Wednesday, March 26, 2008

MST3K of a Lousy LOTR Fic

While bored out of my mind in Highschool I used to whittle some hours away MSTing some bad fanfic. It got so weird at some points people were sending me things of their to MSTie.

This is probably my all time favorite, but warning it's incredibly long.

MST3K of a Lousy LOTR Fic

by blablover5

How the heart listens

Servo::By asking something with ears.

by Carrie-of-Pirate-Swoop

Crow::Coauthored by Blackbeard and Long John Silver


Aragorn and Legolas were taking a short break from bringing things
inside all day.

Mike::Apparently Gandalf was moving.

Crow::(Aragorn)God damn Grey bastard. Next time I ask him for a favor,beat me upside the head with his staff.

Aragorn was smoking a pipe sitting by the fountain and Legolas was on the grass near him staring at him.

Servo::(Legolas)Aragorn, why aren’t we doing something to save Middle-Earth?

Crow::(Aragorn)Hey, I didn’t join up with the Federation of Local Rangers union to never have a break. Besides, I already did my hour and a half of work today.

"Is something wrong Legolas? Why do you stare?"

Mike::(Legolas)I think the better question is why can’t you talk?

Crow::(Aragorn)Maybe it was one to many Orcs to the head. Hey Legolas, why do you speak?

Aragorn asked quick to raise his eyebrows,

"Nothing, nothing." Legolas answered. For the nothing he was staring at was the pendant Aragorn wore around his neck.

Mike::(Aragorn)Look dude, you’re creeping me out. For the love of Iluvatar, stop staring at my neck.

Servo::(Legolas)Ah come on, that necklace does nothing for your complexion. You won’t even notice it’s missing.

The pendant of Arwen, the pendant binding him to her in an everlasting bond.

Mike::The pendant that had a GPS monitoring system in it so Arwen would know his movements every second of every day.

He had been wondering what it was like to wear a pendant of an Elven maiden.

Crow::Sometimes he even wondered what it was like to wear the underwear of an elven maiden.

Legolas had never known love. He had never known a woman's touch to be true, and loving.

Servo::He was a chain smoking, 5,000 bucks a year, mud covered loser.

Mike::Well just look at him, he spends all his time sitting on his butt staring at Aragorn. That job doesn’t scream casanova.

He had just never found someone he had ever wanted to love.

Crow::But since he’s immortal and all, he’s in no rush.

"What is like to be in love?

Mike::Is like when English teacher become violent and bang her head on desk?

To wear her pendant?" Legolas asked, stunned that the words had come from his own mouth.

Servo::(Legolas) Yeah, you two bit jewelry wearing freak. You know without me you probably would have bit the dust two feet out of Rivendell. Man these things just keep coming out of my mouth.

"Strange that you ask, but I will answer anyway.

Mike::What the hell.

To be in love is a natural part of life, once you have it, you can't live without it.

Crow::Yes love is just like fiber and urination.

It's more magical than all the magical rings combined.

Servo::Well okay, maybe just Nenya.

To wear her pendant is only a symbol of our love, and it's mine, and no one else's business about my pendant,

Crow::(Aragorn)So if you ask me about my jewelry wearing tendencies again, I’m gonna have to smash your face in with my boot.

all though I still owe it to you that you kept my pendant after I took that fall (in two towers).

Mike::Ah, so it’s Peter Jackson’s movie version of what happened in Middle Earth.

Servo::Hell I don’t care as long as the Ewoks don’t show up.

Why do you ask Legolas?" Aragorn had fallen back trying to explain the wonders of his love for Arwen to Legolas, but this question of his made him raise his eyebrows.

Mike::So far the only work I’ve seen Aragorn do is pick up his eyebrows and put them back down again.

"I really couldn't tell you Aragorn." Legolas answered.

Servo::(Legolas)I keep going up to people and asking them questions for no good reason. I really need help.

"You have never known love, have you?" Aragorn said sitting up, looking upon his friend.

Crow::(Aragorn)Ha ha, loser.

"No I have not, majesty." Legolas answered.

Mike::Don’t tell me, Aragorn just raised his eyebrows.

"I thought I told you to stop calling me that? Aragorn is good enough for me"

Crow::(Aragorn)Elessar is an icky name.

Aragorn said, slipping into elf tongue.


Crow::Wait, wait I think that meant he was speaking elvish.

Servo::Oh thank God!

"You will love eventually Legolas. Once you find her." Aragorn said.

Mike::(Arwen)Hey you lazy bastards, why don’t you try using those useless arms to actually do some work.

Crow::(Aragorn)Bite me you old hag, anyway, what was I saying about love?

"I suppose." Legolas said, following along in his own tongue.

Servo::As opposed to using the Orc tongue he stole a few days earlier.

"Say, will you be attending the archery tournament in three days?" Aragorn asked.

Mike::(Legolas)Yeah, it’s the only way I can get Gimli to be the target.

"Why? Trying to keep me from winning no doubt." Legolas answered.

Crow::(Aragorn)You know, shouldn’t you be building a boat.

Servo::(Legolas)Hey, I don’t see you restoring Middle Earth to its glory?

Crow::(Aragorn)Bite me.

"Well I was wondering if I should still have it, since I already know the outcome." Aragorn joked.

Mike::You know just like last time, you end up shooting all of your competitors in the thigh so you automatically win.

Servo::If King Richard shows up I’m leaving.

"Have it anyway, I need something to keep me busy." Legolas closed his eyes and started to let his elf senses kick in.

Mike::He really needs to lay off the beef and bean quesadillas.

"Yes, for what? A good ten minutes maybe?" And the two friends laughed. They kept making wonderful jokes about it when Arwen came to find the King of Gondor.

Crow::(Arwen)The cat threw up on the rug again.

Legolas quietly slipped out to let them be alone.

Servo::while he looted the castle.

The two shared a small kiss (much to Legolas' annoyance. You see, he was hidden behind a stone pillar watching)

Mike::Legolas, the most wanted pervert in Middle Earth.

than sat by the fountain.

"A new lady is coming to court."

"And this is suppose to effect me how?" answered Aragorn.

Crow::(Aragorn)For the last time, Eowyn and I are just friends!

Too many ladies have come to court over the past month anyway.

Servo::That’s what happens when you invite the WNBA to a feast.

Legolas, seeing as how this conversation was of no interest to him walked away to go find a tree to climb.

Crow::Apparently Legolas is slowly turning into a lemur of some sort.

Mike::The next thing you know, he’s gonna start flinging his waste at passersby.

Too bad, as he would've been very interested in the next part.

Servo::But he was too busy peeping in on Faramir as he swung around on branches and dug into fruit.

"Because you are going to help me set her up with Legolas." Arwen smiled an evil, vicious plotting smile.

Crow::(Aragorn)Shouldn’t you be doing something better than sitting around plotting about how to ruin someone’s life?

Mike::(Arwen)Look who’s talking.

"Please tell me she's at least an elf." Aragorn said. The last time he had agreed to this, he ended up getting his friend a male dwarf stalker, who thought Legolas was a girl.

Servo::You’d think Aragorn could have remembered what Gimli looked like, but he has taken a few too many hits to the noggin after all.

"Well I only know she's half elvish.

Mike::Of course she is.

Crow::Oh man, and I just ran out of Mary Sue repellent.

I wouldn't know. She never told me what race she was.

Servo::And I’m too damn busy plotting and scheming to look at her, or even use one of my brain cells to think.

I don't know if she's told anyone. I think Mithrandir (I think
that's Gandalf, I can't be sure)

Mike::Man, Arwen really doesn’t have a clue about much does she?

Crow::Well she did marry Aragorn, so she’d have to be a few crayons short of a rainbow.

knows, but one can never be too sure. I'm sure it's a girl, and either human or elf that's for sure.

Servo::(Arwen)Emu, perhaps.

After all she's as tall as you Aragorn." Arwen sighed, thinking of her long time friend.

Mike::Oh boy.

Servo::This isn’t slash right? RIGHT?!!

She took Aragorn's gaze into her own.

Mike::(Arwen)Give me that, it’s not like you’re gonna use it!

"I don't know Arwen.." Aragorn held her gaze intently.

Crow::(Aragorn)If you’re going to take my gaze, then I’m gonna steal yours.

"Well than...I know she's going to compete in the archery tournament- why don't we let them meet there,

Servo::ARG! If we already know what’s going to happen can we leave?

and then we'll decided to get them involved or not. Please?" Arwen changed her eyes into those of a sad, small animal, and normally could get what she wanted.

Mike::So Arwen steals animal’s eyes as well as people’s gazes.

Crow::She has some serious issues with sight.

"Alright. We'll see after the tournament." Aragorn said.

Servo::(Aragorn)Anyway, I need to go feed Pippin and Merry. And some day we need to figure out why everyone is turning into animals.


*The Archery Tournament, 3 Days Later* (Starting from OC's POV)

Mike::This could be interesting. An entire story from the point of view of two arabic letters.

The fields were alive with green in the stadium of Gondor.

Crow::The entire Ent population had dropped by to watch the fire archery tournament. Unfortunately, it all ended in horrific tragedy.

The targets had all been freshly woven, and ready to take in the arrows sting.

Servo::So in this archery contest the arrows taunt the targets?

/Time to win myself an archery tournament/ thought Vianene (Vi-a-neene)
as she stepped onto the field.

Mike::Off the field!

Crow::(Via)Pfft Pfft! Ugh!

Mike::Cleanup in lane 3.

A quick scout of who was here would be taken in quickly.

Servo::That is, it would have been taken in except for the fact that she'd had her eyes shot out a few years earlier in another archery accident.

/So who's the competition, I wonder.. /

There was a huddle of three dwarfs. /They could use a pair of scissors/ thought Via.

Crow::A soon as I invent them.

They all had beards and hair that reached the ground. /Hmmm..I wonder how much their hair gets in the way when shooting archery/ Via said to herself.

Mike::(Via)Jeez, I seem to be talking to myself a lot, and I can’t really seem to find my way off of the field.

Then she spotted a group of humans. They were all male, that was the first thing she noted.

Servo::Really, I would have figured the first thing she would have noted
would have been the smell.

Crow::Yeah, I wish they would invent the bath before a pair of scissors.

She then took in their appearance. The four humans were all burly, steady, and strong.

Mike::So caricature, caricature, caricature, and caricature.

/Nope, their fingers are all very fat, they're probably sweaty too..Ew/ She thought.

Servo::And they’ve got beards too, ick.

Mike::Since when does having fat fingers affect how well a person can shoot a bow?

Crow::You’d know a lot about fat fingers wouldn’t you Mike?

Mike::Shut up.

She then spotted the one sole being that would be her competition.

Servo::It was a size 9 and a half red pump, and the thing looked like it was ready for trouble.

He was an elf. /Not bad looking/ Via allowed herself to admit.

Crow::Unlike those degenerate dung beetles occasionally called men over there.

He had blonde hair (You guys already know who it is I think, but
I'll continue with this anyway)

Mike::Is there some little alien flying around inserting these ideas into people’s heads?

Servo::I always wondered what happened to Gazoo since The Flinstone’s

that was tucked behind his ears, and had the top of it pulled back and tied.

Crow::(Legolas) Ow, God damn Aragorn. That is the last time I fall asleep at his place. The bastard just had to stick all of his gum in my hair.

/Wow this is a first. Someone who can actually match my first shot/ Vianene smirked.

Mike::There’s someone who can shoot as bad as her?

(Continuing From Legolas' POV)

I had scanned the challengers. Seven Dwarves, Three Men.

Servo::All for only a dollar and 97 cents.

No big surprise. But then she walked in.

Crow::It was Arwen. She was carrying a bloody knife and had a scheming look in her eye.

Mike::(Arwen)Now we’ll see who’s the King of Gondor.

Her entrance was gracefully, swift, and all around beautiful.

Servo::Yes, she had flown in on a shell being carried by two seraphs.

I had to assume that she was an elf. The only thing that puzzled me was why she kept her ears covered with her hair.

Crow::And the fact that she was stumbling around where people were shooting didn’t alarm you at all?

It wasn't normal.

Mike::No it’s a fanfic.

Most elves kept their hair tucked back, but she didn't.

Servo::Maybe she’s just a little sensitive about her ears and would not like to be reminded of them every single moment.

Her hair was like mahogany strung and threaded with white.

Crow::She only had enough bleach to dye half of it.

Mike::It looks like a bloody skunk!

It was like soft silk combined with a place winter frost.

Servo::You know any place winter frost, doesn’t really matter.

Her face was strong and confident. Beautiful, yet forced into containment, held back, as if she wasn't revealing all she could.

Crow::So she was constipated, but could only say her name for fear of losing it all?

I realized I was gaping at her beauty, and quickly returned my attention to cleaning my bow.

Mike::Oh, so that’s what they call it now.

"Would all the contestants please line up on the shooting line?"

Servo::Hey you, blind constipated lady, get off the field!

Announced the herald. Time to win another archery tournament thought Legolas. He got up and got in line.

Crow::Actually he ended up in line for the DMV, but he was too busy "cleaning his bow" to notice.

She's standing next to me. Good. I might have a chance to introduce myself. Maybe ensure that she's a elf.

Mike::I know, I’ll smack her in the forehead and rip her hair out so I can get a glance at her ears.

"AIM!" Screamed the herald.

Servo::(Herald assistant)Do you have to scream?


Servo::(Herald assistant)Your screaming could wake the dead.


Or at least, it sounded like screaming to an elf that was standing a meter and a half away from him.

Mike::Why were they standing that close?

Servo::Apparently Aragorn could only give them about twenty feet in which to have their entire contest.

Crow::It’s gonna be a boring competition.

Legolas took aim. He noticed that the maiden he had gaped at earlier was also a well established archer, baised on how she took aim.

Mike::Too bad she was pointing the arrow behind her toward the stands.

(Continuing from Vianene's POV)

Servo::God, I’m getting whiplash.

/I took aim with my eyes, then my hands.

Crow::Then my toes, and finally my spleen.

As always. I noticed that the elf, my supposed competition, was also taking aim in a very elvish way.

Mike::And what the hell does that look like?

Servo::I’ll bet he eats elvishly, drinks elvishly, burps elvishly, and scratches himself elvishly.

He must be high in authority. Oooh, intimdating./ Vianene laughed.

Crow::And as she laughed her arrow slipped and flew into the crowd.

Mike::(Herald)Someone has killed the minstrel.


"FIRE!" The herald yelled again.

Servo::ACK! Not at me!

Did he really have to yell like that? I mean if my mother hadn't been an elf, and I didn't have elvish ears, eyes and feet, then it might've been okay, but honestly?

Mike::Wow, backstory landslide there.

Crow::(Via)I really should think about giving back those body parts one of these days.

I loosened and my arrow flew, exactly how I wanted it to.

Servo::Right into the throat of that elf.

Landed on that little yellow dot, the one it was destined to land on.

I noticed that the elf's arrow also landed precisely on the little yellow dot.

Mike::Too bad the little yellow dot wasn’t the center of the target and was instead a pimple on the local Balrog.

Damm him. I noted that the dwarves came closer to the outer blue ring, and that the men came near the red surrounding the yellow. Ha ha, they're not going anywhere.

Crow::Why? When someone misses the target does he get thrown into the dungeon or something?

Mike::I’m really starting to question Aragorn’s ability to govern any type of land mass.

They removed all targets but one. We would fire in our own timing now, and on the same target, him and me. Well than he can go first.

"After you milady." He said.

Crow::(Aragorn)Yeah I’ll milady you ya damn pixie.

Servo::(Legolas)I was talking to her.


Oh so polite, like a prince. He could've bowed and been less polite. Yeesh, these people these days. Do they know nothing?

Mike::Well yes, but you’re no peach yourself missy.

Crow::Someone needs a timeout.

"I think not. You shall shoot first." I replied, only wanting to run him down.

Servo::(Legolas)No you go first.

Mike::(Via)No you.




Crow::(Aragorn)If you don’t get on with it, I’m gonna shoot you both!

"As the lady wishes." There's that polite crap again.

Mike::Yeah Legolas just keeps shoveling out steaming pile after steaming pile of kindness.

He turned and shot, as was customary.

Servo::As opposed to placing the bow over the top of his head and trying to hula hoop with it.

The yellow again. It's too bad my shot was going to be more precise that his.

Crow::Then, I mean than dear, it’s than.

He bowed towards me. I will shoot him if he's like this if I ever talk to him.

Mike::So when she talks arrows shoot out of her mouth?

Servo::Now I gotta see that.

I turned and aimed with my eyes,

Crow::How exactly does a person train his eyes to pull back a bow?

Mike::Tai Bo?

my traditional shot set. I could do this in an instant, but annoying pretty boy over than was more of a priority right now.

Servo::Yes seeing as how he was just standing there breathing and all.

I took about seven minutes to ready my bow.

Mike::(Aragorn)Do you have to varnish your bow now?

Soon afterwards, I fired, and what a shot it was.

Crow::It got two people in the throat and a third in the thigh.

I had released,

Mike::Released what?

Servo::For the love of God constipated Lady, keep a hold of everything.

and I knew the shot was going to make him gasp. When my arrow fired I followed it to the target.

Crow::So she fired the arrow twice then ran after it onto the field?

Mike::And the winner is, the crazy lady who just got shot by five other arrows.

Servo::(Via)Yea, ugh.

When it reached the designated area I laughed. My wooden arrow went right through his, splitting his in half.

Crow::It was a patriot arrow!

Mike::Kevin Costner must be spinning in his grave.

Making myself the winner.

Servo::Finishing a sentence. Can be hard. Without using. Lots of periods.

I bowed, as if to mock him.

Crow::Really, because I think your laughing could have done just fine.

He was staring from the target to me, quickly, but astonished.

Mike::Then sickly, exhausted, uninterestedly, parched, and finally choppily.

I walked started to walk out of the stadium,

Servo::She keeps doing something and then doing it again.

Crow::Okay, who keeps hitting the stop button and then pushing play?

full of awestruck people. I noted that one person did not have their jaw dropped to the floor: Arwen.

Mike::She was too busy smacking Aragorn in the head and threatening to kill him.

Crow::(Arwen)I could have been the Queen of Scotland, but oh no my husband’s too much of a weenie. I should have married Banquo.

Well that's no big deal. She had seen me shoot before. I'd never lost before, I wasn't starting now.

Servo::(Via)But then again I spend so much of my time repeating my actions I’ve only been able to enter one contest.

Her husband..what was his name again? Aradorn?

Crow::What does Arwen always call him? Oh yeah, useless sack of flour, that’s right.

Maybe that was it.oh well I can't remember. I would've made it out of the stadium with my stocky walk, but that stupid herald caught up to me.

Mike::(Via)Damn it, next time I’ll shoot him in the leg and not in the arm.

"Milady" he said, puffing through harsh breaths from trying to catch me. "We must present you as the winner."

"Ugg." I groaned. Why do they do this? It only advertises me.

Servo::So she had only joined the contest so she could run around aimlessly shooting people and repeating her actions only to scamper off back into Mary Sue land?

Oh well, that elf I beat probably wants to know who I am anyway.

Crow::Most likely so he can avoid having you on his side should another war ever break out.

I was led up the boring, dreary, grey pillar.

Mike::And next up in the Middle Earth Olympics, the climbing large pillar event. Everyone get their pitons ready.

The grey reminded me of Gandalf's hat.

Servo::Gandalf is the Warren Beatty of Middle Earth.

I don't know why.

"May I present the winner of our competition..." He paused and turned to me and whispered. "Madam, I do not know your name."

"I am Vianene, daughter of Viraelle." I sighed. Yes, let's bring back the bad memories.

Crow::(Via)God my parents had stupid names.

"May I present Vianene, daughter of Viraelle-your winner!" The herald spoke to the crowd. "And you're second place winner, Prince of Mirkwood, Legolas!"

Mike::Legolas has apparently been busy.

Servo::He was just waiting for Aragorn to turn his back before he started terrorizing little towns and scraps of land, claiming he was their prince and warlord.

He announced. he is a prince. I'll remember that if I ever have to see him again.

Crow::Oh please don’t let her see him again. Come on, act of God, Russian invasion, anything!

Too bad Arwen's making me stay for a week and a half, or else I'd be out of here faster than my arrow's fly.

Mike::So you’d be stuck there for, what, a week or so anyway.

I noticed the crowd was cheering madly.


Crow::(Crowd)We don’t have to watch anymore boring archery!

Mike::(Crowd)It’s worse than having to watch golf!

Oh well, I'm going to the palace, somewhere where I can just find Gandalf, someone I like talking to.

Servo::So she climbed down the pillar once, then did it again while Aragorn fell asleep in his chair and Legolas scurried up a tree.

(Continuing from Legolas' POV)

Wow! I mean wow! I can't believe I lost-I've never lost.

Crow::I mean I’ve bribed over twenty judges to keep from losing. Maybe next time I should use some of Smaug’s treasure I took when I overthrew Laketown.

Apparently, she hasn't either. Vianene, a pretty name. But where have I heard the name Viraelle before?

Mike::The great Vorelli?

Servo::Oh god, not Hugo. Anything but him!

Hmm.I shall ponder this, and I shall find out who she is.

Crow::Apparently Legolas has no emotions whatsoever.

Mike::It makes up for Via being such a loose cannon.


(All in Via's Point of View)

Servo::I’d like to believe you really I would, but you’ve lied to us before little green martian.

As I came upon the room for which I was staying in.

Crow::Flying monkeys came out of no where and carried me off to Orthanc.

I walked inside and viewed the surroundings.

Arwen did have much taste.

Mike::But since Ecthelion had been built way before she came upon the scene it really doesn’t matter here.

The room was exactly to my liking, not dull, yet not ornate.

Servo::So the walls had big red polka dot’s on them, but the furniture came from a monk’s garage sale.

It was full of blues and greens, some browns,

Crow::Ah that was just the remnants from Aragorn’s drunken bash last Friday night.

and very simple, yet complex. Alas, it was perfect.

Mike::(Via)God damn it, why must everyone around me be perfect?

I sat on the floor, the wondrous floor. It was a lovely place to sit, eat, think, drink and be merry.


Crow::Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we shall lay carpet.

After all I sleep upon the floor; I may as well conduct my other activities upon it.

Mike::(Via)You know composing pointless songs, overthrowing China, and knitting.


Mike::Everyone needs a hobby.

I heard a knock on the large wooden door at the side of the room.

Crow::I love being in places that just have a floor and multi colored walls. It reminds of what it’s like to be drunk every second of every day.

I sifted my head in that direction.

Servo::That’s the last time I make my head out of sand.

Now whom I wonder would that be?

Mike::It’s who.

Crow::No, no I think it would be whom

Mike::Why would it be whom? Whom are you? That makes no sense.

Servo::Maybe it’s what?


Servo::I, mean, uh, maybe.

I got up and walked to the door to greet my visitor. Do not let it be Arwen. Do not let it be Arwen.

Mike::God, don’t let it be my only friend in the world.

I shall see her tomorrow, when I come and present myself before their majesties.

Crow::That’s assuming they find Aragorn before then.

I opened the door, to find the one person I wanted to see most: Gandalf.

"Come in old friend." I greeted him with a warm beam.

Servo::That’s nice that she’s performing RK surgery for him, but I think his eyesight is fine.

He walked in, his long robe flowing behind him.

Mike::Maybe he should think about putting it on. I mean, wandering around naked in a castle has got to be cold.

I beckoned to the table, the one I found comfortably, homely.

Crow::You know, the floor.

He took a chair, and I sat at his side.

"It is good to see you again. I missed having someone to talk to. "

Servo::(Gandalf)God Galadriel cannot shut up, just yak yak yak. And Elrond’s no peach himself. I swear his voice just makes me want to stab him through the heart with my staff.

"And I missed you as well Mithrandir."

Mike::(Via)Come on Gandalf, won’t you tell me your real name.


Mike::(Via)What if I guess? Is it Gary?

Crow::(Gandalf)For the last time no.

I tossed my hair aside. He's seen my ears before; it is a relief to not have to hide them from him.

Servo::Gandalf must have one hell of a strong stomach to handle looking at those things.

He was one of the three living people who had seen my ears.

Mike::I’m beginning to smell a plot device where whoever looks at her ears gets killed.

Crow::Then shouldn’t she kill herself?

"I was watching the archery tournament, and I saw how you treated Legolas."

Servo::Hitting him left and right in the head with your quiver.

Mike::(Via)Hey, he’s not the only one who’ll do whatever it takes to win.

Alas, he did know as much as there was to know about anything.

Crow::Um, do we know everything there is to know?

Servo::No, and frankly I’d like to keep it that way. Bye.

Mike::No no, get back here.

"I am afraid you know that I have never been used to politeness." I replied, almost knowing exactly what was going to come next.

Crow::But not quite knowing the third word he was going to say.

"That may be so, but you know you did not have to mock him!" He said in a stern voice.

"Gandalf, living with orcs for thirteen years,

Servo::She was one of those few first elves that Morgoth tried to turn into Orcs. Turns out she was too stupid take the hint.

as I have done, does not give you a sense of respect or politeness!"

Mike::But it does teach you how to sharpen your teeth into nice points.

"You don't think I know that? But did you have to bow?" Gandalf raised his eyebrows.

Crow::Hey, that’s really Aragorn in disguise.

"But of course I did. How was I supposed to know he was a prince? What kind of normal person bows?" I inquired.

Servo::Because as everyone knows once you bow you instantly know the royalty status of the person in question.

"A lot of people do! I grow weary from speaking of this subject. Where did you go after I left? When I got back you were long gone."

Mike::For the love of God, stop with the questions.

Crow::Apparently after the issues with the ring, Gandalf got himself a job as a police interrogator.

"I went to travel for a while. I ended up traveling with a pack of rangers for half a year,

Servo::That was before I realized they were really a pack of wolves and they ripped out my throat. True story.

then I left to go stay in Fangorn Forest for a while, and I visited Tom Bombadil.

Mike::She visited Tom Bombadil while she was hanging out in Fangorn

Crow::Apparently she can bi-locate

Servo::Do not even suggest that.

I stayed in Rivendell and Lorien for well over a year.

Mike::(Via)Of course there a year is really ten or something like that, so I think I’m still there. Oh and I also dropped by and said hi to Cîrdan too.

And I found traveling alone was not the most pleasant experience." I grimaced. I am not a renegade for nothing. I think a ranger's life is more appealing to a renegade's.

Crow::To sum up Rangers are renegades.

But here I am, stuck in court.

Servo::(Via)I don’t even like basketball.

"Ah, sounds like you have been busy over the last few years. But I suppose it seems a rather short time compared to your life span."

Mike::Of course I could still kick yer ass.

I chuckled.

"Mithrandir, you know very well that my 3000 years upon this Earth have not been the easiest of times." I smiled bleakly at him.

"You do not wish to remain here for the time you have imposed with do you?"

Crow::What the hell does that mean?

Servo::I’m not sure but I think Aragorn just admitted that he’s an impostor.

He said, letting his shoulders loosen.

Mike::(Gandalf)Ah man, do you have a screwdriver I can use?

"You see right through me old friend.

Crow::Oh great, so she can become invisible now too.

I will explore the forests many time over this next week.

Mike::(Via)For long time I have walked path that lead to shooting arrows, but finally I see error in ways and no longer will I bow.

But you are correct; high court is not the place for me. I was thinking of going to visit Eomer after leaving."

Servo::So she hates court but she’s going to go and visit the King of Rohan?

I started walking around the room, finding the table and floors were the best spots, except for the one window over by the back of the room.

Crow::Was she prepping the room for any reason?

Servo::It’s Trading Realities, the only show where neighbors from different dimensions trade homes and remodel rooms.

"So I can see. Your father hasn't" Gandalf started, only to have me cut him off.

Crow::(Gandalf)As I was saying, your father hasn’t eaten that lasagna I sent him has he? Turns out the damn thing was made with tainted beef.

"No he hasn't contacted me, or tried anything, and I pray he never does." I glanced.

Mike::Really because I could have sworn she said something.

Servo::No, no that was all in your imagination, all she did was glance.

My father was too unacceptable to be a father.

Mike::His sperm were losers.

"You know that you cannot control how he is." Mithrandir spoke gentle words to calm my anger.

Crow::(Gandalf)I mean I could, but I’ve just got too much going on to really help.

"Of course I know that, but after Mother.." I trailed off not willing to finish the sentence.

"I know, I know."

Servo::You know if I got up and made a sandwich by growing my own vegetables, raising the livestock, and milling the wheat for the bread do you think I’d miss anything?

He had gotten up and placed his hand upon my shoulder, like the father I'd never have, the father I didn't want to have.

Mike::(Via)The father that died under mysterious circumstances.

I wanted to do nothing at that moment except turn into him and cry, like the friend I had,

Crow::(Via)I swear my friend just can’t stop crying. I’m worried she might die of dehydration.

but I couldn't cry. I wouldn't.

"What are your plans for tomorrow?" He whispered softly to me.

Servo::Ah, I think I’ll sleep until high morrow then I’ll just bum around in my room sitting on every square inch of floor.

"I am going to be presented to the court tomorrow before their majesties." I sniffed back tears.

Mike::(Via)I don’t want to have to look at Aragorn.

"Well please be polite in front of them." Gandalf chuckled. I chuckled along with him.

Crow::Finally the weed had kicked in.

"I would never be rude to Arwen, she has been my friend through many times, and she has aided me always, never thwarting me."

Servo::Well except for that one time when she thwarted me at pinball but that’s it.

I smiled recalling our friendship.

"Of course you wouldn't. This reminds me, I have something for you. Follow me please."

Crow::(Gandalf)It’s another ring I found sitting in some cave that gives the owner amazing powers. I’m sure it’ll be fine if I just leave it here with you for half a century.

He swiftly turned around and in a single motion opened the near by door and fled.

Mike::(Via)Wait, where are you going?

Servo::(Gandalf)Wouldn’t you like to know!

I followed.

I followed him down several corridors until we reached a corridor.

Mike::So let me get this straight she followed him down a corridor until they came to a corridor which she followed him down, and the thing she followed him down was a corridor.

I fiddled with my pendant the whole way there, as I was somewhat bored of silence.

Crow::Typically the pendant wouldn’t make much noise but I had attached a dozen or so jingle bells to keep myself entertained.

When I reached the room I was quickly ushered inside.

"Stay a minute, while I get it from the back room."

Servo::Gandalf’s just going to give her his old golf clubs.

For where Gandalf was staying was a connection of several rooms and doors, each one leading onto another.

Mike::Each room more pointless and drab than the next!

It took him a few minutes to return, but I didn't mind.

Crow::(Via)The less time I was stuck being around that smelly ape, the better.

When he returned, he held a canvas, one that was fairly old, but at the same time, very new.

Servo::It was green but then again red.

Mike::No it was soft but hard, and smelly yet not.

I gasped when he turned it around.

Crow::(Via)Ah a piece of canvas off of the tarp you put over your cart, thank you.

"I had this done based on an image I had in my head."

Mike::And she turns evil while the portrait looks monsterous. Seen it.

Crow::But she's already evil. Maybe she's got reverse Dorian syndrome.

It was a portrait of my mother. She and Mithrandir had been close, and he must have had to go to much expense to have this done.

Servo::Actually he managed to find some two bit artist who was willing to do it for practically nothing.

"'s breathtaking, I can't believe it was really my mother" I startled.

Crow::(Gandalf)What are you talking about, that’s your father.

Mike::That explains so much.

"I want you to have it, because I have to make sure that you understand that I am truly sorry about introducing."

Servo::(Gandalf)you to anyone I know.

I once again cut him off.

Crow::Jeez, Gandalf can’t get in two words can he?

"I know, I know." I walked over to Mithrandir and gave him a large hug.

"Well you know you resemble her so much, it's yours by right anyway." He smiled warmly at me.

"I'm so glad I get the pleasure of being your friend." I tried to return the smile.

Mike::But I accidentally misplaced the receipt.

"Come now, tis my pleasure." I held back tears, tears that I shall not shed.

Servo::Tears that I had stolen from my friend who can’t stop crying.

"I must go now." I stuttered out.

"I know." He said, bowing his head and handing me the portrait and whispered in my ear, "You have more beauty that all the ladies of court." I blushed, knowing it was not true.

Crow::Well duh.

"Gandalf." I started.

"Go." He cut me, off smiling as I left.

Servo::(Gandalf)Fly you fool.


The Grand Hall of the Gondor Court

Mike::(King of Swamp Castle)Now, we’re going to knock out this wall to make one large room . . .

I walked into the court room, dressed in green and blue. My favourite colours.

Crow::If you tell us that one more time I’m going to stab my thumb

The room was alive with many colours, purples, blues, golds, silvers, and browns.

Servo::Oh great, Gandalf had scribbled something on the door so a bandwagon of dwarves had shown up.

Mike::Someone hide the Hobbits!

It was well.

Crow::Sure it was.

Servo::Actually it was sprinkler system.

The lengthy room held many people, most belonging to the court of Aragorn.

Mike::But since he only owns the Clippers it’s not a real big deal.

I saw many men with swords, many in mail, and several of the "court beauties."

Crow::Also in mail and carrying swords.

Servo::It was a coup to overthrow Aragorn.

Mike::(Aragorn)Et tu Gimli?

Mayhap I was not among this crowd, but either way, I was my own person, I did not need to appeal to them.

Crow::So I really didn’t need Mayhap telling me how to behave among these people.

"Your majesties, I have the pleasure of entering your court."

Servo::(Arwen)If you can make this jump shot then you may remain.

Mike::Okay, I think that’s enough basketball jokes, guys.

I bowed towards the king and queen of Gondor, accepting their acceptance.

Crow::So she was trying to figure out their royal status by bowing again? I thought she already knew that.

Aragorn bowed his head towards me, and Arwen left her chair to greet me.

Mike::(Arwen)God Aragorn, lay off the franks ‘n’ beans.

"My friend Vianene, you are welcome to our court anytime. Come." She instructed me.

Crow::(Arwen)Sit. Stay. Good Girl, you get a biscuit.

Arwen bowed at Aragorn, and he bowed his head in acceptance.

Servo::Then Via bowed to Gandalf, and Legolas bowed to Gimli, and Treebeard bowed to Sauron, and Sauron bowed before killing them all.

She led me through the palace walking and asking questions all at once.

Crow::(Aragorn)Hey Arwen we still have about twenty more of these introduction things to get through today.

Servo::(Arwen)Do it yourself.

Crow::(Aragorn)I'm too old for this shit.

"So how has the road been?" Was one of her first questions.

Mike::Followed closely by the question, "What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"Well traveled I must say.

Servo::(Via)There was so much manure on the road I’d think this place would be overrun with cattle.

Your people are indeed gracious." My hands fell to the sides for I had no use for them.

Mike::(Via)You heard me, I was sick and tired of picking things up and using my hands to eat, smack people, and shoot arrows.

"I find that many a time. I wanted to congratulate you about the archery tournament." She smiled bleakly at me.

Crow::But since I bet on Legolas, you owe me 30 large.

"Don't-I only do it to find out who's out there-it's not for publicity.

Servo::Next time just try the phone book.

But your elf boy over there's got some game,

Mike::Ah, what did I say about basketball jokes?

Crow::Oh, but we have so many.

Servo::You’re no fun!

if he practiced a little bit more." I laughed at the very thought of him.

Mike::(Via)Bowing, breathing, picking his teeth. God, he’s hilarious.

"Elf boy? Practice? Via, Prince Legolas was the best archer before people met you. He doesn't need practice, you, madam, have too much time."

Crow::As evident by the fact that Legolas doesn’t need practice, you have too much time.

Servo::Apparently logic does not exist in Middle Earth.

Now Arwen laughed, and I laughed along with her.

Mike::(Arwen)What was I saying again?

Crow::(Via)I don’t know but I’ve got the munchies bad. Got any goat?

"Ah but Arwen, his aim could improve, and his arrows should be strengthened so mine cannot surpass his own like that." I smiled.

"Well what do you think of him other wise?" My good friend inquired.

Servo::(Via)I think he’s a polite bastard just like everyone else, why?

"He's handsome, he's a prince, he's royal, noble, and has blonde hair. I know a grand total of that much about him." I surveyed our surroundings.

Mike::(Via)Well that and he likes to hide in trees. Hi Legolas.

"Ah, but what if you were to get to know him?" Arwen raised her eyebrows.

Crow::Oh great, now Aragorn’s dressing up as his wife.

"Arwen, I know that look in your eyes. I've seen it many a time before. So don't you dare think that I will ever be interested in the Prince of Mirkwood in any way except as a challenger!" I said. That's when I felt thepair of eyes fall on me.

Servo::It’s the mighty Thepair of eyes. Beware it never sleeps and can travel by both day and night to spy on you.


Legolas' POV


This girl was now of absolute interest to me. Only as a challenger?

Mike::(Arwen)Legolas, get down from that tree this instant.

Crow::(Arwen)I swear we just can’t keep him from peeping into windows.

Well than the challenges I say, shall not stop coming, until she sees me as an elf!

Servo::Perhaps by giving her a photocopy of my pedigree, she shall finally realize something that any normal person would have realized instantly.



An Apple a Day Makes the Doctor Come

Mike::Especially if the doctor is an apple salesman.

Servo::What the hell is that doctor doing with that apple?

(From Vianene's Point of View)

Crow::One of these days, Legolas’ point of view will be longer than three seconds, really.

When I felt those eyes upon me, I couldn't help but stop moving.

Servo::Yes I wanted to keep him from seeing me so I remained in the exact same position.

Mike::Welcome to no logic land!

I relied on my inherited senses, one of the two things I liked (along with my height) that I inherited from my father.

Crow::Although I do sometimes wish I wouldn’t have gotten his mustache.

I followed my senses until I was right in front of the eyes that were staring at me.

Servo::(Arwen)Yeah hi, I’m the person who’s been talking with you for the past ten minutes.

The eyes, unfortunately, belonged to one Prince of Mirkwood.

Mike::How many princes of mirkwood are there?

"And what, do you think you are staring at your highness?" I asked promptly.

Crow::(Legolas)How could you see me?

Servo::(Arwen)Yeah I probably should have warned you, Legolas can’t seem to keep himself out of the damn tree.

"Yourself, of course." He had a smug look on his face.

Mike::Actually it’s more like a smaug look. He is tormenting Lake Town after all.

"Well you have nine seconds to give me a good reason why you were staring at me before I remove your eyes."

Crow::And sell them on the elf body parts black market.

Your oh, so blue eyes. No! Bad thought! Bad thought!

Servo::Whoa, mood swing.

Mike::You need to take your Lithium young lady.

"Madam, you intrigue me."

"Ieikesou" Arwen coughed out. (That's he likes you)

Crow::Arwen’s fluent in little green martian language.

I turned around and glared at Arwen. I think she got the message because she slowly backed away.

Servo::(Arwen)Look out, she’s off her medication and she’s got a weapon!

"That is not a good reason." It was now my turn to look smug.

"Well than, give me an example of a good reason." He stared me down.

Mike::Well he’d have to as he was hiding in a tree and all.

"You might want to watch yourself Mr.Legolas, one might think you were trying to challenge her." I returned the stare.

Crow::Okay, who’s talking?

Servo::I don’t know. It might be Legolas, if he’s lost his mind.

Mike::I guess it could be Via we already know she’s nuts.

Crow::Or maybe Aragorn fell asleep out here and their arguing finally woke him up.

Mike::For all we know there could have been a rip in space and the Jetsons could have fallen out.

"Well than maybe that one is getting the right idea."

"Is that a challenge?"

"That depends." His gaze fell.

