Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Ubisoft - E3

Ubisoft - E3

Here's a summation of all the games Ubisoft showcased and lots of pictures. If you want to read ALL the conferences on Day One head over here.

South Park: The Fractured But Whole - Ubisoft opened their show with a trailer for the next South Park game and had Aisha Taylor MC. She invited Matt Stone and Trey Parker up to mostly rag on their stupid mikes and get off stage as fast as possible.
 Aisha mentions the rather virulent criticism Ubisoft deserved for a certain Assassiny game, but gave the cover of "We hear you though we're still releasing another AC game this year and didn't show any game play. It'll be fine. Look, more celebrities!"

For Honor - Maybe my memory's kinda hazy, but I don't remember when the Crusader's waged and epic battle against Vikings. And then some Samurai got really fucking lost and wandered in. But in For Honor you can experience this long lost footnote in history. Experience the danger of melee combat on battlefield feel the strike of a winning blow and the crash of a shield as an enraged historian bursts through your wall and body slams you.
 No one fucks with historians.


Expansion Packs: The Crew & Trials Fusion
You're supposed to want to play these because racing and a cat riding on a flaming unicorn? Ubisoft took the approach of "Yeah, we could explain it, but look at how awesome this is! Do you really want us to waste time telling you why you should buy thins game when you could be giving us the money already? I didn't think so."


The Division - Having watched actual gameplay for the Division I'm left wondering do people playing at home ever shut the hell up? I wanted the virus to wipe out every single character so the game was just watching a tin can rolling down the street.

 A weaponized virus was released by secret agent pandas (okay, I made that last bit up). Of course, rather than people bonding together, coming up with evacuation and rescue plans, society crumbles. The obligatory scavengers are all wearing bright orange jumpsuits because nothing screams inconspicuous/city camo like bright orange.

Tom Clancy's: The Division drops in December.


Anno 2205: You can build a city on the moon...eventually. For now just build yourself a Sim City on Earth. Maybe one day you can get to the moon. One day.


Just Dance 2016 - Out of ideas, Ubisoft yanked out Jason Derulo and had him sing and vaguely sway while pawing at his crotch. There was a noticeable lack of dancing to sell a dancing game and barely any dancing gameplay.

On the plus side, at least no one lit off fireworks. It looked like it could have been a fire hazard.

So there's a dancing game that may or may not have dancing in it. But, hey, we got a live singer. It's ten times better than EA dredging up Pele. Suck it, EA!


Rainbow Six | Siege - Another Tom Clancy game which gave Ubisoft the excuse to have Angela Basset come out looking very confused what this video game thing is all about. But hey, their check cleared so whatever. Now that Aisha could fawn over Derulo, she could get (rightly) starstruck over Basset. This felt less like a video game conference and more like watching the red carpet live at some award show. What are you wearing? My old AC/DC t-shirt with stairs by Cheetoh.

Anyway, Rainbow Siege is sadly not an elite team made of rainbow bright and her friends sent to take down Gargamel. But you can shoot through walls which is fun. Insurance companies probably despise whenever Rainbow Siege pops up though.

Trackmania - More cars going in circles. It felt like watching sonic. I kept expecting the car to pick up gold rings. What was cool was the track builder which randomized locations, track layouts, and signs. Because live demos are the cool thing no one has the heart to tell you looks stupid, they had one of the developers plop down and have his car smash right into a sign.

You can't cheat physics, indeed.

Assassin's Creed: Syndicate - Meet our new assassin Jacob Frye - the love child of Wolverine and Jack the Ripper. 
As he traveled the mean streets of Industrial Revolution London I kept expecting him and his gang to break out into "It's a Hard Knock Life." Also, did no one tell the game makers that the Industrial Revolution wasn't like the French Revolution. It wasn't a war. I got the impression they seemed to think so. 

Our assassin as well as the top hat has gotten himself a grappling hook. He already hangs out on top of gargoyle. We all know where this is going, the final assassin in the franchise will be Bruce Wayne. Despite the promise that women are not longer too hard to animate, we didn't see Evie here (we did later and she looks 10X awesomer than Wolvie the Ripper). We also saw no game play, unless...

Oh god, what if we did see gameplay and that was just one cut scene into another? Not AC 3! Not again!

They offered up letting some people play there, but I'm still expecting lots of skinless assassin's running around Victorian London (at least the British accents make sense there).


 Ghost Recon: Wildlands - Is a game about a quartet of college bound gentlemen who decide to spend their last summer together backpacking through all of south america.
Saw a pig, saw a plant, saw a lady praying.

Nah, I'm just shitting you. It's another black ops shooter. The difference is you can shoot people either directly, in stealth mode, or ambush them. That's different, right?

I should have kept up a tally of every post apocalyptic game and black-ops FPS I saw. Though if I turned it into a drinking game, I'd have to replace my liver. Next year, Ubisoft. You, me, and Viola Davis dancing with Macklemore!

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