Where the Vampire Swings

Where the Vampire Swings

There is a place where the vampire swings
And zombies shuffle before the beat begins,
And there the frights come what may,
And there mummies hold to the sway,
And there Igor makes an awesome souffle
To appeal to every hunger pang.

Let us leave this place where no monsters chance
And the kids are safely tucked in bed.
Past the castle on the moor of wisps
We shall walk with a walk of Egypt and a bag of crisps,
And watch enthralled as master Igor lisps
To the place where the vampire swings.

Yes we shall walk with a walk of Egypt and crisps,
And watch enthralled as master Igor lisps,
For the monsters boogie down, oblivious to our traps
To the place where the vampire swings.

Zombie Lawyer!

In some alternate reality where I have access to a sound stage, fancy cameras, a crew oh and a bunch of actors I shall create my own prime time comedrama called:

Zombie Lawyer

And it will follow Zombie Lawyer as he tries to navigate the dog eat zombie leg world of the law. Making his afterlife especially hard is his nemesis D.A. Dracula, who's out to get Zombie Lawyer and get him disbarred or at least have his brains removed in the middle of the court.

When Zombie Lawyer isn't working on a case he's buttering up to his Law Offices senior partner Wicked Witch hoping to turn those office sparks into something more than a little witchcraft.

Also look for a crazy cast of characters in the courtroom with the wise cracking bailiff mummy and the sour Frankenstein Monster judge. Fire bad indeed.

Doesn't that local coffee barista look a bit familiar with the long black cowl and scythe?

Soon all across the nation, Zombie Lawyers catchphrase will ring out to peels of laughter:And that's what I would create if I had access to Hollywood for a week or two.

Some Guy Named Bill - I Shuffl'D lonely as a cloud

The third in my series of taking classic literature and injecting some much needed Zombie entertainment into it.

I Shuffl'D lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, full of brains for meals;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Screaming and running through the streets.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the Milky Way,

They stretch'd in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in fearful dance.

Chain link heaved against the groan; but they

were trapped and could never get free:

A zombie could not but be happy,

In such gray matter company:

I gazed -- and gazed -- at the horror wrought

When zombies conquered and all humans were caught:

For oft, when in my shamble I sigh

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my stomach with hunger does fill,

As I take a bite out of some guy named Bill .

The Zombie Not Taken

October is finally here (no matter how much Old Man Winter is trying to convince me it's really December. IT IS NOT TIME TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING! PISS OFF!) and I thought it was a good time to dig out the first Zombie poem I ever touched up.

Enjoy:

The Road Not Taken*
by Robert Frost (with a few surprises added by me).

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where a zombie stood in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Imposing over stood trolls in a pair;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
Tempting with treasures of the pick.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
And knowing just what would allay,
I unsheathed my boom stick.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I shot the zombies in the eye,
And that has made all the difference.

*Many apologizes to Mr. Frost and anyone else who likes the poem, poetry in general or speaks English. This just came out while playing a game and well it did make a it a bit more exciting after all, right?

Yeah I'll go burn myself now for being a heretic.

The Rime of the Ancient Zombie

Zombies, Zombies, every where,
And all the brains did shriek ;
Zombies, Zombies, every where,
And all of them a freak.

The very flesh did rot : O Christ !
That ever this should be !
Yea, slimy things did stumble about
Upon the slimy sea.

About, about, in reel and rout
The death-fires danced at night ;
The water, like a witch's oils,
Burnt green, and blue and white.

And some in dreams assuréd were
Of the undead that ate us so;
Six feet under he followed us
Along with his friend the crow.

And every face, through utter scare,
Was twisted and laid bare ;
At the zombie cursed with a bouffant
Of grave wax, shotgun shells and hair.

Ah ! well a-day ! what evil looks
Had zombie due to the shock!
I go to work to fix it all;
Zombie left with a styling faux hawk.

Romero & Juliet: Star-crossed zombies

*In continuing my bastardization of classics by including zombies I present the most overdone and misunderstood Shakespeare play "Romeo & Juliet" (Taylor Swift I'm looking at you).

JULIET:
O Romero, Romero! Wherefore art thou Romero?
Deny thy hunger and refuse thy fiend;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Survivor.

ROMERO [Aside.]:
Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

JULIET:
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.
That and the blood thirsty zombies afoot.
Trapping us forever in this labyrinth,
Of food courts, broken bathrooms, and the gap
The only humans alive.
What's in a brain? That which we could call head cheese
By any other word would be just as disgusting on toast.
So Romero would, were he not Romero called,
Retain that dear putrefaction which he owes
Without that bite. Romeo, doff thy urge;
And for thy decay which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.

ROMERO:
I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love, and I'll be newly transformed;
Henceforth I never will be Romero.

JULIET:
What man art thou, that, thus bescreened in night,
So stumblest on my sentinel

ROMERO:
By a breed
I know not how to tell thee who I am.
My hunger, dear saint, is an affliction to me
And if left to my own I would but nibble your ear.

JULIET:
My gun has not yet banished a hundred immortals
To the grave they dare to leave, yet it knows you
Art thou not Romero, and very Zombified?

ROMERO:
Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike.

JULIET:
How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?
The Yonkers walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my kinsmen find thee here.

ROMERO:
With famine's light wings did I o'erperch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold hunger out,
And what brains can do, that dares zombie attempt.
Therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to me.

JULIET:
If you come any closer, the gun will murder thee.

ROMERO:
Alack, there lies no peril in thine eye
For I have already feasted upon your kinsmen brains,
And now I hunger for Juliet-a mode.

JULIET:
I would not dare if I were you.

*shoots Romero in the head ending the play early so we can all go home before our butts fall asleep*

Spicing up Poetry

The Road Not Taken*
by Robert Frost (with a few surprises added by me).

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where a zombie stood in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Imposing over stood trolls in a pair;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
Tempting with treasures of the pick.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
And knowing just what would allay,
I unsheathed my boom stick.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I shot the zombies in the eye,
And that has made all the difference.

*Many apologizes to Mr. Frost and anyone else who likes the poem, poetry in genera or speaks English. This just came out while playing a game and well it did make a it a bit more exciting after all, right?

Yeah I'll go burn myself now for being a heretic.