"On what?" I said arrogantly.

Servo::(Legolas)Do you know where to get a giant rubber tire and a can of cheese?

"Can you use blades?" His gaze returned.

Crow::(Legolas)Damn it Arwen, stop stealing people’s gazes!

"Of course I can. You wish to spar?" I lifted my eyebrows.

Mike::Oh no no no, the last thing I want to see is Middle Earth roller derby.

"Yes. How will you answer my challenge?" He lifted his eyebrows. I thought he was mocking me.

Servo::So Aragorn is Legolas now?

Crow::Aragorn must be having one hell of an identity crisis.

"Be on the green grasses of Gondor in thirty minutes. Gather as many spectators as you can." I walked away. I'd show him, he'd see how good I was.

Servo::(Legolas)Wait, you’re walking towards the cliff.

Mike::(Via)You will see how good I am at walking off cliffs, AHHH!

Servo::(Legolas)I wonder what Merry and Pippin and up to? I think I’ll
go stalk them.


(Legolas' point of view)


In twenty-five minutes I approached the green grasses only to find her deep in thought, seated on a chair.

Crow::(Via)God I want a pop tart. I could kill someone for a pop tart.

The crowds had become rather large. My good friends Aragorn, Arwen, Gimli, and Gandalf were all at the front.

Servo::(Legolas)Screaming for my blood

Well they had come to see my triumph. Good.

"It's about time you got here." She growled at me from her seat.

"Yes. Which blade shall you use?" I replied.

Mike::(Via)I think I’m going to use the butter knife I got from Long John’s Silvers last night.

Crow::(Legolas)Good, I’m gonna use my chain saw.

"My elven blades, but I require a minute to dispose of unnecessary items." She turned around, to put the "unnecessary items" on her chair.

Mike::(Via)Walkman, chicken rotisserie, the book Gross Anatomy, wingnut, and a broken violin.

I watched her, my elven blades sitting on my back. I had put my bow down earlier.

Servo::Actually he just couldn’t hula hoop and he was so mad he threw the thing down the ravine.

She wasn't removing clothing, but weapons;

Crow::Legolas just gets more and more despicable as this thing goes on, doesn’t he?

she put down several knives, blades, swords and several other things I couldn't name.

Mike::Because Arwen will wash my mouth out with soap if I do.

She first removed her bow from her back, along with her quiver. Then she took three swords from her belt, rather expensive swords I should say. Then some of the more surprising weapons came.

Servo::She had an M-16 hidden under her cloak and at least twelve grenades stashed in her pockets.

She took two daggers from their hiding place at the bottom of her shoes,

Crow::Well she tries to carry them strapped next to her ankles, but the damn things always manage to migrate down to the bottom of her shoes.

and she took two knives from under her right sleeve, and another blade from her left sleeve. She removed two more swords from her back, and four other weapons from hiding places under her back.

Mike::Talk about the last person you want going through the metal detectors right in front of you.

Was she expecting a war? And how did she manage to shoot archery, and not cut herself will all those weapons under her clothing?

"I am ready."

Servo::Oh wait wait, I still have at least one knife hidden under my
fingernails, and one stashed in my hair.

She said, at last removing two elven blades, similar to mine

Crow::In that they’re sharp and pointy and all.

from her back, keeping them in her hands. I drew my own blades.
I would fight her, and I would win.

Mike::All right what are the bets, what are the bets?

Servo::Twelve Elessars say pretty boy gets his liver torn out.

Crow::Oh yeah nine drachmas say the walking salad shooter gets driven
into the sea.

Mike::I’ve got two bits that says a pelican drops a rock onto both
of their heads, killing them instantly.

We both brought our blades down in a similar fashion.

Servo::Right into our own thighs.

Crow::(Aragorn)Stupid elves. That’s the last time I let Arwen invite
her relatives over.

I plunged with my left blade, kept my right back for defense. She did
nothing of the sort.

Mike::She threw both of her swords down onto the ground and started
to cluck like a chicken.

First she lunged at my left blade, holding in upon position.

Servo::Sir we have a blade coming within an orbiting position.

Crow::(Picard)Prepare to fir at Will.


Crow::(Picard)Oh it’s just a figure of expression.

Then she struck my left blade with her right blade, and made a
slice at my arm.

Mike::(Via)I’ll slice and dice you faster than I did to my parents.

Servo::(Legolas)You weren’t by any chance Lizze Borden in another life?

I quickly retracted by bringing up my reserved blade with my other arm,
blocking it as well.

Crow::Then I brought up a blade between my left foot’s toes and chucked
another knife at her with my teeth.

She let her left blade fall, and lunged straight at my chest.

Mike::(Via)Die! Die! Die!

Servo::(Legolas)Um, I’m over here.

Mike::(Via)Oh, then who am I killing?

Servo::(Legolas)I think that’s Faramir.

Mike::(Via)Oh, oops.

She was inches away from succeeding when I used one of my favourite

Crow::(Legolas)I broke out into song, You are so beautiful to me . .

I planted one foot inside hers and made a move ready to have my
blade reach her chest, making me the winner.

When I was just about to finish the technique, I noticed she was behind
me, and she had both of her knives against my throat.

Servo::So she was hovering over you like a witch and you thought nothing
of it?

Mike::(Via)Would someone get me down off of these wires!

She must have stepped around my inside plunge and gotten behind
me. She was the winner again. I had to admit it. I let my blades fall to
my sides when she stepped back.

Crow::(Legolas)And as soon as she had stepped back I swung my blade
around and chopped her head off.


"Well it seems I have surpassed you again, your highness." She said.

Mike::(Legolas)Bite me!

"It would appear so." I turned around to speak with her, but she had
already walked off to her weapons to re-hide them.

Servo::(Via)Ah crap, don’t you hate it when you have leftover knives
and you don’t know where to stick them?

I was flustered. I couldn't understand how her talents were so superior
to mine. I had been the best, for over 1000 years. And now she..

Crow::And with that, Via went postal and killed everyone there.

I did what I always do when I am confused.

Mike::I spent the rest of the day not finishing my sentences.

I went to the forest about an hour after cleaning up our little

Crow::(Legolas)Why do I always have to clean up around here. Oh no,
you just go off and get drunk and fall asleep in front of the fire while
I clean up all the blood.

which I noted she had fled the scene from.

I sat under one of my favourite trees, a large apple tree for which
the trunk was so large it took two men to wrap their arms completely around

Servo::I was bored one day so I decided to try it. With dwarves it takes
about three or so.

It was even taller than it was broad,

Mike::Which is why it was a tree and not a square.

and it's fruit was very tasteful. I began to sing the song of
Annisall, the one who explored women's talents,

Crow::Figures that he would have a song about Hugh Heffner.

trying to clear my head.

"And so she beat me, her talent extraordinary, Wonderful to my own,

What was it that made her so much better?

Servo::(Legolas)Maybe I should lay off the pipe weed.

Now that women are the superior.."

Mike::And. . .

Servo::Hey, as he said he doesn’t feel like finishing his sentences.


(Taking it from Via's Point of View)


While I was sleeping in a large apple tree,

Crow::I’m beginning to get the feeling that elves are actually the missing
link between humans and monkeys.

Mike::It is almost impossible to get them out of the damn trees!

I was aroused by a voice singing.

Crow::Did we slip into a cosmo magazine or something?

I looked towards the base of the tree I had been asleep in.

Servo::The damn squirrels were plotting to kill me by building a fire.

Legolas Greenleaf, you haunt me everywhere don't you?

Mike::It’s not like he’s got anything else to do.

He had a fair voice, but then again how many full elves didn't?

Crow::Next up on Fox, American Elvendol, watch as Simon Cowell insults
beings two hundred times older than he is. One of the auditions will end
in murder.

I notice several apples hanging near to my head.

Servo::A plan begins to form where in she sells the apples to the local
queen and claims they’re poisoned.

Time to arouse him; after all he disturbed my slumber.

Mike::I wish he’d stop playing his Yoko Ono records.

I picked an apple off the tree, and sat upright, placing my eyes directly
on the head of Legolas.

Crow::And still Legolas didn’t notice the fact that your face was directly
on top of his head.

I chucked as hard as I could, and heard a satisfying grunt at

Servo::Unfortunetly she throws about as good as a sloth and ended up
knocking another elf out of the tree next to her.

He rubbed his head, and returned to singing.

Mike::(Legolas)On the good ship, lolly pop, it’s a sweet trip to the
candy shop. . .

Crow::(Legolas singing)I was sitting by a tree when an apple fell from
the sky, it should have made me think there was someone in the tree, but
I’m too damn dumb to really use my brain, tra la lee, tra la la la la la

He must have thought it was an accident. Well I'd show him an

Servo::Oh god, do not tell me she’s going to start flinging her feces
at him.

Mike::I think the elves are actually de-evolving.

I another apple from the tree

Crow::And now the story is from the point of view of the apple.

and aimed and chucked again. When I heard his grunt this time, I couldn't
resist. I burst with laughter.

Servo::Yay she’s exploded.

"Who are you? Why are you throwing apples at my head?" He yelled up
at me.

Mike::(Legolas)My name is not Newton, and I don’t have time to think!

I decided I'd let him know I was his torturer.

Crow::(Via)Hey Legolas, I’m your torturer.

Servo::She’s all of our torturers.

I hopped from branch to branch, reaching the ground in a minute
or two.

Mike::(Via)I took a wrong turn at the branch at 70th and 0.

"I am your torturer your highness." The look on his face when he saw
me was too much to bear. I commenced laughing again.

Crow::And we commenced groaning again.

He had a look saying, not her again, on his face.

Mike::Then he had a look saying, I should have killed you when I had
the chance.

"Do you like getting in my way milady? It would be very easy to leave
and hunt down Saruman."

Servo::(Legolas)I’ll just higher him to kill you.

Crow::(Via)Good luck since he’s already dead.

Servo::(Legolas)Bite me.

He directed at me. I snapped to attention at mention of that name.

Mike::(Via)Look, we only went out for a week. He means nothing to me.

"Saruman the white

Crow::Apparently Saruman of many colors must have fallen into a vat
of bleach before he left Orthanc.

is no matter to be toyed with, Prince Legolas." My eyes turned
harsh cold.

Servo::Eyes:Machine wash cold with like colors.

He was about to reply to that when an orc cry was heard.

Mike::(Orc)Ah man I cut my finger on this piece of paper. Boy does that

An orc ran out of a bush

Crow::(Orc)Help, I got wasted last night at the Uruk-hai bash and I
can’t seem to find my way back to Mordor.

and snatched my waist, and threw me over his shoulder.

Servo::He’s trying to collect all of the annoying Mary Sue Lord of the
Rings characters.

He was rather swift, for an orc.

Mike::And a little odd since he was running around in the day.

When I saw Legolas about to come "rescue" me, I stopped him.

Crow::(Via)Don’t worry about it, he’s just my personal valet. On little
stinky man. Yah!

"Hey Legolas-why don't you go practice you archery?" I taunted him.
He looked so infuriated that he just stomped away,

Servo::(Legolas)Screw this, I hope that drunk orc accidentally runs
off a cliff with her.

maybe to go practice his archery. The orc ran for a while, long
enough for me to develop a strategy.

Mike::I would just fall asleep and hope he would get tired of carrying

This was the ninth kidnapping attempt on me this year,

Crow::Frankly, I’m starting to think I should just carry a fill in the
blank ransom note.

and this orc was obviously a junior.

Servo::It was only when the seniors came out that I had to start worrying.
Those guys love to torture the freshman.

"Is this your first time kidnapping someone?" I asked him in orc tongue.

"Yes." He replied, sounding surprised I could speak his language.

Mike::Mostly because she didn’t have that third tongue.

"I can tell. You're kidnapping me wrong.

Crow::See, first you need to make sure it’s night, especially since
you can’t travel by day.

Here-put me down and I'll show you how to properly kidnap me."
I stated, enunciating perfectly. The orc actually put me down. I walked
away a few inches and instructed.

Servo::Okay now try throwing apples at my head.

"Now you come at me, like you were going to ram me." I told him. I got
into position.

Mike::Was she planning on giving him a wedgie?

Crow::Next up on ESPN, Orc wrestling.

When he starting coming at me, I delivered a kick, a powerful
one, straight to his head, knocking him unconscious.

Servo::Then she threw the Orc onto her compost pile in the back.

Mike::(Via)I really do need to think about calling Rohan to get rid
of this thing for me.

I shrugged my shoulders and started heading back to the castle.

Crow::(Via)Maybe I should try throwing oranges at Legolas?


(From Legolas' Point of View)

I found her speaking with Aragorn.

Servo::Which really wasn’t surprising what with Arwen being his wife.

I was quite surprised that she made it back, apparently on her
own, without assistance.

Mike::Look Legolas I think she knows her way around the castle by now.

Crow::She is married to the owner after all.

I crept up behind her, preparing to scare her.

Servo::(Legolas)Booga Booga Booga!

Crow::(Aragorn)Oh Hi Legolas, I was just telling Arwen about you.

Mike::(Arwen)Yeah, we really need to have an intervention about your
peeping tom issues.

While she was speaking about the orc I took note that she was
exactly the same size as me , strange for most girls were usually smaller
than Aragorn, let alone taller than him.

Crow::What was even odder was that I transformed into Aragorn and then
back into myself to make that statement.

I made a motion for Aragorn, who could see me, to be quiet, for she
had yet to notice me.

When she finally did turn around, after Aragorn had walked away, she
bumped into me head first.

Servo::Apparently in the process from walking back through the forest,
Via had become blind.

Mike::(Via)Where are you, ya pansy I can still take you.

Crow::(Aragorn)Um, he left about two minutes ago.

I felt something soft, and moist touching my lips.

Servo::A squirrel had latched onto his face!

Mike::(Legolas) Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

Crow::(Aragorn)This is the best thing that has happened to me since
I took over this one horse town.

I probably should have stopped it, but I didn't.

Servo::The squirrel was starting to grow on me.

Suddenly, I felt a hard fist curled under my chin, and it had connected

Mike::The squirrel had just turned into Mike Tyson.

I ended up biting my tongue down and backing away.

Crow::You know you have troubles when your tongue tries to leave your

"Don't ever, ever try that again." She stuck up her nose and stormed

Servo::(Legolas)But Arwen, I can change.

Crow::(Aragorn)I’m not kissing you.

I had almost hoped she would throw back her hair so I could see
her ears, but no such luck.

Mike::Do we have any clear evidence who this is yet?


Mike::Rosie Cotton?

Crow::Princess Leia?

She looked so cute when she was angry.

Mike::Like a bull in a cute and tiny china shop.

Where did that thought come from? Perhaps this maiden shall become
much more important to me in the future.

Crow::(Aragorn)Legolas, get away from that palantir!

Servo::(Legolas)Spoil sport.


Legolas' Point of View


Mike::Did it change at some point?

Servo::Well he did turn into Aragorn for a moment.

The sun was high, the afternoon was nigh, and a beautiful day was under

Crow::Someone kill that minstrel now!

I was walking towards the river Lossarnach, a broad river, with
a peaceful current.

Mike::Although an oddly dressed man in yellow boots would not leave
me alone. He kept adding a "Hey doll derry-doll" to the beginning of every

It would never be something to swim in, but it was nice to sit

Servo::Sit in?

Mike::That boy needs a cold shower fast.

Crow::Well that’ll do it.

and sleep by.

When I approached the river, I saw something flowing in the river:
a body.

Servo::Why was the body flowing?

Mike::Just what we need, water nymphs have wandered into Middle Earth.

Nonetheless, it was the body of Vianene, and she looked like she was
in trouble.

Crow::(Legolas)Ah no mind, who really cares.

Servo::(Legolas)Ha, now we will see who does the placing of rabid squirrels
on people’s lips.

I ran closer, only to find closed eyes, and her ears were still

Mike::She must use super glue or something?

She was unconscious and she looked like she was about to go downstream.

Crow::Legolas slaps her.

Servo::(Legolas)Come on get up. Aragorn’s already played that bit out.

I waded into the water, even though I didn't really have a fondness
for her, my heart went out to all who died, or were dying.

Mike::(Legolas)Which is why I hang around funeral homes and grave yards.

Crow::Oh yeah, lots of issues.

I picked her up gently, and ran forcefully back to shore. She
hadn't budged an inch, but I held her, sprawled over my arms.

Servo::So, wait you couldn’t move her out of water?

Mike::God do a push up or something.

This was a great situation. I was wet from waist down;

Crow::You would have had that problem from sitting in the river anyway.

I was carrying a girl who I didn't even know the race of, and
on top of it all: my heart wouldn't stop beating fast.

Servo::Maybe I should get that ECG after all.

I starting trudging back towards the palace, so I could ensure she was

Mike::To hell with checking for a pulse, I’ll just drag her along by
her foot and if she starts screaming, she’s alive.

After a good 480 paces,

Crow::(Legolas)478, 479, 480. There.

she stirred, her eyes flickered open. Suddenly her foot connected
with my face, lashing it in the opposite direction.

Servo::That should teach you to not carry people by their feet, suspended
upside down.

She placed her hands on the one supporting her back,

Servo::Of course why Gretzky was there helping Legolas drag an unconscious
person through the woods is beyond me.

and flipped herself over onto the ground.

Crow::(Legolas)Well looks like she’s dead.

Mike::(Via)I’m not quite dead.

Crow::(Legolas)Yes you are.

Mike::(Via)I’m getting better.

Crow::(Legolas)You’ll be stone cold dead in a minute.

In her next movement, she forced me onto the ground, placing her
toe right on my spine.

Servo::(Legolas)Not that it really did anything. I was just so tired
of carrying her that I figured I’d just lay down until she left.

"State your name and your business with my body."

Mike::(Legolas)I’ve got a work order here to move your body upstate,
apparently they’re all out of psychotic Mary Sues.

She gritted through her teeth.

"I'm Legolas, the guy you've been torturing currently,

Crow::As well as the rest of us.

and I was saving you." I said.

"Saving me? Excuse me, but since when have I needed saving?"

Servo::Well unless you have a row of gills along your back, and since
this isn’t Sea Quest it’s unlikely you do, lying in a lake is a very good
way to kill yourself.

Mike::Just ask Ophellia.

She growled back.

Crow::No Worf, bad.

"Since you were lying unconscious in the river, while flowing downstream."
I said back. She pulled my arms up and flipped me over so I could see her

Servo::Is Legolas as thin as a pancake?

Mike::That would explain why it’s such a pain in the ass to try and
hit him with an arrow.

"That would be the second time in three days Legolas that you have disturbed
my slumber.

Crow::(Via)I can’t help it, I just have trouble falling asleep on solid

Servo::That’s a definite cry for one of those air beds.

Do you have a problem with me sleeping your highness? I did not
realize that it was so annoying to other people."

Mike::(Legolas)Well since you seem to think that you need to hurt me
every time you do sleep then yes I do have a problem with you sleeping.

"Asleep! You weren't moving, I couldn't see any notions of you breathing,

Crow::(Legolas)Not that I checked or anything.

and you were going downstream in a river!" I replied. "Who sleeps in
a river?" I inquired.

Servo::The lady of the lake?

Mike::Grendel’s Mom?

Crow::The lochness monster?

"I am the one asking questions here, Master Elf!" She spat back at me.

Servo::(Legolas)Since when? I was the one asking the questions moron.

Mike::(Via)Hey I just woke up, you can’t expect me to follow the conversation
very well.

"The only people who ask questions are the ones hiding answers!"

Crow::That and teachers, oh and police investigators like Gandalf.

I replied with an age old phrase.

Servo::(Legolas)Well about two seconds old as I had just made it up.

"That has nothing to do with this! How dare you pick me up!

Mike::(Via)I was trying to catch the 9:30 river, but now I have to wait
until the 10:45 stream shows up and even then I need to transfer over to
a creek.

Did you have to check something?

Crow::Why the hell did she just ask that?

Servo::She’s mad that Legolas didn’t check her oil and transmission
fluids before taking off.

And as for my not moving and breathing, I haven't shown signs
of breathing since the day I turned 1000.

Mike::Getting up there into Strom Thurmond country.

It's unruly, it wears you down."

Servo::If she’s tired of life and all shouldn’t she have just passed
on to the halls of Mandos then?

Crow::Yeah, you’re not a Geek.

Servo::Bite me.

She glared at me, poking me with her toe,

Mike::Did she have her arms ripped off or something? She keeps jabbing
him and kicking him with her feet.

for every so odd syllable.

Crow::There were a lot of odd syllables in that statement so Legolas
must be black and blue by now.

"I'm sorry I didn't know breathing wasn't popular anymore!"

Servo::(Legolas)I must not have read that in my recent issue of Vogue.

Since her hands were still on mine, and my legs were free, I lifted
my feet, to reach her torso, and threw her onto the ground, now the one
on top.

Mike::I’m starting to expect a black knight to hop in and bleed on everyone
at this point.

"Oh I'm sorry your highness, I thought the low areas were the best suited
for royalty.

Crow::Hey leave Scotland alone!

And breathing's normal, I don't show that I'm breathing,

Servo::Well you were starting to make sense until you said that.

if you'd care to notice." It was true, my foot planted on her
stomach wasn't moving an inch, and her chest wasn't rising.

Mike::Which was really weird since Elves kinda needed to breathe to
live and all.

Servo::You know if Elves don’t have to breathe then you’d really think
Dwarves wouldn’t have to what with they’re being made from the Earth and

Crow::Knock it off geek boy.

"Your highness, if you would care to avert your gaze from my unmoving
chest and get your foot off me before I take it by force."

Mike::Just not by using the force, I hope.

Author::Don’t worry, no more crossovers I promise.

All::Thank God.

She lifted her eyebrows.

Crow::Okay now I do know that Aragorn has to breathe.

Servo::He does have some elf blood in him though, being a Numenorean.

Crow::GR! Shut up!

What was it that drove my head so crazy about this woman?

Mike::Maybe it’s the fact that she uses ethanol as perfume.

I assisted her off the ground, and she started walking away.

Servo::Right back to the river where another person saw her floating
dead down the river, only he didn’t care.

"Wait!" I called, grabbing her arm, forcing her to look at me. "What
are you hiding?"

Crow::(Via)I’m really The Emperor.

Mike::(Legolas)I knew it!

I stared deep into her eyes, the eyes filled with ice, rivers,
oceans, forests, and all other living things.

Servo::So he was looking into a pair of black holes?

Crow::I find it hard to believe that all of that could exist in one
pair of eyes.

Mike::There’s no way the wolves can get along with the deer and rabbits
long enough to stay in there.

"Why would I tell you?" She stared harshly at my eyes.

Servo::And his eyes had all the refuse and leftover feces in Middle
Earth in them.

Crow::Actually I’m pretty sure that would be every single character
in this train wreck.

"Because I'm asking you." I said my tone notably softer.



"Your highness, release me." She said, her lips scorching.

Crow::(Legolas)Much worse than that squirrel.

Mike::Legolas you have got to stop kissing dragons.

I let go of her arm. "I don't think you should be speaking with
me of this manner, highness." She said, mockery dripping from her last

Servo::And her mouth dripping with napalm.

"Will you please just call me Legolas?" I said, aggravated.

Crow::(Legolas)Frankly I don’t know why Aragorn or even Gandalf need
so many names. Just remembering one is hard enough for me.

"Why would I do you that pleasure?" Vianene stated, averting her gaze.

Mike::As a chorus line singing "New York, New York" went dancing by.

"Because Vianene," I startled myself.

Servo::(Legolas)Words, they just came out of my mouth. Someone help!

It was the first time I had said her name allowed.

Crow::I would make some comment about how to use the correct definitions
of words butt I’m two busy beeting myself with the dictionary.

"Because, I think you need someone other than yourself to support
yourself with.


Servo::I don’t know, but I think he’s trying to sell her support beams
for the church she’s building.

"What would you know about it? You're a prince, royalty,

Crow::Dictator of half of Middle Earth.

member of the fellowship,

Mike::Even though they keep trying to kick you out.

Servo::(Frodo)Okay, who invited Legolas this time.

Crow::(Gandalf)I’m sorry, but the pain in the ass overheard me on the

survival of the battle of helm's deep,

Mike::Not that it was really that hard, I think you could have sneezed
and knocked down Saurman’s army.

Servo::Yeah that whole breeding goblins with Orcs plan really backfired

Crow::Next time try breeding wargs with butterflies. It’ll probably
work out better.

one of the most famous elves in Middle Earth, What would you know
of evil pasts?"

Servo::(Legolas)Well you did just list a bunch of evil stuff that I
did, so I should logically know about evil.

Mike::You used the ‘L’ word.

She darted at me.

Crow::She was running drills for Aragorn’s basketball team, The Gondor

"Via..." She wouldn't let me finish. She raised her arm, and spoke a
word in a language I do not understand,

Mike::(Via)Yo Quiero Taco Bell.

and suddenly a great wall of vines surrounded her body.

Servo::(Via)Um, okay I may need a little bit of help now. Stupid foliage,
one day I will rule you!

I had to continue this conversation. I had to!

Crow::(Legolas)Apparently Legolas thrives on stop and go pointless conversations
with dead people.

I withdrew my elven blades.

Mike::(Legolas)Damn it, if someone doesn’t start talking to me, I’m
gonna start withdrawing even more weaponry!

I began to hack at the wall of vines, only wishing to see her
face again.

Servo::(Legolas)So I could hack that!

It slowly tightened on her body. I hacked faster. By the time
I had hacked through, her body was unconscious.

Crow::Let me guess he wakes her up, she punches him in the jaw, and
they fight for a while, fun.

My hand darted to her arm, to check for a pulse. There was none. No
signs of breathing.

Mike::Oh, so she’s fine.

I picked her up as fast as I could,

Servo::This time making sure to tie her feet together.

to take her to Mithrandir. He would know what to do.

Crow::He could always use her as a hat rack or something.


"Well, Legolas, this is not good." Gandalf's face was full of worry
for his friend.

Mike::(Gandalf)You have got to stop spying on people, living in trees,
and having conversations with people who are not breathing.

"What has happened?" I asked my heart and head full of questions.

Servo::(Legolas)Why do I have to wear these stupid tights?

"She has been suffocated.

Crow::Of course she’s been suffocating since she stopped breathing so
don’t worry about it.

When you hacked at the vines, they reacted oddly, and you see
Legolas they are magic vines.

Mike::(Gandalf)We really should put up a sign or something.

She can summon many magical natural forces, as is part of her

Servo::She has vines in her blood?

Crow::Wait, since when can you suffocate a plant?

The vines were shocked, and they darted to her, suffocating her."
He brought down his head.

Mike::(Legolas)But how do you suffocate someone who doesn’t breathe?

Crow::(Gandalf)Shut up, do you want her to realize she’s not really
dead and wake up.

Vianene, dead? It couldn't be happening, could it?

Servo::(Legolas)Whooo! Party! The annoying elf plant lady is dead!

I couldn't cause the death of her, not yet anyway.

Mike::I still needed to get a hold of a snake and then figure out how
to train it to kill.

I had to find out her race, what she was hiding.

Servo::Why she liked to sleep in rivers.

Mike::Where she kept her Jell-O-molds.

"Come. We have but short time."

Crow::I have never hoped for a traffic jam more in my life.


*~Legolas' Point of View~*

Mike::Well, you said his point of view was going to stick around and
god damn it you were right.

Crow::Okay, now I say that every character falls into a river and is
swept off to the abyss.


Gandalf ran forcefully down the halls, until we reached a spot in the

Servo::(Gandalf)I know I saw the dog burying something out here earlier.

He took his staff, and touched the ground in five spots with the top
of his staff.

Mike::(Gandalf)See look at this, I told you we have gophers.

As he chanted-

"A melle, Donne,

Ara, See Minete,

Servo::Oo, ee, oo, ah, ah ting tang walla walla bing bang.

Viatrelle, Vianene,

Ara, Aine lle Amish

Crow::Hey leave the Amish out of your drug-induced ramblings!


The five spots began to glow.

Mike::(Gandalf)Oh man, what’d I do.

When they were all glowing, he motioned for me to stand between
all five.

Servo::Suddenly out of the west rode a horse and buggy and holding onto
the reins was a man with a large a beard and no buttons.

As I did so the ground I stood upon began to lower.

Crow::(Arwen)Stupid Aragorn, I thought I told him to fix this sinkhole.

I saw lights, frantically swirling amongst black walls.

Mike::So he’s wandered into a disco?

Gimli would go wild if he could see this place.

Servo::But since he’s dead and all it’s a little hard.


Servo::Just kidding he he he.

The floor was of marble tiles, which the brightly sliver coloured
spinning orb reflected lights from. I saw many a people dancing, to unfamiliar,
much faster movements.

Mike::Oh my God he really is in a Disco! Someone kill me, kill me now!

Servo::No, anything but the ‘70’s. Hey I’ll take more of that archery
competition, just not a disco!

They were all in revealing clothing.

Servo::Figures Legolas would notice that.

Suddenly a large man approached me.


Mike::(Bouncer)Guess again little twig.

"Welcome to the Realm of Soul, the Club of Soul. Id. sir?"

Servo::So this is the place the Wizard of Id runs in his off time.

The man had dark skin, of a brown shade.

Crow::As opposed to dark skin of a blue shade.

Mike::Yeah well he breathes so Legolas can’t suffocate him.

He wore a black shirt that stopped short of his shoulders, and
a stretched out stomach.

Servo::Stretch Armstrong, the down years.

"Id?" I was something beyond confused.

Mike::(Legolas)Gandalf, how can bringing a plant lady who can’t breathe
to a Disco help?

Crow::(Gandalf)What, I’m just here to get my groove on. Ah, ah, ah,
ah staying alive, staying alive!

"Sir you have to be at least 29 to enter here."

Servo::They set the date at 29 so that the young people wouldn’t wander
in there by accident and get scared.

The man crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'm 29 hundred! Is that good enough for you?" I inquired.

Crow::(Bouncer)Now sir there is no reason to get nasty. Since you’re
breathing and all I am going to have to assume you are not really that

"No sir. You have to be deceased to enter."

Mike::Ah, so we’ve found hell.

Servo::It really doesn’t surprise me that hell is a disco.

The black man

Crow::(Author)By black I really mean brown of course, I just forgot
what I had typed earlier.


Just then a nice looking woman, with revealing clothes, and hair redder
than fire ran up to me.

Mike::(Bouncer)Yeah that’s Fran, don’t mention the fact that her hair
looks like it was dyed with Kool-Aid. It’s the surest way to get yourself
banished with Danté.

"What's the problem here?" She inquired, looking from me to the large

Crow::(Gandalf)I killed someone by accident again.

Servo::(Fran)Okay, but you only get one more freebie before we need
to start charging. Frank go and get another soul.

"Your personage here will not let me pass!" I stated.

"What are your name and your living status?"

Mike::(Alex Trebeck)No I’m sorry we were looking for "what is the whooping

She looked straight at me.

Crow::As opposed to turning her back to me while she talked.

"Legolas Greenleaf, alive." I replied.

Servo::(Legolas)At least I think I am. Hell I don’t know anymore.

"That's your problem.

Mike::Being alive is for losers!

But hmm...Legolas, Legolas, what's special about that name?" She
pondered her thought for a moment.

Crow::(Fran)Let’s see idiotic elf who keeps killing people, of course
you and Aragorn are the biggest reason we are kept in business.

"Wait! I remember! You have earned a free soul back!" She smiled
at me.

Servo::Would you like a pretzel with that extra soul. It’ll only cost
you thirty cents.

"What?" I inquired.

"Since you've sent over 2,000,000 souls to this realm, you get one soul
back free!"

Mike::(Fran)Wait a minute according to these records you are one short
of meeting your quota, I’m sorry but your privileges have been revoked.

Crow::(Legolas)How about I kill myself?

Mike::(Fran)That will be acceptable.

She smiled at me. "Vianene! Come over here please."

Servo::(Legolas)What, I don’t want her. I’m actually here looking for
Beren the one handed.

Crow::(Fran)Oh him, he’s an actual Tolkien creation so he didn’t end
up here in crappy character hell and is actually chilling with Mandos in
a place without any disco music.

How she knew who I was going to take I'll never know, but I was
reluctant to see her face.

Mike::(Legolas)It was really hard to keep from staring at her Kool-Aid

She wore her hair down, draped over her ears. Her clothes were formed
of a long blue shimmering skirt, and a green tunic.

Servo::I would not want to be hell’s tailor.

She looked, beautiful. Happy.

Crow::(Via)I get to spend my time torturing lost souls. Could life get

"What is he doing here Devielle? (Dee-vee-elle)"

Mike::Thank God, Gazoo’s in hell.

Servo::Let’s just hope he stays there.

"Well, I think that you have to go live again, Via, because he gets
one free soul back, and he picked you."

Crow::So if you do go to hell and you’re happy about it, you have no
say in it if some moron from the other world drops by and says he wants
your soul?

Via, the name suited her perfectly.

Mike::What with it being the shortened version and all, sure why not.

Servo::(Legolas)Much better than Sauron if you ask me.

"Your highness, I am truly flattered, but I wish to remain here. I am
happy here." Her eyes turned to mine, and were full of cold ice.

Crow::Apparently it was the ice ages in her eyes.

"I'm not leaving without you." I replied.

"Well than I suppose you're not leaving. I will notify your mother that
you are here."

Mike::(Legolas)Um since I’m, you know, an elf and all, she’s actually
not in Disco hell.

Servo::I wonder if there’s a rap hell?

Crow::Oh don’t even suggest that!

She walked away, and I followed, given leave by Devielle. To my surprise
she ran away from all the people, and headed towards a cave.

Mike::Why is Legolas chasing after The Devil I mean Fran?

Servo::Apparently he’s got a thing for redheads.

I followed, not caring about any danger, or whatever there could
be down here.

Crow::(Legolas)Oh God, no not bell-bottoms! I’m out of here!

"Why will you not come back?" I called to her, pleading for an answer.

Mike::(Via)Because I like Disco music all right.

Servo::(Legolas)Oh my God, what the hell is wrong with you non-breathing
lady who likes to sleep in rivers and carries lots of weapons?

"Legolas, you cause my death when I am angry, and I when I am happy
you wish for me to live again?


Mike::You know what, I wonder what Aragorn’s up to right now.

Servo::(Arwen)And I thought I told you to paint the fence, and I don’t
see the garbage disposal getting unclogged any time soon.

Why do you want me back so eagerly?" She stared dark into my eyes.

Crow::(Legolas)I never said I did. It was Gandalf who drug me down here
when you continued to not breathe.

"I wish to know that you will live to see hundreds more years, I can
not bear the thought of causing a death over some silly little conversation.

Mike::(Legolas)However causing the death of thousands over some little
fight over who makes better bread is fine with me.

Think of what you will be leaving behind!" I replied.

Servo::(Legolas)Think of all the rivers you haven’t drowned in yet.

"Is that all that could really matter? All that could really be true,
me living for something I have no need for?

Crow::(Via)I don’t care about the stupid fact that you want to know
what my ears look like, so leave.

Something I have no dependence for?

Mike::(Via)I am not addicted to heroine, now leave me and the bugs on
my skin alone.

Tell me Legolas, I want to know. Why not bring back your mother,
or use the soul to give Gimli immortality, or what not?"

Servo::Sure what the hell, it’s not like this is following any sense

Crow::Why not use the extra freebie to hang glide off the cliffs of

Mike::(Legolas)Are you kidding me I hope to kill enough people so I
can do all that and so much more.

She answered.

"I need you in Middle Earth!"

Servo::(Legolas)Who else will I have to throw apples at my head?!

I yelled, not knowing the words had made it from my brain to my

Crow::That is typically how people speak.

"Legolas, I do not care! But if you are going to be this aggravating,
I shall come back, if only to be allowed to have peace!"

Mike::(Via)I may be vehemently against the idea of coming back to life
again, but if it will keep me from having to talk to you for another moment
I will do it anyway.

I picked her up into a large hug, and wanted to cry from happiness!

Servo::Don’t tell me she kicks you, you shoot an arrow, then she shoots
another one and you find yourselves in a river where Orcs start kidnapping

She motioned that she wanted to be put down,

Crow::(Legolas)By repeatedly kicking me in the groin.

and I did so.

She started walking away from the cave, back to where I entered.
We kept walking until we were at the exact spot where I entered,

Mike::So you went to where you entered?

Servo::At least all the redundancy keeps us from having to read anything

upon which time Devielle raised her hands, and the platform rose

Crow::So hell is only separated from us by a stage elevator?

Mike::In order to keep from going to Wizard of Id disco hell I’d better
start going to Sunday comics church.

It was so nice to smell fresh air and see trees. I felt at peace, no
longer in strange lands.

Servo::(Legolas)Although my eyes weren’t really adjusting after all
the damn strobe lights.

Immediately Via ran to Mithrandir, embracing him in a hug.

Mike::(Via)Hey Gandalf, I thought you had turned into a statue or something
for a minute there. You wouldn’t talk or move or anything.

Crow::(Gandalf)Fran and I had a little thing a while back.

"You have returned to us Vianene the green." I supposed it was a pet

Servo::Oh, Legolas is starting to get a little jealous of Gandalf.

"If only to see you again, dear friend." She replied, such a sweet thought.

Crow::(Via)Okay, time to die again. Someone call in the vines.

"You're clothing is somewhat different from that of recently." Gandalf
said, taking a look at her.

"They showed us a few things of the future. Something called hydro.
apparently it's going to be big."

Mike::Wearing Latin prefixes?

Servo::At the rate fashion is going, it wouldn’t surprise me.

She answered, joining into the laugh that Mithrandir had started

"I must go see Arwen. If you'll excuse me Mithrandir?" She said to him.
He motioned for her leave.

Crow::(Gandalf)Fine whatever, that’s the last time I call hell again.

"Legolas, go see Aragorn, these events will be of interest to him.

Mike::People being brought back from the dead and all, nah it’s got
to seem like old hat by now.

Servo::Hey at least the Eagles didn’t help this time.


*~Vianene's Point of View~*


Arwen's Chambers

Crow::When did this turn into Law and Order?

Mike::This show was ripped from today’s headlines.

Servo::"Mad girl overthrows paper and begins publishing nonsensical

"Arwen, I cannot understand it, why did he save me? My thoughts boil
over with questions, but he is part of it all."

Crow::(Arwen)Fine fine, we’ll just turn down your Legolas stew and go
get your straight jacket.

I said, hoping she might have an answer.

"You love him." She replied.

Mike::Arwen must have been watching TV and not really listening again.

Servo::(Arwen)Oh, uh, uh-huh.

Crow::(Via)I stopped talking already.

Servo::(Arwen)You love him.


*~Legolas' Point of View~*

Aragorn's chamber

Mike::He and Arwen must have had one of their own little wars again.

Crow::Oh so he and Legolas are in the doghouse.


"Why did I save her Aragorn? Why? Alas, my heart feels relieved, but
why did I save her?"

Crow::(Aragorn)I think you’re on crack. Here, pee in this cup.

"Because you love her Legolas."

Mike::(Legolas)Ah that’s all you ever say. When I told you I had a bunion
I couldn’t get rid of you told me I loved that too.


*~Legolas' Point of View~*

"Aragorn." I looked away.

Servo::(Legolas)Would you get that thing off of your head!

Crow::(Aragorn)I always wondered what I’d look like with an afro.

"Legolas, you love her."

"That's absurd!" I couldn't face him.

Mike::But since he already wasn’t looking at him, Aragorn couldn’t really

"Legolas, do not deny your feelings, it only leads to heartbreak." He
answered me calmly, with a response that I lost my head over.

