Thursday, July 2, 2015

Bethsda has a sex problem

Video game players are growing up along with the writers, devs, and protagonists. The average gamer is in her 30s. Ten years ago the only one who could save the world was usually a fresh faced 20 something, now they're all in their 30s with a wife and/or kid in tow (to get sacrificed to motivate our lantern jawed hero, of course).

But one thing isn't aging along with the creaking knees unable to handle a five story fall; sex is still treated like a 13 year old boy snapping a girl's bra.

In Skyrim, if you wander lost into Riften there's a good chance you'll find yourself in Helga's Bunkhouse - a nice place if you like splinters and belligerent innkeepers. The real quest (Caught Red Handed) begins when you talk to Helga's niece Svana. In true Skyrim fashion she's probably sweeping in the main hall for seven hours, or trapped in between the floor and wall calmly eating a piece of fruit.

She's pissed that Helga makes her sweep for seven hours a day yet the floor never gets clean. Really, Helga seems to be doing the girl a favor keeping her employed despite her complete uselessness. Svana has a dream -- not one to escape her working conditions, start her own inn, and have to deal with adventurers reeking of dragons one day snapping and killing everyone in her basement for funsies.

No, Svana has a clever plan, Sir. She thinks her aunt is disgusting because she beds all these men. The men aren't disgusting. That's just what men do. Dragons got to wipe out entire villages and men got to fuck around. Rather than confront her own aunt, tell her her puritanical views, maybe ask how she managed to figure out this sex thing, Svana wants you to gather tokens from all the men Helga made the mudcrab of two backs with in this month.

Okay? So, how many tokens? Twenty?

No, that's horrible!


No, not that many.

Ten? Five? Give me a hint, lady!

Three. Collect three tokens from ALL three men Helga's dragon boned in a month. That's not even one a week. She is really slacking off on achieving that slut trophy.

What makes this quest even more stupid is that Helga's reason for giving out little souvenirs after luring those poor innocent men into her sex web is because she worships Dibella. We're not talking one of the Daedric princes here who love to mess around with mortals because evil is fun, Dibella is a goddess. She's one of the Nine (Eight) Divine. It's a bit like deciding that whole church must be a slut because it's named after Mary.


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