Tuesday, August 7, 2012

EATING FRUIT will cure all your ills!1!1!!

My best friend sent me this Forward she got because she knows how much these stupid things entertain the crap out of me. I do my best to just ignore the fact that people (like say my In-laws) would actually believe stuff like this and set to chewing this little thing apart.

And I even dare to do it on a full stomach.


Sabrina::Fruit-Texas Ranger.

It's a bit long but very informative

Sabrina::Whenever something tells you it's informative it's lying.

We all think eating fruits means just buying fruits,

Sabrina::Or lifting up the corner of the apple cart while our monkey distracts the owner.

cutting it and just popping it into our mouths. It's not as easy as you think.

Sabrina::There's chewing and stuff too. Can't forget about all that mastication.

It's important to know how and when to eat.

Sabrina::I am pleased to introduce my patented "Eat Whenever the Hell you're Hungry" program. It will teach you just when is the best time to consume foodstuffs to get your stomach to stop making all those annoying noises. Some possibly side effects include satiety, no longer worrying about passing out, and being happy with a full stomach.

What is the correct way of eating fruits?

Sabrina::Can't shove it up your nose. Learned that the hard way.


Sabrina::(Creasote)I can't I'm stuffed.
blablover5::But it's only wafer thin.


Sabrina::They're like male betas and will smack ainto their glass if they can see any other food.

If you eat fruit like that, it will play a major role to detoxify your system,

Sabrina::Fruit is equipped with special scrubbing bubbles to clean all those hard to get colon stains and it won't leave streaks behind.

supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life activities.

Sabrina::*Sets apple down carefully* Don't make any sudden moves or it could explode.


Sabrina::Better watch your back vegetables and dairy, fruit is gunning for you.

Let's say you eat two slices of bread and then a slice of fruit.

Sabrina::We shall dispatch a food cop to your door to teach you how to properly form a sandwich.
blablover5::(food cop)No, no you put meat and vegetables on the bread. Would you stop wrapping an orange in bread. If you don't get that kiwi outta here I'm throwing you into the clink.

The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines,

Sabrina::Because you stupidly had all your sphincters removed on a bet.

but it is prevented from doing so.

Sabrina::By the amazing power of your digestive system. The stomach, it's not just a pretty face. It actually does stuff.

In the meantime the whole meal rots

Sabrina::after you left it behind the furnace for a few weeks.

and ferments and turns to acid.

Sabrina::I don't even know where to begin with how very wrong that is. So I'm just gonna sit here and play with this stick.

The minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach and digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil.

Sabrina::Oh my god! Someone get me a grape, a turkey leg and a camera. I have the best idea for a youtube video!

So please eat your fruits on an empty stomach or before your meals!

Sabrina::Because fruit isn't really food. It's a mythical magical ambrosia that behaves like antimatter when placed anywhere near real food.

You have heard people complaining

Sabrina::In fact every time they get one of these stupid forwards from you. You should really look into that.

- every time I eat watermelon I burp,

Sabrina::I think you're doing it wrong.

when I eat durian my stomach bloats up,

Sabrina::I had to look up what a Durian is. Sabrina::If I ate that I think my stomach would jump out of my throat and run away.

when I eat a banana I feel like running to the toilet etc -

Sabrina::Though that has nothing to do with tummy troubles. I just can't wait to crap one out.

actually all this will not arise if you eat the fruit on an empty stomach.

Sabrina::Because you'll be in such an ecstatic state of bliss from daring to let fruit touch your lips I could wallop you with a 2X4 for three hours and you'll just sit there grinning.

The fruit mixes with the putrefying other food and produces gas and hence you will bloat!

Sabrina::Maybe if you didn't eat garbage you wouldn't have these problems.

Graying hair, balding,

Sabrina::Well at least the balding should fix the graying hair.

nervous outburst, and dark circles under the eyes all these will not happen if you take fruits on an empty stomach.

Sabrina::Fruit will also cause you to look like you're Scarlett Johnason, cure cancer, balance your tires, and file your taxes.
blablover5::Nervous Outbursts, the newest ritalin flavored candy from Starburst.