Servo::(Legolas)Oh man, after my head.

Crow::(Aragorn)Um, I think it just rolled into the moat.

Servo::(Legolas)Great, it’s gonna cost me a fortune to replace it.

"Yes I love her." He raised his eyebrows, which I took as a doubt.

Mike::Or disbelief, or denial, hell he might just be hungry. Aragorn’s
eyebrows seem to rise if the wind changes.

"So I love her? Is it so wrong to be madly crazy about someone


Servo::Especially when the two of you were already so insane to begin

Someone who thinks of you as a challenge, someone to defeat!

Mike::Yep, that’s love.

A person who is the most beautiful and enchanting thing you've
ever seen?

Crow::(Legolas)Well as long as you don’t look at her in the light.

A woman who is just beyond your reach? Is that so wrong?"

Servo::(Legolas)Is it wrong to love the generic brand of mayonnaise
over the name brand?

"Not at all my friend, but I think that you shall drive yourself insane
if you do not control this. I have a plan."

Mike::(Legolas)Aragorn, how is this going to help?

Crow::(Aragorn)Help? I just wanted to throw someone off a cliff while
he’s strapped to a chair. Here we go!

Aragorn smirked. I lifted my eyes to him.

Servo::(Legolas)Here, hide these before Arwen gets her hands on ‘em.

"What is it old friend?" I asked, hope filling my eyes.

Mike::(Aragorn)You are so screwed.

"She seems to be fond of competition.

Crow::(Aragorn)If we get her to lay off the steroids she might go back
to normal.

I suggest you make a competition of this obsession. Challenge
her. Trick her into spending time with you."

Servo::Yes that will make Legolas seem smart and competent, tell him
to keep stalking her.

Mike::Aragorn just wants to get rid of him so he can go back to sleep.

He grinned one of those evil grins you saw people with evil plots
wear all the time.

Crow::So are there a lot of evil farmers and builders in Middle Earth
or something?

"You know something Aragorn, I like that idea." I added a grin to my
own face.

Servo::(Legolas)But my face started to feel a little crowded from the
two mouths.



Mike::Okay, who’s singing opera?

I called my servant. "Deliver this letter!"

Crow::(Arvetro)Look sir, I am not your servant. You merely declared
yourself overlord of my village and took me away from my family.

Servo::(Legolas)Yeah whatever, do you know where any good peeping trees

I handed him a piece of parchment. On in was a letter to Vianene.

"Take this to the lady Vianene, it is most important."

Mike::(Arvetro)I’m dumping the damn thing into the sewer the first chance
I get.

The letter read:

Dear Vianene,

I know how you fancy competition.

Crow::Well that’s about it, I thought I’d just tell you something you
already knew. Bye.

I can not beat you by the blade or the bow, but I shall challenge
you to a game of seduction. First one to crack loses.

Servo::*WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM*

Mike::What are you doing?

Servo::Trying to beat my head in until I pass out.

Let us see if you truly are the best.

Crow::So weird dead plant lady vs. peeping tom elf, that’s an interesting

Yours truly, Legolas

Perhaps it would work. But maybe then again, she would probably just
take it as a game.

Mike::Next time just challenge her to a rousing game of Scrabble!

But soon Arvetro came back with a new sheet of parchment. Her
reply. Wonderful.

Servo::(Legolas)Yeah she replied, she replied, she replied.

Crow::(Arvetro)Shouldn’t you read the letter sir?

Servo::(Legolas *Reading*)No, you disgusting fruit cake. Don’t you
ever come near me again!

Let the games begin. I shall prevail Legolas.

Mike::(Via)I can be way more annoying than anyone.

The Queen of Competition

Ha, exactly something that would be written by her.

Crow::(Arvetro starts whistling) Sure it was sir.

Now it was time to have fun, and fix my problem in the same sense.

Servo::Raise of hands from everyone who thinks this is a bad idea.



Vianene's Point of View

Mike::I just have one question, is there a plot? Well is there, punk?


Well wouldn't this be interesting?

Crow::I can easily assure you that this is going to be the most boring
and painful thing in the history of recorded time.

A game of seduction. The results, I pray, shall not have me in
a place where I should regret this.


This could be easy. Too bad Arwen was forcing me into coming tonight,
she knew I would have skipped the ball all together.

Mike::You know, if Via would have just ignored Arwen the first time
none of this would have happened.

Crow::Oh yeah, she’s going down.

But now I have a reason to go.

Servo::If the fairy Orcmother shows up and turns her potato sack into
a gown I’m out of here.

I walked over to the window, and pushed it upwards, letting the cool
air jump out towards me.

Mike::(Via)Oh yeah, I invented glass too while I was in hell.

A small pool from the Lossanarch River was just below my window.
I jumped out the window in a swift movement, and landed beside the pool.


Servo::(Legolas)Oh hi, I would have caught you but I was too busy trying
to be inconspicuous in this tree. Next time try aiming for the water though.

Crow::(Via)You know I’m not breathing, right?


I let my fingers brush over the water, whispering a few words,

Mike::(Via)Remember when I said I’d drown in you last? I lied.

than walked in. I stood atop the waters surface, and let my spell
take place.

Crow::(Via)Unfortunately I had gotten the middle word wrong and the
water instead turned into a giant dragon and destroyed all of Gondor. Whoopse.

The water drifted upwards and swirled around my body, forming
a dress, shoes, and a ribbon for my hair.

Mike::You’re gonna need a crap load of hairspray to keep that thing

Perfect. Now I was already done getting ready.

Servo::Okay I have just one question, did Merlin take over Middle Earth.
Is Harry Potter just hanging around the corner?

Mike::Whoa buddy calm down.

Servo::It just pisses me off when idiots keep implying that any moron
can conjure up whatever the hell he wants.

Crow::Some needs a chill pill geek boy.

Servo::Don’t make me kick your ass.

I walked quickly around the wall until I came upon a doorway.

Servo::As opposed to using her vast magical powers to turn the entire
castle into a one level bedroom covered in pink bunnies.

Mike::It’s going to be okay.

The door would lead to the top of the stairs, and the ballroom.
It had come time for my grand entrance.

Crow::So she’s spent the entire afternoon since she came back from the
dead sitting on the floor in her room staring at the walls.

Mike::Gandalf had dropped by, and man that guy could not shut up.

I walked to the stairs, to be announced in by the herald.

Crow::(Herald)Hey everyone, it’s that bossy lady who shot the last herald!

"The Lady Vianene, daughter of Viraelle" He announced. I noticed several
eyes-male eyes-taking me into perspective. I also heard some unnecessary
comments about my appearance.

Servo::Oh my god!

Mike::What the hell is that thing?!

Crow::Dear lord, did someone forget to stake the dead again?

Servo::(Via)What, so I shouldn’t have worn my old corpse?

"Isn't she the new belle in court?" One lady from a distance commented.

Mike::(Lady 1)I hear she’s got no jumpshot.

Crow::(Lady 2)Oh yeah, and no rebound skills whatsoever.

Servo::(Lady 3)What the hell was Aragorn thinking trading for her.

"That lady looks rather fine; besides, I need someone to share my bed

Mike::I get so scared in the dark.

I heard from a male that's eyes I could not witness.

Crow::Because Arwen had already taken them in the night.

It's a good thing. I would've shown him that only band aids and
blood would share his bed tonight.

Servo::So let’s see we’ve watched her invent disco, windows, and now
band aids. What is a Cadillac gonna show up at the front door and whisk
her off to a jet headed for Paris?

Then I caught the eyes that I had been meaning to catch. I walked
swiftly towards the king and queen

"Milord and lady,

Mike::(Via)Could you tell me where Aragorn and Arwen are.

Crow::(Lady)Up there. How do you know her Milord?

Servo::(Milord)Oh I was laying on the ground just outside her window.

I am pleased to attend your ceremony." I bowed low, and after
I had been given lead,

Mike::Should Aragorn be putting all of his guests on leashes?

Crow::He has 1 too much spare time, and 2 a sick sense of humor.

went off in the direction of the only eyes I had wanted on me.

Servo::I get the feeling this little eye fetish is going to lead to
one hell of a disgusting murder spree.

Legolas was wearing a green shirt, and a brown tunic. His pants were
of dirt origin, from Lorien it would seem.

Mike::So while she was jumping into rivers he was wallowing in the mud?

The combination fit perfectly,

Crow::Except he had his pants over his head and his shirt was on his

you could see the curves of his muscles,

Servo::Come on, everyone with me.


the strength that they beheld.

Mike::Which was nonexistent.

Itwasn't fair; clothes aren't to fit that smooth.

Crow::(Via)Damn it Arwen, I thought you told me this was a burlap and
potato sack ball.

My own attire was something new to his eyes, I could tell.

Servo::Even though he wouldn’t stop looking out through the window.

Mike::(Legolas)Man I wish I could be in that tree right now.

My sleeveless blue dress looked as though it had the waves of
water rippling about it, my hair ribbon and shoes matched.

Crow::So she’s a murderess elf lady who gets kidnapped a lot and likes
dying but all she really cares about are that her shoes match.

Servo::She has rebounded over that whole dying thing rather fast though.

"Why, Your highness." I put out a fake exasperated voice,

Mike::Which ended up coming out as a snort.

one to sound as though I was impressed, though I was not.

Yes you are. Nay, I do not.

Crow::Oh great, just what we need, now she’s schizophrenic.

What joy, I am arguing with the voices in my head.

Servo::(Arwen)Um just a suggestion but when you do argue with the voices
could you not do it aloud.

"Milady, your beauty astounds me." Twas unfair!

Mike::Did she eat a book of Shakespeare plays before she came here?

Crow::What light through yonder window breaks? It is Gandalf and he’s
fought with a Balrog again.

He has done this before, I can tell.

Servo::What, stood around and looked bored. I think you’ve all done
it before.

He took my hand and kissed it lightly, causing a blush to be hidden
from my cheeks.

Mike::So his kiss made her go pallid?

Crow::That can’t be good.

Servo::(Via)Look out, I have to puke!

I flashed a smile his way, a smile that had gone through a long
process of being perfected.

Mike::(Via)See first it was a little lopsided so I had the boys tear
it down and rebuild unfortunately this time it started to sink so it got
rebuilt a third time.

He seemed to be enjoying our game.

Crow::(Legolas)Duh, what was I doing again?

So are you. Nay, we shall not argue. But you are. There go the voices.

Servo::(Via)What do you want mother? No, I just want to play with the
boring elf, Mother. Why can’t I?

"Milady, may I have this dance?" He took my hand without an answer.

Mike::(Via)And started to rip my arms out of my sockets.

Crow::(Legolas)This is called the helicopter propeller.

Of course, I wouldn't have denied him this dance, but he could've
waited for a reply.

Servo::But he knew she was going to spend another three hours fighting
with her voices so he just answered for her.

We swirled onto the dance floor. We twirled, swayed, and fell upon each
other perfectly.

Mike::That has got to be really annoying for everyone else on the dance

Crow::(Arwen)Get off of the damn floor you two idiots!

I do not dance normally but this I could become accustomed to.

Servo::Although my toes are beginning to disagree.

It felt so good to be in his arms, what? Where had that thought
come from. Via, keep your head.

Mike::Yeah Legolas has already lost his, we don’t need an epidemic.

The dance ended. I bowed to him.

Crow::And now the chicken dance.

"If you'll excuse me your highness, I wish to visit the outdoors."

Servo::(Via)The vines have dropped by to apologize.

I bowed. Now if only this plan would work, and he would follow

Mike::Unfortunately Legolas had just spied the refreshment table and
was off.

I reached the balcony and called to the trees. I needed someone to keep
me company.

Crow::There had to be at least a handful of Elves hiding in the trees

I fingered my pendant.

I thought my pendant an odd one. It was a crystal rose, with thorns.
Apparently, it was believed to symbolize something.

Servo::Yeah roses.

Lucky Arwen, she got an abstract shape.

Mike::(Via)Stupid parallelograms.

I head steps behind me.

Crow::First we get the story from the apple, now a head.

Servo::Hey Legolas, your head managed to find its way out of the moat!

I turned, hoping to see only one face.

Mike:: Unfortunately the entire village was behind me.

Crow::(Villagers)Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her!

"My lady, you have defiantly made a mark upon the court." He flashed
me a sly smile, and moved towards me.

"Excuse me, I wish to be alone."

Servo::(Via)And people only call me milady, none of this "my" crap!

I started to turn from him, when his hands darted to mine.

Mike::Everything keeps darting in this stupid story.

"Release my hands." I gave him my coldest stare, and with my mind started
beckoning to the trees branches to come forth and aid me.

Crow::To bad the trees were on break.

Servo::They are Aragorn’s trees after all.

"Why milady, we were just starting." He said, starting to move his face
towards mine.

Mike::You’ve got some spinach in your teeth.

"I believe the lady instructed to you to release her." I heard a new
voice say.

Crow::(Via)Oh great, now the voices in my head are getting louder.

My eyes darted to find the owner of the voice. It belonged to
Legolas. I'm glad one part of this plan succeeded.

Servo::Too bad the other part, where I throw him off the balcony, doesn’t
seem to be panning out so well.

"Your highness, I can defend myself." I replied searching his eyes for
an answer to why he had come to my rescue.

Mike::Try using your brain instead.

"I am well aware of that milady, but I wish to see that you do not get
yourself into trouble."

Crow::(Via)Hey I can get into trouble all on my own.

My answer did not come.

Servo::That’s what happens when you tell your eyes to think.

My attention returned to the man holding my hands captive. He
noticed my attention and dropped my hands. My left fist darted to his eyes.

Mike::(Man)Fine if you don’t like me then I’ll just go cry all by myself
in the corner.

He winced with pain. Legolas chuckled.

Crow::(Legolas)I love it when people get hurt.

"If you will excuse me your highness, I feel the trees are calling me."

Servo::(Via)Okay, but be careful not to rip your pants.

I nodded my head, and turned, ensuring that my foot landed in
the groin of my pursuer.

Mike::(Legolas)Ouch, what did I do?

Crow::(Via)Nothing I just felt like wailing on someone.


Taking it from Legolas' point of view

Servo::and throwing it out the window



In the week that I have known this girl, she has astounded me every
time I have seen her.

Crow::(Legolas)I mean she’s invented nuclear war, shown that it is no
longer necessary to metabolize food, and drug me through ‘80’s music hell.

What she did next shocks me the most.

Mike::Why, does she do something competent and normal?

She turned swiftly kicking the male who had previously held her captive
in the groin.

Crow::Oh no no, this story is moving so slow we’re actually going back
in time.

She placed her thin, long, firm fingers on the banister and threw
herself over the banner. She landed on the ground silently.

Servo::(Legolas)Um, are you all right?

Mike::(Via)I meant to do that.

Servo::(Legolas)Yeah whatever. Hey Arwen, do you have any more of those
pizza roll things left?

I was rather amazed. That jump had to be at least three stories. I had
made a jump similar many a time, but she completed it with utmost grace
and silence.

Crow::(Legolas)Unlike me who flailed my arms like a toddler and landed
on my head every single time.

I swiftly followed, falling through the air with ease.

Mike::Now it’s turned into The Great Race.

Servo::Just no pie fights, please!

I found her at the bottom, as if waiting for me.

Crow::Lying on the ground, not breathing, her eyes glazed over.

"Milady, you amaze me even more under yonder moonlight."

Mike::Is everyone listening to Shakespeare on tape at night?

I said, giving my fake Prince of Mirkwood smile.

Servo::(Legolas)I’d had a ton of those things printed up at Kinko’s
for a fraction of the cost.

I used my vision to note that the forest was just aside from our
current point.

Crow::Don’t tell me they get lost, and then a misunderstood witch starts
killing them off one by one?

"Would you do me the pleasure of a walk through the woods?" I
asked, trying to sound sincere.

Mike::But coming off as more of a jerk.

"Most certainly, your highness." She returned the smile.

Servo::Why does she have a fake prince Mirkwood smile?

Crow::There must have been a sidewalk sale at Mirkwood.

I was about to offer her my arm, as is customary, but she just
started walking.

Mike::(Via)I’m late, I’m late I’m late for a very important date. No
time to say hello, goodbye, I’m late I’m late I’m late.

Servo::(Legolas)Sorry but Gandalf already closed up your rabbit hole.
And I might avoid him for a while, he’s not very happy that you chewed
up all of his rutabaga.

I caught her with relative ease, all though I must say she is
a fast walker.

Crow::She must practice every day at the mall.

I heard her mumbling something I couldn't understand. It sounded like
some mild form of Dwarfish,

Mike::Only the pg-13 swear words.

and at the same time very long.

"I'm sorry, is someone else here?"

Servo::(Via)Just me and the five thousand different voices in my head.
Fine, I’ll ask him. One of them wants to know where you buy your tights.

I inquired, thoughts flooding through my mind.

Crow::(Worker)Everyone out of here, the dam’s about to blow.

"No, I'm just conversing with the trees." She said, as if 'twere a normal

Mike::(Legolas)Normally I would think talking to the trees normal, but
she was talking to a willow and everyone knows what jerks they can be.

"The trees?" I repeated.

Servo::(Legolas)Redrum Redrum.

"Yes, the trees. How can one be connected to nature without talking
to it?" She turned her eyes to me.

Crow::(Legolas)I don’t know, I guess you could try chaining yourself
to it.

It seemed to me as though her eyes were shining with resilience and
beauty, as she looked into my eyes.

Mike::In fact they were shining with pestilence and illness.

Servo::She’s really got to stop eating those roach motels Aragorn puts

"I suppose so."

"Would you care to sit down?" She requested.

Crow::(Legolas)There’s a lovely river right over this hill.

I spotted a raised root of a large willow tree and sat upon it.

Mike::Ah! A willow run!

Servo::Tom Bombadil! Tom Bombadil!

She looked rather shocked that I was sitting upon a root.

Crow::As opposed to the river, like usual.

"My dear Legolas, you do not wish for something more comfortable?" Without
waiting for a reply, she starting to weave her hands through the air,

Mike::(Via)Oh man, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten the pizza.

whispering words in that tongue I do not understand.

Servo::So he can’t speak any version of Elvish, only light cursing in
Dwarfish, or any Orc. Does he know anything for being around as long as
he supposedly has?

Crow::Now he knows that all of the songs of old are wrong and that
the Valar do not wait for him beyond the grey havens and that the only
thing at the end of life is Disco hell.

Mike::That’s depressing.

Suddenly, several willow branches fell and connected themselves
forming a seat.

Servo::Which was really impressive considering a willow trees structure.

Two others hooked onto my shoulders and lifted me into the seat.

Crow::(Legolas)Ah! Nice trees, nice trees I’ll do whatever you say just
don’t eat me.

I noticed she was already sitting in a chair, being rocked back and
forth by the vines. I then took to account that I was also being swayed
by the vines. It was a peaceful setting.

Servo::(Legolas)How do you get them to slow down?

Mike::(Via)I haven’t learned that yet.

Servo::(Legolas)Oh man, I’m going to hurl.

"When did you last see Mirkwood?" She inquired, breaking the silence.

"But two years ago."

Crow::Aragorn was busy replanting some stupid tree so I stole Shadowfax
from Gandalf and terrorized Mirkwood.

I answered. "Where do you come from?" I inquired.

"My father lives in a city off the borderline of Rohan."

Mike::Oh so your Dad’s Wormtongue then?

Rohan? She was not of elvish birth than?

Servo::Obviously not since Rohan was not colonized by the elves, since,
um, well . . . maybe I’ll just shut up now.

Crow::Thank you.

"Oh, I had assumed you were an elf." I replied.

"My mother was an elf, from the Golden Wood."

Mike::At least it seemed golden when she came home hung over in the
morning from the parties the Rohirrm had thrown.

She did not seem to react well the up-bringing of her mother.

Servo::(Via)I really think my Grandparents should have followed the
Jungian approach to raising her.

"How long have you arched?


Mike::(Legolas)Oh you mean you didn’t build the Roman aqueducts. Never

You are a perfect archer from what I have seen." I said, trying
to make this a nicer situation.

Servo::(Legolas)So you don’t like your Mom huh? What, did she like forget
you at the mall one day or something?

"I received my first bow and quiver at my parent's wedding, when I was

Crow::(Via)Yeah I was a bit of an oopsie.

It was a present, from a friend of my father's I believe."

Mike::He was dressed as a huge wolf and he kept telling me to kill my
whole family.

"How long have you arched?" She asked me, turning her eyes to mine.

Servo::So far the only thing I’ve seen these people do is move their
eyes and get thrown back and forth by a murdering tree.

"As long as I can remember. Three thousand years is too much to remember."
I shook my head.

Crow::(Legolas)Then again three months is too long to remember.

'Twas too much to remember.

Mike::the night before Christmas, and all through the tree, not a creature
was stirring, not even a bee.

"Ah, I remember my three thousand years as well,

Servo::(Legolas)Yeah well I don’t really care so shut up!

'tis not always the happiest memories.

Crow::(Via)Yeah that whole marriage to Saurman, boy was that a mistake.
Did you know the bastard actually wore all white to it?

I remember seeing things killed,

Mike::Me being mostly behind them.

my mother's death, my friend's death.

Servo::You’d think I was cursed or something.

No, 'tis not all happy memories."

"Aye." She sounded as though she had only upsetting memories.

Crow::As well as if she were Scottish.

"Your highness, upon which time do you go out to shoot archery?"


Servo::Oh just curious about what would be the best time for you to
have an accident.

She tilted her head looking sweet.

Crow::Then she started to look salty.

"I have no set time for everyday."

Mike::(Legolas)I just like to shoot arrows from wherever I am, keeps
everyone on their toes.

I replied, brushing a strand of hair from my face. I noticed two
vines slither down and approach her hair, and they started weaving her
hair into a long braid, still covering her ears.

Servo::Man did Treebeard get one hell of a crappy job after overthrowing

"How would you like to join me for my archery practice tomorrow? I usually
practice by the dawn,

Crow::(Via)That way it’s nearly impossible to tell what I’m shooting

but if you wish I shall wait until the tenth hour."

Mike::(Legolas)Anyway, I need to be getting back, lots of liquor left
to drink.

She looked as though she held grace, elegance, and strength all
at the same time.

Servo::Clutched in her vein-popping fist daring anyone to even think
about taking them from her.

"I would enjoy that gravely madam."

Crow::(Via)And you’d better enjoy it, or I’ll give you something to
be grave about.

I noticed the vines were slowly bringing us closer, until a point
which the two sets of vines combined into one,

Mike::Oh great now they’re going to end up dead and back in Disco hell.

Servo::(Legolas)Quick someone call Aragorn, I know he’s killed more
than enough people to get a few free souls.

making one chair seating both of us. She fell into my lap, not
seeming to notice, or care.

Crow::(Legolas)Um she’s not breathing again, what does that mean? Are
you dead or just asleep?

Mike::(Treebeard)I dunno.

She was cradled close to me.

She felt warm within my touch.

Servo::She must have just been taken out of the oven.

She felt as though she was a feather, floating atop me.

Crow::(Via)What did I tell you, no more wire stunts. I can’t take it

I felt the smoothness of her gown, the tenderness of her skin.

Mike::The dry and itchy scratchiness of her eczema.

I could just completely wrap myself around her.

Servo::Better be careful or the vines are going to get jealous.

Unfortunately, she slid herself across my lap back unto the vines.

"I must be leaving now." She fluttered her eyelids at me.

Crow::(Legolas)Um, are you having a seizure or just being dumb?

"Ah, but I enjoyed your company immensely, must you leave?" I wanted
to have her close to me again.

Mike::(Legolas)So I could just get my fingers around her neck and squeeze.

"Aye, but I must.

Servo::(Via)I’ve got to go work on my Scottish accent.

Good night my dear prince." She smiled, and walked away, haunting

Crow::So she’s dead again then.

with thoughts that would carry over for long days.

Mike::But since we’re probably going to have to read about every second
of those stupid days who cares.


Continuing from Vianene's Point of View

Servo::Oh yeah, continue this.


This was so easy; I was going to have this game won over in no time.

Crow::What game?

Mike::You know the survive this story without losing all hope for life

Crow::Oh, I think I just lost then.

Then I could leave, and go see Eomer,

Servo::He’s busy trying to figure out exactly what he’s supposed to
be in charge of now.

and maybe head towards Rivendell.

Mike::Too bad Elrond moved and didn’t leave a forwarding address.


Legolas' Point of View


'Twas shortly after the dawn was raised.

Crow::For though art lovely and more temperate.

I roamed the halls, attempting to warm my body up.

Servo::(Legolas)That’s the last time I get so drunk I fall asleep in
the freezer.

After feeling the heat of Vianene's body against my own, I felt
as though my body was constantly cold.

Mike::(Legolas)Actually ever since then I’ve felt woozy, vomited left
and right, and haven’t been able to see.

I strode through countless halls and corridors, all similar and yet

Crow::Legolas, Prince of Vagueness.

A different tone of paint, a different texture of flooring. It
wasn't the most entertaining thing.

Servo::No one ever said redecorating was.

'Twas upon that point that I came across small glass containment.

Mike::A small glass containment by any other name would smell as sweet.

It stood upon a pedestal and was raised up to my chin level, Aragorn's
head level. 'Twas the palintir,

Crow::Not exactly the safest thing to put one of the lost seeing stones

Servo::Aragorn’s getting sick and tired of the calls from Eowyn so
he just stuck the thing in there and hoped it would break.

the globe we had retrieved from Orthanc.

Mike::Too bad all it gets is court tv.

I stared at the hues, tints, and shades of purple, maroon and
red, that were dispersed upon the surface of it.

Crow::Legolas can’t seem to look below the surface.

Suddenly the colours began to swirl.

Servo::(Legolas)Oh god look out, here comes my breakfast!

I became entranced in its motion, only suddenly holding me into
its vision.

Mike::So that’s where Arwen keeps all the eyes she steals.

What I saw there was a scare thing.

Crow::(Legolas)I think it was some type of a scarecrow, but it had three
arms, so I was a bit confused.

My fear, pain, and sorrow rose to an extent so high I was afraid
I would be pushed against from the vision in sheer pain.

Servo::Sure whatever, shouldn’t you be getting in an archery accident
now or something.

I first saw Vianene's face, the lovely face that was hers.

Mike::(Legolas)And it looked like she was dead again.

Crow::(Gandalf)For the last bloody time, you do have to breathe!

She was weeping of sorrow, tears spilled over her cheeks. I saw
cuts and lashes,

Servo::Long beautiful Mabelline lashes.

deep wounds that scarred her face.

Mike::Man whoever has that other palantir really needs some help.

I then saw the rest of her body, dirt filled, and the wounds that
engulfed her face were shared throughout her tender body.

Crow::(Legolas)Oh wait this isn’t a Palantir, it’s only Galadriel’s

Her clothes looked as though made of sack,

Servo::Legolas must have hit his head a lot last night.

and reduced to very little, holes everywhere.

Mike::(Legolas)Me start think, brain go bye bye.

I got the notion that she had not eaten for days.

Crow::(Legolas)But it was just a crazy little thought.

I tried to run, and as I struggled to reach her, I noted I was chained
down and held back.

Servo::Hey Prometheus are you going to give any mortals fire again,
huh, huh?

I had to reach her; I could not let her endure such pain.

Mike::(Legolas)Well, I mean I guess I could just watch for a few minutes.

I next saw an uruk-hai enter the vision. He held a whip.

Crow::It was very odd since they’re all dead. Maybe Aragorn needs to
get this rock returned.

He began to beat her, and say things that I could not understand.
He continued beating her, lashing at her entire body. She was fighting,
but she was weak. I struggled again to help her, to slay the uruk-hai.

Servo::Okay, anyone else think he’s wandered into Galadriel’s mirror?

Mike::That would be the only way any of this could make sense.

She showed little strength, but she resisted the whip well. I noted
that her face was full of vengeance, and that she too was shouting in a
language foreign to me.

Crow::Which isn’t that hard since he barely understands one.

I then heard the conversation played over in English.

Servo::(Legolas)Hey cool, look there’s a directors commentary on this

"You were instructed not to do as you have!" The uruk said, lashing
her with the whip yet again.

Mike::(Orc)I thought I told you to get pink frosting not yellow.

"Mayhap if my father wasn't the man he is you would not have to lash
out under another's will Meunhuko!"

Crow::Okay so is his name Mayhap or Meunhuko.

Servo::Terry Huko Hogan.

The mere fact that she knew this uruk's name, let alone seemed
to know his cause astounded me.

Mike::(Legolas)How could she remember such an ugly person’s name?

She seemed as though she could not bear the pain of all, but that
she must.

Crow::So even though she couldn’t she did?

Servo::Huh what, oh um, yeah.

Crow::What are doing?

Servo::Just trying to figure out how this abomination could have happened.

Crow::Put down The Silmarillion, it’s only going to make you madder.

I watched as the vision continue on,

Mike::(Legolas)Now Orc begin beat me. Not have affect though.

her being beaten by many an orc, and uruk.

Servo::Then some goblins and finally a Balrog and dragon dropped by.

I then saw that her tears had become drips of blood, her anger
now resent. I struggled but I seemed to be chained at a distance from me.

Crow::So you were chained away from yourself?

Mike::That sounds like it should hurt.

I saw the seventh uruk enter,

Servo::When did the other six come in?

Crow::Saurman white and the seven uruk-hai’s.

this one holding something else, some like a sword.

Mike::the breeding plan had taken a wrong turn when some of the uruk-hai
started to look like swords, and one even came out looking like a bucket.

The vision proceeded to show the uruk bending down to take the
sword and place cuts in her arms, and I saw that her hands were burned
of rope, and bound by it.

Servo::Wait was she chained away from herself too?

I wanted to slice the uruk's head off for drawing blood from her
sweet body.

Crow::What is it with him and the four tastes?

They all sat and laughed at her as she fell unconscious, and they all
left. Soon another orc, one who seemed to be less slimly,

Mike::They’re not really slimy, that’s just a myth. However they can
unhinge their jaws to eat though.

one holding a plant came in.

Servo::(Orc)Look at what I’ve got to kill, yeah!

The orc placed the plant by Vianene's side, and placed Vianene's hand
upon the plant.

Crow::(Via)You stupid moron, I told you to get me an aloe plant not
a geranium.

"You have to survive this torture Via, you have to. Middle Earth depends
on you."

Mike::Now this is some screwed up kind of torture, convincing her that
she’s way more important than she really is.

Could she really have a destiny that great that the survival of
Middle Earth depended on her alone?


Crow::No Way.

Mike::Over my dead body.


Servo::Oh no, not him too.

she had a right to hide things from people, but if she had a destiny,
why did she seem as though she had no path to walk upon within her lifetime?

Crow::So is Legolas a path salesman now?

Mike::Either that or a sign maker for paths.

Other orcs came in, and started to beat her again. They ripped her clothes,
took blood from her arms, and lashed at her legs.

Servo::The first cloning project.

I fought and struggled, but I seemed bound to my position.

Crow::Away from myself.

She sat up and whispered in a voice low enough that I could only just
hear her "Why was it me who was condemned to this fate?"

Mike::Because you pissed off Mandos, Morgoth, and a few other heavy

She fell unconscious yet again, and I was forced to watch several more
beatings, to watch her die before my very eyes.

Servo::No not back to Disco hell. You send us back there and I’m going
to start beating you.

"Vianene!" I called to her. I was suddenly hit very hard from the side
and knocked down to the floor.

Crow::(Orc)Why did you do that Ron?

Mike::(Ron)I don’t know I just felt like hitting the wall. Sometimes
I get mad and I just need some way to vent my anger.

The vision faded. I was back in the hallway of the castle. A hand was
extended to me. I grasped it and was helped to me feet.

Servo::(Aragorn)Hey Dude Legolas, can you see this morning. You were
hitting the stuff pretty hard last night.

I saw that the hand belonged to Aragorn.

Crow::Which was odd since Arwen was extending it.

"I apologize for ramming you into the ground my friend, but you were
entranced by the palintir,

Mike::(Aragorn)Actually I don’t apologize, man was it fun. Can I do
it again?

and I cannot let you be consumed into a world which is not real.

Servo::Oh no, anything but Disneyland!

Your father would surely kill me."

Crow::(Legolas)Yeah but he’s so senile he’d kill me if he could get
his hands around a sword.

"A world which is not real?" I repeated, wondering what had truly happened.

Mike::You just sent Tolkien’s world packing and started to create your
own twisted and demented view.

"The palintir has shown fears, past, present, future, and other worlds."

Servo::(Legolas)Isn’t it only supposed to show what the holder wants
to see?

Crow::(Aragorn)Well it did until I accidentally broke it. How was I
supposed to know it wasn’t dishwasher safe?

Mayhap it was a past, or maybe a fear, but I prayed it would not be
the future, she could not endure that pain.

Mike::And we can’t even remotely endure the idea that she might be important
to anyone but a few vines.

"Mayhap you should rest Legolas, you seem to shake." He looked upon
me with utmost concern, seeming to care.

Servo::Even though his speaking abilities were starting to go too.

Mike::(Legolas)God what was in that mead last night?

Crow::(Aragorn)I not do know, but it good was right?

"I think I shall take that advice Aragorn." I fled down the hall to
my chamber.

Servo::(Aragorn)Why do the kids always want to play with my dangerous
tool of mystery? I’d better put it some where safe. Hey you below the window,

It had been an experience I would never forget.

Crow::That is until it’s three hundred years later.


From Vianene's Point of View


I walked through the halls swiftly.

Mike::There was a sale on eye of newt.

My body felt warm, heated as though the heat of the air last night
was still amongst my body.

Servo::(Via)But that’s impossible since I’m a cold hearted witch.

I shifted my tunic, pulling it down farther.

Crow::Come on now, leave a little mystery.

It was green, and was weaved by the leaves of an oak tree.

Mike::Actually, it was a sumac tree.

Servo::You may want to get Gandalf’s stash of calamine lotion.

My pants had been created by the dirt of Lorien,

Crow::Are dirt filled pants the newest fad here in Middle Earth?

Servo::What can I say, they love dirt.

by my mother's garden. 'Twas my favourite outfit to wear,

Mike::(Via)Oh great, stupid pizza stains. Out damn spot!

I could do anything in it, arch, ride, or sit and think.

Crow::Somehow I seriously doubt the "think" part.

And I suppose sitting and thinking was what I was to be doing
for the next hour and half.

Mike::There’s a lot of milling around in Middle Earth.

Servo::Listen to me very carefully ­ DO SOMETHING!

I found myself in my own room.

Crow::Stupid Arwen had locked her door again.

I laid my body on the floor and closed my eyes.

I came up with a list of priorities.

Mike::(Via)Eat, Drink, Sit Around, Die.

10. Kill my father.

Servo::(Via)Bastard wouldn’t finance my trip to Europe.

9. Talk to Mithrandir about my hate for my father.

Servo::Freud would have a field day with her.

Crow::What about a highly sarcastic pudgy talking gumball machine?

Servo::Shut up.

8. Make something from the trees for Arwen.

Mike::She’s always wanted her own compost pile.

7. Get better at my archery.

6. Visit Galadriel and Elrond.

Crow::Oh no, you’re not going off to Valinor. I’ll use everything within
my power to stop you.

5. Recover everything my mother owned, and ask Fangorn to keep it amongst
the ents.

Mike::I don’t know how much I’d trust Treebeard.

Servo::Yeah he did lose all of the Entwives after all.

4. Write out something.

Crow::(Via)Realize that I have just written out a list and scratch out
number 4.

3. Do something with my unnecessary thoughts that I need to get rid

Mike::Look into Goodwill.

2. slit someone's throat, preferably my father's.

Servo::And coming in at the number 1 reason why Via is a murderess psycho
. . . She want’s to kill everyone.

Win this seduction game, so I can get to the rest of my priorities.

Crow::This is such an unimportant priority that she didn’t even give
it a number.

I think that my hostile thoughts towards my father are his own fault.
After all, mayhap I shouldn't have been born.

Mike::(Via)Because if I hadn’t been born then I couldn’t hate my father,

I believe that the thoughts that I wish to rid myself of are the
entire fault of Legolas.

Servo::Yes it’s his entire fault that you hate your relatives, and by
no means the simple fact that you killed your entire family with an axe.

You mean like how his eyes make you want to melt.

Crow::Legolas’ eyes are made entirely of water?

And how you want him to be near you again.

Mike::So you can go for his jugular.

Or that you want him to kiss you again.

Servo::When did that happen?

Crow::What, hell I don’t remember. The last thing I remember reading
was that stupid grocery list.

Those thoughts precisely!

Mike::(Via)Oh and a few others involving a duck.

I do not believe they have a right to be in my head, and therefore
should be discarded.

Servo::I recommend a sledgehammer. That’ll clear out your memory very

Once I leave for Rohan I am sure that they will disperse. Well
Vianene, the faster you win, and that he cracks, the faster you get to

Crow::Why is this scary person annoying all of Middle Earth?

Mike::Can we just ship her to Shelob? She’s got to be hungry by now.

I set out in search of the soul whom's emotions I would fiddle and toy

Servo::And whom’s brain did not know good grammar.

Too bad I had arched at dawn and had no intention of performing archery
what so ever.

Crow::Sure okay whatever.

Mike::Just keep hitting yourself in the head eventually amnesia will
take over and you’ll be gone.


Legolas' Point of View

Servo::Fine whatever, I gave up caring about two thousand pages ago.


It was finally the tenth hour.

Crow::(Legolas)The View was on.

My body had ceased shaking so that it was barely visible, to the
eyes of a human.

Mike::Legolas, stop eating the bright red berries!

But would Vianene notice?

Servo::Hopefully by the next time you see her she won’t even know who
she is.

I picked up my bow and arrows. I may take a few shots, then put down
my bow

Crow::Then scurry up a tree and start spying again.

and make some cheeky comment such as "I can no longer shoot properly,
for your beauty distracts me."

Mike::(Legolas)Um, would you like me to ransack your village? No stupid.
Save that for the second date!

Servo::Legolas’ pickup lines need a little work.

I had to find a way to hold her again. I had to. My sanity depended
upon it.

Crow::(Legolas)I must throw her off the cliff!

My lips itched.

Servo::(Legolas)Oh great, I swallowed a bee again.

I recalled the brief fleeting moment when she had collided with
me and we ended up in a short, but sweet kiss.

Mike::Ah he’s thinking about that squirrel again.

Crow::(Legolas)Maybe I should give her a call? Send her some flowers
or a box of acorns?

My arms started to long to hold her, to consume her, and never release

Mike::So he wants to eat her?

Servo::Call some trolls, but wait until it’s night.

Now my entire body is in a conspiracy against me?

Crow::Well it is owned by ENRON.

I pushed the thoughts aside, and went down to the back gates of
the forestry area.

Mike::Is there a reason the forest is gated?

Servo::Aragorn was sick and tired of Elves dropping in from the trees
so he had the entire place covered in a twenty-foot high electric fence.

She greeted me warmly, from about thirty feet away, motioning for me
to follow her.

Crow::Come into the light!

She ran off into the forest and I ran after her following.

Mike::As opposed to running after her but not following.

She made several turns, and kept running.

Servo::Legolas doesn’t realize it but he’s just joined up with the Boston

I couldn't understand why it was that I could not catch her,

Crow::(Legolas)Maybe I’m just losing my mind and am chasing after imaginary
people in the woods.

but mayhap it was a game.

Mike::I will never pretend to understand why you continually use this
"mayhap" and I no longer care.

I kept running, my pace consistent, and I soon lost sight of her.

