Sunday, October 25, 2015

iZombie: Real Dead Housewife of Seattle

Well, you can't have Zombie knife fights every week - and sadly, after the great episodes we got so far I was kinda expecting a slower one. So strap in, we've got an uninteresting brain of the week, our manchild CEO, and the return of an old character I'm calling Papa John's Commercial here on out.

To the recap!

We open on a pretty, white lady with the creepiest eyes I have ever seen getting attacked by the world's most bumbling assassin. While trying to kill her with the power of Cheeto palms, they both fall off the cliff. He should have studied under Major first, because holy shit is that guy scary out of nowhere. Remember when he was just the goofy councilor who kept getting beaten up by Lenny the zombie?

Turns out the assassin, whom I named Beardy, posed as a realtor to kill our brain of the week. He originally worked at a car detail and thief emporium. Ravi quips: "Thief posing as a Realtor. Seems like a lateral move."

Clive assumes it's the spouse because he always does. "When rich wives get killed it's either about money or sex." Meanwhile Liv's gotten clingier than usual, wanting to spend Friday hanging out with Ravi and Clive which they imply has happened before. I'd love to have been a fly on that wall with Ravi spinning quips at the napkin dispenser, Liv crumbling from her last lunch, and Clive groaning into his beer wondering who cursed him.

Can we take up a collection to send him on a nice vacation? He's earned it.

Since the brain of the week is about as exciting as white bread in a white room during a white sale, we're also watching Major continue his downward spiral to becoming a Batman villain. He's been crossing names off the list by sensing who isn't really a zombie and letting them live. Gilda gets to him by mentioning that Von's original plan was to just send letters to all the alleged zombies, get 'em on a boat and sink it. Though, given her cut-throat nature and gleam in the eye I kind hope it was actually her plan. I fear they're softening her up for reasons coming up, but Von - while ruthless - feels a bit like watching a toddler with all the money in the world. Gilda being the cold, heartless one would be so much more fun.

Major understands her threat and finds himself another zombie to off. Because half of this show is trying to destroy the guy - after he drugs the man (Von must have given him a deal or something), the zombie wakes up in his trunk begging Major to not kill him or his dog. Major does one of those, and dumps the guy into the Dead Body River. Clive, I know you're busy dealing with whatever weird shit Liv's into now, but you might want to notice the body's piling up in the drainage system. It's starting to smell.

They do tie our brain of the week to Von, turns out her husband sits on the Max Rager board. Does Max Rager own Seattle or something? It's like the Wayne Tech and Star Labs of iZombie but instead of creating - in theory - helpful tech or medicine it only produces energy drinks and zombies. Damn, that's dark.

Clive and Liv go to ask Von some questions about Taylor (our brain of the week), and Liv gets her first flashback that I think we'd all like to burn out of our brains. Bleach is in the second cabinet below the sink! Seems Taylor was screwing Von, which he's quick to deny because he's not a moron - though his brain seems to be stuck at age 21 in a frat house.

Apparently he's Seattle's most eligible bachelor because the rest of the options are hipsters. He and Liv had an entertaining exchange where, after talking about Taylor and Terrance's marriage, he says "There's a reason you won't catch me getting married ."
Liv cuts back with: "Because you can't legally marry your own reflection?"
"Burn." This is why I'm hoping it's Gilda that's the true brains, because you just don't want your super genius CEO to go around spouting memes at the drop of a hat. Have I mentioned yet that I miss Blaine?

On the way out, Liv runs into Major in Von's office. She rightly freaks out, then less rightly slaps him. He takes it like a kicked puppy, though Von's entertained as hell. At least with Major knowing the truth Liv can kinda try to explain it as brains making her act weird except Major never ate any. He has no idea about zombie vision, so...Eh, he's so broken I'm sure he'll forget about it.


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