Only a few more feet and we should...
If you don't think he just chopped off his own hand and is about to try it on the other, you haven't been paying attention.
That's right, it's time for this weeks edition of Halloween Wars - why does everything Food Network touch get destroyed?
She spent the entire show trying to tie everything back to Vampires, and I do mean everything. That scared guy with Death, that's like how my character is always running from vampires. The cat is like a vampire cat. These curtains are how vampires sometimes look like curtains. VAMPIRES!
But here I go getting ahead of myself. To begin we must waste both the contestants and viewers time with a small challenge. The winner of which gets a huge bonus in the form of a cursed jade ring that grants untold fondant rolling powers to whoever wears it.
This week, the creative staff on this show wandered blinking into a Halloween store and jotted down "People seem to have a lot of grim specters of death with this All Hallows of Eve. Also, what is this human emotion called love?"
So off the teams raced to create their own interpretation of Death, with Hipster Ariel looking more pumpkin colored than usual.
Oh god, when she cut herself last week she absorbed some of the pumpkins essence and it compelled her to get a horrible spray tan!
I'll stop wasting time, as opposed to the FN and get right to the pieces.
Team Already Polishing the Trophy decided that in this economy Death would find himself in need of a second job and took up ferrying to help out Charon who's been wanting to retire even after losing his 401K investing in Styx. The 70's never died on the river to Hades.
Death has a touch of the scoliosis. Would you be a dear and ferry your own doomed ass?
Sweet god no, not Celebrity Chefs 2!!!!
Now, I'm no evil dark underlord with a penchant for wearing too much eye makeup, but if I may make a suggestion...When building your gates of hell to trap tormented souls forever you might not want to leave a gap wide enough an entire night shift for WalMart can sneak underneath.
Team Pumpkin Hipster Ariel made a never ending point about how no one makes house calls anymore (or for that matter has a phone for the house), and decided that being about as social as an introverted rock, from now on the Grim Reaper sends e-mails to claim the souls of the dead.
To cheat death all you need is a really good spam filter.
Apparently the Alpha & The Omega also loves Knock Knock Jokes (AND A GOOD CURRY).
Mr. Reaper looks like he's trying to recede back into the iPad. "SO SORRY, I SEEM TO BE AT THE WRONG STUDIO. I AM LOOKING FOR ONE CALLED 'ARROW?'"
Team Needless Drama This Week laughed at your attempts to create classic grim reapers and gave us:
The Death of Squirrels, who'd just accidentally spilled his pomegranate martini all over the floor on the way to a great party in a tastefully painted red room.
I could not stop for Death so he kindly ran in front of my car.
The team made some huge DRAMA™ over the...I'm gonna say gourd? That looks like a white gourd carved for small gnomes to live in, right? over it breaking but mostly the judges just trounced their clueless leader for carving a perfectly passable squirrel skull.
If any of the judges dismembered corpses wind up with poorly carved pumpkins shoved on their heads, this guy is going to the top of the suspect list.
The final team made this:
It's a, um, garbage bag slicing up rat sushi?
An ANGRY garbage bag with a rake slicing up rat sushi!
Put the fucking fancy feast in a crystal bowl and no one gets hurt!
Team GRMail (ba-dum-tish) won that pointless cul de sac and got to slather themselves in rejuvenating pumpkin guts.
Trying to make up for the mind blisteringly stupid challenge of Vampires vs Zombie from last year (seriously, what in the hell were you people thinking? Was there a dartboard of Halloween stuff you tossed in a shredder to see what came out?) this year they thought completely out of the coffin and went with vampires vs vampire hunters!
At this point the guest judge shouted VAMPIRES VAMPIRES VAMPIRES! before being forced to marry Michael Keaton while the host said the "stakes" have never been higher. hint hint. *wink wink* Damn it, if you don't laugh I'll tell this stupid joke thirty more times!
Team Squirrel Death took it upon themselves to take back up the Drama™ mantle. First their I guess you'd call him leader, took to raging about how he was going to carve the best fucking pumpkin the judges had ever seen!
And then proceeded to give us the world's scariest pumpkin vampire bear, only second to the dreaded squash owl bear.
But they weren't done. With no one willing to sacrifice an appendage to a rotary blade, they all decided to get huffy and whiny as their forced the cake maker to stuff a wooden coffin with enough sugar to launch the entire cast of Toddlers & Tiaras into orbit.
This was then covered over in fondant by the poor beleaguered woman while the sugar artist yelled for her to move faster, the leader stood around talking about how the women weren't getting along and the mythical assistant phased back into the negative zone.
I wouldn't have blamed her for grabbing the knife out of that jabbering idiotic hosts hands and stabbing at a few cameras before rushing off the stage screaming.
Instead they all bonded together to blah blah blah, let's get to the good shit.
Vampire Bear doesn't like where this is going.
Team Miniature Scenes combined vampires with the scariest thing they could think of, a pissed off nun:
The hills are alive with the sound of me fucking your ass up!
She also slapped the shit out of a Dracula with a ruler for running in the halls.
The catacombs of the tubers!
As the old saying goes, "Don't fuck with a nun."
Team Hipster Burnt Sienna took Andy Griffith:
Gave him some goggles, a colander, and a flashlight.
And let him slowly melt one of those models from the Bodyworks exhibit.
No, I'm being told apparently it's a kid (Ron Howard, then?), whose parents aren't really that attached to, that is battling a vampire (I'm assuming it's one of the lesser Twilight Vamps then, maybe Harpo?)
You say vampire, I say monstrous play-dough monster oozed amok.
Though I have to say, if there's anyone I want protecting this world from faceless/body-less/mass-less vampires it's Andy Griffith, or maybe Dick Van Dyke.
In case you forgot, Team Vampire Bear made Team Vampire Bear that was chained up in his coffin by a particularly vindictive vampire hunter who then set it all on fire.
Set it all on fire in a dark room, using dark fire.
I admit, my vampire lore is a bit lacking (how many lemons do you have to shove into a head? Can it only be lemons or would any citrus work?) but I don't remember fire really bothering them much. Sure it'd set the vampire back a few, as he had to wait for his ashes to reabsorb some water but I imagine floating instant vampire is slightly more terrifying than a friendly neighborhood blood sucking bear.
I just wanted his pic-a-nic basket!
The final team gave us this jolly scene of a sun about to sing a song involving sharing, and caring, and burning your victims alive with the power of high energy light.
Time has not been kind to the Teletubies sun baby.
Is, is the vampire bat crying?
Running out of good excuses, anything approaching a pun, and the guest judge having been distracted by something shiny, it was time to crown a winner and kick off a loser.
Team Uncorruptible and their action Nun won, as well as getting picked up as a new series on the CW for 2014.
And the brown goo, hanging off the other brown goo while the bitter orange sun from Raisin Bran glared down upon it got sent home.
Each week seems to defy all reality show logic and grow increasingly more boring with the axing of another team. There are no "Wow, that's amazing. I'll take 10 pieces" and also no "Why did you drown Winnie in poo?" It's just middle of the road, oh that's something I guess.
I suspect the last week will be the two final teams carving a simple Jack-o-lantern while the cake and sugar people dance around it in diaphanous gowns to Danse Macabre while feasting upon the brains of the host.
Or perhaps that's just what I really want to see.