Servo::(Legolas)Maybe I should have thought about speeding up.

I searched all around but I could not find her.

Crow::(Legolas)Um be careful to not sit on Old Faithful. Bye.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. I spun round, to find her with a cocky

Mike::And a rooster in her mouth.

"Can you not keep up with me Legolas?" She said, taunting me.

Servo::(Legolas)Who are you?

Crow::(Woman)Oh sorry, wrong elf dressed in tights. Have you seen Herbie
the misfit elf?

"We'll see who can and can not keep up with whom." I said, somewhat


Servo::(Legolas)I SAID, actually I’m not exactly sure what I just said.

I suppose she heard me, for she raised an eyebrow, as if doubting

Crow::Hey Aragorn, we were wondering what happened to you.

Mike::Arwen must be getting sick and tired of having to wash his dresses
all the time.

I ran forward and swept her up in my arms, tickling her.

Servo::So she’s ticklish when people pile drive her. Okay.

She let out a gust of laughter.

Crow::We will have a North wind with a thirty-mile per hour gust of
laughter today.

It was a sweet sound, like bells ringing clear on a soft day,
being drifted through soothing winds.

Mike::So she swallowed the jingle bells she hangs around her neck, big

She suddenly looked up. "Don't think you're getting away with this."

Servo::(Via)I have people on the inside who know your every move.

She said, grabbing my arm with both of her hands and pulled me

Crow::No, no, no, not that feet fighting mess again.

I fell softly onto my side and started rolling downhill.

Mike::(Wesley)As you wish!

Since my arms were still attached to her torso, she started rolling
alongside me.

Servo::Yeah! He’s finally going to kill her.

When we finally stopped, I sat up, her body lying still on the ground.
My one arm was over her, and I took her into perspective.

Crow::(Legolas)Let’s see, weird psycho with a tendency to die and come
back who annoys all of Middle Earth. Yep it’s Via.

Then I became possessed by emotion.

Mike::(Legolas)Depression hit me harder than I thought possible.

I bent down and kissed her lips, taking in her infatuating, beautiful

Servo::Mm, chicken.

My senses blared up.

Crow::(Legolas)For the first time in my life I could smell, and man
did I stink.

I could feel her, taste her, I could smell her wondrous scent.

Mike::She’s been around as long as you have without bathing once, I’m
pretty sure she smells like a hotdog left outside in the summer for a month.

I noticed that her arms had drifted round her neck,

Servo::He kisses so bad she was trying to choke herself.

and my hands were placed upon her back. I pulled her in closer,
never wanting to let go.

Crow::(Via)I have to puke.

Servo::(Legolas)Um, I’ll just let go this once.

I couldn't understand why she was actually kissing me, letting
myself kiss her.

Mike::Big difference there bud.

Crow::Just ask the judge.

Legolas, you may not understand it, but you don't have to until later.
For now, just kiss her, Eleberth help you.

Mike::I don’t know how much his belches can help him.


Vianene's POV


Vianene! Pull yourself away from this elf!

Servo::For the love of God, what would Santa think!

What would Melash think?

Crow::Well you should know since he lives in your head.

You're going to give him the wrong impression! All the voices in my
head were ganging up on my actions.

Mike::(Santa)Kill him!

Crow::(Melash)No you’ll have to go back to disco hell.

Servo::(Head three)Well what do I think?

Crow::(Aragorn)Am I going to have to be in this story anymore or can
I just leave?

You're going to hurt him! What about Armenoir?

Mike::Now she’s thinking about her furniture? What’s next, her dresser,
maybe the Lazy Susan?

One voice inquired. I quickly shut it out and broke the kiss.

Servo::(Via)That’s it, all of you out of my head now!

Mike::(Legolas)Um, okay, bye.

"You are a regular Pilin aren't you?" He cocked his head to the side.

Crow::(Legolas)How dare you call me a one-celled organism!

"Just as much as you are a Megil." I replied.

Servo::(Legolas)Look um, I don’t think this is going to work out since
you keep making up words.

Mike::(Via)Oh yeah you stinkin’ Jascka, come back here you Illac.

I looked into his eyes only to see an emotion that I wished I
would never have to see again.


"I must leave." I stuttered. I stood and ran, tears ready to spill over
my cheeks, without permission.

Servo::(Legolas)Hey I can cry if I want to.


Without any idea where my legs were taking me, I ran straight
to Melash.

Crow::She just crossed a line if she’s started to run into the voices
in her head.


Legolas' Point of View


Pilin.the perfect name for her. It was the only word that would ever
describe the ferocity, anger, beauty and compassion that was withheld by

Servo::That and dumbass.

In all terror and fear I have ever felt one female can strike up more
emotion than I have ever felt.

Mike::(Legolas)Arwen, man can she bring anyone trembling to their knees.
Even Gandalf’s scared to death of her.

When I look into her eyes I am frightened by the terror they behold,
yet entranced by their beauty.

Crow::(Legolas)I’m kind of an idiot.

I can see the fierce waves of the ocean during a storm.

Servo::(Legolas)As soon as I get my lazy butt back to the shore.

I can remember the greenest grasses, and the yellows of the golden

Mike::Big deal, who can’t.

Crow::Mamma always told me not to look into the eyes of the sun. .

The colour that swirls among her eyes, the emotion they shield.

Her figure makes me believe that Eleberth

Servo::You know Iluvatar is gonna start to get pissed when he finds
out there’s this new guy on the block.

Mike::That and in Legolas’ head, his name sounds like a beery belch.

favoured the women, because she holds the much better figure of

Crow::What with hips and all that actually help pants to stay on.

It holds curves and straight lines.

Servo::No no, not that old and yet new thing again. I am trying so hard
to forget about that.

It seemed like there was endless possibilities.

Mike::If he starts singing about diversity I’m hitting the exit.

Crow::Has Disney decided to remake Lord of the Rings or something?

It seemed like all others mattered not now.

Servo::(Legolas)Even if they were hanging onto nothing but a vine as
their legs dangled above a precipice they didn’t matter.

I had seen many beauties, such as my brother's Mialesque of Lothlorien,

Mike::But since she was just a block of wood I don’t really think she

but none could compare to her. I would disperse long moments wishing
to fell her lips upon my own.

Crow::Legolas has a lot of issues if he wants to cut down her lips.

*~Some Days Later~*

I was walking through the halls of the castle of Gondor when my ears
heard another conversation.

Servo::As opposed to the one he had been listening to before.

Crow::(Aragorn)Okay, so if I agree to join you, you’ll get Arwen off
my back.


I came upon Mithrandir's rooms, the door wide open,

Servo::I do not want to watch Gandalf slide around in his underwear
to a Bob Seger song.

I peered inside. I saw Gandalf sitting at his table with Vianene
next to him.

Crow::(Gandalf)For the last time, if you don’t start taking your medication,
you’re going to keep running into the voices in your head.

"Well, Ne, I believe it is the twenty second day of the month of March,
the first of spring."

Mike::He gets asked what day it is so much Gandalf must carry a calendar
tacked onto his staff.

He said to her. Ne must be a nickname for her.

Servo::Oh no no no. No knights of Ni, we do not need those guys running

"Yes Gandalf, 'tis. What is the importance of this day?" She chuckled.

Crow::(Gandalf)Are you kidding me this is the day we can make an egg
stand straight up.


Crow::(Gandalf)Hey you try being a wizard, I need something to make
everyone fear me again.

"I believe that a person in court has a birthday today." Mithrandir

Servo::Poor Gandalf, everyone’s forgotten about his birthday again.

Mike::So that’s why he tells everyone what day it is, so they won’t
forget again next year.

He handed her a white parcel that was more so wide than it had

Crow::He gave her a tablet of paper?

Servo::(Gandalf)Look we’re sick and tired of you wandering around Middle
Earth. Instead we hope you spend your time making lists.

I stared at the lot intently, wondering what it was.

Mike::(Gandalf)I’m Crazy Wizard Gandalf and I’m willing to do anything
to get you to drive away in a brand new car here at Crazy Wizards Used
Car Lot.

What a birthday was I did not know, but I watched attentively.

Crow::(Legolas)Of course I’m not really sure what string is either.

"Oh Mithrandir you old ass!"

Servo::Okay, RUN!

Mike::What did I say about the underwear thing?

Crow::Apparently, he doesn’t have any on.

She laughed and placed the package on the table so she could hug
the elderly man.

Servo::I wouldn’t touch him until he puts some pants back on.

She returned to the parcel and lifted the lid. "Gandalf it's exquisite."

Mike::(Via)Um, what is it?

Crow::(Gandalf)Well I found this dead squirrel while I was off wandering
around and I instantly thought of you.

She lifted a branch made of glass, with several glass leaves attached.

Servo::Oh great Gandalf’s one of those people who gives you the crap
he was given for his last birthday.

It was beautifully crafted.

Mike::(Via)It’s supposed to look like someone in a wagon accident, right?

It appeared to be from a real tree, yet crafted by human hands.

"Send your magic through it." He whispered to her.

Crow::Gandalf’s going to try and trap all her "powers" in a glass thing.


She closed her eyes and tightened her grip around the branch.

Mike::And it exploded in her hands.

Crow::(Via)Anyway, thanks for the pieces of glass which I invented
by the way.

Servo::(Gandalf)Yeah whatever.

When she opened her eyes some short time later she looked rather

Mike::She found herself chained to a rock about to be pushed into the

Crow::(Gandalf)As we send this annoyance off into the wide blue yonder
we look back upon her life and cringe. All right throw her in!

"It's real!" She squealed, sounding light

Servo::That’s got to get annoying if you have to sing to get the lights
to turn on.

a delighted child with a new toy.

Mike::Yes compare your protagonist to a two year old, brilliant writing.

Crow::(Via)I’d still rather have my busy box.

"But these only grow in two places." the look on her face turned
to utter confusion.

Servo::Then distress, then relief.


Crow::(Gandalf)Jeez, someone open a window. Oh right they are all open.

"Mithrandir how did you obtain this?" she demanded.

Servo::(Gandalf)Let me just say that should you ever run into a guy
named Joey Skinny Lips, run.

"Do not worry child. I made no extensive journey.

Mike::(Gandalf)Aragorn was about to throw it out. Apparently, Arwen
has him doing some spring-cleaning.

I met a merchant who had a few for sale. Of course, I made sure
it was real first,

Crow::Wow they had Certificates of Authenticity back then too.

but the look on your face was well worth the price." He paused,
and smiled.

Servo::(Gandalf)Ha ha, you actually thought I’d go to some length for
you. Right.

"I assume you like it?"

"Mithrandir, I love it! But I cannot accept such a gift!"

Mike::And she throws it out the window.

"You can and you will."

Crow::(Gandalf)Or so help me!

He chuckled. It sounded like a routine they had practiced and
played out before.

Servo::Yes daily the two of them would get together and plan out exactly
what they should say during her birthday.

Mike::Ah, ever since the ring was destroyed Gandalf’s had a lot of
free time.

I fled the site in search of Aragorn. I needed to learn more about birthdays.

Crow::(Legolas)But first I needed to figure out how to walk. Do I just
push both feet out in front of me at the same time?


Vianene's Point of View


I could not understand how Mithrandir came to obtain such a plant,
but I remembered it well.

Servo::(Via)It was nice and green with three leaves. Although I have
started itching ever since I touched it.

It was, after all, my favourite plant.

Mike::I’ll bet she’s one of those people who thinks dandelions are flowers.

I remembered them from a garden when I lived with my father.

Crow::Wow, I never thought Wormtongue was a botanist.

Servo::Yes, daily he would sit around with George Washington Carver
discussing how great peanuts are and how much Saurman sucked.

I used to lie in the dirt next to the plants that held these exquisite

Mike::Not breathing, thinking about how I’d really like to throw apples
at people or sleep in rivers.

and think, admiring their beauty. My father would scold me for
lying in the dirt, and command that I bathe.

Crow::(Via)Right, I haven’t bathed yet and I’m not about to.

I would leave his presence, bathe,

Servo::As opposed to simply wallowing in the dirt.

then look at either the plants from my window or at the hairpin
that Armenoir gave me.

Mike::So she’s had this voice in her head presence problem for quite
a while huh?

Armenoir..painful memories flooded back to me.

Crow::Why oh why did my armoire have to catch on fire?

He had been my shoulder, my happiness.

Servo::(Via)God I loved that shoulder.

"I wanted to make sure I gave it to you before you left.

Mike::(Gandalf)We can talk again, Legolas has gone off to spy on someone

When are you leaving?" Gandalf's voice flooded in, intruding my

Crow::Look out, she’s getting mad again.

Mike::(Via)You won’t like me when I’m angry.

"I leave in 16 days. I had intended to leave by tomorrow's dawn; however
certain things prolong my stay."

Servo::Oh yeah annoying us until we cease to exist, right.

I replied, my mind elsewhere.

Mike::She’d left it in the dungeons of Angband a long time ago.

"Those things that are prolonging your stay wouldn't happen to involve
a tall, blonde elf would they?" He raised his eyebrows.

Crow::Aragorn must have Gandalf locked up in a closet somewhere.

Servo::Not really a smart thing to do with wizards now is it.

"Ellii no!"

Mike::When did this become the Beverly Hillbillies?

I chuckled at the thought. "There are about 100 uruks at a fourteen
days march from the castle.

Crow::(Gandalf)Um Via, Ne, whatever the hell I seem to be calling you
now, those guys were all killed off a while ago.

I believe they wish to intrude, however I do not wish for them
to perish, so I must stay."

Servo::(Via)I don’t want them to crash my party but I’m too tired to
kill them.

Mike::(Via)Plus Aragorn’s invited me down to the cement pond.

He raised his eyebrows. "What? I heard them!"

Crow::That’s good Gandalf, I’m glad you heard them.

Servo::Oh man, he’s starting to lose it too.

Mike::Look just get to the Grey Havens before you lose all your marbles.

I looked away, the situation had been verily seriously considered.

Crow::(Via)I mean I flipped a coin and everything.

"Ellii help you, Via.

Servo::(Elli)But I don’t want to help her Jethro.

You lived with those orcs far too long." He chuckled as well.

Mike::(Gandalf)Ha ha, you had such a crappy childhood. God makes me
laugh every time I think about it.

"I blame my father for my manners and whom I care for.

Crow::(Via)Why the hell did I agree to look after the old goat. I should
have just told my sister to put him in a home.

After all, understanding the orcs makes it so much harder to slaughter
them." I tossed my hair back.

Servo::This is why you’re not supposed to name your farm animals.

"Yes I see." He paused, putting a finger to his chin to try and remember

Mike::(Gandalf)Oh that’s right I need to be going. I think there’s a
ring hidden in the Shire that needs to be destroyed. Or something like

"I believe Arwen said she wishes to speak with you."

Crow::(Gandalf)Actually I think she told me that about two months ago.
Sorry, but the old memory seems to be slipping more and more.

"Thank you Gandalf, I shall treasure it always." I fluffed my hair back
in to place.

Servo::What, did she have it covering her eyes as she talked to Gandalf?

Mike::It’s the only way Gandalf’s ever known her, as Cousin It.

"Go!" He winked at me and I ran for Arwen's chambers.

Crow::Gandalf seems to really enjoy yelling at people to run.


Legolas' Point of View


At last I found Aragorn.

Mike::Oh so he hasn’t died and been eaten up by the Earth, you owe me
five bucks Servo.

Servo::Stupid lazy character, if you’re going to be in this story do

He had been sitting in one of his libraries, studying a map.

Crow::(Aragorn)I want to see mountains again Legolas, mountains. Then
find a quiet place to finish my book.

Servo::(Legolas)Uh-huh. Arwen, he thinks he’s Bilbo now.

"Aragorn! I require assistance; will you be obliged to help?" I inquired,
coming up close.

Crow::(Aragorn)I wasn’t doing anything! Oh it’s just you, what do you
want now?

Mike::(Legolas)What are you doing?

Crow::(Aragorn)Re-alphabetizing my playboys. Now go stand watch for

"Of course my friend, anything's better than map work.

Servo::I hate to tell you this Aragorn, but you do command lots of other
people who could probably be doing this.

Mike::Yeah just make your son do it. That is what allowance is for
after all.

What is it?" He turned his head to look at me properly.

Servo::No one really wants to look at the other characters in this story.

Crow::Can you blame them?

"I require knowledge of birthdays." I said hastily sitting down.

Mike::onto the floor.

Servo::(Legolas)I wish to know why Gandalf gave a psycho a branch that
she thought was glass, a substance that does not exist, when it was in
fact a normal branch.

"Well a birthday is a holiday celebrated by mortals,

Crow::It involves mass consumption of glucose covered in wax that is
lit on fire and many decorative pieces of paper strewn about the room.

in which they receive gifts upon the same date as their birth."

Mike::Unless you talk to the Hobbits. They’ve got a much sweeter deal
out there.

He answered, revealing how tired he truly was.

Servo::By slumping down into his Lazy-Boy and falling asleep.

"What would you get for such an occasion?" I dropped my head to the
side, my hair dangling from my face.

Crow::(Legolas)As opposed to being kept in my pocket.

"It depends on the person."

Mike::(Aragorn)Typically a boat load of crap that you have no use for.

I stared at Aragorn, a silent message transgressing from me to

Servo::(Legolas)Where do you keep your fine china? Where are your valuables?

Crow::(Aragorn)Legolas, I get enough of that mind reading crap from
my wife, if you want to steal something go ahead I’m too tired to stop

"For Vianene, I have no idea, maybe, metal polishing wax?" He
said, joking wearily.

Mike::Then he sighed wearily, and blinked wearily.

Servo::You know I haven’t seen him raise his eyebrows yet, are you
sure it’s really Aragorn.

"Aragorn..." I complained.


Mike::(Legolas)That’s all I got.

"I know, I know. The last thing she'll want is weight right?

Servo::So Via’s a supermodel now?

Crow::What is she Callista Flockhart in her spare time?

So maybe if you got her something, I suppose to wear?"

Mike::Oh no, bad idea.

Servo::No wonder he’s in the doghouse. I’ll bet he got Arwen something
in a size 6 and a half when she’s really a 6.

That might be a good suggestion. I stood from the chair, fleeing
the scene, off in search of a perfect present.

Crow::God these people run around more than the Three Stooges.

Mike::(Legolas)I have finished this rather droll conversation so I
must flee!

Servo::(Faramir)I need to think about feeding the dogs so I am going
to run around in a huge circle!

I walked straight to the rooms accompanied by Mithrandir.

Crow::(Legolas)Oh yeah I picked him up while I was racing around. He
was standing next to the fountain and he was so sure that he needed to
scratch something on Aragorn’s door but he didn’t know what.

He seemed to know her best of all people here, as well as knowing
about birthdays. To my luck I found him sitting at his table.

Mike::(Gandalf)Please insert quarter.

Servo::(Legolas)Gandalf, wake up. Why aren’t you moving?

Mike::(Gandalf)Please insert quarter.

"Mithrandir!" I cried, stumbling into his chambers.

Crow::(Legolas)Young man what did I tell you about cleaning your room.
I can barely walk in here.

Servo::(Gandalf)Fine whatever Mom.

"Legolas! What is it my boy?" He greeted me warmly, looking up from
his studies.

Mike::(Gandalf)I wasn’t planning an assault on Middle Earth!

"I need you to help me. I wish to know a bit more about Pil- Vianene."

Crow::(Gandalf)How did you know that was my real name?

Servo::(Legolas)Um, lucky guess.

I stuttered, unsure of how the elderly Istari would react.

Mike::But since he wasn’t there who really cares.

"Well what is there you need to know? I cannot give just any information
away you know."

Crow::(Gandalf)For example where I keep my own secret stash of pipe
weed, ain’t gonna happen. But I can tell you your name.

Servo::(Legolas)Thanks I seem to keep forgetting things I should already
know about like birthdays and how to speak in elvish.

He stated, leaning back in his chair. He motioned for me to sit.

Mike::On his lap?

Crow::(Gandalf)Now have you been a good elf this year? You haven’t
killed too many people right?

"I need to know what to get her for a birthday present." Gandalf lifted
his eyebrows.

Servo::(Legolas)Aragorn knock it off, you weren’t any help when you
were sleeping on your maps. Tell me where is Gandalf, and you’d better
not say that he has fallen again.

"Because you love her, am I correct?"

Mike::(Legolas)Yes I love Fran, there are you happy?

Crow::(Gandalf)Just look out for her ex Charon, that guy doesn’t like

I was stunned, and speechless that the man could obtain that information
like that.

Servo::Hey he’s the Police interrogator not you.

"Yes." I stuttered. The white pilgrim, as he was now called,

Mike::Actually, he seemed to be wearing more pastel colors to prepare
for the spring fashion now.

was a remarkable man.

Crow::even if he wasn’t 100% sure where he was.

"So you need something that will show your affection, correct?"

Servo::(Legolas)I was thinking something along the lines of a poison.

He said, never missing a beat.

Mike::What, did the Gondor orchestra wander in sometime during their

Crow::And on Bass we have Gandalf the whatever color he seems to be
wearing right now.

"Correct." I sighed; the man after all, did know everything there was
to know.

Servo::When did Gandalf become God?

Mike::Ah, just to Legolas who doesn’t seem to have a grasp on anything.

"So you need something that will touch her as well as come from your

Crow::(Gandalf)I recommend your aortic arch.

Servo::(Legolas)Don’t I need that?

Crow::(Gandalf)I’m not really sure anymore.

Think of possessions, instead of what you can get, what you already

Mike::(Gandalf)I recommend digging through your old attic. You’re sure
to find some broken lamp or something you can pass off as a birthday present.

Servo::Today on Gandalf the Grey Living.

He said smiling down at me, rising to make tea.

Crow::(Gandalf)Wait, what was I going to do?

Mike::(Legolas)I don’t know, what is that teapot for again?

I smiled as I thought of the perfect gift for her. I ran back to my
own chambers, tea could wait.

Servo::(Gandalf)Thank god he’s finally gone. Now back to the siege of


Vianene's Point of View


When I reached Arwen's chambers I saw her laughing with several other

Crow::(Arwen)I can’t believe what morons they all are. Legolas keeps
telling me he went to disco hell. Can you believe that?

Mike::(Woman 1)What an idiot.

Servo::(Woman 2)I can’t believe you’re willing to let him stay in the

Crow::(Arwen)Oh he doesn’t stay in the house, he just hangs out in
the trees.

"Oh, Vianene, this is Mialesque, I don't believe you've met.

Servo::(Via)Are you one of the voices in my head?

Mike::(Mialesque)I don’t think so.

She's Legolas' brother's bride to be."

Crow::Try saying that three times fast.

I noticed Arwen was trying to hold back laughter still.

Servo::(Arwen)I can’t believe he thinks he has a brother. Ha!

"No I don't believe I have." I smiled and held out my hand to her, but
she did not oblige.

Mike::(Malesque)Yeah um, you really should think about washing that.


Servo::(Malesque)For starters, your hands really shouldn’t be green
like that.

"Yes I heard that you've been fancied by several now."

Mike::But she refuses to wear all the doilies.

She gave me a rueful glance, most surely because of my outfit.

Crow::(Via)This time I had formed my dress from the mud out behind the
horse stables.

"I can assure you, my intentions have nothing to do with anyone but

Servo::(Via)I just want to annoy everyone I’ve ever met. Is that so

I glared at her.

"I'm sure." I was certain that was a challenge.

Mike::(Via)Are you sure you’re not one of the voices in my head.

Crow::No. Why?

Mike::(Via)Well we do keep fighting for no good reason. And Arwen keeps
laughing at me.

"I would advise that challenging an Istari is against your priorities
currently." I clenched my fists.

Servo::(Arwen)Um look I can see you’re both off of your medication again
so I’ll just be leaving.

Crow::(Via)I am Atari! Queen of Pac-Man!

Mike::(Malesque)Even though I have never met you, I still want to beat
you senseless.

"No, of course not." She smiled sweetly. She started to walk away, but
she stopped to hiss in my ear.

Servo::(Via)Yuck, say it don’t spray it.

"Just remember to leave Legolas alone.

Crow::The poor boy’s so confused he thinks he’s a fish right now.

I have whatever Hewtrive's best interests in my best interests.

Mike::Man Thranduil must have lost a bet if he named his son that.

Servo::Oh and Legolas is a lot better.

Mike::At least you can pronounce that.

Hewtrive's best interests are that Legolas stays with a heart
in one piece.

Crow::Not that he needs it anyway.

Servo::No no, it’s just their lungs. Apparently they don’t need lungs.

Crow::Do elves need salivary glands?

Got it, wench?" That was over- doing it.

Mike::Then again so is hyphening the middle of random words.

I let my fist raised,

Servo::Then I let my feet walked, and my brain remained damages.

elbow bent, snapping my knuckles on her nose. She winced with
pain and ran from the room.

Crow::(Malesque)Stop pushing on my nose. I just had rhinoplasty.

Mike::Is it really smart to beat up random people?

Servo::Arwen seems all right with it. All she’s done is laugh.

"Now Arwen, whatever did you call me for?" I demanded.

Crow::(Via)I ran all the way here to obscure land to find you.

"To inform you, of our tradition." She grinned. I didn't enjoy the presence
of the grin one bit.

Mike::(Arwen)Bring in the beer and the paddles.


Mike::(Arwen)I’d like to introduce you to a little thing we like to
call hazing.

"Tradition?" I repeated, making sure to know exactly what she was speaking

Crow::(Arwen)I was originally going to tell you to show Mialesque around,
but since you’ve decided to rearrange her face, never mind.

"Yes. It will happen within a few days. We have all the un-attached

Servo::get buried up to their necks in dirt.


Crow::(Arwen)It gets kinda boring around here, and since Aragorn had
all the minstrels executed we need something to do.

hide, and endanger themselves.


Mike::Well Via’s a shoo in, she endangers herself at least three times
a day.

Then the males come,

Crow::Realize that it’s not worth it, and leave them to their doom.

and rescue them.

Servo::I wonder who came up with this tradition?

Mike::A very sad little person, so probably Denethor.

You have to participate Vianene-no buts!" Her grin widened.

Crow::(Via)But how will it help if I have no butt?

Servo::(Arwen)I couldn’t hear you I’m too busy laughing at this absurd

"What happens after the males "rescue" us?" I raised my eyebrows.

Mike::Aragorn’s trying to figure out what the hell his wife’s up to,
and he would try to stop her only he’s too tired from masquerading as everyone

"The males know." She smiled slyly.

Crow::Um, no they don’t.

Servo::Look, right now both Legolas and Gandalf are trying to figure
out how to make tea. I don’t think I’d trust them with anything more complicated
than watching the grass grow.

"Okay, but can they at least have to fight me to win me?"

Mike::(Arwen)Oh I didn’t know you swung that way, but unfortunately
Mialesque is already taken, apparently.

I pleaded. I am not a damsel in distress, and never be.

Crow::(Via)However, crappy grammar queen be I.

"I suppose. As long as you don't try to kill anyone who tries to touch

Servo::(Via)Hey, he had it coming.

Mike::(Arwen)He only wanted to help you up after you fell down the

She replied sternly.

"Yes Arwen." I rolled my eyes, and left the room.




Legolas' Point of View


I walked down the hall with Vianene's present in my hand.

Mike::(Legolas)Shadowfax had been willing to give me a very nice steaming

There was a note inside explaining what it was.

Crow::(Legolas)This is to show exactly how I feel about you. And no,
it’s not made out of glass!

I hastily walked to her chambers. I planned to leave it on her
bed, as a surprise.

Servo::Man Legolas, that’s daring.

Mike::Well he has had to deal with a younger brother so I guess he
should be the king of pranks.

When I finally reached her chambers, I found the door to be slightly
open. I walked inside.

Crow::Come on, someone needs to have an intervention about his peeping
and breaking and entering problems.

To my surprise the bed was empty, but Vianene was asleep on the

Servo::(Legolas)For a brief moment I thought about kicking her in the
kidneys. Then I went ahead and did it anyway.

I suppose she did not like the bed. I left the small package atop
her bed sheet, and stared at her for a moment.

Mike::Then an alarm went off and the police rushed in.

Crow::(Police chief)Ah Mr. Legolas you know if we arrest you one more
time you get your tenth arrest for free.

It was amusing. She looked perfectly innocent like that.

Mike::Kind of like when Anthony Hopkins was all tied up getting off
the plane in that lamb movie.

She didn't even seem to be capable of the destruction she was
capable of.

Servo::La la la, Can’t hear the illogic, no no no.

Crow::What are you, Vulcan?

Servo::Shh . . .

I went over to her, and kissed her lightly on the forehead.

Mike::(Via)Finally an excuse to kill him!

"Sleep well, Pilin." I whispered in her ear. I walked back outside.

Crow::Too bad that he walked out the window and fell about five stories.

"Well, brother, it seems you have taken to her.

Servo::(Legolas)Ah Hewie, what are you doing here?

Mike::(Hewie)Just paying you back for all the years of torment.

I must say, she is quite pretty, but my Mialesque is much prettier."

Crow::(Legolas)Should I care about your imaginary women?

Servo::(Guard)No I just, look never mind.

I jumped. I recognized the voice.

Mike::(Legolas)Henry Kissinger had found me again.

I turned to see my brother, Hewtrive standing outside the door.

Crow::(Legolas)He always hated me because I got the name that was pronounceable.

"Hewtrive!" I swayed, overjoyed.

Servo::Oh great Legolas is one of those fainting goats. Whenever he
gets surprised he passes out.

I greeted him warmly, grasping his shoulder.

Mike::(Legolas)What are you doing here?

Crow::(Hewie)My stupid fiancée’s father said I had to steal
some stupid jewel in the Dark Lord’s crown or something like that before
I could marry her. Screw that, I’m just going to hide here with her until
he dies.

Mike::(Legolas)Aren’t you marrying an elf?

Crow::(Hewie)Shut up.

"It's good to see you brother. I think that Vianene's prettier than
Mialesque, and I think her temper and blades are sharper as well."

Servo::(Legolas)And I think Mialesque has only died once or so.

I replied, leaning against the wall, closing her door.

Mike::(Holmes)Elementary my dear Watson, it was Legolas who did it.

Crow::(Watson)Brilliant, but how did you know?

Mike::(Holmes)Simple, everyone knows odd Mary Sue characters sleep
with their door open, but Legolas must have closed it.

"Blades? Don't tell me she has made a mockery of you brother." He replied.

Servo::(Legolas)Look she only beat me with one hand tied behind her

"Ah, but by more than just the blade. By the bow as well."

Crow::(Legolas)What can I say, she’s clearly had more practice bowing
than I have.

We walked away, Hewtrive listening to me rant about how wonderful
she was.

Mike::(Hewie)What the hell was I thinking? I should have just run off
to Vegas.


Vianene's Point of View


I awoke restlessly. The floor was no comfort, but I refuse to sleep
on the bed.

Servo::Yeah you never know who could not step on you when you sleep
on a bed.

I may be here for two more weeks, and each night I shall sleep
on the floor.

Crow::Fine fine, you like the floor. We don’t care.

I looked over at the bed. It looked so comfortable, so easy. I would
wait it out, no matter how the pain pursued, I would sleep on the floor.

Mike::Her village was attacked by a bed when she was five.

I then saw a small wrapped package.

Servo::Mr. Chop-Chop the butcher had left behind my winter stock of
Orc sausage.

I walked over the bed and picked up the parcel lightly.

Crow::A ticking sound could be heard from within.

Mike::April Fools! *BOOM*

I walked over to my table, sat down, and began to unwrap the parcel.

Servo::As opposed to sitting on the floor and trying to play the banjo
with it.

The first thing that fell from it was a piece of parchment. It

Dear Vianene,

Crow::(Legolas)I know what you did last summer. You went to Saurman’s
pool party.

I would like to wish you a happy birthday.

Mike::But I won’t.

Enclosed you will find a hair charm, blessed to never release
a single strand of hair that it is enclosed.

Servo::In a surprising coup, Legolas has bought out Goody hair products
and is now marketing this line specifically for uppity elves.

The leaves will also change colour in relation to your mood.

Crow::But since the hair is nothing but dead cells it doesn’t really
matter much.

Mike::Fifty bucks says that thing stays black for the rest of its life.

I believe green is happiness, black is grief, red is anger and
blue is unhappiness.

Servo::Apparently Legolas grew up in the seventies.

I wish you well. I think you are also entitled to know that it
once belonged to my mother.

Crow::I swiped it from her while she was at her pottery class.

I hope this will assist you in some way.

Mike::You know maybe you can stab someone with it or something.

Happy Birthday, Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood

Servo::The Scourge of Laketown and part owner of Sharky’s Mill in the

I took out the hair charm. It was beautiful. It resembled a compass
rose on a map, with eight leaves, pointing in many directions.

Crow::All north for some reason.

Mike::Legolas wants her to wander into the polar ice caps, fall into
a hole, and be frozen for the British Museum.

The leaves were all of different trees, oak, ash, cherry, maple,
redwood, magnolia, apple and elm.

Servo::That had to look a little weird.

Crow::I mean a cherry leaf is about a third the size of a maple.

Mike::(Via)You know in retrospect actually the hairpin wasn’t so much
beautiful as lopsided and ugly.

It was currently grey, which I guessed had to represent neutral.
It touched me deeply that he would give such a gift.

Servo::(Via)In fact it touched me so deeply I remained neutral for the
rest of the day.


Legolas' POV


"Believe it brother, 'tis true.' I laughed.

Crow::(Legolas)I mean it was so funny, Gandalf actually thinks there’s
a disco hell.

Mike::(Hewie)But there isn’t right?

Crow::(Legolas)Disco hell, I don’t know.

"Her arrow went straight through yours?"

Servo::(Legolas)Yeah she was using some kind of patriot arrow, although
I still think I should get another shot.

Hewtrive, Het, as I had often called him, replied.

Mike::(Hewie)I really wish you’d quit calling me that, it sounds like
you want me to hike you the football.

"To an exact measure." We were sitting in the gardens, discussing events
between Vianene and myself.

Crow::I’m sure that’s real interesting to Hewie.

"That's amazing! Quay is a wonderful Elven maiden,

Servo::I’m just kidding. Quay is really a hybrid I made between a quail
and a fly.

but she could not shoot an arrow for Eleberth!" I chuckled at
my brother's statement.

Mike::Is there a nitrous oxide leak or something?

"Well Vianene is a remarkable woman." I sighed.

Crow::(Legolas)Nothing like your wood fiancée or your quail mutant.

Servo::That doesn’t sound too hard.

"Woman? You mean to say that she is not an Elven maiden?" My brother
looked at me with arched eyebrows.

Mike::Teal’c? Get out of here now while you still can.

Crow::At least it’s not Aragorn this time.

"She is half-elven.

Servo::Oh no, I don’t believe for two seconds that she is related to
Elrond. I’ll believe in Disco hell before I by that.

She is an Istari."

Mike::She’s a wrinkly old man who the Lords of the west sent over to
keep the elves in line?

Crow::What can I say, Legolas has strange tastes.

My brother's eyebrows arched again.

Servo::(Legolas)Actually now that I think about it I have never seen
his eyebrows in the relaxed position.

Mike::(Hewie)It’s because I’m evil! Evil!

"How do you know? Does she carry a staff?"

Crow::Okay I think that Ishtar thing is really a manager who wanders
around with a small staff trying to re-organize Middle Earth.

Hewtrive inquired.

"Nay, Het, she does not." I answered, closing my eyes.

Servo::(Legolas)I’m sick of looking at you.

"Then how do you know?" He inquired.

Mike::(Legolas)Who are you again?

Crow::(Hewie)Your brother.

Mike::(Legolas)I have a brother?!


"He assisted in my first death, by hacking at magical vines that I created."

Servo::(Legolas)Oh sure, bring that up again.

Mike::(Via)Hey I told you to leave me in Disco hell but would you listen
to me, oh no.

Crow::(Hewie)Are you sure you’re not married already?

My eyes rose to find the owner of the voice.

"Vianene, meet my brother, Hewtrive Greenleaf."

Mike::(Hewie)Prince of Mirkwood.

Servo::(Legolas)Yeah, in your dreams.

Mike::(Hewie)Hey, at least I had enough guts to try and poison Dad.

Servo::(Legolas)Too bad you got the maid instead.

I instructed. My brother held out a hand to her and to his surprise,
she shook it, as a man would.

Crow::(Hewie)Ah a girl touched me!

Mike::(Legolas)Just run it off.

"I always knew Megil would have handsome family members." She smiled

Servo::(Legolas)Sometimes she sees the voices in her head, don’t worry
it’ll pass.

"Ah, that may be, but I had no idea that he had such beautiful friends."
I suddenly started coughing at the word 'friends'.

Crow::(Legolas)Oh man sorry, a pistachio managed to find its way down
the wrong pipe.

Mike::(Via)But we don’t need to breathe. Why would that matter?

Crow::(Legolas)Don’t make me suffocate you again.

"Spare me the flattery; I care not for petty remarks." She paused.

Servo::(Via)I do however care for petty dwarves, so Mîm’s dropping
by later.

Her gaze turned to my eyes. "I came to thank you for the hair
charm." She smiled at me. "It's beautiful."

Mike::Although extremely goofy looking.

Crow::(Hewie)Yeah Mom doesn’t really have good taste.

"Did you get it in alright?" I looked up to see my brother's confused

Servo::(Hewie)I can’t believe everyone here is so stupid. How exactly
did they save Middle Earth?

"No. I never bothered with styling my hair, so I have no talent for

Mike::(Via)I tried shooting it in, but that didn’t work. So Gandalf
tried to jam it in using a sword but that just hurt a lot.

I planned to ask Arwen to do it for me later." My gaze returned
to her face. "Unless you want to do it for me?" She smiled sweetly, a smile
that made my heart melt.

Crow::(Legolas)But since I don’t really have one it doesn’t matter much.

Servo::No, no it’s lungs they’re missing.

Mike::Look at this rate they could be as hollow as a chocolate bunny.

"I dare not refuse an Istari." She laughed.

Crow::(Via)I love it when everyone starts making up words.

"I'll never understand what's so intimidating about being an Istari."

Servo::Not so much intimidating as boring.

Mike::Yeah you don’t really have too many color choices: blue, brown,
grey, or for the more daring white.

She suddenly looked as if she had remembered something crucial.

Crow::(Via)I left an Orc in the oven.

She spun around to face Hewtrive. "Forgive me." She glanced at
the wilted flowers in the garden bed next to us.

Servo::(Arwen)Legolas there is a perfectly good bathroom right next
to your room.

"Would you care for a demonstration?"

My brother looked stunned. "A demonstration?"

Mike::(Via)Yeah there’s going to be a tractor pull later.

"Of magic. I'll see both of you here at 9:00." Without a reply, she
winked at me, and walked away swiftly.

Crow::(Gandalf)No, run damn it run!

"She's quite a catch brother." Hewtrive eyed me, doubtingly.

Servo::(Hewie)I can’t believe I just said that.

"I wouldn't say I've caught her yet." I chuckled.

Mike::(Legolas)I’m all out of thirty pound test line.

"I do not understand brother. You seem interested in each other." He
turned to face me.

Crow::(Hewie)Look I don’t care. Don’t ever talk to me again. Bye.

"Seem is the word of your choice Het. I feel as though I love her with
all my existence, and all anything I have to say is mine,

Servo::(Legolas)So I say I want a ten pound sundae with sprinkles and
hot fudge.

but Het, I do not think that she feels for me. You see, this is
only a game to her, but a real existence to me." I sighed thinking of how
this game could not last very longer.

Mike::I only needed one more clue before I figured out who killed Mr.

