measly price of $0.99. That's just slightly less than 100 pennies, less than 10 dimes, a small chunk out of four quarters and I rather doubt anyone's going to touch that Sacajawea.

If you were hemming or hawing you have 30 days (okay slightly less, because I'm rather lazy) to pick up Tin Hero for only 99 of your human cents.

Now for my other goody, this time free. I've always had a strange interest in Lenticular's, better known as those images you stick on the walls/floor/ceiling to make it look like monsters are bursting through. I never got though why it always had to look so cartoony.

So I decided to try my hand at making my own, specifically as something to go on the driveway because it's a rather large generally undecorated gap from cemetery to dragon cave.

Like it? Well it's completely free if you want it. Just click and download. Printing is a bit trickier. I happened to have a $10 coupon off of Zazzle but one could easily go the Walgreens or WalMart or WallofAmontillado route.

And if you don't want the concrete and just the grave, snip snip. Should still work as an illusion.

So there ya go, free lenticular and a cheap book.

Happy October. Despite your excitement do try to cut back on scaring the normals. Sometimes they all get together in a pitchfork store and we don't want a repeat of last year.