Secrets to a Happy Marriage ;)

The holiday season brings upon us many familiar and beloved rituals and perhaps the most ancient is the gathering around a picked clean carcass to gossip about your relatives. For my albeit brief stint in the gossip mills the cornerstone word this year seems to be the dreaded D.

That would be Divorce, for those of you expecting a raging case of Diphtheria from Aunt Belle's homemade greek gogurt.

And since nothing brings together the busy bodies like something that's failed (you should watch them when a souffle's in the oven playing their own version of the Penis game) I thought that I with my many many whole two years and some change of experience should offer marital advice to keep the busy bodies in place.

1. Don't go to bed covered in ants - Frankly it's common sense if you find an ant hill has moved onto your bed to change the sheets and pull out the hoover and don't let it wait til morning.


2. Compromise - it's a filthy one, two, five, uh polyletter word. Everyone knows that at the first sign of weakness shown to your spouse you have guaranteed eternal sink unclogging and gutter cleaning until one of you is struck by lightening. Instead I choose to make everything into a battle, much like a dog would for a scrap of meat I challenge my husband by rearing up on my hind legs and crouching low. He then picks up whatever is the source of contention and shakes it wildly. After that a large battle commences leaving us both battered, bruised until one is declared the winner.


3. Find new hobbies together - I suggest something that only your spouse can do with you so start to invent wild and dangerous ideas like Giant Squid fishing or avalanche surfing. That way you're certain they'll stay with you til the cold clammy hands of death (which if you take up rocket skateboarding will be a lot sooner than later) because no one else in their right mind would.


4. Fight Naked - It's how the ancient greeks did it and nothing bad ever happened to them.


5. Have a date night - if you can't afford it a prune night is okay too but make sure you have two bathrooms in the house.


6. Never, ever mention the D word - Instead come up with an outlandish series of euphemisms so that when you're really mad you swear you're going to "Run away with your barista and get a pickle hat!"


7. Never ever give them privacy - The best way to make sure your spouse never cheats on you is to never give them the option. Hack into all their e-mail, facebook, twitter, LinkedIn, eHarmony accounts at least once a week. If you can afford it getting a good PI to trail them really helps too. You can make it a ritual each Prune night to share what you learned in your report about the others activities.

And that is my 7 highly unhelpful suggestions for how to stay married until the water heater goes up like a rocket.

Happy Holidays!