"A game? What do you mean by that?" He inquired.

Servo::(Legolas)I don’t know some stupid idea Aragorn had.

Crow::(Hewie)Wait, he’s still alive?

Servo::(Legolas)I think so, but good luck figuring out who he is.

"A game of seduction. We shall see who can take it no longer. I fear
that I will not be able to bear this loveless passion much longer." I brought
my hands to my face.

Mike::(Legolas)Ah, I’m starting to see double!

Crow::(Hewie)You’ve always had two hands Legolas.

Mike::(Legolas)Oh right.

"I see. So make her lose. Instead of living with loveless passion, send
passion of love instead.


Crow::(Hewie)When I don’t really want to talk to people, I just reverse
my sentences so they make no sense when people don’t really want to talk.

She will love you; feelings for others just need to be dug up
from some."

Mike::I think Hewie’s taken one to many hits to the head with a frying

He had an evil twinkle in his eyes. "Have you kissed her?" He

Servo::(Hewie)Look I’m only faking sincerity now so I can get the dirty

"Twice, though the first was by accident." I shook my head.

"Ah, so after tonight we shall have that number be three.

Crow::(Legolas)Hewie, you’re supposed to be getting married.

Mike::(Hewie)What, I can’t have a little action on the side?

That tradition, of the damsels, that is to be soon is it not?"
His twinkling eyes shone brighter.

Servo::(Legolas)You know you really should get that looked at.

Crow::(Hewie)I know, it gets harder and harder to see each day.

"Aye, 'tis." I replied.

Mike::(Hewie)How are the Scottish lessons going?

Servo::(Legolas)Aye, all right.

"Then, while you compete for her affections, you enchant her with romance,
and are cunning, sly, and passionate." I laughed.

Crow::(Legolas)God, my brother talks like a cheap greeting card.

"Brother I am beginning to think you have done this before." We both
started laughing.

Mike::(Legolas)Ha ha, wait does that mean that you already dated Via?

Servo::(Hewie)You always get my hand-me-downs Legolas.

Mike::(Legolas)Who’s Legolas?


Vianene's Point of View, at 9:00

Crow::As opposed to what, the White tree’s point of view at 6:00


I walked swiftly to the gardens, to find Legolas and his brother sitting

Servo::Still arguing over Hewie’s fruity language and just how stupid
Legolas is.

I had the charm in my pocket,

Mike::(Via)They’re always after me lucky charms.

and I took a moment to compare the two brothers.

Crow::(Via)I mean Orville was obviously the brains but Wilbur was just
so cute.

Legolas and Hewtrive were both equally built;

Servo::Yeah they both had two arms and two legs and everything.

most likely Hewtrive was an archer.

Mike::Actually he’s an architect.

They both had blonde hair of similar lengths.

Crow::They must get their wigs from the same store.

Legolas' blue eyes were more piercing than Hewtrive's.

Servo::He’s had more experience at terrorizing whole villages than his

I double checked my magical intent.

Mike::(Via)There were only a few typos left.

My kidney had been damaged when I fell from Melash the other night.

Crow::(Via)But it’s not a big deal since I don’t really need it.

It had healed only halfly.

Servo::Sorry kids it’s just half elf kidney bean soup tonight.

But my magic was well enough to revive some flowers.

Mike::Does she have a dipstick sticking out of her side she can check
or something?

I walked up to them. "Hello." I said.

Crow::(Via)"How are you" I then proceeded to say before finally finishing
with a simple "I am good, thanks."

Hewtrive jumped a little, turning to offer a warm smile.

Servo::(Hewie)Come on it’s fresh out of the oven. You know you want
a taste.

"Well, shall I begin?" Hewtrive nodded.

Mike::And Legolas, much like Gandalf, was currently stuck in a coma
where he no longer existed in anyone’s mind.

I began to weave my hands through the air, turning my wrists, and flipping
my palms.

Crow::(Via)Hey Macarena

Servo::(Via)Young man there’s no need to feel down, I said young man
pick yourself off the ground . . .

I then grabbed both my wrists with the opposite hand, and pulled

Mike::(Via)Would you like a hand? Well here you go. I’m just a riot
aren’t I? Oh wait wait, here you obviously need a leg up.

I saw the flowers begin to bloom again and pulled again.

Crow::So she’s ripping the flowers out of the dirt?

Servo::In the end this is just going to end up causing more work for

Soon the structural stability of the wilted flowers returned,
and the petals were blossoming.

Mike::Why don’t you just try watering them?

I closed my eyes and extended my arms out,

Crow::(Via)Watch the lady, watch the lady. Okay, where’s the Queen?

Servo::(Legolas)Over there by the wall laughing at us.

Crow::(Via)Not Arwen, the cards you moron.

sending my magic to the rest of the garden.

Mike::Suddenly a little alarm started to go off.

Servo::(Legolas)What’s that?

Crow::(Via)Oh don’t worry it just means my magic pressure is low.

I felt water come down, though 'twas not real.

Mike::To be water, or not to be water that is the question.

I felt flowers blossom, snow evaporate, and the garden became
illuminated with beauty.

Servo::How long has she been standing there?

Crow::(Aragorn)Since last Spring.

Servo::Are you going to move her?

Crow::(Aragorn)Nah her hands make for good plant holders.

When I opened my eyes, I saw two elves gawking at me.

Mike::(Elf 1)We’re looking for a reindeer.

Servo::(Elf 2)About yay big, you haven’t seen him by any chance, ‘cause
if we don’t find him Mr. Claus is going to have our asses in a sling.

"That was amazing. I'm sure that even Saruman would tremble at your

Crow::But since he’s dead and all it doesn’t really matter.

Mike::By all rights if he’s still around then that means that Aragorn,
Legolas, and Gimli should really think about getting their butts to Mordor
before Frodo gets seen.

Servo::Aragron’s still on break.

Hewtrive said, bowing low, sounding sly.

Crow::Looking more and more like a raccoon.

"The farther down you look the easier it will be to find your bride
to be, Mialesque."

Mike::I’m sorry, no she’s apparently taken so she won’t be buried up
to her neck in dirt.

I swung my hair around, keeping my ears covered.

Servo::(Hewie)Do you have any idea why she keeps swinging her head around
like that?

Crow::(Legolas)I don’t know, maybe she got a wasp in her ear or something.

He snapped back up. "What of my Mialesque?" I laughed.

"Well I believe I broke her nose, I felt a bone move under my knuckle."

Mike::(Hewie)Um no, you just played with some flowers. Is she all right?

Servo::(Legolas)Remember she sees voices.

I cocked my head forward, moving my shoulder.

Crow::Did Via turn into a robot or something?

"What has she done to deserve such a treatment?" He's afraid of me.

Mike::Hewie’s afraid of kittens, look at the brother he had to grow
up with.

Wonderful. Illusions are exactly what I need for people to see

Servo::Although they really need to slow down on their pipe weed consumption,
just a little.

"She called me a harlot." Legolas' jaw dropped.

Crow::Never in his life had he heard such language.

He looked at me in wide amazement. "I believe she would be in
her rooms currently,

Mike::She’s taken herself apart so she can be in all three rooms at
the same time.

most likely to be sobbing." Hewtrive looked at me with shock.

Servo::(Hewie)But all you did was play with flowers and check your dipstick.
What are you talking about?

"Go, you're presence is not required."

Crow::(Hewie)Yes Miss Bossy Boots.

He hastily rushed away. I turned to Legolas and smiled.

Mike::(Via)I hate and despise your entire family. I want to see their
blood spilled. Isn’t it a nice day.

Servo::(Legolas)Uh-huh, you forgot to take your medication again didn’t
you. I think I’m just going to RUN!

"Shall we do my hair now?" He closed his dropping mouth

Crow::By this point his mouth should have ended up back in Disco Hell.

and nodded.

Mike::Actually I am beginning to be under the impression that Legolas
is actually a malfunctioning robot that can only drop his jaw and nod.

I started digging around in my pocket. I removed the hair charm
and handed it to him. He appeared to be in shock,

Servo::Actually that’s just the loaner Legolas, the real one is back
in Tolkien’s shop until he can get him back to working order.

so I just sat down in front of him and waited for him to begin.

Crow::Do I detect a note of a certain yellow fruit in this thing?

Mike::Do not even suggest that this is a lemon. You’ll give the author

I heard him start rummaging through his pockets and remove something.

Servo::He always carries hair gel with him everywhere he goes.

He started brushing through my unruly hair.

Crow::You know there has been much talk about Legolas being a pretty
boy and up until now we didn’t have any proof, but it looks like you have
just opened the flood gates.

Mike::This is going to get cruel.

He hands felt soft, comforting.

Servo::Much like English teacher whose hands I cut off to make soup.

Like he was patting down silk, smoothing it to be glossy and smooth.

Crow::(Legolas)Oh my goodness look at these split ends? What kind of
a conditioner do you use?

Mike::(Scottish accent)See I warned you.

"Did you really break her nose?" He asked.

Servo::Gandalf must have wandered in or something.

"Yes. Haven't you ever done something like that?" I asked.

Crow::Gandalf? Are you kidding me, he used to box back in his college
days. He’s got one hell of a mean upper cut.

"No. I would never touch high nobility, much less a lady." He sighed
behind me.

Mike::(Legolas)Just look at all these knots.

"It seems to me like everyone is high nobility or an heir these days."

Servo::You’re telling us.

Crow::Aragorn gets bored so if you just show up from now till March
he’ll knight you.

I closed my eyes, taking in the night's atmosphere.

Mike::(Via)Darkness, darkness, and more darkness.

"What are you?" He inquired.

Servo::(Legolas)Aside from the whole crazy half everything of course.

I whipped around, and stared harshly at him.

Crow::(Via)You know I don’t know who I am, so stop asking that.

"Oh I apologize your highness. I assumed that you had the knowledge
to look past rank, but no I only fooled myself."

Mike::Who’s talking now?

Servo::I don’t know, maybe Aladdin wandered in sometime during Via’s
dance routine.

I crossed my arms and turned back around.

Crow::(Via)I’ve got a new dance and it goes like this. . .

"No, that's not what I meant." He stumbled.

Mike::(Via)Hey get back here.

Servo::(Legolas)AHHH! Why am I running, I don’t know, but AHHHH!

"Just do my hair already!" I snapped.

Crow::(Aragorn)Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it.

Mike::(Hewie)What are you people doing?

Servo::(Arwen)We’ve placed about ten pounds of plastic explosives around
Legolas and Via. Right now Aragorn’s just waiting for the perfect moment
to blow the whole thing.

After what seemed like endless moments,

Crow::No kidding.

my temperament had cooled down.

Mike::(Via)By having a system of cold water pumped through me to prevent
melt downs.

"If you must know, I threw away my inheritance."

Servo::(Legolas)That’s what I get for marrying an American divorcee.
I’m stuck here talking to a nut trying to convince Aragorn to let me crash
here in his pad.

I heard a mumble from behind me.

Crow::(Gandalf)Shh be quiet.

Mike::(Faramir)I want to be the first one to stab her.

Crow::(Gandalf)No we’ve all agreed that it’s going to be Brutus.

Servo::(Brutus)Ah let Cassius do it.

"Why?" He asked.

"My father's empire was not one to which I would wish for.

Mike::(Legolas)Besides we had one hell of a spider infestation problem.

And to be known only for my position? I wouldn't survive."

Crow::(Via)Which is why I died.

Servo::(Legolas)How many lives do you have exactly?

Crow::(Via)I’m not sure, but currently the count is up to fifteen.

"I think Lady Vianene, that you would survive anything."

Mike::(Legolas)Except for being attacked by some vines though.

I turned around to face him.

Servo::(Via)You bastard how dare you say that I can survive!

Crow::(Legolas)I need to stop talking.

I smiled. I then looked deeply in his eyes, and noticed he was
doing the same.

Mike::(Via)Why do you carry a mirror with you?

Servo::(Legolas)Hey you try making these little French braids without
having a mirror. Ah, can you pass me that rubber band.

I wanted to confide my soul into him,



Servo::When will it all end?

Crow::The story?

Servo::No the memory of having to read this story?

pour out my memories into his eyes

Mike::For the last time eyes don’t think!

that are blue as the very sea and rivers I had bathed in.

Crow::(Via)That is they were blue until I bathed in them.

I suddenly lifted my head up to his own, moving closer to him,

Servo::And head butted him.

Mike::Too bad it didn’t have any affect whatsoever.

and brought my lips up to his own.

Something tells me this is much more than just a game.

Crow::Something tells me it’s more like an aneurysm.


Vianene's Father's POV


Ah, my Via. You resemble your mother in so many ways.

Servo::(Minion)Uh sir, that’s the water heater. Your daughter has been
missing for the past three years.

You're beauty, attitude, grace, skills, and her heart.

Mike::So her mother was a schizophrenic murder who likes to sleep in
bodies of water?

You also shun people in the same way she did.

Crow::I swear I couldn’t go anywhere without her turning to someone
on the street and shunning him.

You never run away from problems, you run around them. Your mother
did the same.

Servo::Which is why she’s still running around in a circle at Orthanc.

Mike::You know I have a question if Via’s mom is Elvish then wouldn’t
that make her father a 3,000 year old human?

Crow::Pointing out the plot holes only makes this thing longer.

Mike::I’ll shut up now.

But Vianene, Istari of Green,

Servo::(Father)I’m still not sure how my little girl grew up to be an
old wrinkly man, but since I still can’t die I guess stranger things have

and of grace, you hide your ears and your race from all who see

Crow::That’s only because she doesn’t even know what the hell she is.

You hate who you are, and you shun yourself for it.

Mike::I swear I’m surrounded by shunners.

Take pride Via, for who you are is a marvellous thing.

Servo::(Father)I just wish death would come to me half as often as it
seems to knock you down.

When I see you walking, speaking with that boy Greenleaf, Thranduil's

Crow::I think Legolas learned his peeping skills from this guy.

I am indeed surprised with what emotions you portray.

Mike::I mean who knew that someone who dies so much could be so mundane.

Come now Via, You know that it is not love, it is bewilderment.

Servo::Legolas and his tendencies to climb trees and eat bugs have only
got you confused.

You are not meant for him.

Crow::You know what, I think I really love this guy.

Mike::Bless you sir, for trying to rid us of her.

You're true love is here Vianene, he is waiting.

Servo::(Father)I’ve had him tied to a tree for the past century or so,
and I’m starting to get tired of the smell.

You will return to him, wed him, and be happy forever, as I have
declared that it should be so.

Crow::(Father)So help me, me.

Mike::I don’t understand how Middle Earth isn’t overcrowded with these
egos floating around.

l Should you go against my wishes daughter,

Servo::(Father)I’ll make you teach me how to correctly think a sentence.

Crow::You know he’s talking to himself a lot.

Mike::Oh great, everyone in this story is off their medication.

and forever feel the conflict you have forced upon yourself.

Servo::That’s what you get when you put a hit out on yourself.

I remember when you were such a young one, six mayhap.

Mike::Why don’t you try a "perhaps" or a "maybe," or even a "perchance."
I can’t take that stupid word anymore!

You came downstairs with ribbons and leaves in your hair.

Crow::After kicking the crap out of your kindergarten class, and then
falling asleep in the Isen river.

I asked you why you did not have flowers in your hair and you
simply said "Because, daddy, leaves stick better."

Servo::So she’s been gluing her hair for a long time, huh.

I laughed and sent you off to get cleaned up.

Crow::That seems to be his answer to everything.

Mike::Failed a test? Go take a bath. Thinking about killing every free
person in Middle Earth? Go wash up.

I also remember when you attended your mother and my wedding.

Servo::Since it was about three years ago, he really should.

Crow::(Father)What the hell was I thinking? I should have taken one
look at the bite mark you left on my forearm, turned around, and walked
right out the door.

We had originally intended to wed before you had been born, but
troubled times prevented our marriage.

Mike::So for thirteen years or so I had to run off to Rohan to yak with
King Theoden, and I didn’t even get paid for it either.

You were thirteen when we first wed.

Servo::(Father)It was about ten years after I had died inside.

I remember how you shined, wearing a green silk,

Crow::Was this a Betazed wedding or something?

and instead of scattering flowers, you grew flowers from the ground.

Mike::Not that it’s really that hard to get dandelions to grow.

I marvelled at your power,

Servo::Especially the power of your ego.

and when you had designed for us that plinth filled with beautiful
carvings and intricate designs, we were awed by your amazing abilities.

Crow::(Father)Even though I still have no idea what it is. Ha ha, just
kidding, it’s like pipes for plumbing or something, right?

You were only beginning to show talents that one day.

Mike::Playing the kazoo with your nose.

I recall how you would generate vines to scale the side of my tower
in an instant,

Servo::But I guess that’s what I get for subletting the place from Rapunzal.

and bouquets from air without time.

Crow::Does the air run on a schedule at Orthanc?

You could take ten minutes to grow a tree, and pour energy, strength,
and soul into.

Mike::Why don’t you people try some water, light, and occasional Miracle
Grow. Frankly I think that’s what Yavanna did. The Silmarils were really
just little globules of plant food.

Every time I saw you smile, I thanked Ellii for you.

Servo::I think Iluvatar should throw a huge flood to try and get rid
of these other idols.

Crow::That and it would be kind of cool.

Mike::Maybe Manwe’ll do it.

Eru had to have been astounded with how perfect you are.

Servo::Anyone else get the feeling that the author got yelled at for
not reading the actual book and to make up for it threw in a few words
she probably stole from someone else?

Crow::How is this different from any other author?

Servo::Good point.

As I recall that very thought, I reflect on how imperfect you actually

Mike::While I may have just been thinking about how perfect you are,
I simultaneously think about how imperfect you are.

How you left him standing waiting for you, how you fled from me
before my very eyes.

Crow::Well my very palantir.

How for many days before hence you stared at me with eyes of ice
and clad in stone.

Servo::Ice covered in stone doesn’t really seem like something I’d want
in my lemonade on a hot day.

You had stopped wearing your traditional robes, and it frightened
me to know not why you had distorted.

Mike::So after she started running around naked her character fell into
this Mary Sue mess?

Crow::Makes sense to me.

Then I saw you acted the same towards Armenoir.

Servo::You wouldn’t polish him anymore, and I found nearly an inch of
dust on his hinges.

You stared at him with hate, and strayed from him as greatly as
you did with me.

Mike::If she’s straying so much maybe they should think about getting
her a collar complete with tags.

When I knew that you had found of what I had hidden to you, the numerous
things I had hidden from you, I understood.

Crow::So he didn’t share his stash with her and she left?

Servo::Sounds like a plot that belongs on The Osbournes.

You sat upon stone, and no longer grew things.

Mike::Then you started to sleep in rivers, and I just quit caring then.

It pained my heart to see you in such a state.

Servo::(Legolas)Look, peeping doesn’t work so well if the person you’re
stalking has left. Would you quit sitting there thinking.

Crow::(Father)I thought about how demanding Legolas had been the first
time I met him back when vines and stone still existed.

Servo::(Legolas)That’s it, I’m outta here.

I thought you may be dying of grief, or of disbelief.

Crow::Or of diarrhea.

I thought your Istari roots would prevent such a thing,

Mike::Where exactly does a wizard keep his roots?

Servo::That’s why they wear those long robes so no one can see the
fact that they have roots for feet.

but the way you paled and shunned all, it seemed to be factual.

Crow::I seem to be talking like a city official, so I believe I should
be getting back to my small staff on Orthanc. We need to understand what
focus groups mean when they say they want to see more toilet paper.

I couldn't bear it, the pain was searing at my heart.

Mike::Oh wait wait, wrong character. Sorry that was Indiana Jones.

And when you rode away on Ecco, your favourite horse,

Servo::Your favorite book, Hop on Pop, clutched in your hand.

whom I assume is still live and well,

Crow::Do not meddle in the grammar of wizards for they are confused
and quick to misspell.

my heart shattered in a million pieces.

Mike::I think we’ve wandered back into Disco hell again.

Servo::That would explain this monotonous never-ending monologue.

When your mother left for the halls of Mandros,

Crow::She got a little confused along the way and instead of ending
up with Mandos she actually ended up with Manos: the Hands of Fate.

Mike::Wait, I thought she was in disco hell?

Servo::Look if you’re going to make your own little screwed up world,
at least have the guts to stick to it and not simply restart your story
pretending you actually know what you’re talking about.

I thought that you were my only life left, my dearest yelde.

Crow::(Father)Look I’m sorry about the middle name, but I had a thing
for a Norwegian at the time.

As you rode away vibrantly, proud, and as beautiful as your mother,
I knew that you would return.

Mike::Yielding Elendil’s sword, oh wait, wrong prophecy.

And return to me you shall, yelde. For I know that my words will be

Servo::Anyway, it’s time for my pudding and afternoon nap.


Armenoir's Point of View


Elegance, grace, intelligence, charm, beauty, courage, you held every
quality known to be attractive.

Crow::No, no more monologues!

Mike::Can’t you see what these are doing to us?!

Servo::I wish I was an elf, then I could give up on life and get the
hell out of here.

You were the feared, the fearless.

Crow::the stupidest, the thoughtless.

You could defeat any one person, any who opposed you.

Mike::But so far only Barney has opposed you.

You didn't have to try to be attractive, it was a natural quality.

Servo::Like intestinal cramps, and gastric vomiting.

The other men would allow their mouths to fall open and salivate
over you.

Crow::Of course, that was the only way you’d bathe.

I recall the days when you loved me, and I loved you.

Mike::For an entire day you didn’t kick me or call me a moron. Ah such

We cared for each other like the sky and the sun, the stars and
the moon, the oceans and the waves.

Servo::Popsicles and popcorn, Milli and Vanilli, the dumb and the dead.

I remember when Obadiah saw us kissing;

Crow::(Armenoir)Damn Amish godfather, he had me cleaning the stables
for nearly a week just because I looked at her.

he wanted to kill me, for he was rued with jealousy.

Mike::as well as tapeworms.

I evoke the memory of how we would lay atop your father's tower together,

Servo::You trying to get me to walk near the edge. I never did manage
to figure out how I slipped and landed onto that tree.

watching the sun change positions and the heat of your body would
sear through my own,

Crow::That was back when you were made of aluminum foil.

and I would perish without it for those times.

Mike::He’s a baked potato?

Servo::I thought he was a piece of furniture.

I would hold you in my arms for hours of a time, and we would
embrace each other for long moments.

Mike::(Via)Okay that’s exactly one moment, now let’s go.

Crow::(Armenoir)Oh can’t I have another?

Mike::(Via)Don’t make me push you off the tower again!

We would walk through the mountains, through the forest.

Crow::Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, gotta go through it.

Servo::We’re going on an Orc hunt, an Orc hunt, an Orc hunt.

We would watch the clouds move, and I would be envious of my own
self for being able to hold you, to be able to kiss you.

Mike::So daily I would beat myself up and threaten to kill myself if
I didn’t leave you alone.

To be able to lay a hand on you was a blessing from Eru, a true

Crow::Yep having to touch her was just like death.

Nothing I said could match your softness, your kindness, you were
perfect for me.

Servo::Because I’m as soft and limp as your voice.

Your sharp tongue, and harsh manner, and your evil smiles would
light up my existence.

Mike::So one minute she’s nice and quiet and the next she’s a raging
lunatic running up and down the tower?

Crow::How long has she been off her medication?

You would play pranks on others, giving your father heart attacks.

Servo::(Saurman)Maybe next time you’ll just give me a tie for Father’s
day okay?

You would always face your father with dignity, courtesy.

Mike::As you pushed him off the tower.

Crow::Saurman must have an escalator up to the top.

You never entered his chambers as a child being scolded, but as
a maiden being spoken to.

Servo::So Saurman has a painting of himself hanging on the wall that
yells at anyone who tries to enter his room?

When he would yell you would have the simplest and sharpest replies.

Mike::Of course all you would do was scream out gibberish and then jump
out the window.

You feared nothing he could do; his power was insubordinate to

Crow::You had been a manger of his power for almost three years before
his power was promoted over you.

You would not obey any, you were not a possession.

Servo::(Armenoir)Unlike me.

So many longed to be a possession to be owned by you, to be graced
with your presence.

Mike::Anyone else get the feeling that Armenoir wants to borrow a lot
of money from her.

Crow::Either that or he want’s to ask Via to go get a soul from Disco
hell for him. He knows she’s pushed more than enough people off her Dad’s
tower to meet the quota.

Though few women are here in the city now, your presence is still sorely

Servo::Yeah it kinda hurts to make out with an Orc.

Your father keeps telling us that you will return, and when you do we
shall all rejoice, for you shall stand at his side again.

Mike::Nero will fiddle, the four horsemen of the apocalypse will show
up, and civilization shall tumble faster than your last victim.

"When Vianene, Istari of Green comes back to us, we shall all rejoice
at the sight that we shall behold.

Crow::The few seconds we have before you return.

She shall return as a beautiful as ever, radiant upon her horse
of lightning.

Servo::What exactly do you feed a horse made out of lightning?

Mike::Your butt would be raw by the time you got anywhere.

When she does, a marriage will take place,

Crow::I’m going to marry the cat and the dog.

and she shall be the princess and heir to the throne of our fair
city once more!"

Servo::We will all cry Shelob has returned!

He had cried long ago. He had sought me to instruct that I would
be the one you would marry.

Mike::Okay, what?

Crow::I think Saurman is going to marry the furniture once the storms

I was overjoyed at the news, and now I patiently await your return.

Servo::(Armenoir)Yep, you’re going to die. Never gonna see life again.
Kill you many times over.


"Armenoir, will you come here a minute?" I heard Vianene say.

Mike::(Armenoir)She was rearranging her room, and to make it more Feng-shui
she’d hidden me in her closet.

I walked around to where her voice had come from.

Crow::As opposed to walking further away from where her voice had come

Suddenly I was crushed to the ground

Servo::All of the Orcs were playing leapfrog again.

Mike::Unfortunately all that makeup kinda messes up their depth perception
and they tend to do more damage in the castle than on the battleground.

and I perceived to be what I heard was the sound of Vianene's

Crow::But it was actually just the cat getting its tail rolled over.

I rolled over to see that she had knocked me to the ground while
I was unsuspicious. I chuckled.

Servo::(Arm)Ha ha that’s a good one. Ouch you managed to dislocate my
shoulder, thanks.

"Besides your wonderful pranks, Lady, did you wish to see me for another
reason?" I inquired.

Mike::(Via)Yeah, I need you to kill me.


Mike::(Via)I need to go ask Fran a question. I’ve always wanted to
know what I’d look like as a red head.

"Yes. I'm going to shoot archery, and train,

Servo::Those must be some amazing arrows if they can pierce a train.

I was speculating to know if you would spar with me, and ensure
that I was shooting properly."

Crow::By going and getting the fight coach.

I laughed. "Vianene, I have told you a thousand times, you already are
perfect by your blades, bow, and hands.

Mike::(Arm)And I should know.

Servo::(Ed McMan)Hi-oh!

What more need of practise have you?"

Crow::(Via)I need more of the practice kind to try and understand what
you mean when words come flowing out of your pie hole.

"I must train to improve. I shall never be perfect. I must train forever!"
She let out another laugh.

Mike::(Via)Man do I have a serious lack of self-esteem. Makes me laugh
every time.

"You're father wouldn't let you go into battle until all his orc soldiers
were dead.

Servo::He knows that if the Orcs take one look at her they just panic
and flee.

Even then he probably wouldn't let you fight!"

Crow::He’d just let you die.

I replied. She kicked my shin in at that comment.

Mike::Does Armenoir have no bones? If he just supported by a series
of bladders?

"My father decides not whether I go into battle."

Crow::He only decides when I bathe.

She swiftly walked away, to her famed training grounds.

Servo::It’s a lovely day here at the Vianene Arena. We’re going to have
some exciting action today as the Isengard High School Orc’s battle against
the Gondor Goblins in a basketball game to the death.

I ran quickly to catch her.

Mike::I’m starting to think that people only run around because of Via.

Servo::They really should be running the other way then.

"Vianene, you know that I love you, do not take my words as harsh,

Crow::Instead take them as hash and have a nice dinner.

I only not want to see you hurt."

Servo::(Arm)I only not want to have you not make out with me.

I gave her pleading eyes, and she tilted her head to the side.

Mike::(Via)I’m sorry, you’re confusing me with Arwen. Only she takes

"Would you have me grovel?" I pleaded my case before her, wanting
her forgiveness

Crow::(Arm)I didn’t mean to kill you, really. I mean you can stand up
to drownings, getting shot with arrows, I thought for sure that sneezing
on you wouldn’t kill you.

She leaned towards me. "You men are too easy to manipulate."

Mike::We since Armenoir has no bones, anyone should be able to manipulate

She gave an evil grin and ran away laughing,

Servo::Does everyone in Middle Earth have mad cow disease or something?

knowing I would chase her.

Crow::(Arm)Tag, you’re it.

Mike::(Via)Oh no I’m not!

Crow::(Arm)Okay, you’re not it! You’re not it! Now put the bow down.

I ran after her, trying to catch her, but it was no use.

Servo::(Armenoir)She had stayed walking so I ended up running past her
and the only way to catch her was to run all the way around the world.

By the time I reached her training area she was busy persuading
the tree to tie her ankles in a branch so she could shoot upside down and

Mike::Of course the tree was a willow so rather than doing all that
it simply ate her.

I laughed. "Quite the perfect person, are you not?" I stated.

Crow::(Via)Do you know what happened to the last person that called
me perfect?

Servo::(Arm)Um, no.

Crow::(Via)Neither do I. By my calculations he should still be falling.

"I am not perfect; I am a warrior perfecting certain skills. If I was
perfect than I would be thinner, pretty,

Mike::We can rebuild her. We can make her bigger, stronger.

and my chest would look like a chest."

Servo::Instead of a penguin.

I walked over to her.

Crow::Actually I think I ran over to her.

"Nonsense. You are thin as a pin, your beauty is gawked at,

Mike::By nerdy twelve year olds.

and your chest is just perfect."

Servo::Plus your Dad’s sick and tired of having to pay for plastic surgery.

I whispered softly, putting my forehead to hers, and kissing her

Crow::But he couldn’t help but think about that squirrel in his room.

Mike::She seems to have a big problem with that.

She laughed and handed me a piece of cloth,

Servo::(Via)Now go wax my car.

Crow::Wax goes on, wax goes off.

and finally persuaded the tree to hang her upside down.

Mike::(Via)If you don’t hang me upside down I’ll set you on fire.

Servo::(Oak Tree)You’d better do it man. Last week she chopped poor
old Walter down.

I place the cloth over her eyes, and said she could shoot at will.

Crow::Then I repair the tear in the space time continuum so I don’t
have to worry about changing tense in a sentence.

She fired off about one hundred arrows,

Mike::And every single one of them fell out of her quiver and landed
on the ground.

untied the blindfold, and instructed the tree to release her.

Servo::Instead the tree swung her around in a loop and let her fly.

Crow::(Maple Tree)Let’s try and see how well you do threatening Treebeard.

The tree dropped her with a thud, and she hit the ground soundly.

Mike::The foley artist was back from break.

She went over and examined her arrows.

"Well I'm improving."

Servo::Every single arrow landed squarely in the picture of her father’s

She said, but looked displeased with herself.

Crow::(Via)I wish my personality would stop changing.

"Mela, I shall never be able to do this right, but will you spar with
me now?"

Mike::(Arm)Fine, you’re a big stinky pain in the bum that no one likes.

Servo::(Via)I meant with swords.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Flashback Over *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Oh yes, I remember those days.

Crow::Well day.

I remember how we would spar, and you would soon have your weapon
at my throat in minutes.

Mike::You’re toy phone chord wrapped around my neck, your blocks stuffed
in my mouth.

I remember how our bodies were close,

Servo::That’s what happens when you drink a quart of glue.

how they would touch, how your scent intoxicated my nostrils.

Crow::How our bodies would refurnish furniture.

I cannot wait much longer my love, you must return to me soon.

Mike::I didn’t put the right amount of postage on you.


Mithrandir's Point of View

Servo::Oh great now we get the old guy’s ramblings about how much better
sticks were back in the old days.


Vianene your time is approaching.

Crow::Soon it will be your turn to sit on Santa’s lap.

I know you will in turn over throw your destiny,

Mike::Turn yellow and screw all of Middle Earth.

and prevent the past from repeating itself.

Servo::Keep us from having to watch that archery contest again.

You alone will rise up, and shine through; representing all that
is good and green in this world.

Crow::Although you do need to stop eating all that spinach though. You’re
not Popeye.

I watched you grow from an early age.

Mike::As opposed to growing from an old age.

Servo::Actually she should have if she’s a wizard.

I knew you since long before your parents were born.

Crow::(Gandalf)Oh wait, sorry that was someone else.

Mike::(Gandalf)Don’t you remember how we used to hang out when you
were just a blastula?

You know Vianene, I loved her. I loved her so much you couldn't possibly

Servo::(Gandalf)So why am I bothering to tell you?

until you as well open your heart and learn to love.

Crow::Just make sure to not let the heart worms in though.

You will hurt the Prince,

Mike::Oh, so that’s her destiny. She must keep Prince from singing.

Servo::Hey you, quit hanging on Legolas and get to your destiny then.

but he would bring you much joy would you just let your guard

Crow::Besides, the beefeaters need to take a smoke break.

The wall around your heart is stronger than the fortress of the

Mike::But Legolas has contracted with Saurman to build another bomb
to blow it.

and as was hers.

Servo::Look Gandalf you’re just going to have to accept that long distance
relationships won’t work. Especially when one of you is in charge of Disco

I started to break down her fortress when I made the horrid mistake
of introducing the two.

Crow::What was I thinking combining tarter sauce and soy sauce, man
was that one hell of a disgusting mistake.

They soon married, my feelings trampled in the dust.

Mike::I ate a sandwich. It’s a haiku.

Servo::Yeah if you can’t count.

I now have hope.

Crow::My paxil prescription finally came.

I will never love another like I loved her,

Mike::No one could ever inspire fear and hatred as easily as she could.

but you remind me of her so,

Servo::Especially in the way that you love to kill people and really
hate to bathe.

and I love you like you were my own child.

Crow::Not that you are, I mean, I just said that because you’re not
my kid, really, really.

Mike::Gandalf had better be careful. He blew all his child support
money financing dwarf excursions into different mountains.

I wish you had of been my own child, but alas, it cannot be.

Servo::Wow, Saurman gave more than just his soul to the devil.

You make me so proud, yet so remorseful.

Crow::I really have to admire the inventive way you kill people, but
you need to work on your people skills.

You see, Ne, you make me proud at how your powers develop, how
you strive to attain the impossible.

Mike::How you glue feathers to yourself and try to fly to the sun.

Yet, you make me remorseful because I cannot teach you to open
your heart,

Servo::Which is good because that’s not what I do.

to allow people to see who, and more so, what you are.

Crow::A murderer? Oh we all see her as that.

I think you are a beautiful young maiden, with more potential
than is good for you,

Mike::So I’m going to take some from you.

and a query attitude.

Servo::You know what’s really queer, the fact that all of Middle Earth
is sitting around in the middle of nowhere, doing nothing but ruminating
on Via.

Crow::Yeah, you’d think at least one of them would need to be eating,
holding a meeting, or killing someone.

You strain from love as though it was the worst thing possible
to be destined for you.

Mike::No that’s ebola.

I am sure you touch your froth-barrier to make sure it has not
run away,

Servo::Every day Via touches her mug of cappuccino to make sure the
froth has not run over.

trying to control it to the best of your abilities.

Crow::So not at all then?

I had wanted to break my own froth-berrier when she came to me,

Mike::Damn the foaminess! Full froth ahead.

telling me of her betrothal.

Servo::Oh Saurman really pisses me off. I wanted to get Middle Earth
on his ass.

I had planned on releasing it to her, and letting her wear it
through all time.

Crow::Only in fashion shows do people wear foam Gandalf.

Mike::No wonder she dumped him, he’s giving her tips on what to wear.

I loved her with all my heart, with all my soul Vianene.

Servo::Okay, so far the only thing I’ve gotten out of this story is
that Via hates beds and Gandalf loved the devil.

I love you, as a yelde however, not as a spouse, or a wife.

Crow::Which is good because we don’t need Gandalf stabbing his eyes
out with the broach Legolas just gave Via.

Mike::My name is Oedipus. You are my father. Prepare to die.

I think that you bring hope to all Ne, for it is you with the
destinies of us all.

Servo::(Gandalf)We are so screwed.

Your own destiny is soon to pass my dear,

Crow::Much like my bladder stone.

and I feel as though I cannot help you.

Mike::(Gandalf)That’s it, I’m out of here.

Servo::(Bombadil)Hey dol! Derry-doll! What about Tom Bombadillo?

Mike::(Gandalf)Trust me you do not want to go down that path.

Servo::(Bombadil)Derry-Doll! Merry Ol! What if the Barrow-wights trapped
her ol?

You will have it to be, you know what you must do.

Crow::So get out there and eat that goblin's gall bladder, here on Middle
Earth Fear Factor.

I can only hope that your kidney will not suffer.

Mike::I couldn’t give a damn about the rest of you though.

Your destiny is your own, but I will not allow you to fail.

Servo::And since I’m not going to help you, I won’t let you fail by
taunting you endlessly for being a chicken.



Aragorn's POV


Mike::Why are you so excited?

Crow::No more pointless monologues about how great the dead murder
is, we can finally watch people do something!

Servo::And since it’s Aragorn, he’s probably just going to sleep the
entire time.


I walked down the halls in a frantic pace after finishing

Mike::That third burrito I had found wedged in the back of the fridge.

Crow::(Aragorn)There better be no one in that bathroom.

an audience with my head guard, Btheil son of Bwhnhe, who had
disturbing news.

Servo::Someone had stolen all of the vowels from Gondor. It was a serious
matter because now I was known as Rgrn!

Two of his guards had been patrolling the skirts of the city when they
discovered strange tracks.

Mike::The Ents were snowmobiling again.

They were not that of the standard boot, footed by men, nor that
of men, dwarves or another race. They were also not an animal's paw print,
which led to much confusion.

Crow::They were made by a hovercraft.

I paced around contemplating my thoughts.

Servo::No I don’t want to have to read about Aragorn sitting around
thinking! Gandalf was bad enough, but not sleeping beauty.

Could the owner of these new tracks be a threat or an ally?

Mike::(Aragorn)Better yet could they have an alley? I really need to
work on my bowling average.

Could this be a new species or race?

Crow::Oh great now Gandalf is breeding a race by crossing morons and


Crow::He needs to have someone worship him.

Or could this be the tricks of a deceitful person?

Mike::Is Bugs Bunny leaving tracks behind to try and confuse Elmer Fudd

I eventually decided that my friends would help relieve me of these
stressing thoughts.

Servo::(Aragorn)So I made the guards force my friends to entertain me.

I walked out to find Legolas and Gimli sitting in Gimli's given

Crow::AKA the outhouse.

Gimli had an evil smirk plastered upon his face.

Mike::(Gimli)Finally I shall rule all of Middle Earth.

Servo::(Legolas)Gimli, what are you doing in there?

Mike::(Gimli)Nothing, just uh practicing.

They had yet to notice me, so I waited to hear the topic of their discussion.

Crow::They may not drop eaves in the Shire but it seems to be a profession
in Gondor.

"So how does she make you feel Legolas?" He asked.

Servo::(Legolas)Do you remember that time we stole some of Gandalf’s
secret brew and ended up spending that entire night puking into the Brandywine

"She makes me feel many things I have naught felt before.

