Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Best Worst Book of 2014

It is not rare to come across a god awful, Gulliver-wouldn't-piss-on-it bad self published book. What is far more difficult to find, to achieve, is the book that is so putrid, so disgustingly obnoxious that it becomes good. 

I believe I have found the best worst book of 2014 and it is The Life and Loves of Aaron James:
That luxurious cover art surely cost the author at least $1.50 in markers after he forgot to put the cap back on.

But they say that one should not judge a book by its cover. These are the same people who also cry "Boo, how can that book be so bad when the cover's so pretty" but humans are a contradictory lot. The proof is in the syllabic pudding, so to spell. 

This is the point when I would comment on the characters, the plot, the setting, or the theme, but there is none. Sure, there are names, a confusing jumble tossed around to the point I suspect there are two perhaps three players but at least six to seven different names used to describe them. I would say this detracts from the beautiful awfulness, but characters are pointless.

The plot is even less in existence. The summary claims this is a vignette about the love life of a man named Aaron. I shall have to take the synopsis at its word because aside from some of the most disturbingly unsexy sex scenes I've ever read, there is nothing approaching this thing you humans call love.

If the author cannot be bothered to create characters or plot, what is the point of caring? Ah, gentle reader, trusting reader. Would I lead you astray? 

The beauty of this book lies not in the whole, but the sum of its parts. It is the incomparable prose which elevates it from gutter trash to pure poetry. But you need not take my word at it, as this beauty is in the 70,000 word range we have much to experience in the sample.

It begins thusly:
"A~BeYouToFull~ publication"
Can't breathe! Dying of laughter! Help! We know when you make up your own publishing company to hide the fact it's self published. But I would kill to find someone straight laced sending out business cards with "A~BeYouToFull~ publication" in raised letters. I'd hoard them all!

A first sentence is like making a good impression. Stick your nose in someone else's coffee and they probably won't wish to speak with you again. What does "two running medallions" mean? Can we ever truly understand how two people are strapped to these silent running medallions? Will the world believe and trust what is or is not to come? We shall press on to find it with limited interruptions from yours truly.

Friends don't let friends use thesauri. 

"though her sexual properties diminished as she approached him, her unfaithful behavior was still a cut above daring."

"The imminent structures of her body were informing Streicher of her inventory"
Two kidneys, one liver, and a pile of petty soul gems. 

This is such purple prose, it's gone pure ultra-violet. Only some insects can properly view it.

"unhappiness migrated vaguely across her face."
Where ya wanna migrate to?
I dunno, just wander off over there or something. 

"the equine toss of her head forced him to reciprocate"
Wait, she's been a horse this whole time? No wonder she has a vast inventory.

"Streicher was humid with remembering the relics of their lovemaking."
This is why you want to keep a desiccant with your sex relics. 

"Lailey stockpiled her body against him"
Is she multiple man? How many clones do you need to stock pile? 

"Confirmation and inducement fluctuated between them"
Inducement? Is he trying to encourage labor in the horse lady? 

"Her line of vision caressed Aaron"
We're at about five different names for two people. Also, stop touching people with your eyes. 

“I get so bored studying.”
“I prefer prophesy myself.”
I like hats.
Have you ever tasted the rain? 

"Aaron refilled on her face in the momentum he bequeathed to her through the refreshing utility of a lackadaisical sensuality"
Some sentences should be experienced in their full glory. It's because I hate you.

"they carried their private payload without mystique"
FYI, using payload as a euphemism for sex is never a smart move.

"Her desire looked soluble in the darkness"
So he dissolved her desire in darkness. 

"a capillary sexuality transmitted quietly from her lips"
There should be a license to own a thesaurus. 

"as the sounds of their lovemaking upstairs descended like evolution."
Sex will turn you into star babies! You heard it here first! 

"sexual intrigue reminisced on her loquacious after burn."
I picture someone slapping aloe on a burn victim that will not shut up.

Please stop trying to have sex with the snowshoes. 
"Aaron’s wasted ears straddled the pitch of conversation,"
How does one even get ears drunk? 

The saddest part of all, you know someone had to read this and pretend it was amazing.

"he dodged loosely to Jami’s breast swell"
If you're thinking Jami is some kind of ocean goddess, you might be right. 

