Monday, July 6, 2009

Romero & Juliet: Star-crossed zombies

*In continuing my bastardization of classics by including zombies I present the most overdone and misunderstood Shakespeare play "Romeo & Juliet" (Taylor Swift I'm looking at you).

O Romero, Romero! Wherefore art thou Romero?
Deny thy hunger and refuse thy fiend;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Survivor.

ROMERO [Aside.]:
Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.
That and the blood thirsty zombies afoot.
Trapping us forever in this labyrinth,
Of food courts, broken bathrooms, and the gap
The only humans alive.
What's in a brain? That which we could call head cheese
By any other word would be just as disgusting on toast.
So Romero would, were he not Romero called,
Retain that dear putrefaction which he owes
Without that bite. Romeo, doff thy urge;
And for thy decay which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.

I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love, and I'll be newly transformed;
Henceforth I never will be Romero.

What man art thou, that, thus bescreened in night,
So stumblest on my sentinel

By a breed
I know not how to tell thee who I am.
My hunger, dear saint, is an affliction to me
And if left to my own I would but nibble your ear.

My gun has not yet banished a hundred immortals
To the grave they dare to leave, yet it knows you
Art thou not Romero, and very Zombified?

Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike.

How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?
The Yonkers walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my kinsmen find thee here.

With famine's light wings did I o'erperch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold hunger out,
And what brains can do, that dares zombie attempt.
Therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to me.

If you come any closer, the gun will murder thee.

Alack, there lies no peril in thine eye
For I have already feasted upon your kinsmen brains,
And now I hunger for Juliet-a mode.

I would not dare if I were you.

*shoots Romero in the head ending the play early so we can all go home before our butts fall asleep*