Mike::Disgust, hatred, disgusting hatred.

I wish to explore and test my emotions further before reacting

Crow::So that’s why I bought this home pregnancy test.

He replied, eyes closed.

Servo::(Legolas)Man Gimli, put some clothes on.

"Then tell me one thing." Gimli inquired.

Mike::(Gimli)Are you really blond?

"Pray tell, what this thing would be, Master Dwarf."

"Does she make you erotic?"

Crow::Apparently while Aragorn, Legolas, and Gandalf were dealing with
psycho half elf lady Gimli was sitting in his room watching the Spice channel.

I gasped, and then clapped my hand over my mouth.

Servo::(Legolas)How dare you let such language grace my virgin ears.

Mike::(Gimli)That’s not what I hear sunshine.

"Gimli!" I cried out. "How could you ask such a thing?" I had wished
to stay in silence and shadows, but no longer could I stay put.

Crow::Aragorn started laughing so hard his eyes almost exploded.

Servo::(Aragorn)Oh man Gimli, welcome to the Men’s club. And don’t
waste your time with Legolas, there’s no getting through to him.

"Well, it's an honest question!" He countered.

Mike::Exactly when does Aragorn make his existence known?

Crow::Give him a break, he’s probably fallen asleep in the corner.

"To tell you the truth Master Dwarf, I have not thought of her or my
emotions in that manner."

Servo::(Legolas)In fact, I haven’t thought at all.

Legolas responded, calm and cool.

Mike::as he sat in a river.

"Liar." Gimli grumbled barley audible to my own ears.

Crow::(Aragorn)Wait, I’m getting there, almost. Almost out of the corner

I laughed, and the other two joined in.

Servo::And they didn’t find it odd at all that laughter was simply coming
from behind the tapestries?

Mike::Yeah and it’s not Legolas this time.

I started to walk to the door.

Crow::Not that I ever got more than an inch away from it.

"I must go address my court.

Servo::The stupid house numbers keep falling off.

Would you two care to accompany me to listen to why I have not
addressed my guards in a better manner as I explain it to Arwen?"

Crow::(Legolas)Hey it’s your own damn fault that the guards overheard
you bitching about how much Arwen nags.

Mike::(Gimli)Yeah either that or forgetting your guard’s birthday party
that Arwen had planned for him.

We laughed as we started walking down the hall.

Servo::Even though Legolas and Gimli had stayed in the room.

Mike::Great, now Aragorn is hearing voices.

I had had many experiences in similar situations.

Crow::So Aragorn hears voices a lot then?

Servo::Gandalf really needs to think about starting a pharmaceutical
company. He’d be rolling in it.

When I got to the main chambers, I was bewildered at the sight before

Mike::(Aragorn)Saurman, Gandalf, and an armoire were all sitting in
my room staring off into space.


Vianene's POV



"Melash, it's true!

Crow::Deodorant really does cause breast cancer.

I'm going to kill myself all over again."

Servo::Fine by us.

Mike::Yeah, knock yourself out.

Crow::(Via)Well, let’s see I’ve tried drowning, suffocating, calling
myself a princess, how about I jump out in front of a wagon this time?

I pleaded before Melash, the great willow tree in the forests
of Minas Tirith.

Servo::(Tree)Come closer Via, so I can eat, I mean see, see you better.

"Child, you must admit your feelings before you can start a relationship."

Mike::(Melash)Now if you’ll excuse me I have a date tonight with Grandmother
Willow. Pocahontas let her have the car tonight.

Melash whispered to me, comforting my stressing thoughts.

Crow::By singing a soft lullaby.

Servo::(Melash)Go to sleep, little psycho lady. I’m really hungry and
would like to eat you now.

"Are you implying that I have feelings for him?"

Mike::(Melash)I’m sorry lady, but I’m a one-woman kind of tree.

"Not at all.

Crow::You, emotions? Don’t make me laugh.

I am implying that you are fooling yourself into thinking you
have a problem."

Servo::Humanoids don’t have problems. Try having Dutch elm disease when
you’re not even an elm tree, now that’s a problem.

"I am doing naught such things Melash!"

Mike::(Via)I’m just trying to kill myself again, will you hand me that

"Well I heard from Niethel."

Crow::I didn’t know trees were such gossip hens.

Servo::Oh yeah, they’re worse than a room full of old ladies.

Melash replied, bringing up a willow branch to calm me.

Mike::By whipping me in the face.

"Neithel has naught to do with this!

Crow::(Via)In fact you have naught to do with this.

Servo::(Melash)Hey I’m not the one talking to trees.

She is a disgrace of a gossiping tree!

Mike::But that cherry tree, now that’s a nice gossiping tree.

It is not becoming for a tree to gossip Melash!" I snapped.

Crow::In fact it’s not very becoming for a tree to talk at all.

"All I heard was that Armenoir smiles naught since you left."

Servo::Except for when he’s hanging out with the Orcs.

Mike::Also he seems to have a lot more scars on his face.

I was infuriated at his name.

Crow::(Via)You know I keep all my stuff in a wardrobe now.

"How dare ye!

Servo::Ye? She must have run a long way if she’s in Ireland now.

Mike::Oh great, now she’s half leprechaun too.

And she!

Crow::And he, and me, and lee, and fee, and spree.

You have naught the right to speak of him in my presence Melash.

Servo::So instead let’s go back to that gossiping tree.

I care not for him any longer."

Mike::(Melash)So do you like him or not?

Crow::(Via)I care not for any more of this no conversation that’s not
about someone I not do like.

"I could not believe that statement.

Servo::(Melash)You never even liked him.

How can you not love him any longer?" She inquired in her calm,
cool, soothing voice.

Mike::How exactly can a tree have a voice when it doesn’t have teeth,
a tongue, or even a mouth?

"I do not have to speak of such things with you!

Crow::I can yell such things at you!

I come here to sort out my thoughts, yet you only infuriate me
with thoughts of my pass?

Servo::So stop bringing up that stupid final play in the National Championship.

Mike::(Melash)I just can’t believe you dropped it. I mean you had the
stupid ball right in your hands and you were in the end zone.

To dare think that I would love such a man as Armenoir!"

Crow::I mean, he’s not even blond.

I turned from her, not wishing to see her bark.

Servo::Instead, she looked at the bark of other trees.

Mike::(Melash)I knew you were looking at other trees. What, do you
keep issues of Better Homes and Gardens under your bed?

"But you do, Veanna, you love him!" She portrayed not anger in her voice,
but motherly love.

Crow::(Melash)Now aren’t you getting tired. Don’t you want to sleep.

"Do not call me by my mother's name.

Servo::That’s what happens when everyone in the family is named the
exact same thing.

Her relation to you is of no current importance."

Mike::Okay, now I’m really confused. Via is a quarter tree?

"Ah, but it is. You remind me of her, after your father's power relinquished
in her,

Crow::Hello, there are children in the room!

Servo::Actually I don’t think it matters if you’re two-hundred, no
one wants to hear that!

when her love of us came to bring her knowledge of our language."

Mike::Actually no, the elves taught the trees how to talk.

Crow::All the old "people" in this story seem to be unsure of their
own history and cannot form coherent thoughts.

"I feel as though you are prying through a locked door Melash."

Servo::You can stop tearing down Orthanc. Treebeard took over a long
time ago.

"Then I shall pry through another.

Mike::So in this land Elves are peeping toms, Wizards all have Alzheimer's,
and trees rob people?

What do you feel for this other fellow, what was his name?" She asked

Crow::So most of the time the tree just yelled at her?

Servo::We are so far into Via’s mental hallucination I don’t think
I see a way out.

"Legolas. I like him, he's a good person,

Mike::When you can keep him from spying on you or killing things.

but it is just a game we are playing, I have not real feelings
for him."

Crow::(Melash)Man you care for no one.

Servo::(Via)Yep, that’s why I’m going to chop you down for firewood

"Is that because your heart says no, or because you refuse to love?"
Melash sounded like she cared, like a mother.

Mike::You know for not having any parents, everyone else seems to want
to be in control of Via.

Crow::Can you blame them, they just want to keep her from endangering
any bystanders.

"Melash, I have loved, I am only opposed to it in few ways,

Servo::(Via)I mean it’s an okay word, but it could really use something
a bit spicier. I was thinking something along the lines of superliom, or

Mike::(Melash)So you still have problems with making up words huh.

but I my heart remain open."

Crow::(Melash)That’s nice Mr. Heart but I was talking to Via.

Servo::(Mr. Heart)Who, the lady trying to light you on fire?

I answered, swinging my legs over the side of her branch,

Mike::How in the world do you tell the sex of a tree?

Crow::Well aren’t they all hermaphrodites.

Mike::Would you put down that Better Homes and Gardens.

and placing my chin in my hands.

Servo::Every now and then you just have to take your chin off.

"Yes, I know, as open as a closed door." She paused for a moment, thinking.

Crow::(Via)Man you’re a stupid tree.

Servo::(Melash)Can you blame me, I don’t exactly have a brain.

"That is guarded by the finest guards."

Mike::So it’s definitely not Aragorn’s.

Crow::Yeah I mean they’re so bad, after all the vowels were stolen
they let the consonants get taken too.

"Melash!" I cried, disturbed by her words.

Servo::(Via)Don’t ever use that word around me again.

Mike::(Melash)What word?

Servo::(Via)Finest, it just sends chills through my spine.

"Child, just listen to my words." The tone of her voice was soothing.

Crow::Just eat her.

"I will consider them. Briefly.

Mike::Much like my. Sentences.

Now I must be going, I feel a need to return to the court.

Servo::I need to work on my backhand.

Arwen will probably attempt to have me wear another dress tonight."

Crow::(Via)Just try and get me to wear clothes, I dare ya.

I heard her chuckle as one of her vines came to lower me to the

Mike::Finally, she’s going to kill her.

and I ran back through the forest towards the White Tower.

Servo::(Melash)RUNNN!!! No Faster Faster!

Crow::You can say one thing, at least all these characters are in shape.


Legolas' POV


When I stumbled through the great doors into the courtroom I was literally
left speechless

Mike::But since I hadn’t been talking before it wasn’t a big deal.

and gaping at the sight that had been laid at my feet.

Servo::Someone must have gotten very confused because there was a huge
pile of used band-aids on the floor.

I saw a guard, robed in the colours of Gondor with a torn tunic sprawled
across the floor.

Crow::(Guard)Oh man, that’s the last time I ask Aragorn to help me with
a stuck zipper.

He had several bruises and he was in no shape to be with held
for testimony.

Mike::Today on Gondor Court, with the judge Legolas presiding, the trial
of Guard Vs. Guard.

Blood seared about him, covering speckles of skin everywhere,

Servo::(Legolas)I told you not to play with that monkey but would you
listen to me, oh no. And now we have to deal with an Ebola epidemic.

Crow::(Guard)Man that was a tasty monkey.

as well as the floor.

Mike::Young man, no more throwing blood balloons in the house.

A large engraved mark, scarred, almost as if burned into his chest,

Servo::That’s why you shouldn’t install a flame-thrower as a doorbell.

in a peculiar shape. (^)

Crow::Emoticons had broken into the White Tower and were sieging Gondor.

It formed the basic structure of a tent, flattened out amongst
the floor.

Mike::Is that one of the first things you learn in boy scouts, if you
have no tent, make one out of a dead body?

The man was leaned, half sitting up, against the back wall.

Servo::(Porter)Faith sir, we were carousing till the second cock: and
drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things.

Crow::(Legolas)Look I don’t care, just move out of the way so I can
get to the dead body that’s been turned into a tent.

"Btheil!" Aragorn cried as he rushed over to his guard.

Mike::(Aragorn)What did I tell you about stealing tankards out of the

Servo::(Porter)Fair is foul and foul is fair.

Mike::(Aragorn)And lay off the Shakespeare.

I suddenly placed the man's pale face as Btheil son of Bwhnhe,

Crow::Back onto his head.

Servo::(Legolas)Sorry about that, but I’ve always wanted to know if
I could replace my face with someone else’s.

head captain of the guards of Minas Tirith.

Mike::He must have killed Beregond for the title.

Crow::Guess who has the last laugh now.

I followed Aragorn, Gimli trotting behind me,

Servo::When did Gimli become a centaur?

as I heard Aragorn call for aid from the Medical chambers.

Mike::(Aragorn)Ah! What did I tell you about leaving your needles on
the floor, Legolas?

I scanned the man's wounds, to see what infectious thing could've
caused this.

Servo::(Aragorn)Where did you get that?

Crow::(Legolas)Remember the last time we had a tear in the space time
continuum and we had a new bunch of Mary Sue’s fall in, that’s where I
got this tricorder.

"Aragorn, he cannot be moved. 'Tis unsafe for his health." I dictated,
ensuring that we would bring no further harm to this man.

Mike::(Aragorn)Hey who’s the one who was prophesied to have hands of
healing and who wasn’t. That’s what I thought.

What baffled me was how could such a thing be done,

Servo::What baffles us is how such a thing could be written.

as if it were effortless, to the head of guards, one of the best
warriors at court?

Crow::Yeah well, Aragorn had bought all of his guards at a warehouse
store, and you don’t really expect to get great quality spending that kind
of money.

Without any seeing whom it was,

Mike::(Aragorn)You’d think at least one of our security cameras would
have picked it up.

but the man who was attacked?

Servo::Oh he didn’t see it either. No he was still trying to figure
out how to pronounce his name.

It seemed almost virtually impossible, as if a mission to beseech

Crow::The government has asked us to save the world. Anyone want to
say no?

Servo::Actually, I have this paper due tomorrow, so no.

"Menotach! Menotach!" I heard Aragorn call for the sacred elf herb,

Mike::Oh how are Mentos going to help the dead guy?

Crow::Menotach: The fresh corpse maker.

one that would seep inside the veins of the man,

Servo::You’re not supposed to insert anti-freeze into people’s IV bags,

repairing what damage had been done.

Mike::Well since he’s dead and all, there’s not really much it can do.

It tasted fowl, as it had to been drunk through a liquid.

Crow::(Legolas)Boy was that a bad week when I had to taste all of the
medicines and potions at the apothecaries. Actually that was the week my
eyes changed color and I grew a pair of wings.

I had taken it many a time when I was young and had been stricken
or injured in battle, and I resented the taste to the day.

Servo::Legolas, take your medicine!

Mike::(Legolas)But I don’t wanna.

Servo::Don’t make me sing the song again!

Mike::(Legolas)Fine, anything but Mary Poppins.

I suddenly heard a door swing open and hit a wall,

Crow::(Aragorn)Oh my God, you scratched the paint! Arwen’s gonna kill

and I spun around, to find none other than the lady Vianene, Istari
and sultana warrior

Servo::When did that happen?

Mike::Oh while we were stuck in monologue hell she ran off to the East,
scared a bunch of Arabs, and came back.

gracing the court with her presence.

Crow::(Legolas)Aw crap.

Servo::(Aragorn)God Damn it.

Mike::(Gandalf)Not her again.

Crow::(Frodo)She’s worse than having Legolas tag along.

She glanced at Btheil and smirked.


Servo::(Aragorn)No, that’s the lamp.


Servo::(Aragorn)That’s the cat.


Servo::(Aragorn)That’s the lamp again, Via.

Aragorn caught her smirk and was infuriated.

Crow::(Aragorn)Damn, stupid thing is two inches too short. Gotta throw
it back.

"My best guard is at the point of death yet you smile Lady Vianene?

Servo::I mean, I knew you were nuts and violent and wished us all dead
. . . actually why am I surprised?

Would you mind telling us all what is the highlight of this scene?"

Mike::(Madden)If you watch the replay you can actually see down at the
end of the room that the guard is really playing pinochle.

He cried, taken aback by her expression.

Crow::At this rate, I think we’ve traded in every character.

Servo::Some day we will get the real characters, just wait for it.

"It's about time she found me.

Mike::Those tapes are almost a month overdue.

She's been late, and I haven't seen her since I came from Rivendell."

Crow::Why exactly would you want to go to Rivendell?

Servo::Who wants to look at an abandoned house?

Vianene casually waltzed

Mike::Ah! This story is folding in on itself! Now we’re back at that
stupid party!

over to Btheil and began inspecting the wounds.

Crow::(Paleontologist)By opening up the guards stomach contents we can
discern that he spent much of his time grazing on the open grasslands of
Middle Earth.

She looked satisfied.

Servo::with a snickers in her hand.

"Who is she?" Aragorn stormed.

"She is the serial killer who's been stalking me for..."

Mike::Oh so that’s about anyone who’s actually read Tolkien’s books.

she paused in thought, "two years now."

Crow::(Via)Maybe I should have warned you that some people might get
caught in the cross fire? Nah.

"You're implying that a woman did this?" Gimli retorted.

Servo::(Via)Well it wasn’t a white rabbit.

"No. I'm not implying anything.

Mike::I don’t know how.

I'm telling you a woman did this."

Crow::Did she just admit that she did it?

Servo::I hope so. Quick Aragorn, throw her in your dungeon.

She looked rather smug as she crossed her arms over her chest.

Mike::Guess who’s overlord of LakeTown now, Legolas.

She looked beautiful, graceful, yet forceful and potent at the
same time.

Crow::Oh great, she’s constipated again.

Servo::At this rate we’re going to keep going back in time until we
were never born.

"You have not the proof!" Aragorn joined in.

Mike::(Via)Fine, I’ll go get my UPC.

"You want proof? See the bruises?

Crow::(Guard)Um guys, are you going to try to save me, or should I just
stay dead?

They were made by a hand, one much too small to belong to that
of a male.

Servo::Who really really likes tents.

Also, the cut was divinely sliced by a female's nails.

Mike::So what it was Cher, Madonna, or Pearl?

Also the method of attack could not have been preformed by a male."

Crow::So what, he was nagged to death?

She swung her hair about,

Servo::(Legolas)Via, you have to stop carrying wasps around in your

and caught sight of the maiden carrying the Menotach and turned
in a blaze to her.

"Menotach? That will be of no use here.

Mike::Bad breath didn’t kill him.

Carry that back to your infirmary and bring a potted plant


Mike::(Via)Because that guy is so dead he’d be better off as compost.

as fast as it can be carried, I'll need it if we want him to remain

Servo::(Aragorn)But not the fica tree. Arwen would kill me if you touched

The young maiden scampered off with her tray and mug,

Crow::Aragorn really needs to stop hiring rabbits to be his help.

off to fetch the plant.

Mike::Dogs too.

"Do you need anymore proof highness?" She inquired, sarcasm filling
her tone.

Servo::(Aragorn)Well, since all you’ve proved so far is that you like
to eat greenery, I suppose I do.

Aragorn and Gimli fell silent.

Crow::After a rousing discussion of who was the better Elven-King, Thingol
or Gil-Galad.

And but few minutes later, the maiden came back,

Mike::(Servant)All I could find was this guy.

Servo::Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger
the shrubber. I arrange and design shrubberies.

carrying a potted plant that reached up to my waist where I was

Crow::As opposed to standing without her waist?

Mike::At least she’s not chained away from herself again.

Vianene smiled at the maiden and bade her to take her leave.

Servo::And cram it.

"Aragorn, you will be of no use here

Crow::So we’re kicking you out of this story.

Servo::(Aragorn)Whoo-hooo! Ha ha! Party at the Pub! Everyone who’s
not in this stupid story is invited.


Crow::(Pippin and Merry)All right.

Mike::(Legolas)Damn it.

worrying when you could be running the rest of your kingdom!"

Servo::Ha ha ha ha!

Crow::I wouldn’t put this Aragorn in charge of mowing the lawn.

She chuckled, as if remembering a fond memory.

Mike::You mean about that other time when Aragorn destroyed another

"But how am I to know how to run my kingdom against this new threat?"

Servo::Actually how am I to run my kingdom against any threat?

He looked as if in deep thought.

Crow::(Aragorn)Actually why don’t I just kill you and then there’s no
threat. There, problem solved.

"Well for starters you can tell about one hundred women of your court
to meet me in the fields by the dawn." She answered promptly.

Mike::Oh so we’re finally going to bury all the women up to their necks
in dirt.

Servo::I’ll get a shovel.

Crow::Be careful to not dig too deep, otherwise we’ll break through
Disco hell’s ceiling and you really don’t want Fran mad at you.

"But why?" Gimli protested.

Mike::Why can’t I have a lunchable.

Servo::When did Gimli turn into a spineless whiner?

"If they do so then I can train them to fight

Crow::By killing them all.

against this force and it will save me a lot of energy

Mike::We will send wave after wave of women at our enemies, and if that
doesn’t work bring out the cow.

and my kidney is not that well." She replied.

Servo::I really need to stop falling asleep on the dance floor.

"Why would your kidney be of such importance?"

Crow::(Legolas)I mean we don’t need lungs or a heart, a kidney’s not
that important.

I inquired, curious at her statement.

Mike::Hey, you try filtering blood with just a sponge.

"The kidney is an essential source of my magic.

Servo::(Via)I accidentally swallowed a bag of pixie dust and it all
ended up in the only organ I had left, okay. What, I thought it was a bunch
of left over sugar.

It holds the wizard's bondage to his powers and talents."

Crow::Oh I didn’t know Gandalf was into whips and chains.

Mike::Come on, this is a sick enough story without you adding in.

She responded.

"Oh, yes I see."

Servo::Which is really good since I don’t need my eyes.

I replied, though I was not sure of myself,

Crow::(Legolas)Wait wait, didn’t I have a brother?

Mike::(Via)What, no.

Crow::(Legolas)How about a friend that is a King or something.


nor her reply. "Please, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas,

Mike::Servant bunny, and dead guard on table.

all due respect, but I am afraid that you worsen Btheil's condition

Crow::But since he’s already dead it doesn’t really matter.

as long as you keep badgering me with such questions.

Servo::For the last time, I don’t know if a badger would beat an anteater
in a race. Stop asking me!

If you leave, it will be easier to spare his life."

Mike::Because there will be no one here to save him.

Gimli and Aragorn bowed,

Crow::now bow to the corner, bow to your partner, and do-si-do!

but Aragorn turned to me and Vianene before leaving.

Servo::(Aragorn)Look I have no idea why I’m leaving or even why I care
about no vowel guy, but if you two start any hanky-panky in here I’m going
to have the entire place burned down.

"Legolas, I would feel better if you stayed here to ensure that the
attacker does not come back,

Mike::(Aragorn)’Cause God knows I’m not going to.

if it would be alright with the Lady Vianene?" he inquired.

Crow::(Via)Hey I don’t see the dead guy getting fixed any faster.

Servo::Why is she kicking everyone out?

Mike::She doesn’t want anyone around while she loots through the dead
guy’s pockets.

"Yes, I suppose that's fine, as long as he does keep quiet."

Crow::Good luck with that, the only person who breaks out into song
more than Legolas is Bilbo.

She turned from him, and I gave Aragorn a stiff nod,

Servo::(Legolas)Just pass me Anduril, I’ll be quick about it.

and sat down again next to Btheil.

Mike::(Via)I thought I told you to leave Aragorn.

Crow::(Legolas)Too late, he’s already asleep.

She smiled and placed the plant on the other side of Btheil.

Servo::(Via)There, I’m done. You can bring everyone back in now.

She ripped two of the leaves from the plant.

Mike::And a bunch of Ents ramed through the walls and started to kick
the crap out of Via.

Crow::(Legolas)Hey, this is better than the movie.

She started chewing on one, but than turned to Btheil.

Servo::And she started chewing on him.

Mike::(Legolas)Would you quit sampling everything you can put in your
mouth. That’s my job.

She took the leaf, and ran her fingers about it, as if surging her power
through it.



Crow::Doesn’t that last line piss you off.

Servo::I’ve been in denial. I’m just waiting for the witch trial. I’ve
got my parsnip all ready.

She than bent down over the wound, and ran the leaf about the strange

Mike::(Legolas)You know, that wound looks just like the teeth marks
you left on the guard’s arm after you tasted him.

To my surprise,

Crow::Fran popped back up and demanded that I follow her to hell. Apparently
a better serial killer had demanded that I go to hell with her. Damn Aragorn.

the wound started to increase,

Servo::(Via)He knows too much, he must be destroyed.

Crow::(Legolas)Why, what does he know?

Servo::(Via)He knows about my plan to take over the world’s vowels.

and take shape of several leaves intertwined. It made an interesting

Mike::Kind of like someone has been poisoned.

Servo::(Via)Yes, die, die, die!

Crow::(Legolas)You know what I’ve always wondered, if my father is
considered to be a grey-elf, why do I have blond hair?


Btheil's Point of View


I awoke, but I did not show signs of waking,

Mike::So I went back to sleep without actually sleeping.

for I was in such pain that I did not move,

Servo::I guess they were right, piercing a Nazgul’s nose for him is

though I fear my chest started to move in a vertical motion to
show I was breathing.

Crow::What exactly do you call his fear?


I listened intently to the conversation being portrayed by my

Servo::(Via)Okay, so I’ll read the part of Btheil’s Father and you can
be his Mother.

Crow::(Legolas)Why do I always have to be the woman?

Servo::(Via)You’re the one with the long hair.

"It will help seal the wound,

Mike::(Via)I mean it keeps my hair glued to my ears come hell or high

and it leaves a scar that one would wish for more,

Crow::Via’s been watching too many Mel Gibson movies if she feels like
comparing scars.

an intricate pattern of leaves, over a scar of a direct cut."

Servo::Look, there are just some things that should be left on the editing
room floor.

I thought about this for a moment.

Mike::(Btheil)I am so dead.

It would be more appealing to have a scar of leaves than a direct

Crow::Yeah, cart around something that looks like your skin is trying
to peel off your body, much better than a little scar.

say it held more meaning.

Servo::Really because I would have thought "cut" would have way more
definitions than "scar of leaves."

The voice was that of a woman's, light and soft.

Mike::Legolas had broke out into song again.

Crow::(Via)On second thought how about I use this stuff to glue your
mouth shut!

"Where did you learn these techniques?"

Servo::Health class.

A heavier voice, yet light at the same time,

Mike::Light, but filling.

which I presumed to be that of a man, inquired.

Crow::You know for being asleep he’s pretty continent.

Servo::Yeah, he’s thinking more than Aragorn has for the entire fic
so far.

"I spent a month as punishment

Mike::For giving my father a stroke and pushing half of his army off
the tower.

of training in the healing arts in my father's infirmary.

Crow::Would you want a convicted felon as your doctor?

Servo::(Doctor)So you say you got this cut for squealing huh stoolie?
Well let’s just see how much you like having salt water in your veins.

A plague had struck us then,

Mike::Yeah, her.

so I learned to care for the best,

Crow::So she worked at the Mayo clinic?

and then I taught myself how to incorporate plants combined with
my powers into my healing,

Servo::Plus I beat the crap out of this Greek guy named Hippocrates
and stole all his notes.

and I am now the skilled healer I am today.

Mike::Over 9 million customers served.

Crow::Only 9 customers survived.

Didn't you ever get punished for doing anything bad? I've done
so many things that I got punished for,

Servo::(Legolas)Yak yak yak yak yak.

Mike::Are we sure she didn’t attack Btheil? She won’t shut up.

but I kept doing them, and eventually my father repented."

Crow::(Legolas)That’s really not interes . . .

Servo::(Via)Yeah I pretty much just have my father wrapped around my
little finger. But oh there were some bad things I did, like this one time
I set a whole bunch of trolls’ clocks forward so they thought it was night.
Man that was fun I mean . . .

Crow::(Legolas)I’m going to go find that serial killer now.

The female voice sounded unsure of her past,

Mike::(Via)It keeps changing on me. You try to understand it.

yet it sounded as though she favoured the memories.

Servo::She got to torture people, of course she enjoyed it.

"My father only punished me by making me spend time with maidens that
I cared not for.

Mike::(Via)I mean so I didn’t have enough money to buy the newest burlap
dress. That doesn’t give them any excuse to exclude me from their group.
I did get back though, guess what’s the secret ingredient in Ent draught.

Crow::(Legolas)Is it possible for you to shut up?

He was always trying to find someone I would court."

Servo::Oh great so Saurman has a tennis court made out of people. He’s
worse than Hel.

They sounded like they were high nobility, yet I couldn't understand:
High nobility caring for the sick?

Mike::(Via)Oh no, we’re losing Btheil.

Crow::(Legolas)He’s trying to stab himself because you won’t stop talking.

"And did King Thranduil find a maiden for the infamous, most highly
sought after

Crow::(Legolas)Fine, fine, my dad tried to hook Sauron up with my sister.
Boy was that a blind date to hell.

Mike::(Via)Don’t you mean from hell.

Crow::(Legolas)No they had to go to hell for it.

Prince Legolas?"

Mike::Is there a reason Legolas just asked himself that?

Servo::Via’s stream of conscious babble confused him so much he thinks
he’s Gimli now.

Ah, so the male's voice was that of the elven prince Legolas.
It made more sense now.

Crow::Really because we’ve known that the whole time and it still doesn’t
make any sense.

Mike::You have to realize Btheil was just operated on by Via, he’s
probably only got a pint of blood in him.

"No Vianene. Yet, I have seen maidens swoon over me,

Servo::(Legolas)Perhaps I should think about bathing.

to my disgust,

Crow::Man Legolas is so prissy I’m surprised he doesn’t pass out at
the sight of blood.

but I see not myself as the most highly sought after."

Mike::If only the race of fangirls who own a computer shared that same

The prince chuckled.

Servo::(Legolas)Awe look, Btheil is trying to get away from us and our
pointless conversations.

Vianene? I was at the archery tournament, was she the winner?

Crow::Everyone was really scared that she’d start throwing a tantrum
if they didn’t let her win.

"You must not know then.

Mike::What he doesn’t know could fill an ocean.

I remember when I was just about 300, I found a few maidens sitting
by a fountain discussing men."

Servo::So, high school?

She paused, cleared her throat and spoke in a high squeaky voice.

Crow::Here comes Peter cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity
hoppity Easter’s on its way.

Mike::If you don’t knock that off, I’m going to turn a basket of Cadbury
eggs into a suppository.

"Haven't you heard about Prince Legolas?

Servo::(Girl #1)Yeah, man is that guy an idiot.

Crow::(Girl #2)Don’t get to close to him, like within 10 feet. He smells
like that old Orc body we found lying in the bushes next to Orthanc.

I actually got to see him when I visited Rivendell.

Mike::Elrond routinely makes all of his guests put on a little play.

Servo::Up with Elves tours around Middle Earth trying to convince everyone
just how great they are.

You thought Yven was attractive?

Crow::Did the Vikings invade Middle Earth after Sauron was destroyed
or something?

Mike::Oh great, just what we need to deal with, Loki.

I'd say he was the most beautiful thing I ever saw."

Servo::Of course I’m blind so . . .

She paused again, clearing her throat,

Crow::Sorry, but that plague’s been going around again.

Mike::I know, I saw Via yesterday.

and went back to using her normal voice.

Servo::(Barf)So she’s a bass.

"I apologize highness, but I ran away to gag at that moment."
She laughed.

Crow::(Via)I was eating worms at the time and I accidentally ingested
a poisonous caterpillar instead.

Mike::(Legolas)You know just because the song tells you to go eat worms
doesn’t mean you should.

"Who is this attractive Yven that was compared to me?" He inquired.

Servo::Oh that’s Thor’s half cousin twice removed. Let’s just say he
could fold you up, put you in an envelope, and mail you to Asgard.

"Well, he was, sorry, is my best friend."

Crow::(Via)I didn’t kill him.

He sounded like more than just a friend to me;

Mike::Okay Btheil, since you seem to be the only one who knows what’s
going on we have a few questions for you.

Servo::One, if Via’s elf mother went off to Mandos, or in the authors
case Mandros, why would Legolas' mum be in Disco Hell?

Crow::Two, if Via does not need to breathe why is she missing one kidney
that controls her magic, an organ she shouldn’t know about anyway.

Mike::Three, what exactly is Tom Bombadil?

Servo::(Btheil)Um, I’m dead again.

however his highness must have had the same thoughts because he
spoke shortly after.

Crow::(Legolas)I wonder if there’s beer on the sun?

"Just a friend? I would say you too have more in your history than that!"

Mike::But since Via can’t seem to remember it, it doesn’t matter.

He chuckled, sounding astonished with himself.

Servo::(Legolas)I made a sentence!

"As a matter of fact we did court for about 500 years." He snorted.

Crow::(Legolas)Sorry, but the idea of anyone being around you for more
than five days without dying is pretty hard to take.

"And why did you two part?"

Mike::(Via)He found out my terrible secret.

Crow::(Legolas)What, that you’re a psycho half everything who doesn’t
really understand anything and annoys all of Middle Earth?

Mike::(Via)No, that I never read the book.

His voice was calm, yet inquisitive.

Servo::And at just that moment a dinosaur ripped down the wall and ate
them both. Right? Damn.

He sounded like he cared,

Crow::Of course he didn’t.

yet the slightest bit of sarcasm hung from his tone.

Mike::Oh great now we’re going to need a recount of Legolas’ sarcasm

Servo::Hanging chads, cute.

"He left for six years or so,

Mike::I would have counted, but I can’t get past five.

and returned with the Lady Azliem of Lorien on his arm.

Servo::(Homer Simpson)When they say don’t feed the bears, they mean
don’t feed the bears.

Crow::You watch too much TV.

I later realized my love lied not with him.

Mike::(Via)So I started to lie to other people.

Haven't you felt similar highness?"

Crow::(Legolas)Feelings are for the weak.

"I have courted very few, and 'twas I whom left them."

Servo::So Legolas is an asshole, good to know.

Mike::Actually I think he may have enjoyed musicals, wearing tights,
and redecorating a bit too much.

Crow::He did hang around with Gimli a lot.

He sighed, or so I heard, he may have gasped.

Servo::(Legolas)Oh god, get the fish out of my pants.

Mike::(Via)I think we need to go over the definition of a codpiece.

"I see. Well if makes you feel better; I have courted just as few.

Crow::(Btheil)Um, is anyone going to fix me or should I keep pretending
I’m asleep?

I also left most of them, even."

Servo::They’re perfect for each other, they’ll just leave each other.

Mike::(Via)I should have been more specific, I meant I left them dangling
off a cliff.

She trailed off as if leaving information behind.

Crow::Her server was down.

I suddenly felt her arm rise from my chest,

Servo::So she was wailing on him during this entire conversation?


from the process in which she was rubbing the leaf over my scar.

Servo::(Via)Here, go and have the guards boil the leftover leaves.

Crow::(Legolas)For more medicine?

Servo::(Via)No, for supper tonight.

Prince Legolas suddenly seemed alarmed by the tone in his voice.

Mike::Of course how he noticed without speaking was a good question.

Crow::You know Btheil seems to be almost omnipotent.

Servo::Maybe he’s Tom’s brother.

"Do you need assistance?" He inquired.

"No, but remembering my past courtships also reminds me of my froth-


Crow::(Via)Well I would always take my old beaus out for coffee right
before I dumped them. Ah, those are some good memories.

She sounded calm, though I could not see the expression on her

Servo::Since my eyes were closed and I was sleeping.

There was obvious attraction between the two,

Mike::They were both made out of magnets.

Crow::Quick, someone change the polarity of Legolas.

the way he sounded uneasy when she changed motions.

Servo::No, see to me it sounds like he’s worried she’s going to go postal,
or fall down, or accidentally throw the scalpel at his toes.

"Your froth-barrier?" He inquired. I opened my eyes just enough to see
them, but so that they could barely see my open eyes.

Mike::(Via)Hey look Btheil’s awake and doing his Chinese impression.

They were too engrossed in each other to notice me anyway.

Crow::So I got up and left.

"Elves can bind themselves to each other,

Servo::(Legolas)We can?

as can an Istari.

Mike::Which is kind of scary since they’re all old wrinkly guys.

Crow::(Legolas)So when exactly is the next wizard get-together.

When an Istari is in love and their magical senses realize it,
the froth-barrier removes itself from the back of our necks, and attaches
itself to the neck of the one we love."

All:: . . .

Servo::Are you sure it’s not some type of parasite?

Mike::Yeah they don’t seem to bathe much, maybe it’s bed bugs or scabies.

She paused a moment,

Crow::And started laughing.

Servo::(Via)I’m sorry, oh my God was that a ridiculous line.

and brought her finger to her chin, pondering something, or remembering,

Mike::(Via)Did you also know that when we feel hunger our bubble-layer
detaches from our hair and hunts for food.

I could not tell. "Legolas, how do you feel about me?"

Crow::(Legolas)You just said anyone you like gets attacked by bugs,
I am catching the next wagon out of here.

She looked very concerned on this thought.

Servo::Would someone get her some Imodium AD.

"I feel very strongly for you Vianene,

Mike::(Legolas)I have never despised anyone more than you, and I’ve
gone up against Sauron.

how do you feel for myself?"

Crow::Not me, just my body.

Servo::It’s written by a fangirl. Does he have to ask.

He inquired, with compassion feeling his voice.

Mike::So compassion just became sentient. Oh man, Sam’s in trouble.

"I feel attracted to you, most certainly, but I cannot say I feel more.

Crow::(Legolas)Thank Iluvatar.

Legolas I need to make sure you understand something."

Servo::(Via)I think you’re G-A-Y.

Mike::(Legolas)I think your N-U-T-S.

She paused for a few moments, and inhaling, she resumed speaking.

Crow::But I thought she didn’t breathe?

Servo::Apparently, while her kidney’s off the roster, her lungs are
filling in by filtering her blood.

"You do not love me. It is the game fooling with your emotions.

Mike::You just take Monopoly too seriously.

I will certainly hold you in my heart when this game is over.

Crow::(Legolas)Ah! I don’t want to be kept in your heart, wherever it

But you do not love me. You cannot love me.

Servo::(Via)I’m really a man.

As I cannot love you."

Mike::(Via)As your odor has destroyed all of my taste buds, and that
squirrel you keep in your room has already given me rabies.


Mialesque's Point of View


I woke early, as the luscious golden rays gleamed down upon my soft
resilient skin.

Crow::It doesn’t seem to take a punch very well, though.

I sat up in my bed.

Servo::(Mialesque)Huh, so that’s what it’s like to sleep. I don’t really
see what the big deal is. Mortals are weird.

Today was the day I had been asked to come to the court yards by the

Mike::And yesterday was the day when I was told to go to the dungeon
by the heavy fog.

I was not a moment late, nor would I be.

Crow::(Mia)Because I am so important no meeting can start without me.

Servo::Forget about Orc raids, I’d be worried that all of these egos
will try to destroy Middle Earth.

I quickly dressed, in a pair of breeches

Mike::It’s better than the beeches Via’s been carting around.

and tunic that Hewtrive had lent me.

Crow::Oh man now they’re starting to dress the same too.

Servo::(Legolas)Hewie’s my much much older brother.

When he heard I was to train with weapons,

Mike::I feared for my life when I learned Via would be holding them

he insisted that I could not wear a dress.

Crow::As everyone knows, it’s impossible to shoot a gun wearing a dress.

We had quarrelled for moments regarding it,



Servo::(Hewie)Piece of wood!

Mike::(Mia)Oh you! Yeah, well if you had just a bit more gumption we
could be married by now.

Servo::(Hewie)Hey your father can go pick up his own jewelry. Besides,
I’m starting to thank Iluvatar that the Silmarils are hidden. It’s kept
me from having to be married to you.

Mike::(Mia)Why you little wench.

yet in the end I let him win.

Crow::(Mia)He gets cranky if I don’t give him his juice right after
his nap.

I must say the things I must put up with.