 "a tranquil, increased soul whispered humor from Jami."
Sounds like the soul needs to cut the valium dose and go potty.

“That’s stupid.”
What more need be said?

"Faint estuaries of tension relaxed along the corridor"
River? River?, fjord, stream, ooh estuary! Now that's literature!

"Aaron took her to his blood touched eyes"
Taste my ebola! TASTE IT!

"the handled surface offered its support and Aaron twisted onto it"
I'm really starting to hate Aaron, who might also be Jami...

"Aaron digressed along the integrity of her breasts and fell hard"
The integrity of the breasts are failing Captain!

After we diagram these lips, everyone disco!
"and fitfully bordering their pristine intimacy,"
Intimacy without borders is a charity that didn't take off.

"Aaron looked up to see Angel’s antagonism blinking unnoticed into sterility."
Someone left the autoclave on overnight again!

"Aaron reconnected the disrupted tendrils of her affection."
Horse lady is also part squid! I'm starting to like her capillary eyes.

"he calibrated the thought of bruised mornings spent under its marauding influence."
Don't Date Klingons!

"their social tantrum was prescient of an explosive overcast."
I think someone gave toddlers nuclear weapons.

"envy flickered beneath the cuticle of their friendship."
Ya gotta soak it then push all that envy back with a stick.

Just so you know, the dialogue is just as bad:
"'don’t rob my finish with your soap opera.'"
Her immune system exploded! There was lymph everywhere!

Nothing sexier than combining eyeballs and parasites.

"she swung her tessellated hair... and gulled them."
Her hair is made of little squares and she is part gull as well?

"the smile which lacerated her face"
Someone get some orthodontia for squid horse gull!

"His eyes were impregnated"
By those bleeding eye parasites from earlier! What kind of hell hole is this land?

"'come on, lets blister out of here.'"
"Lets blister out of here" (no apostrophe) is the next huge catchphrase.

"The irregularity of hills lay beneath a bleeding, potent sky"
It is a sea of blood in this eyeball parasitic hell mouth.

"Aaron rolled on her facilitating breasts and suppressed her lips."
Either this guy's borrower sized or she's carrying some ZZZ's. And suffocating your lover is totes sexy. Blue's a hot color.

"Aaron extorted the supple unity of her body against the indices of raw machinery and calmed her turbulence"
Don't fuck our machines, please

"she used her mouth with a gently lactating tongue."
Lactating tongue. Lactating tongue! *runs aways screaming*

"Aaron pushed her onto the bed and curled her nipples"
AAAHHHHH!!!!!!*swats at any hands coming near*

"as he fed upon the silk-grained texture of her skin"
Our hero is a zombie, the heroine a horse squid gull. It's twu wuv!

"his penis became clotted with desire"

"Streicher was handicapped and looking to get away, his malnutrition dissatisfied Lailey."
I don't, I just...

"Streicher finished his drink and plumed his face with steel,"
YES! The characters start beating themselves the way I wish to.

"and her appealing breasts clustered against him."
Clustered? How many does the horse squid gull have?

"humility liquefied Jami’s face."
AH! Horse squid gull is melting!

"the steroid sky reddened hostile to the touch of time."
This has got to be some secret spy code hidden inside a shitty story.

"the covers were quilted below his haunches and devastated after sex."
Those poor quilts. What did they do to deserve this?

"Her eyes gliding over him stabbed his face and their rhythmic pull harvested his body."
And with that, Horse Squid Gull devours him.

I can no longer look upon this wretched pulchritude. Truly, the heavens themselves must have lit upon the brow of this young man, no doubt furrowing below a trilby hat perched upon his vainglorious brow, as he tired ceaselessly to cram every SAT word he could find inside this masterpiece. It is a tale told for the ages.

You should, nay must, tarry no longer as you recline in this splendor. Absorb the words into your bloody eyes until your solvent soul cries out in loquacious verisimilitude. Chop chop!


Katherine Hajer said...

You know, now that I've seen all your points listed together instead of tweet by tweet, I'm wondering if this was written in a language other than English and then run through a translation app. What do you think?

Sabrina Zbasnik said...

That would explain some of it. Though there must be a magic add the zaniest adjectives you can setting.

Still doesn't explain the lack of characters, setting or plot.

Kris Silva said...