Tune in or else

As we get closer to May and that long pimped wedding month June the TV networks start to pull out their wedding fare.

First up is the food network with a week long wedding extravaganza starting next week. Really, a surprise engagement cake challenge? What does that even mean? Does the guy have to pop out of it? I am personally hoping Bobby Flay has to do a throwdown where he must plan an entire wedding in an hour.

Though watching the food network hype isn't so bad as about 70-80% is about the food as opposed to being about the cost of the crystal centerpieces.

TLC has had the Wedding Story around for years. It's a weird sort of mish mash of "How we Met" followed by "How much our Parents spent on this thing."

For the more Bridezilla look at people going batshit crazy while dress shopping there's Say Yes to the Dress. It just makes me feel sorry for the poor women that have to drag out dress after dress for brides to try on, especially when they are just there for the "experience." (I profusely thanked the woman who helped me and my friends at the shop where I bought a dress as my Mom and MOH went a bit crazy picking out dresses to make me try on. I think they were just out to drive me insane.)

Then on We if you really want to watch women who have clearly lost their minds and bought into the "Best Day of my Life," there's Bridezillas. I've only seen a handful of the screaming fests while visiting with friends but it does make you wonder why some of the grooms didn't pull a runner. (And if for some reason you want to put your self through the editing hell, you can apply here.)

Looking through their schedule of shows it looks like WE is really the wedding network. So there's one about Platinum Weddings (I wonder how people can stand wearing clothes made out of platinum), Rich Bride Poor Bride (I assume it has nothing to do with that crappy Kirstie Alley/ Tim Allen Amish farce), My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding (Nia Vardalos must be stopped.)

But the worst one by far seems to be something called Bulging Brides. Seriously, you don't have enough ways to make women feel like crap that they don't have millions of dollars to spend on "The best day of their lives?" You have to make them feel even worse because they aren't a perfect size 4 (or is it 2? Don't tell me it's 0 now).

It's enough to make me boycott TV (Or at least all the women networks and indulge in hours of Spike TV's Bond marathons) but I'm really hoping for that Flay humiliation. Oh and I don't think I could give up Ace of Cakes even if you threatened me with a marathon of Bridezilla episodes.

A Bad Hair Day

I have the wonderful option of having my good college friend --and flower girl (whole nother story)-- being very good at doing fancy hair stuff and willing to attack mine (possibly with a chainsaw). She actually did the hair for my MOH's wedding after a slight emergency as well as doing mine and my guys for a dance we all went to.

It was fun as she had free range and we both got blue gel in our hair and he got blue spikes. I'd share a picture but sadly the only one taken is in B&W. But I wouldn't want anyone else doing my hair if only because I know we can get together and come up with something classic but fun.

Trying to come up with a base hairstyle though is about near impossible. We've been looking for something half up, half down, and half & half. It seems like most bridal sites will either have a total updo or all hair down (or be like TheKnot and be about impossible to search unless you have a lot of time on your hands).

One that I have found at Brides.com has a wonderful listing where you can search for pictures based upon the type you want (half up), what your hair is (wavy), and length of hair (medium). There's also some stuff about style but I don't know if they have an option for "Don't look at me, look at everyone else."

If you want something a bit more interactive there are sites that have options for you to create a model or upload a picture of yourself and you can try on different hairstyles. Here's one from hairstyles.com (though it's just a demo option you might still find some good styles). After playing with it I think I should go for more of a mohawk look actually.

I wish some wedding website/magazine would decide to make an article about how best to pick hair styles for your veil/hair pins/flower and then how to insert said adornment. But sadly til then we'll just have to make due with a lot of bobby pins and some extra gorilla glue.

Would you sign, please?

After my few and far between years of attending and being in weddings, I have only been a bridesmaid once, helped my father videotape about twenty times and while all those are important I have some to realize the best spot ever is to guard the guestbook.

Think about it, if you're a bridesmaid you have to get a dress (and depending upon the bride it could be really hideous and make you look like a credenza), you have to get special shoes/jewelry, you have to go to the scary hassle of getting all that fitted (I have a deep fear of shoe shopping), according to the new tradition if the bride so demands it you must appease her every whim including addressing invitations to people you don't know and help to trap the groom should he make a runner (here's how to throw a lasso).

But if you're in charge of the guestbook, you just have to get dressed up a bit (still not fun), show up about 30 minutes before the thing starts (as opposed to hours before to get your hair and makeup done), sit in a chair collecting gifts and cards, and if you get bored write in fun names like "Brad Pitt" into the guest book. It really helps that it's one of the least important jobs, essentially an open book and a pen could do it. So if you wanted to slack off, no one would care either.

And you still get all the perks of being in the bridal party, free food at the rehersal dinner, your name in the program, people asking you where the bathroom is.

That's why I told all my friends that if I have to be in anymore wedding I call guestbook. I still have a few openings in June if anyone else requires my services.

Tacky?

If a person would ask me what first pops into my head upon hearing "tacky" I'll have horrible flashbacks to a spray insulation foam project gone horribly bad (I still get night terrors). I rarely, if ever, think of anything in the wedding industry.

But the more data I collect the more often I see people claiming that this or that is tacky. There are lots of blogs out there trying to point out the tackiest crap, tacky etiquette, and just tacky in general.

It seems like everyone's greatest worry is that something at their wedding will be considered tacky! Even colors have to come under the big T scrutiny.

Frankly, I don't get the big hubbub. I think whenever anyone brings up the T word you just have to think on the immortal words of President Lincoln. No not the elephant one (That's best for wedding coordinators).

"You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time."

I say just let it go, in fact if we didn't already have our own "tacky" wedding ideas in place (Halloween rules!) I'd be tempted to go all out for the super tacky ideas (I do like this one woman's approach).

I think first we'd have money trees everywhere, a huge balloon archway, have all the guests wear t-shirts that have "Guest" on rhinestones like the ones for bridal party members, a hostess wedding cake, and a humorous cake topper.

As long as everyone has some fun, and you, you know, actually get married in the end I'd think it'd be a successful day, even if you did have to use those paper bells.

We announced our engagement . . .

to everyone in the noun.

If you're around my age, you spent many days of your youth playing the joy that is MadLibs and trying to insert dirty words wherever and whenever you could. (Our favorite adjective is horny).

Well now they've come out with Adult madlibs
The best one we've got has been the Bachelorette Bash. It has everything from a story about The venue, the proposal, asking the maid of honor, to winning over the in-laws.

It's a great way to work through some of those wedding jitters, or at least get together with your friends, get some booze, and make your own drinking game.

(Take a shot every time someone needs a noun).

The other Adult Mad Libs are

1. Test Your Relationship I.Q. - this one seems to not have been edited as well and is missing a few words it asks for.
2. Party Girl
3. Dysfunctional Family Therapy
4. Keepers and Losers
5. Advice for the Lovelorn
6. Mama's got a brand new (Diaper) bag
7. Who Moved my Cubicle