There is no such thing as some fruits,

Sabrina::All fruits are actually unicorn tears.

like orange and lemon are acidic,

Sabrina::And it isn't because they contain a higher amount of citric acid but because the mighty goddess of nature and wind decreed that oranges and lemons shall be the food of the gods.

because all fruits become alkaline in our body,

Sabrina::So first you try to tell us that we should consume vast amounts of fruits but then say that it'll turn us into a giant battery. You're not actually Hugo Weaving are you?

according to Dr. Herbert Shelton who did research on this matter.

Sabrina::And by research I mean we got him drunk one Sunday and he just said "Shit, you can claim anything you want if you just give me another shot of Jack."

If you have mastered the correct way of eating fruits, you have the Secret of beauty, longevity, health, energy, happiness and normal weight.

Sabrina::Also you will never have to poop again, your house will be lemony fresh all the time, and you will be an instant billionaire.

When you need to drink fruit juice - drink only fresh fruit juice,

Sabrina::But whatever you do run screaming from carrot or tomato juice. That's the gateway drug to hell.

NOT from the cans.

Sabrina::So bottles are okay then?
blablover5::Hell after all this, I'm just gonna drink Tang.

Don't even drink juice that has been heated up.

Sabrina::Because all that acid seeping out of the warm juice could combine with some old crumbs on the counter causing a horrible explosion.

Don't eat cooked fruits because you don't get the nutrients at all. You only get to taste. Cooking destroys all the vitamins.

Sabrina::That sound you just heard was my Food Scientist Husband's head exploding.

But eating a whole fruit is better than drinking the juice. If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly,

Sabrina::Damn, I figured you were gonna suggest we snort it that way our evil digestive tract doesn't get its dangerous acids involved with fruit's pure goodness.

because you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it.

Sabrina::Oh so Saliva is the magical elixer. Quick someone sell it on eBay. Op too late.

You can go on a 3-day fruit fast to cleanse your body.

Sabrina::You'll also get to spend all three days camped out in the bathroom but you'd be too weak to actually do anything anyway so it works out.

Just eat fruits and drink fruit juice throughout the 3 days and you will be surprised when your friends tell you how radiant you look!

Sabrina::As you dry heave on the emergency nurses shoes.

Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer! Can you believe this??

Sabrina::I'm gonna go the sane oncologist route and say no. But you just go ahead with your fear mongering. It keeps me entertained while I work on my rubix cube.

For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you..

Sabrina::Or those who love crack pot ideas. Ooh I got all the reds together.

It is nice t o have a cup of cold drink after a meal.

Sabrina::Try our latest innovation COLD DRINK! It'll take the world by storm.

However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed.

Sabrina::Assuming you moved on from the rotting garbage to sucking down the used oil from the deep fryer.

It will slow down the digestion.

Sabrina::Which you want because we all know that nothing good comes from your GI tract. Damn, I lost a blue one.

Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food.

Sabrina:And we all know absorption is terrible for you. Why would you want to absorb proteins vitamins and sugar into your system? That turns you into a living person and those are all gross.

It will line the intestine.

Sabrina::With newspaper?

Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer.

Sabrina::So just how drunk did you have to get Dr. Sherbart to get that out of him? Get the Guiness people, you must have set a record for shots consumed.
blablover5::The jumps in logic are so astronomical we'll have to call in the hubble to measure it.

It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.

Sabrina::But what about the fruit? Damn it I have a palette of kiwi and that creepy duran duran to move so you better get back to the magical fruit or I'll be breaking some thumbs.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail and sends it to 10 people,

Sabrina::people will start hoarding fruit so his stock in Del Monte will go through the roof.

you can be sure that we'll save at least one life.

Sabrina::Anyone else think this was cobbled together by a couple of potatoes an ear of corn and a pig? Must just be me.

Read this...It could save your life!!

Sabrina::Or turn you into a very dark and depressing person who leeches weird acids and runs screaming from cold water.

Sabrina::And this is why we never open anything with FWD in the subject line. Ah screw this, I'm just gonna pull the stickers off.

1 comment:

Nancy Lebovitz said...

More snark about fear of food-- what happens to people who believe what they see online.