Servo::(Mia)So here, in order of annoyance, are all of the things I
must put up with. 1. The spiders in Mirkwood are big enough to step on
me. 2. I am really getting sick and tired of finding Legolas hiding in
my closet. 3. . .

Crow::Okay, we get the point.

I positioned my hair so that my light golden locks fell lightly from
the back of my head.

Mike::She’s trying to hide that huge bald spot Via created when she
yanked out her hair.

I put a pair of simple black heel-less shoes

Servo::So, normal shoes then.

on for comfort,

Crow::(Mia)Feels like a sneaker my ass.

and trotted off to the court yards.

Mike::Did half of the people in Gondor turn into donkeys over night?

Servo::Yeah well Aragorn can be quite an ass sometimes.

I noticed few other women,

Crow::Because I was too busy grazing by the river.

and ten men were there.

Mike::(Via)This is what you give me when I ask for an army?

Servo::(Aragorn)What, did you expect me to breed a 10,000 person army

One woman in particular caught my eye.

Crow::(Mia)Ha ha, Arwen. You only got one of ‘em.

She was turned from me, stretching her body against a tree.

Mike::(Mia)Would someone get her a back scratch!

Her tunic was of a pale blue, the colour of the sky upon mid-day,
and her breeches were the browns of bark and ground.

Servo::You know Mia seems to be staring at her a little too hard.

Crow::Hewie’s gonna have a bit of a problem later on in his marriage.

Her tunic wrinkled, as though not pressed properly,

Mike::Well, she doesn’t have an adapter for the Middle Earth outlets.

and I noticed her breeches did the same.

Servo::As well as her skin.


Her arms were bare, and I took a moment to study them. They were
lean, and graceful, yet they were strong and muscular.

Mike::Yep, lots of problems.

I resided my gaze from the maiden, and turned to over view the

Servo::(Mia)Suppress it, suppress it.

The ten of them were mostly handsome.

Crow::And they had about twelve teeth between them.

I noticed Prince Legolas, and the ends of my lips curled up in
a smile.

Crow::As he had a potted plant sitting on top of his head, and about
twenty pounds of fertilizer down his pants.

Servo::(Legolas)It’s supposed to get rid of my dry skin.

Mike::(Mia)Could I interest you in some snake oil?

I also noticed several other men

Crow::(Via)I thought I told you women, women.

Servo::(Aragorn)These are the women.

Crow::(Via)Oh, next times don’t contract out for the Amazons.

who were quite inferior to Legolas in looks,

Mike::Anyone else getting the feeling that in a few chapters we’re gonna
find a colossal gold statue of Legolas just because he’s pretty.

Servo::You do know that The Colossus was nude, right?

Crow::Oh, why did you have to say that?!

but then what could you expect?

Mike::Good lord, Hewie’s in more trouble than we thought. The only people
she likes are women and Legolas.

He was of elven culture, where as they were the race of men.

Servo::They had not been taught to suppress their emotions from years
of boarding schools. That must be why they keep hitting each other in the
head with their swords and axes.

I figured some harmless flirting would help make this day seem

Crow::And the story that much more brain damaging.

I walked over in a steady pace, remembering that he was not better than

Mike::Remember thou art mortal, remember though art mortal.

Servo::(Mia)Aren’t you due on The Globe’s stage now?

I made sure my tunic was straight, and put on a gracious smile,
one that had made many other men's hearts melt.

Crow::You know, like your fiancée’s? Remember him?

"Prince Legolas, it amazes me to see you here on such a fine morning.

Mike::(Mia)Shouldn’t you be lying in the bathtub nursing one hell of
a hangover.

Surely you have naught the need to train amongst women,

Servo::Yeah he really should start with one-celled animals, move up
to tadpoles, and after about ten years he’ll be ready to take on women.

for you are a superior warrior, as were you from the young ages
of 1000."

Crow::Why would the elves care about age?

Mike::They only want those that are over 6,500 get a senior discount

I moved in closer and brought my chin to my chest,


Crow::I swear that girl can sleep anywhere.

as I could not curtsey in breeches.

Mike::And she couldn’t bow since she’d had her hips removed.

"It is indeed a pleasure to see you as well Lady Mialesque."

Servo::(Legolas)It’s just about as great as that time I had vinegar
sprayed in my eyes, lost almost all of my father’s wine barrels, and the
day I met Via all combined into one.

He took my hand in his larger one and kissed my knuckle gently.

Crow::(Legolas)Your Holiness.

"I was asked to attend for demonstration purposes by the Lady

Mike::(Legolas)She’s going to try to rip all of the trees out of the
ground. It’s gonna be a riot.

I welled up in anger, though I did not show it.

Servo::(Legolas)Um, Mia, you’re breaking my fingers.

Vianene! She is everywhere, is she not?

Crow::Oh great, now Via is God.

Mike::This has got to be some kind of a Mary Sue record. It’s one thing
if they’re exotically beautiful and can save all the main characters from
utter destruction, but to actually infer that she’s God. . .

It seems that everyone would prefer to look at a maiden of her

Servo::44 Magnum

Crow::(Legolas)Actually I’ve always preferred steel.

though she has the nose of pigs,

Mike::Which she keeps in a jar in her room.

Servo::She’s the love child of Chief Wiggam.

and the beauty of none such I have seen.

Crow::That’s what happens when you spend all your time reading magazines
like Cosmo and Vogue.

It infuriated me, when all Hewtrive could bear to talk about for
an hour on end was how marvellous she is!

Mike::(Hewie)I mean it’s marvelous that I actually survived. I thought
for sure that I was going to die and end up in Disco hell. Is it not wondrous
that she did not push me off any tower?

"Do you know what sort of demonstration you will be completing?"

Servo::Considering who’s writing this it’ll probably be a naked wresting
match with his clone.

Crow::Would you knock that off.

I hope it's showing me the right way to hold everything,


Servo::Someone’s been watching too much late night Sunday TV on Oxygen.

because I can't bear to watch you fawn over her.

Crow::So don’t invite Beorn and Bambi. There, problem solved.

"No I'm afraid not. I believe you ladies are to be instructed in self-
defence by Vianene today however."

Mike::(Legolas)Sucks to be you.

He crossed his arms, closed his eyes, and lowered his head,

Servo::Just what we need a rapping elf.

as if looking towards the ground.

Crow::But since he was standing on his head during the conversation
he in fact looked towards the sky.

"Oh, well I shall see you later than."

Mike::(Mia)Five, I’ve got some errands to run and then I should be by,
okay sweetie.

Servo::(Legolas)Um, I’m not Hewtrive, I’m Legolas.

Mike::(Mia)Like I care.

I smiled curtly, and walked away.

Crow::Legolas seems to piss off all the women he hangs around with.

Servo::He doesn’t really have what we’d call the people skills.

There were now about 100 women including myself there.

Mike::Did they just pop out of the ground while you were staring at

Crow::It’s Fran’s contribution to the movement. She knows it’ll just
get her more overhead.

Most were dressed in breeches and tunics, or skirts that barely
brazed their knees.

Servo::(Mia)Oh wait, they’re not women, that’s just the Roman army.

Vianene had come to walk forward,

Mike::And now that she’d finished walking forward, she left.

and was commanding all the ladies to get into line,

Crow::Oh come on, do you call that a straight line? Okay, who are the
line leaders?

Servo::It’s okay, marching band is over.

and the men to stand behind her.


Crow::(Aragorn)Hey, that’s my line.

"Hello. I am Vianene, daughter of Viarelle, and it is in my objective
to teach you to protect yourselves from my serial killer stalker."

Servo::(Woman 1)But we already know how to deal with Legolas.

Mike::(Woman 2)Yeah just talk to him. He gets all red and starts to
mumble before he stops breathing and passes out.

I stifled a laugh. We needed to learn to protect ourselves from
her stalker?

Crow::Over half of Gondor are stalkers already, what’s one more?

It was a sad thought really.

Servo::Well you wrote it.

"Now, in order for me to demonstrate what I can teach you, I have asked
the ten gentlemen behind me to assit me."

Mike::(Man 1)You did?

Crow::(Man 2)I thought we were standing here for a potato sack race?

Servo::(Man 3)Weren’t there supposed to be some free hot wings?

She took a rope in her arms, and called one of the girls forward.

Mike::(Via)See this is a rope, it’s long and coily and stuff. And can
be used to tie things.

Crow::(Sam)I know I packed a rope, where did it go? I’ll bet that murderous
lady that was sleeping in the river took it.

Servo::(Frodo)That’s okay, we’ll just go around this gorge. What could

Crow::(Gollum)My preciousss!

Vianene turned around and clasped her hands together,

Mike::(Via)Mosquito. Got it.

so the girl could tie the rope around her wrists. She turned around
again, back to Legolas and the other men.

Crow::(Legolas)All right, now just pin the tail on the donkey.

"Alright gentlemen, attack me."

Servo::(Man 1)Okay, whatever. *Pulls out gun and shoots her*

Her face was void of all emotion, and she didn't move.

Crow::(Aragorn)What is she doing?

Mike::(Legolas)I’m not sure, Gandalf?

Servo::(Gandalf)Oh great, she’s dead again.

She stood with her feet apart.

Mike::Because if you don’t, you tend to fall over.

The men exchanged looks that showed they were dumb-founded,

Crow::Ah man all we got in this package was a bunch of dumb-founded

Servo::Anyone got an excited? I’ll finally be able to complete my collection.

as if saying to them, "We can't attack a lady!"

Mike::Well most faces do have mouths so they could have said that.

Only Legolas stepped forward.

Crow::(Legolas)Oh no you don’t, I’m the one who’s been through the most
hell, I get to kill her.

The men shot looks at him, questioning his sanity.

Servo::Everything seems to be anthropomorphic in this story. Eyes think,
looks have questions.

"Gentlemen, I assure you that you will feel all the less pain
if I attack you with my body.

Mike::Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt

Crow::What if I called you crapfest?

Doubt me not; I can attack you from this distance."

Servo::Yeah she can just talk. It’ll drive everyone insane.

I thought it was impossible.

Mike::Diet Dr. Pepper tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper.

She was a good fifteen feet from the men, but she showed no signs
of worry or foolish kidding.

Crow::Of course the signs of idiocy, stupidity, and psychoticness were
all there.

Legolas again started trudging towards her.

Servo::Okay, why are all of the men in swamps?

If she had no elven roots, he would have been undetectable,

Mike::Come on, he’s moving slower than a garden slug. How could no one
see him?

Crow::The flash he ain’t.

except she seemed to know exactly where each person was.

Servo::Since she was staring at all of them.

She closed her eyes for a few seconds, and what I saw was a man
being suspended in the air,

Mike::Help The Matrix FX have gotten out of control and are attacking

held by a giant vine that had sprung from the ground.

Crow::(Legolas)I got it. You vine, go suffocate the non-breathing lady.

The men looked afraid, except for Legolas.

Mike::Then he realized that this was going to end with him back in disco
hell and he started to shake like a newborn kitten.

He trudged on,

Servo::(*Singing Sailing over the bounty*)Trudging, trudging, over the
open plain. I’ve come across right through the mud to kill Via again, hey.

and he was close enough, too close for regular elf protocol.

Crow::I’ll bet the elf handbook is big enough to flatten an oliphunt.

He was about to entrap her with his arms,

Mike::(Legolas)Rrrm. Zombie Legolas need brains. Ah, starve to death
in Gondor!

when she suddenly ducked down to the ground.

Servo::By suddenly, we mean that she had about five minutes or so to
do it.

Balancing on the hands tied behind her back and right leg,

Crow::She started a Russian dance.

she swung her left leg around, catching Legolas by surprise and
knocking him back to the ground.

Mike::(Legolas)Rah! Fire Bad!

To be able to take down one of the fiercest warriors amongst elven kind
with only a kick?

Servo::What, was Fingolfin just beaten?

It was power incredible;

Crow::Stop putting your heads in the microwave, it’s not going to give
you superpowers. Bloody kids.

it couldn't be harnessed by man, or woman for that fact. Could
I be taught to harness such strength?

Mike::She just kicked him! He was moving so slow, a fourth grader could
have taken him down!

Servo::(Mia)Teach us this thing you call kick.

Two other men had the idea that if they ganged up on Vianene they could
take her down,

Crow::(Via)Green light. . . . RED LIGHT!

Mike::(Man 1)Ah, we hadn’t moved two inches before you said red light,
play fair.

though they saw how carelessly Legolas had been taken down.

Servo::(Legolas)Can I go home now?

The came at her from both her left and right sides,

Crow::I, uh, I think I’ll just go catch a little bit of Crouching Tiger,
Hidden Dragon.

Mike::This is more like Crouching Psycho, Hidden Plot.

but she had an evil grin plastered on her face.

Servo::(Via)He he, I can kick all of your asses.


When they were both within an arms length, she pushed herself
off the ground into the air.

Mike::(Goofy *falling*)Woo-who-who-oy!

She extended her legs, kicking both men forcefully in the chin.

Servo::(Man 1)Hey, what’d we ever do to you?

Crow::(Man 2)We were just trying to get to the buffet table.

They fell back on the ground.

Mike::Suicide squad! Attack! *Everyone stabs themselves* *Dying* That’ll
show ‘em.

Servo::(Legolas)Ah crap, okay who here has killed about um, 10 million
people? Okay Aragorn, we need to take another visit to disco hell.

One other man, who was vulgar, large and muscular, came up from behind
Vianene, thinking that if he could grab her legs she would have no defences

Crow::But he forgot about her magical hair that had been trained in
Tai Chi.

As a counter attack, Vianene jumped over his head,

Servo::This is starting to sound like an Animaniacs episode.

Mike::What, did you grow up during the ‘90’s?

and on the way back down, kicked his spinal cord and he sprawled
to the floor.

Crow::(Man)I only wanted to get that spider off your back. You didn’t
need to paralyze me.

I hoped she hadn't permanently damaged these people,

Servo::But just two minutes ago, you were cheering her on in a rage
of bloodlust.

but it was interesting to see one person take out five with her hands

Crow::(Aragorn)Mia, put down that TV and watch Via get her ass kicked.

The next five fell with ease,

Mike::As they were just made out of cardboard.

but I saw Legolas jump from the ground,

Servo::(Legolas)Ah I think I fell onto a porcupine.

ready to face off.

Crow::Today in the Vianene Arena, Legolas -- the most pathetic elf in
Middle Earth -- squares off against Morris the cat.

His eyes were dead set on Vianene,

Mike::Who was sitting on a stump conversing with the men she hadn’t
kicked yet, having a spot of tea.

and I looked at her with my peripheral vision.

Servo::(Mia)Hey, you. Yeah, you. Hang up the cell phone we’re trying
to film a crappy fight scene here.

She cocked her head to the side, as if to say

Crow::(Via)You think you can beat me in rooster calls? Go ahead on.

"Aren't you going to try?"

Mike::(Legolas)Well, it would really show how idiotic a person is if
he kept trying to attack people only to get kicked in the bottom. So, okay.

I thought it was quite disgusting the way she taunted him,

Servo::(Via)Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberry.

but she didn't move.

Crow::She’d finally fallen into the Gondor golf course sand trap.

He walked towards her slowly and smiled, as if returning the challenge.

Mike::(Via)Here’s the challenge I borrowed. Are there any late fees?

She took a step forward.

Servo::And was attacked by a swamp rat?

Everyone watched in silence as she gracefully jumped about an
inch from the ground,

Crow::Wow, that’s a really impressive vertical jump.

Mike::A whole inch? How do you do it?

and swung her leg around at Legolas' head.

Servo::Missed his face by about a foot, throwing herself off balance,
and hit the ground tumbling, so she rolled right off the cliff.

Crow::(Aragorn)Um, anyway, never mind. I guess the serial killer’s
prey is dead, so you can all go back to being obscure characters.

I gasped and watched, as he raised his arm and blocked.

Mike::(Mia)I thought for sure that Legolas was brain dead.

Her leg hit just below his wrist, on bare skin.

Servo::So his hand.

Crow::Ah, now Legolas’ll never grow up to be a famous guitar player.

Mike::Thank god.

Then in a sudden motion, my eyes followed as Legolas threw her
leg over head,

Servo::But you didn’t even notice when he ripped it off her body?

sending her around.

Crow::(Legolas)Round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows.

She was prepared, and countered.

Mike::By spinning counter clockwise.

Before she came to the ground she pulsed out her wrists

Servo::What the hell does that mean?

Crow::Should people be forcing their wrists out by using blood pressure?

Mike::Or maybe she used someone’s pulsating music.

and the rope binding her hands broke free.

Servo::Cheater cheater, pumpkin eater. Had a psycho and couldn’t keep

She broke her fall with her hands

Crow::So at this point neither of them have functioning hands.

and rolled forward. She then lay motionless on the ground. To
my surprise Legolas didn't move.

Mike::(Gandalf)For the last bloody time, you have to breathe!

He was still in attacking position. Hadn't he won already?

Servo::Oh oh wait, it looks like the ref is calling back the touchdown.
Looks like the game isn’t over yet.

As if in answer to my question, Vianene rocked her body backwards

Crow::The only question that will answer is, Was Via Rain Man in another

and thrusted herself upwards, landing on her feet.

Mike::(Via)Oh man, my leg is asleep. Little help.

She fluffed her hair out,

Servo::(Via)Wait, time out! My braid’s falling out.

Crow::(Legolas)Oh here, let me do it.

Servo::(Via)Okay, time in.

and raised her arms, with her hands balled into fists,

Mike::(Via)Wa, Via want her glass branch! I’ll hold my breath until
I get it.

her left fist to her chin,

Crow::(Via)Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting

Servo::(All)Yes, stop hitting yourself.

and the right one a few centimetres away from the first.

Mike::Was she posing for her senior pictures or something.

Her elbows were bent and she was ready to fight.

Crow::Either that, or she was ready to do the bunny hop.

I couldn't believe her stamina.

Servo::She’s had lots of practice killing people.

She wasn't even breathing heavily,

Mike::Of course not, she shouldn’t be breathing at all.

yet she'd just knocked nine men unconscious.

Crow::Anyway, that’s the recap of everything that’s happened in the
past paragraph, just in case you had stepped out to go invade China or

She stepped forward,

Servo::directly into the oak tree.

and Legolas moved into a similar position.

Mike::(Legolas)You’re right, the oak does smell different from the pine
tree. Are we done smelling the forest now?

She lunged forward at Legolas, attacking with her right and left,

Crow::(Mia)While I typically won’t argue about Via getting her ass kicked,
is there any point to all this?

Servo::(Aragorn)Yeah, at the last minute our sponsors pulled out of
the burying maidens event, so we needed to come up with some kind of entertainment.

in alternating combinations, keeping one fist at her chin at all

Mike::So every time she flung her arm at Legolas the other fist connected
with her own face?

Legolas blocked with his own two arms,

Crow::As opposed to using the two arms Via had ripped off that old guard.

backing up with each block as she pursued forwards. He suddenly
found his back against a tree. Vianene smiled a malicious grin.

Servo::(Via)You cannot defeat me for all trees are deathly afraid of

Mike::(Legolas)Get her boys!

Crow::(Treebeard)You’re mine little lumberjack.

She ran up one tree briefly,

Servo::Realized that she was not an ewok, fell down, and resumed punching
herself in the face.

than spun around, to use a kick.

Mike::(Legolas)Why are you kicking that tree?

Crow::(Via)Oh it knows why.

Legolas crossed his two fists over his masculine, muscular chest,

Servo::Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Mike::That was made entirely out of pudding.

bracing himself to lessen the impact of the blow.

Crow::Maybe you should try moving out of the way.

To my surprise, instead of kicking she curled her fingers and
thumb, freeing her palm,

Servo::by using her curled fingers to rip her palm off.

and thrusted the heel of her hand up at his nose.

Mike::(Via)Does this smell like manure to you?

Legolas' head bounced backwards and hit the tree,

Crow::Then hit the ground and started rolling towards the moat.

Servo::(Legolas)Hey you, get back here. I need you to see and talk.

and he fell to the ground, unconscious.

Crow::(Aragorn)Um, he’s not breathing.

Mike::(Via)He’s fine.

Servo::(Gandalf)I believe that brings your total up to five million.
Now about those souls that you promised me.

Vianene turned, and she looked as though nothing had happened,

Mike::That’s what happens when you have no heart.

Crow::Or lungs, or stomach, or intestines, or gall bladder. . .

as though she had as much energy as one does when one wakes up
in the morning.

Servo::Mia would be one of those perky Monday morning cheerleaders.

She spoke shortly after.

Mike::(Via)What are you looking at?

"Who can tell me what these men's biggest mistake was?"

Crow::(Woman 1)Well um, for starters, you only chose the most invalid
among the men to attack you.

Servo::(Woman 2)Yeah and you maced like twelve of them before you even

Mike::(Woman 3)In fact, I think five of them aren’t even alive, and
ten were made out of cardboard.

I felt sudden respect for Vianene.

Crow::Even if she still was a trespassing whore.

She harnessed abilities that I have yet to see in another,

Servo::Mia doesn’t read a lot of Mary Sue fanfiction does she?

she commands to be respected.

Mike::Unlike Aragorn who commands as long as his wife is watching.

A woman of her stature deserved respect.

Crow::According to the Mary Sue translation dictionary; respect: noun,
to fear the psycho character as she can go mental at any moment of any
time. Yep I guess that fits.

"They underestimated you." A maiden beside me called out.

Servo::(Via)I’m sorry, but you did not state that in a form of a question.

Mike::(Via)Now I want to see some hands people. No just blurting out
the answer.

I didn't bother glancing in her direction; I needed to ponder
my thoughts longer.

Crow::(Mia)And I couldn’t think while looking at people.

"That is correct.

Servo::(Via)Plus they’re big stinky idiots who aren’t fit to clean out
the stables.

The worst thing you can do in battle is underestimate your opponent.

Mike::Really because I thought the worst thing to do in a battle is

I am going to teach you how hard it is to do such a thing."

Crow::(Woman 1)Look I think we have underestimating things down.

Servo::(Woman 2)Yeah we’ve already overestimated just about everyone
in this story, how hard can it be to do the opposite.

She turned back to Legolas.

Mike::(Legolas)The men and I have gotten together and baked you a cake.

Crow::(Via)Oh that’s so sweet, yum, kind of almond flavored.

Mike::(Legolas)Now, about having us all stuck in the cement while you
rabbit punched us.

Servo::(Aragorn)Yeah you’re not getting the antidote until you say
you’re sorry.

She took a leaf of a plant of some kind and held it under his

Crow::(Via)I told you a poisonous ivy leaf smelled just like an oak
but would you listen to me, oh no.

letting him revel in the scent.

Mike::As well as all the germs on the leaf.

Servo::Ever since the chili feed everyone’s been having horrible diarrhea,
and well they don’t exactly have toilet paper around.

He was suddenly awake, and his nose had stopped bleeding.

Crow::So wait, elves don’t have lungs but they do have blood. Seems
kind of pointless.

She beckoned for him to stand, and though he wavered as he stood,

Mike::(Scotty)Sir, I’m losing his pattern. It must be the interference
from his hair.

he used the tree for balance and rose to his feet.

Servo::(Legolas)Stupid Gimli, I knew he’d put something in my Coke.

The two were standing but a foot away from us

Crow::Jeez Mia, there’s this thing called personal space. Look into

and I heard her tell him to hold the leaf under his nose for a
minute and he would feel better.

Mike::(Via)And for those of you who are not standing on top of us, Mia,
I told him to suck the leaf up his nose.

He did so.

Servo::(Via)What are you doing?

Crow::(Legolas)Didn’t you tell me to hold the thing against my teeth?

She also apologized for hitting him against the tree, as that
wasn't supposed to happen,

Mike::Instead she’d meant to stab him through the chest with a sharp

as it added to the pain, and the power from which he lost consciousness.

Servo::Yeah well, Legolas tends to spend most of his time punch drunk
so one more knock out shouldn’t matter too much.

He nodded his head in acceptance.

Crow::(Legolas)Whoa! Don’t do that again. Anyone have a sling for my

She called out to us, "how many weapons is Legolas carrying?"

Mike::(Legolas)You mean I could have used weapons? Damn it!

Vianene beckoned for him to turn around, and he slowly did so.

Servo::(Legolas)Please, my vision can’t take it. I feel like I’m stuck
in an Anime cartoon.

Several girls called out numbers. "One! Four!

Crow::Wait, does the tree count or not?

Seven! Ten!"


Servo::Very small rocks!


Mike::Lead! Lead!

Servo::A duck!

I surveyed him and counted.

Crow::As nausea overtook him and his face hit the ground, hard.

Everyone else had stopped guessing.

Mike::(Via)No volunteers, fine, can someone tell me the quadratic equation?

Servo::Isn’t that the number you use to calculate how much it costs
to raise a horse?

Mike::(Via)No that’s the quadruped equation.

Crow::How about how many hits you can take to the head before you become
completely paralyzed.

Mike::(Via)What, no that’s the quadriplegic equation.

"Nine!" I called out.

"Who said nine?"

Servo::What the hell kind of number is that?

Vianene answered.

Crow::Yeah it was her, Via said it.

I stepped forward. She smiled.

Mike::She’d just found someone else she could wail on.

"Why nine?"

Servo::Because the dwarves really weren’t working out, so Sauron gave
the rest of the rings to a bunch of men.

I replied, "Two blades, a bow, arrows, two fists,

Crow::(Legolas)Except for that fact that one hand got kicked off a long
time ago.

two feet and a brain."

Mike::Why does it not surprise me that Legolas would put his brain in
a sling and fire it at people.

Vianene smiled again. I stepped back in line.

Servo::Oh no, now they’re line dancing.

"You are the closest yet, but you are wrong."

Crow::(Via)Ha ha, burned ya good.

She put the back of her palm to her mouth

Mike::And hacked up one hell of a loogie.

and asked Legolas something very quietly. He answered quietly.


She turned back to us and ran her gaze amongst us women.

Crow::(Via)I’ll bet you’re wondering why this scene hasn’t ended yet.


Crow::(Via)Well you see we seem to have misplaced Gandalf, Aragorn,
Arwen, and the whole herd of people I made up, so unless we find ‘em we’re
stuck here.

"He is carrying one hundred and eight weapons.

Servo::No that would be you.

Mike::Wait, wouldn’t that mean that the woman who guessed ten was the

Crow::I say 1 dollar Bob.

Each individual arrow is a weapon,

Servo::(Legolas)Holy crap, I have 108 arrows?

Mike::(Via)Well maybe if you didn’t waste arrows shooting at clouds,
you wouldn’t need such a large arsenal.

Servo::(Legolas)And why didn’t I use any of them on you?

as is his brain, Legolas' fists, feet and brain.

Crow::So Legolas is a stegosaurus and has a brain in both his head and

Mike::I find it hard to believe he has any gray matter in either place.

You have just under-estimated your opponent."

Servo::(Woman)And you just greatly overestimated.

Crow::Man I would never want Via to do my taxes. I’d be audited five
times over.

Every girl turned to one another.

Mike::(Girl)Help, we’re getting younger by the minute. I was fifty-five
when I came out here this morning, now I’m just a schoolgirl!

I smiled, once again, impressed.

Servo::(Mia)I really can’t believe it’s not butter.

How she taught was realistic,

Crow::Arguing with your students about how well you kicked the crap
out of people doesn’t seem like a very realistic teaching method to me.

they had under-estimated him.

Mike::Do you think someone was under-estimated in this story?

She turned to us once again.

Servo::Then away, back to us, away, back to us. . .

Crow::(Via)Look, I’ve invented the merry-go-round.

"Now, who will tell me how many weapons I am carrying?"

Mike::1 million, 3 hundred and 98 thousand.

Servo::(Via)Ah but you forgot about that piece of cheese I keep in
my pocket.

She rotated so we could see the back of her wrinkled tunic and

Crow::(Mia)You, frisk her.

I questioned the wrinkles now.

Mike::(Mia)Where were you on the night of March 15th?

Servo::(Wrinkles)I swear I wasn’t anywhere near Rome, I was busy being
pressed in Thebes.

She rotated once more, and people once again started shouting out numbers.

Crow::God, this story is spinning in a circle faster than Via.

She waited a few minutes until everyone quieted down.

Mike::(Via)Shut up, shut up, shut up! This is my stupid class, and I
get to say what happens. Ah come on, stop talking. Please?

She smiled mischievously, but turned her head to the side, to look at
Legolas. "You've yet to guess Legolas."

Servo::(Legolas)Um, I’m fairly sure no one in the world can count that

He grinned. "Vianene, I wouldn't be able to guess even if you held but
one weapon behind your back in all visibility."

Crow::But it would only be visible half the time as she spun around.

Mike::(Legolas)Is it ‘C?’

She grinned again at that statement,

Servo::Then her face started to turn green.

Crow::(Via)Uh, I’m starting to get dizzy.

just after her cheeks had fallen back to their original place.

Mike::Plastic surgery isn’t for everyone.

Servo::That’s what you get for injecting deadly bacteria into your

"Well than you are a smart one.

Crow::Legolas is a Weight Watcher’s TV dinner?

Who can tell me what's good about not guessing?"

Mike::Well if you’re taking the SAT’s and you guess you lose like a
fourth of a point, but if you guess on the ACT’s you don’t get penalized
at all.

I suddenly spoke up, urged to answer. "Because you can't under-estimate
you're opponent." I yelled, matter-of-factly.

Servo::The word of the day is under-estimate.

"Very good," she replied, nodding her head in my directions.


Mike::Well Mia’s position would keep changing from Via’s stance as
she spins around in circles.

"To tell the truth, I couldn't tell you myself how many weapons
I was carrying,

Servo::Tax purposes.

and if I was to put them in visible sight, it would take to long
to find all of them,

Crow::You know, there are some places on the human body where daggers
and arrows should not be stored.

count them, and put them back."

Mike::(Via)Yeah it takes like ten days just to get them all off, and
then I’m out of a chance to kill people.

I chuckled under my breath.

Servo::(Mia)Sorry, I was just thinking about something stupid Aragorn
did last night.

"But no longer will we continue this squabble, you need to be

Crow::About the only thing Via can train them to do is how to die.

She smiled evilly,

Mike::Sounds like a water brand name.

Servo::No, that’s Evian.

and divided us into two lines, putting a small space between us.

Crow::Do elves have the habit of practically standing on top of everyone
they meet?

She began calling instructions left and right,

Mike::(Via)I’d like for you to meet my two instruction enforcers, the
first is named right and this is left.

Servo::(Right)Just give me an excuse to rip your intestines out through
your mouth.


even to the men who were conscious.

Mike::(Via)Come on, would you just get those bodies off the stage.

Vianene took total control, and ordered me and a few other girls
to stand by a tree, and to sit down.

Servo::(Mia)Can do. ZZZZZZ.

Crow::Is this some new battle tactic, hold a picnic in the demilitarized

I looked around. There were 7 groups, each with about 15 people
in them, one with only 14.

Mike::Wait, that’s 119 people. Where’d the extra 19 come from?

Servo::Never fails, start a line and before too long people start showing
up just to stand in it.

She told each of two of the three conscious men to go to a group,

Crow::Trident. Two out of three conscious men can’t be wrong.

and told the remaining man to stand in front of her.

Mike::(Remaining Man)Um why am I blocking you?

Servo::(Via)All of Tolkien’s fans just showed up and it looks like
they stopped by a quarry on the way here.

"For now, -" she used her hands for emphasis, "you will work on punches.

Crow::I want to see Hawaiian Punch flowing from the fountains by the
time we are done, and if you run out of SevenUp just use some vodka.

A proper punch, should not be aimed low,

Mike::Instead aim too high, miss the head completely, and get the crap
beat out of you.

and should be both forceful and swift.

Servo::(Via)See like me, you just punch your assailant in the back of
the head then run off before he can turn around.

The men will walk around helping you."

Crow::(Man 1)But we’re tired.

Mike::(Man 2)And our feet hurt.

Servo::(Man 3)We don’t want to get hit anymore. Can’t you buy a punching
bag or something?

Then, quicker than a normal eye can follow,

Crow::Is it normal for your eye to grow legs, jump out of its socket,
and run after things?

she punched the man in front of her forcefully.

Mike::(Man)Owe, what did I do to you?

Servo::(Via)You breathed. No one shall breathe as long as I’m in town.

I noticed blood start to drip from his nose.

Crow::The doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nosebleeds if I just kept
my finger out of there.

"A proper punch should be thrown like that.

Mike::It should be pitched underhand.

If you are under attack, sometimes one good punch is enough for
you to get away, and get help."

Servo::Did they have McGruff houses in Middle Earth?

From another group, I saw a hand fly up.

Crow::These people can’t seem to keep a grip on their limbs and organs.

"Yes?" Vianene answered hoarsely.

Mike::(Via)Sorry, but I’ve been swallowing branches and sometimes they
get stuck on the way down.

She seemed rather annoyed, or aggravated,

Servo::She’s going stir crazy from being stuck in this scene for so

yet patient and calm at the same time.

Crow::(Via)WHY YOU LITTLE . . . calm, soothing thoughts. I am in commune
with na . . . WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

"Have you ever punched and ran?"

Mike::(Via)What do I look like, Halle Berry?

"No I have not. Are there any more questions?"

Servo::Oh oh, have you ever met Frodo?

Crow::Yeah, what’s Pippin like?

Mike::Is Gollum as cute in person as he is on screen?

Servo::(Via)You have issues.

No one raised there hands, as if intimidated.

Crow::By the Balrog holding the whip over their heads.

She brought a finger to her chin, trying to remember something.

Mike::(Via)Aw crap, Legolas how attached were you to your brother?


Mike::(Via)He kept following me saying how wonderful I was, so I pushed
him into the freezer about two days ago.

Suddenly, after showing an expression that looked as though she
had remembered,

Crow::In reality, she had just farted.

she bent down. She was fiddling about behind her right leg,

Servo::(Via)I know I’ve got some peanut butter saved back here somewhere.

while leaning off her left; she withdrew four rolls of a strange

Mike::(Stewardess)Would you like a hot towel? Hot towel?

"Wrap this tape around your knuckles; it will soften the effect
from punching the trees,

Crow::And make you look incredibly goofy.

as I can not have you hitting one another improperly."

Servo::(Woman)Wait, do you mean that the trees are going to start hitting

Mike::(Via)Well they need to have some fun too.

She handed the tape to us and told us quietly to begin,

Crow::First, scissors, glass, and now athletic tape. Are we sure this
isn’t a case of someone from the present falling into a black hole and
ending up in Middle Earth story?

Servo::About the only thing they had back then to act as an adhesive
was clay or dung.

after we had the tape wrapped about our knuckles tightly.

Mike::Something started to really smell, and Via hit the floor laughing

She walked around surveying everyone,

Crow::(Via)Do you like beans? Do you like George Wendt? Do you like
eating beans? Would you like to see beans in a movie? Would you like to
see George Wendt eating beans in a movie?

as each punched at trees.

Servo::Then the trees started to punch back.

I simply refused to punch a tree, however, since I was an elf,

Mike::(Mia)Just thought I’d thrown that in. I’m an elf. Still an elf.

and it would be disrespect to the trees, as they are living things.

Crow::(Mia)Can’t we just hit the men instead?

Vianene noticed I was doing nothing and came over to provoke me to begin.

Servo::(Via)Huh, big baby, won’t punch the tree baby? Well maybe you
don’t like me poking you, huh? Hey everyone Baby here doesn’t like being
poked and hitting trees.

Mike::(Mia)*punches Via* No but I have no qualms with hitting you.

"Why have you not started?" She demanded.

Crow::(Mia)Force of habit, I question any order given by you.

"I will not harm the tree." She laughed,

Servo::(Via)What are talking about, destroying sentient life forms is

and I must have shown an expression to show I was appalled since
she started to calmly explain moments later.

Mike::Once she stopped screaming from the expression on Mia’s face.

"You have the trees consensus to punch them, as you will not harm them.

Crow::(Via)All rights reserved, contract shall be null and void should
any kicking take place. Any person under 18 shall not take place in the

I wouldn't ever let you harm them, at least not without their

Servo::(Via)Only I get to hurt the trees.

She chuckled slightly, like a laugh of soft wind rustling small

Mike::Yeah well, you have that stupid thing going off at 4 am and you’re
going to find that wind chime jammed down your throat.

"Oh." I said softly, bewildered.

Crow::(Mia)Why won’t this scene end?

She could get the trees' permission?

Servo::(Mia)From the gossip, I’d heard all the trees despised her.

It was an interesting thing to question. Without knowing what
I was doing,

Mike::I headed up a new TV network that was entirely devoted to Reality

I began taking out my curiosity and indecisiveness

Crow::By ramming a rod up my nose, swirling it around, and letting my
brains gush out like a liquid.

out with punches on the nearest tree.

Servo::(Via)Oh, but lay off the saplings, they’re not insured yet.

Mike::I’ll bet the White Tree wouldn’t take this kind of crap.


Vianene's Point of View


I closed my eyes, ready to fall asleep.

Crow::(Woman)Um Via, am I doing this right? Via?

Servo::(Woman 2)She’s out, just keep hitting him.

Mike::(Legolas)Someone help.

When did I last sleep? My birthday? Most likely.

Crow::You know the tradition receive crappy gifts from your friends,
threaten some people, and then fall asleep.

It certainly sounds like something I would do,

Servo::And since it was you, that’s a good thing.

go without sleep for several days. I've always hated my habit
of choosing not to sleep for days on end.

Mike::Ah that’s no different than any college student, truck driver,
or heroine addict.

Okay, so after this, which shouldn't end until, the seventeenth
hour, I should sleep.

Crow::And then, when we’re done, with, this sentence, which will be
done, after we’re done, I’ll stop, using commas.

Or maybe just sleep now;

Servo::(Via)I should be safe since there aren’t any beds around.

one of the trees could notify me if something's going wrong.

Mike::(Tree)Um, Via. Psycho lady, they’ve all piled wood around us and
are getting ready to light it. Via!


Vianene! Stop it,

Servo::Thinking only hurts you.

these lives are at risk,

Mike::Because of you.

and all you can think about is sleep?

Crow::And mashed potatoes.

I continued to mentally scold myself.

Servo::(Via)You idiot, you moron. You’re worse than that Orc you crushed
under your shoe. You can’t even handle sleeping in a bed without falling
out! Duh-ho, there goes a moron.

I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my hand

Mike::I recommend some Allegra.

and suddenly heard a few moans come out from the girls.

Crow::(Girls)Wah, we wanna watch SpongeBob! We want our snack!

"What are you moaning about?" I called at the moaning girls.

Servo::Who wouldn’t stop moaning with their moaning voices.

They raised their taped hands towards me.

Mike::It’s kinda hard to beat up trees when our hands are taped to our

"Our hands have started bleeding.

Crow::Are the trees done punching us yet?

We've been at this for hours!" One of them wined.

Servo::(Via)I don’t care how much you wine and dine me, you’re not going
to get out of beating yourself to a bloody pulp.

The others agreed. I walked over and examined her hands.

Mike::(Via)Hey, you had the pea in your hand the whole time.

"Well first of all you're hands wouldn't be bleeding if you'd taped
this right.

Crow::And if I hadn’t given you a roll of salami instead.

You've been at this for fifteen minutes,

Servo::Yeah but it’s more boring than having to watch you and Legolas
shoot each other in the leg.

and Elli help you if you go into battle,

Mike::Yes the patron saint of warriors: Elli May Clampet.

because you won't last."

Crow::(Aragorn)What battle?

Servo::(Arwen)Figures, someone mentions war and you’re right awake
but I keep bringing up the idea to have children and you’re fast asleep.

I sighed, knowing how true, and real the situation at hand was.

Mike::The kitchen had just run out of soy and all of the Rohan vegetarians
were showing up later that night.

"And when you first learned to fight how long did you train for?"

Crow::You ended that sentence with a preposition . . . you bastard.

Servo::You watch too much Star Gate.

One girl snapped.

Mike::in half.

Crow::(Tree)Oh sorry, about that. I didn’t know people were so brittle.
A bit too much like balsa wood really.

I couldn't stand for people questioning my authority-

Servo::(Via)Look, my authority is on break right now, but he’ll be back
in ten minutes to take some of your questions.

especially when I was training them to protect themselves.

Mike::From something that was only killing other people because I was

True, it was my fault the danger was here,

Crow::But it’s not like I care.

but I suppose I should answer the question anyway?

Servo::What the hell.

I placed my hand on my hip and moved my neck in exaggeration.

Mike::What is she doing?

Crow::I don’t know but I think it’s her frightened grazing gazelle

"My first training session lasted for four days with no rest, no sleep,
and no food.

Servo::Saurman’s a tough potty trainer.

You get the easy work,

Mike::I’ll save the moat-infested crocodiles for another day.

one day, a few hours, with rest.

Crow::Yes, they’ll be more prepared than the Antarctic army.

Servo::Hey don’t knock those guys, penguins can be rough.

So be grateful,

Mike::Your death will only be moderately slow and painful.

and keep your tongue where it belongs -in your own mouth!"

Crow::So in order to talk in Middle Earth you have to take your tongue
out of your mouth?

Servo::(Woman)Yeah well, look who’s talking. You keep throwing your
body parts all willy-nilly throughout all of Gondor.

She gasped.

Mike::(Via)Legolas, what did I just say!

Crow::(Legolas)Sorry, but I get bored easily. See you later toots.

Servo::(Mimi)Yeah whatever.

I turned and walked away,

Mike::(Via)That’s it I’m off to breed my own army, and this time I won’t
go wrong like my father did. We won’t mix were-worms genes in with the

to help correct the punches of some girls who were just stabbing there
fists at the tree.

Crow::(Via)For the last time you can’t kill a tree by stabbing your
fist through it. This isn’t the temple of doom and the tree doesn’t have
a heart.

"It's not possible." I whirled around,

Servo::(Via)Ah crap, I’m stuck on this merry-go-round again. Little

as I heard a cool voice spit the phrase out at me.

Mike::(Via)How can you mock me water?

Crow::(Water)I’m sick and tired of you sleeping in me, go buy a mattress.

"I assure you, that many things are possible, contrary to what many

Servo::Like flying by just flapping you arms?

Mike::Or blinker fluid?

Crow::What about spaghetti being grown on trees, is this possible?

I stared into harsh cold black eyes that were fuelled by coals
of determination and anger.

Servo::As well as a 3.0L Duratec V6 engine with 4-speed automatic transmission.

"I also assure you that if you go into battle feeling hate, you will
not come out."

Mike::Because you’ll get confused and get lost in the forest.

I added coolly,

Crow::Did it start to snow some time between the last scene and this

Servo::It is entirely possible. I think it’s been over a year since
that poor no vowel guy was killed.

and motioned for the rest of the group to form a line again.

Mike::(Via)Look we are going to practice morning noon and night until
you can make a straight conga line. I said straight! Straight!

"Now you will practise kicking,

Crow::Which in retrospect is the only thing I should have taught you
as it brought down half of Gondor.

than we shall do blocking, dodging, countering, and than we will
put it all together.

Servo::(Via)Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to go order the recitals
costumes. How do you all feel about pink tutus and cowboy boots?

Once that is done I shall so you how to use the sword and the bow with

Mike::Then the sword with arrows and the bow with chickens.

along with your own sword, bow, arrows,

Crow::(Via)You did of course all bring your own weapons? It was clearly
written in plain common tongue on the sheets I mailed to your parents.

and weapon concealer to keep with you."

Servo::She’s going to show them how to beat someone up with one of those

I exhaled, and shifted my wait back and forth between my legs.

Mike::(Via)Gotta pee, gotta pee. Where’s the closest tree?

Crow::(Tree)Don’t you even think about it.

I decided it was best to kick with my left leg,

Servo::As the right was propped up on the picnic table.

and held my wait on my right.

Mike::(Via)Hey, how much do you think this wait is worth anyway?

I walked over to one of the men and let my left leg feel loose.

Crow::(Legolas)Hey, I think the tranquilizers are finally taking affect.

Servo::(Via)I feel all loosey-goosey. Looooosey. What a funny word.
You know you always had a stupid name. Legless, what’s up with that?!

Mike::(Beorn)Um, I believe you have me confused with someone else.

I pointed my toes inside my boot,

Crow::(Via)Damn it, why can’t elves wear pointed shoes?

and leaped onto my right foot.

Servo::(Via)Very funny, but if you girls ever stick a match into my
shoe again, I’m going to tie your tongues to a flagpole.

I extended my leg upwards, and hit the man squarely in the chin.

Mike::Mental note: if you are male and go to Gondor, always wear headgear.

His head flew backwards; he fell up against a tree.

Crow::(Tree)Look buddy, if I were you I’d just stay down.

I took another leaf out of my pocket and held it under his nose.

Servo::Then he got up and I kicked him again.

He shook his head,

Mike::(Man)Tell me again, why haven’t we all just left?

Crow::(Man 2)It’s not like we’ve got anything else to do.

Mike::(Man)Yeah I guess you’re right.

and I motioned for the girls to begin kicking the trees.

Servo::(Woman *kicking*)Why do you always have to leave . . . leaves

Crow::(Woman 2 *kicking*)Your seeds are worthless, worthless I say!

I watched, and nodded my head

Mike::This bobble headed Via can be yours if the price is right.

Servo::(Via)Hey Bob Barker, out of the story.

as most got the proper formation in the first few tries.

Crow::How hard can it be to kick things?

Mike::Well this is Via we’re talking about.

Others took more time, but they all eventually got it.

Servo::The trees must have one hell of a crappy union.

I had them continue kicking the trees while I surveyed who had
shown promise and talent.

Crow::What, is she a soccer scout now?

I noted few were a little behind, or having trouble,

Mike::(Woman 1)Well, Shelob keeps taking our shoes.

Servo::(Shelob)I can’t help it, you try kicking things without shoes
when you’ve got eight legs.

Crow::(Via)Aren’t you supposed to be killing me?

Servo::(Shelob)Oops, forget I was here.

but I also noticed a few maidens who shone beyond the rest.

Mike::(Via)I thought I told you to stop kicking that nuclear reactor.

I soon showed them several helpful blocks;

Crow::Wooden, Cement, and Lego.

counter attacks and dodges, which they also practised.

Servo::(Via)What’s the best way to get to Vianene Arena?

Mike::(Woman 1)I don’t know, the Rohan pass?

Crow::(Woman 2)Why would we want to go there? I don’t want to go to

Servo::(Via)No the answer’s practice, practice, practice you nits.

I looked up at the sun.

Mike::Nice Dissolve.

It was the twelfth hour already, and these girls were showing promise.

Crow::(Aragorn)You know what, the more I watch this the more I cannot
help but come to one conclusion.

Servo::(Legolas)What’s that?

Crow::(Aragorn)I’m moving to Helm’s Deep.

I smiled to myself.

Mike::(Via)Melash will be pleased with these many sacrifices.

I'm glad I had the extra training when I taught the women under
my father's rule.

"Okay," I cried out, summoning the girls back into line.

Servo::(Via)All right, while this was a difficult decision to make,
there can only be one Mary Magdalene.

Crow::(Mia)I don’t know how to love him . . .

Mike::(Via)Yeah, it’s not you.

"Mialesque, come here." Mialesque had shown skills, talent and
promise that were uncommon to the normal person.

Servo::Well, she is an elf right? Look it’s your ramblings.

Crow::(Via)She’d really gotten over any qualms she’d had before about
hurting the trees.

Mike::(Tree)I need a break. You know the chain saw was a bit much.

She ambled forwards, ending up two arm lengths from me.

Servo::Which was a lot better than her usual foot of space.

"Alright, now I'm going to kick at you, you use the standard chest

Crow::Why is Via teaching them to throw blocks of ice from the ice chest
at people?

I dictated.

Mike::(Via)Could you read that back to me Ms. Johnson.

She crossed her arms over her chest,

Servo::Oh so Via’s been teaching them her Russian dance.

Crow::Of course, it all makes so much sense now.

right on top of left, and put her right foot slightly behind her

Mike::(Mia)All right, I’m in a passive aggressive stance. Now what?

Crow::(Via)You stand there like that, while your enemy beats you to
a bloody pulp.

Mike::(Mia)How will this protect us?

Crow::(Via)Protect you, I thought I was just supposed to use you to
detract Shelob until I got away?

I began to kick at her, and she blocked using the part of her
arms where they were crossed to block.

Servo::Excuse me. *Leaves*

Crow::Where is he going?

Mike::Um, you’re missing the fic.

I smiled, and extended my leg slightly higher than where it had
been aimed for the previous kick.

Crow::And smashed her nose up into her brain, killing her instantly.

She brought her arms up to block again,

Mike::(Via)Oh Mia, ever heard of this thing called deodorant?

as she was supposed to, and hit me at the heel of my foot.

Crow::I can’t wait until the eagles get here and kick Via’s ass.

Mike::I hate to tell you this, but I think she’s a protagonist, so
if the eagles actually showed up she’d be saved.

Crow::God Damn it!

I used her arms as support, and flipped backwards.

Mike::Did we accidentally slip into a tape of the 1984 Olympic floor

When I hit the ground, I spun my leg around catching Mialesque's
foot, and she fell back.

Servo::*Returns* Look at what I got!

Mike::What are you going to do with a 2X4?

Servo::Simple, by placing this directly over Via’s legs and bashing
it against them repeatedly, I shall manage to both inflict pain upon her
and keep this kicking madness from continuing.

Crow::You know, I don’t see a single flaw in his plan.

Mike::Oh just give me that. That’s the last time I get you a Menards

I stood up. "Good." I said hoarsely.

Servo::(Via)Man I knew I shouldn’t have gone to that wild archery and
lance competition yesterday. I probably won’t hear my voice for another
three days.


I extended my hand to her.

Mike::(Via)And when she stuck her hand out, I kicked it.

She looked at me with hatred in her eyes.

Servo::Ah good, so Mia’s back and that mirror universe clone has been
disposed of.

I smiled wryly. She didn't take my hand so it fell back to my

Crow::And as Mia struggled to get up I did a few scissor kicks to her

I turned to the rest of the group.

Mike::(Via)Okay, now I get to kick all of you, then the men again, Mia,
Legolas, and the men once more.

"Now partner up, and practise kicks, punches, blocks, dodges and
counter attacks on each other. Now!"

Servo::(Woman 1)But you were the one who made us stop.

Crow::(Woman 2)For the love of Eru, shouldn’t this all be over by now?!

Mike::(Via)You’re in luck, you all got the extended edition of this

They scurried about finding partners and beginning.

Servo::(Woman)Are you a beginning?


Servo::(Woman)How about you?


Servo::(Woman)What about you?

Crow::(Iluvatar)Well, sort of.

I saw Mialesque pull herself up, and walk towards someone for
her partner.

Mike::(Mia)Come here Hewie, I need to beat the crap out of you.

Servo::(Hewie)Ah lay off, Via’s already dislocated my jaw twice.

Training took up a faster pace,

Crow::The coffee had finally arrived.

and whence they had finished the partner attacks,

Mike::Now is the fight of our discontent.

I noticed several scrapes, scars, bruises, and questionable marks
on people arms and faces.

Servo::(Via)Okay, who’s got the vacuum cleaner.

I smirked, and walked towards a pile of sheathed swords that were
attached to belts.

Crow::Now she’s going to start stealing people’s weapons?

Mike::Making her kick every person she meets and steal is not going
to create any pathos for the character.

Servo::Unless she got her hands cut off.

Crow::Yes that’d be nice.

Legolas, who had been leaning against the tree, with his arms
crossed and eyes closed.

Mike::Jumped about a foot when a poisonous snake slithered its way up
his pant leg.

Servo::(Legolas)Ah! Help! Someone suck out the poison! Suck out the

Crow::(Multitude of Fangirls)I’ll do it!

Servo::(Legolas)Uh, never mind, I think I’ll just live with the delirium.

When I got to the tree he opened his eyes and smiled at me.

Mike::(Legolas)The scene’s over right?

Crow::(Via)You wish.

Mike::(Legolas)Damn it, I don’t think I have a bone left that you haven’t
broken yet.

I smiled wryly back,

Servo::She’s been doing that a lot lately.

Crow::Your mother always said your face was going to freeze like that,
but would you listen.

and bent down to pick up the swords.

Mike::Taken from all the fallen warriors.

Servo::(Via)Ah, they’re not using ‘em any more.

He started to bend over to help, but I stood up with all of the
swords in hand before he could.

Crow::(Legolas)Yeah watch me care.

Mike::He must be studying under Aragorn.

Servo::(Aragorn)First you must unlearn what you have learned. Next,
be able to sleep anywhere.

I walked back to the girls, and placed them at one end of the

Crow::(Woman)Am I the only person getting the feeling that we’ve wandered
into line school?

Mike::(Via)Shut up and finish painting those yard lines, I mean, uh
practicing your fighting skills.

"These swords are of the finest material,

Servo::(Comicus)Everything’s made out of cardboard.

and their engravings are charms to ensure that the blade shall
never be broken.

Crow::This is what happens when you let nine year old girls make your
weapons. All the old weapon smiths are losing their jobs and forced to
watch as this crap gets thrown together.

Mike::Poor old Hephaistos must just be shaking his head on Olympus.

I have made each blade, sheath, belt, and every weapon I give
you today from the very earth you walk upon now.

Servo::(Mia)So you just gave us clay weapons to defeat people with iron?

Crow::(Via)Yeah and I had Aragorn help make ‘em, so you know how great
the quality is.

Servo::(Mia)Um, when’s the next wagon to Rohan?

Strap the belts around your waist, and draw your sword."

Mike::By taking out your piece of parchment and your own crayon.

I began to move my hands along my own back,

Crow::(Via)Oh yeah, I’m still going to kill you for that Aragorn.

Servo::(Aragorn)How was I supposed to know you’re allergic to our laundry

trying to remember where I had my sword.

Mike::Which one?

Crow::(Via)I mean I knew where I had stuck the short sword, the broad
sword, and the other short sword with the blood on the hilt, but I really
wanted the one with the dragon design on the blade.

I found it, the handle an inch below my froth-barrier.

Servo::At the Starbucks around the corner.

I withdrew it quickly.

Mike::Whacking myself in the back of the head.

Then, I began rotating it around my wrist and palm,

Crow::. . .

Servo::She turned her sword into a bracelet?

letting the smooth leather grip float about my fingertips.

Mike::That’s what happens when you forge a sword out of helium.

I began instructing on the basic uses of the sword,

Crow::(Via)One, don’t drop it on your toes. Two, don’t toss it up into
the air and catch the blade.

and the general attacks, and defences that could be created with
it. The girls paired up again, and practised what I had taught them.

Servo::And before too long the Gondor army had beat itself to smithereens.

Mike::(Aragorn)These spring games get more brutal each year.

The rest of the training went continually, with breaks to restore their

Crow::(Mia)Hey, Sara just broke her femur.

Servo::(Women)All right!

They'll be able to hold their own against her.

Mike::Come on, two hobbits beat Shelob. How hard can it be.

I told myself this over and over.

Crow::Just because you keep saying it doesn’t make it true.

Servo::Unless you’re Legolas, of course.

Can it all be helped? I'll be leaving soon, that orc attack is
due tomorrow anyway.

Mike::Ah yes the infamous Orc attack that our protagonist does not feel
like sharing with the King.

Crow::(Via)I wanna blow this popsicle stand before Gondor gets attacked.

I finished demonstrating some helpful tips against a shorter girl who
had shown promise.

Servo::(Via)See, she’s smaller than all of us, so use your longer reach
to slash at her while you still stay out of harms way.

My sword ended up slicing a part of her cheek and drawing blood,
though her condition wasn't severe.

Mike::Until the gangrene started to set in.

She looked up at me, fury consuming her eyes.

Crow::My name is Indigo Montoyo. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Servo::(Via)Ah it’s not that bad, shut up.

" catastrophic shrew!"

Mike::Is she talking about Death Rat?

She cried at me.

Crow::I didn’t know that shrews routinely slashed people in the face
with swords.

Servo::Is there a difference between a normal shrew and a catastrophic

I smiled. I lifted my finger under her chin and tilted her head

Mike::Ah! No, no no! No kissing!

Crow::In fact, from no one! Got that?!

Servo::Oh how I wish that were true.

"Now you're getting the right idea."

Mike::Yes, we are going to defend ourselves by insulting the enemy.

Crow::(Legolas)You know what Aragorn, I think I’ll come with you. Just
leave Faramir in charge.

I smiled and walked away, off to find sleep.

Servo::(Mia)Everyone, I think she’s gone.

Mike::(Man *Getting of ground*)Oh thank God, I couldn’t take one more
second of having to pretend I was dead.

Crow::(Man 2)At least you didn’t have every bone in your face broken.
Poor Joe’s going to have his jaw wired shut for at least three months.

Servo::(Aragorn)Okay, new plan of attack. When that serial killer comes,
we all act like we’re going to fight her, then at the last moment we throw
Via off the gate at her and run.



Vianene's Point of View


As I drifted away to the lands of sleep, the calm lands of rest,

Mike::Sleep the final frontier. These are the voyages of the good bed

I began to ponder the future.

Crow::(Via)I wonder if it’d be cheaper for me to just buy the tombstones
before the attack that I won’t warn anyone about. I might save on money
if I buy before demand rises.

I had spoken to the Lady of such thoughts,

Servo::And unless she was paid by the hour, I seriously doubt she was
paying any attention.

but she only told me that the future would be as it will be,

Mike::Well it would have, except you had to come in and screw up all
of the canon. Now it looks like the ring won’t be destroyed and all of
Middle Earth will be covered in darkness. Thanks a lot.

and my path has been chosen.

Crow::Yes, she’s ignoring the yellow brick road and instead following
a gray cement road, which leads to a mad scientist who wants to transform
her into a mosquito.

I shuffled my shoulders around,

Servo::Would you just deal all ready.

and settled peacefully on the floor.

Mike::(Via)ZZZZ! Hey watch it.

Crow::(Herald)Sorry, but you do realize if you wouldn’t just drop right
onto the floor in the middle of the hall less people would walk on you.


I opened my eyes to see my father's lands stretched before me.

Servo::When did we switch to the Attack of the Forty-Foot Woman?

They reached far, as the memories of looking upon these sights
came flooding into my head.

Mike::So there was a lot of land and I looked at it. The End.

Crow::Yeah in your dreams.

Servo::Oh, that was so bad.

I breathed the scents I used to, and marvelled in the sounds I

Mike::The smell of blood from the arena and the blood curdling screams
from the dungeon.

"Mabrotnosh ob Gith?" I heard my name called.

Crow::(Via)I don’t know what you did with the preparation H, go ask

I spun around, feeling my traditional green robes twist about

Servo::You’re not Morticia Adams, you can let the dress out a little.

The nickname was of old, it had aggravated me,

Mike::(Via)For the last time my name is not Vile: destroyer of all.

for it portrayed me as perfect, but I was not perfect.

Crow::(Via)Remember I have no ego. None whatsoever.

Servo::No personality either, aside from the fits of course.

"Yes?" I called, turning to see Niaromeith, my personal maid.

Mike::(Niaromeith)I theem to haf sumthin suck on my thung.

I had never seen use for a maid,

Crow::What’s she gonna do, make the floor?

Servo::Via’s in love with her armoire so she doesn’t need to worry
about dusting that.

so her only task now was to know where I was at all times.

Mike::Niaromeith, the first GPS.

She was a good friend, and she had been my friend for longer than
I could remember.

Crow::But then again my memory had just resetted a few weeks ago, so
I wasn’t sure if I could trust her.

"You have the attendance with your people shortly."

Servo::They need you to take roll call.

She nodded her head to the left, in recognition of my status in
the lands.

Mike::(Nia)Ah man, I must have slept funny last night. My neck’s been
killing me all day.

"Thank you Niaromeith, would you hand me a brush please?"

Crow::(Nia)Are your legs broken? Get your own damn brush.

I smiled at her. Her long brown hair swished about her,

Servo::(Nia)I was wondering if I could possibly go and get a haircut.


Servo::(Nia)Please, my head is so heavy I can barely hold it up.

Mike::(Via)I said no.

and her green eyes sparkled in delight.

Crow::(Nia)Duh, I get to speak in Klingon and get people toiletries.
Life is great.

She turned and walked to my dresser slowly,

Servo::(Nia)Stupid lazy elf, can’t even get her own brush. Oh look at
me I’m so perfect I can live forever and beat people up but I can’t get
my brush on my own. Oh I’ll get you your brush, and you’ll live to regret

and handed me the brush promptly.

Mike::(Nia)I’ve done my one job of the day, I’m off to raid the fridge.

I ran the brush about my mahogany locks and ran my fingers through
them, feeling the roughness of each strand.

Crow::Who in their right mind dreams about brushing their hair?

Servo::Um, boring people.

I found each white strand to be lighter than the mahogany locks,
which disturbed me greatly.

Mike::Damn it, why does white, a substance lacking pigment by definition,
have to be lighter than mahogany, something almost as dark as black. It’s
just not fair.

I stood abruptly and walked to my door,

Crow::I think this dream has less plot than the story.

Servo::I didn’t know it was possible to have negative plot.

letting my green velvet robe trailbehind me.

Mike::So everyone wanders naked around Orthanc.

Crow::Man, I would not want to run into an Orc or Saurman for that

I walked along the halls, letting my hands trail along the familiar
marble walls,

Servo::You know if this was my dream, a giant dinosaur would have broken
in and disarmed the bomb by now.

letting the blacks, greys, and browns sink into me.

Mike::So she’s sucking the color out of the walls.

Crow::Yeah well she does suck I do have to give her that.

I felt, almost a feeling of belonging,

Servo::I am one with the pillars.

but yet a feeling of hatred of whom ruled these halls.

Mike::(Via)Man do I hate the First United Church of Isengard and their
stupid banquet halls.

As I reached the exit, I saw the light of the outdoors,

Crow::But it turned out to just be Saurman’s huge spotlight. He was
having another one of his crazy army sales. Orc’s were half off.

and the cries of the crowd reach me.

Servo::And start to punch me in the face.

There sounds of happiness and joy filled my ears,

Mike::(Crowd)Yeah kill him, kill him!

Crow::(Crowd)Rip him apart!

Servo::(Via)What are they doing?

Mike::(Nia)Oh, Saurman finally got a satellite dish. I think all the
Orcs are watching Martha Stewart Living now.

Crow::(Crowd)Yeah, toss that salad!

the golden rays of light consumed my eyes,

Servo::That’s what happens when you stare at the sun for ten years straight.

and I walked outside to greet the people.

Mike::(Via)Hello my people.

Crow::(Crowd)Shh. TV.

Mike::(Via)But I’ve come back with a message to save us all.

Crow::(Crowd)Uh-huh, save it for the commercial.

Cheers rose from the crowd as I walked among them.

Servo::Well okay so only Al, that blind Orc cheered, but I know the
long silence and sidelong glances meant they were happy to have me back.

I smiled to everyone, happy to see their faces.

Mike::And even happier that they were actually wearing clothes.

This was my place, amongst my people.

Crow::Trust us on this, there isn’t a single person out there who could
be considered a part of your people.

Each of them smiled to me.

Servo::I think we just crossed from dream into delusional fantasy.

I returned each gesture,

Mike::(Via)So I lift my hand over my head, wiggle my fingers, raise
my foot, and stick out my tongue?

stopping to speak to those I knew personally,

Crow::There’s Johnny, the little guy, the other fat one. Uh, the one
with bad breath.

but the conversations I took part in seemed lost to me.

Servo::(Via)Just like when I’m awake.

I suddenly came to the end of the crowd, where a lone figure stood.

Mike::Hi-ho Silver, away!

He turned around and smiled at me.

Crow::I think she’s forgotten the meaning of "white" and "smile" in
this dream.

Servo::In reality they were all punching her.

It was Legolas.

I was bewildered and why he was there,

Mike::(Via)I’m bewildered.

Crow::(Legolas)I’m here.

Servo::Yeah that didn’t help.

but my body did not care for my thoughts at the moment.

Mike::So I stopped synthesizing proteins, fighting off disease, and
digesting food.

I found myself running towards him,

Crow::All of my swords in my hands.

to be swooped up into his arms and kissed passionately.

Servo::This is turning into a nightmare!

His large strong arms had enclosed around my waist,

Mike::As he started to scale the Empire State Building.

and my own were thrown about his neck, pulling him to me.

Crow::You know, the poor guy can only take so many head butts before
he won’t get back up.

I heard several gasps from the crowd as I stood back,

Servo::(Orc)That was so disgusting.

Mike::(Orc 2)Get a room.

and found a blade in my hand.

Crow::(Via)I was wondering where that’d gotten to.

My body once again went without reference to my thoughts, and
raised the sword above my head and brought it down on Legolas.

Servo::(Legolas)Ow, what’d you do that for?

Mike::(Via)I don’t know.

Servo::(Legolas)I don’t routinely walk up to you and hit you in the
head with a knife, do I?


Just in the moment when it struck him,

Crow::A chorus line came by again still singing "New York New York."

Servo::(Via)Don’t you guys have a different song.

I saw not the Prince of Mirkwood standing there, but myself.

Mike::I think Freud just started to salivate.

The blade cut through my own flesh and I felt the pains carry through
my body.

Crow::Yeah that time of the month does kind of suck. Try some Midol.

*~*~*~*~*~*END DREAM*~*~*~*~*~*

I arose with a start, and sweat dampening my brow.

Servo::(Via)Stupid Aragorn, it’s almost June and he still hasn’t shut
off the heater.

Mike::Well he is over eighty years old.

I raised my hand to my forehead to dry my temple

Crow::Then my mosque and finally my church.

as I breathed heavily and reasoned with myself.

Servo::(Via)You have got to stop kicking people for no reason. You’re
never going to make any friends that way.

It was just a dream, not real.

Mike::Even if it had more drama and made more sense than the past 100

In the past, I had learned that my dreams were somewhat symbolic.

Crow::Uh-huh. Is your name Frodo? Yeah I didn’t think so.

So I started from the kiss, and tried to reason with myself.

Servo::(Via)Why am I starting with the kiss? What about when I tried
to suck all the colors up like a sponge. I mean that was weird, why don’t
I start there?

The kiss, could that represent passion?


Maybe love

Crow::sickness, perhaps.

or desire?

Servo::Nah, it’s got to be symbolic of that sixth piece of pizza you
had last night.

I do not know, although I believe it would be that.

Mike::But once again her body ignored her brain and she walked out of
her window and fell to her death. The end.

Legolas, he has never been in one of my dreams before.

Crow::(Legolas)Thank All the Valar. No really, you’ll all be getting
Thank You notes.

Normally people represent themselves,

Servo::Except for when they don’t.

but why would I run to him, and for that matter, kiss him?

Mike::Why, why oh why, would we care?!

Crow::For God’s sake, I don’t even care about my dreams. Why should
I care about yours?!

Blades normally mean danger, or harm.

Servo::Or sharp pointy things.

Mike::Now that sounds like a Freudian slip.

Crow::Shut up.

Would I hurt myself through Legolas?

Servo::Would I use his fist to beat my head in?

Would he hurt me? Would I hurt him?

Mike::Look you just spent the past hour kicking him, I’m pretty sure
you’ve hurt him.

I sat there pondering my compelling thoughts for moments long.

Crow::Coke or Pepsi?

One thing remained clear to me.

Servo::You can’t stick your elbow in your ear.

The time was now, and it was time for my dreams to come true.

Mike::I would run around naked and stab myself with a hairbrush.

The game would end, the blade would fall.

Crow::What blade, what are you talking about?

Servo::I think now the author’s trying to make it poetic.

Mike::Dear Lord, help us all.


Legolas' Point of View


I walked amongst the cold halls of the White Tower of Minas Tirith.

Crow::After dropping by Cirith Ungol to have a little talk with someone.
He he he.

They seemed almost passive now,

Servo::Oh great, now Via’s whipping the walls into shape.

compared to the very greens of nature. The hour was the ninth,

Mike::Thanks to daylight saving time.

and the morning's chills flew about the empty halls.

Crow::(Aragorn)We’ve put out some traps, but so far those chills have
managed to evade us. Maybe it’s the bait we use.

I made fast pace towards the council which Aragorn had called.

Servo::The Not so Great Ring had been found.

Mike::(Faramir)I had a dream. . .

Crow::(Aragorn)Look I called this council to deal with a piece of jewelry,
not listen to your night activities.

Servo::(Legolas)I’m sorry, but I lost Gollum.

Crow::(Aragorn)Of course you lost him. He’s been dead for almost ten

Mike::(Gandalf)Have I told you all the Ragadast in the wood story,

Crow::(Aragorn)Man was this a waste of time. I’ll just have Gimli destroy
the thing with his axe. Meeting adjoined.

When I reached the rooms for which they were to be held,

Servo::(Legolas)I realized that I had forgot my calculator and number
two pencils.

Mike::Talk about someone’s worst nightmare, going to your ACT’s with
just your underwear and nothing else.

I saw several chairs seated about a long auburn-toned table.

Crow::(Aragorn)Sorry, but we’ve run out of chairs.

Servo::(Blackbeard)This chair be high, says I.

The chairs were of a vast red,

Mike::(Aragorn)Um actually they’re brown Legolas.

Crow::(Legolas)Help, my retinas have detached!

and lined with a soft fabric often used for high nobility.

Servo::Except Aragorn blew all the money on his Olympic sized pool,
so it was really just burlap spray painted red.

I sat down at Aragorn's left,

Mike::(Mad Hatter)Change position!

and looked about the room to survey who had been called to this

Crow::(Legolas)Oddly it was all of the elves currently staying at Ecthelion.
In fact, Aragorn was leaving the room and locking the door behind him.

Servo::(Aragorn)All of you moochers don’t want to sail off to the Grey
Havens, fine. Let’s see how you do with no oxygen!


Servo::(Aragorn)Shut up!

Gimli was seated at my left, and I saw the guard that had been
attacked before on Aragorn's right.

Crow::Oh boy, Aragorn’s gathering up the dead and playing tea party
with them.

Mike::He’s finally chosen to join all the others in their lunacy.

My brother Hewtrive was seated near the back of the table,

Servo::(Legolas)Ha ha, loser!

on the left side, and I noticed one head that especially surprised
me, amongst the ones I did not recognize.

Crow::It was the head of Peter Gabriel and music was beginning to ebb
from no where.

Vianene was there, staring at her fingernails.

Mike::Which were currently stuck into the arm of the poor man sitting
to her left.

A woman had been called to a council? I would say she is far beyond

Servo::Yeah she’s extremely ordinary.

but never before had a woman attended a council to my knowledge.

Crow::He acts like they have councils once a day.

Mike::(Aragorn)Okay, I’ve called this council today so Gimli and Faramir
can finish their staring contest, and Glorfindel can count the number of
grains of wood in the table.

I gave Aragorn a quizzical look but it was not returned,

Servo::Arwen had gotten a hold of his eyes again.

for Aragorn was busy looking over a map

Crow::He was stuck in his Bilbo persona. The knee breeches and curly
wig did look good on him though.

for which I did not take note of,

Mike::Yeah well, Legolas isn’t exactly a Sherlock Holmes.

Servo::(Legolas)Oh my God, I’m in a room with other people!

Crow::(Aragorn)Legolas, what are you doing here? You weren’t invited?

Servo::(Legolas)Hey, I just noticed this but aren’t you King or something.

but I thought it strange that he should ask her to attend.

Mike::I’m still sticking with the killing spree plan here.

He started the council by addressing the problems at hand,

Crow::(Aragorn)And someone’s been sneaking down to the pantry to make
sandwiches at night and keeps leaving the mayonnaise out.

but my mind seemed elsewhere.


Mike::(Legolas)What, I wasn’t daydreaming!

Servo::(Aragorn)Then if you were paying such rapt attention what is
the answer to my question?

Mike::(Legolas)Um, um, the cotton gin?

Servo::(Aragorn)There are currently cotton gin Orc’s left in Middle

My thoughts drifted from thought to thought, never caring about
the space in between.

Crow::There’s a light on but no one’s home.

Aragorn's voice was lost to me.

Mike::Much like any personality or thought he had started the day with.

Servo::Just what we need, Lord of the Rings: The high school years.

Later, a sharp voice, shrill but filled with deception wreaked
havoc upon my mind,

Crow::(Legolas)Aragorn, shut off the Marriah Carey CD!

ripping me from my thoughts.

Mike::Oh please, like he had a thought.

"Forgive me for interrupting your majesty,

Servo::the most splendorous and extraordinary awe-inspiring sovereign.

Crow::It’s good to know that WormTongue got himself a new job after
the unpleasantness with Saurman.

but I must question, what place has this woman at a meeting of

Mike::(Aragorn)To the left of the bald guy who’s at the left of skinny
Joe, at the left of Gimli.

Servo::(Legolas)I just noticed that there’s a girl here.

Crow::(Gimli)No shit, Sherlock.

I turned to look at a man with a sneer plastered across his face
and his hands folded, elbows propped up on the arms of the chair.

Mike::Mr. Burns in the worst cameo ever.

"You think a woman has no place amongst you?

Servo::What is this, The Man Show audience?

You should be careful of your tongue,

Crow::You never know when it’s going to fly off like everyone else’s
lone body parts.

you know not to whom you speak,

Mike::Which is fine since we don’t know who’s speaking now.

it will cause you troubles one day soon."

Servo::I’ll dump ex-lax into your coffee.

Vianene replied, her eyes set in a glare towards the man.

Crow::Who was to the left of Legolas on the left of . . .

Mike::Okay, they get the point.

"The only woman who would hold any form of a title to be respected is
her Majesty Queen Arwen,

Servo::And Galadriel, Elrond’s wife Celebrîan, Melian the Maia.
Actually why don’t you come back to me.

and you, obviously, are not her.

Crow::(Faramir)Why are you poking me? Oh, also don’t forget lady Eowyn.
Ha ha, oh. Man am I in trouble tonight.

Even her majesty does not come to council."

Mike::She’s busy. It’s hard planing a coup to overthrow your husband.

He snorted at her, wiggling his nose about his face, looking most

Servo::(Aragorn)Okay, who invited the pig to our bi-weekly meeting about
the state of transportation in Gondor.

I thought this man should know his place, for he was not of low status,

Crow::(Legolas)Hey, you’re not of low status.

Mike::(Pig Man)Um, thanks I guess.

Crow::(Legolas)No problem.

I could tell from the way he was dressed and his expression of

Servo::So all of the nobility had pig noses?


I was still outraged at what he thought of women, as if they were
possessions, and not people.

Crow::(Legolas)Not that I would do anything about it. I mean that takes
energy and thought.

I would no longer look his way,

Servo::(Legolas)Now he was starting to look more like a cockroach and
it was disturbing.

Mike::Leave Kafka out of this.

though I wished I could shut out his voice, I was forced to listen
to it.

Crow::I don’t think Legolas is a teenager anymore. His selective hearing
abilities seem to have vanished.

"And you are obviously not someone of importance,

Servo::You don’t even get a name aside from Pig man.

or intelligence for that matter."

Crow::(Aragorn)Aren’t you going to refute that Legolas?

Mike::(Legolas)Pee-ka-boo, I can’t see you.

Crow::(Aragorn)Never mind. Enter it into the minutes that Legolas is
brain dead.

Her reply was quick and witty,

Servo::Legolas would think that was witty.

Mike::He’s got a copy of Dumb and Dumber stashed at every place he

and several gasps came about the room from it.

Crow::(Aragorn)That reminds me, we set out toothpaste and mouthwash
for you people. Maybe you should use it!

"How dare you!

Servo::Stop pointing out Legolas’ faults, that will take all day and
we have more important things to do.

To say such a thing, you will apologize to me this moment!"

Mike::(Via)Fine, I’m sorry you don’t have a name.

"I most certainly will not!" I looked at her face.

Crow::(Aragorn)People, people, let’s try and stay on schedule!

Servo::(Gimli)Wait, why are we here again?

Crow::(Aragorn)I don’t know, who called this council?

She was grinning like a mad animal.

Mike::Look out, she’s got rabies.

"You are nothing but a woman!" He was shouting now.

Servo::And this table is nothing but a table! And here, you see this
pipe, sometimes this pipe is just a pipe!

Crow::(Aragorn)Thank you Freud, now can we get on with this meeting?

I saw her face change to a state of disbelief.

Mike::Legolas, didn’t your mother ever teach you that it’s not polite
to stare.

Servo::His brain is stuck in idle again.

Her mouth dropped open, but the corner of her lips still perked

Crow::She must look like the Joker.

"I can tell you are not married,

Mike::(Aragorn)You still have your eyes.

for if you were than you would never say such a thing.

Servo::Anyone else getting the feeling that Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth
Blackwell and Carrie Nation are going to come running in.

Crow::I hope so. Carrie can chop the table to bits, while Blackwell
restarts Legolas’ brain.

But if it be based on rank, milord, than you should be informed
to know that if we were in a place of which I hail from,


you would not be deemed worthy enough to look upon me by my people."

Servo::Only the most steeled warriors with stomachs of iron can look
at me.

Her tone was true,

Crow::At the true tone please leave a message.

and I looked at her with disbelief.

Mike::(Legolas)Why don’t I get any lines?

Servo::(Via)You keep blanking out. There’s no promise you’ll be able
to get any out.

Mike::(Legolas) But I want to say . . .

Was it true?

Crow::Could I get my teeth ten shades whiter in two weeks?

Was she that high of status,

Servo::Did she have medusa level clearance.

and I did not know of her?

Mike::You don’t get out much when you live in your father’s basement.

Her chin was high, and she sat up straight in pride.

Crow::(Aragorn)Um Via, the picture’s not gonna be taken until Friday.
I thought you got the memo about that.

Suddenly a familiar cry came out.

Servo::(Pig Man)What, what’d I do?

Mike::(Legolas)Oh great, she’s suffocated herself again. Aragorn?

Crow::(Aragorn)Oh hell no. I’m not going to that Disco place. Why don’t
you take Arwen instead.

It was a horn, blowing to commence battle.

Servo::(Aragorn)Eldarion, stop playing the horn of Gondor. This is the
third time I had to glue the thing together. Stupid kid.

It sounded as though it was near the front gate.

Mike::(Guard)Help us sir, the Halfling Army is invading.

Crow::(Aragorn)Everyone to their stations, we are coming up against
Thain Peregrin.

Servo::(Legolas)Why are they attacking?

Crow::(Aragorn)He’s always been mad at me for replacing his old friend
Beregond with no vowel dead guy over there.

I glanced over to Vianene.

Mike::(Legolas)Because I can’t make a decision on my own.

Servo::Maybe spiders laid eggs in his brain last night.

Crow::The way he’s acting, Ungoliant did it.

She was already standing, and walking towards the door. She exited
soon, her hands in her pockets.

Mike::(Via)Man I don’t want to go to the principal’s office. So I stole
a ring from the short old guy, big deal.

There were sounds of shuffling about the room, as everyone made to stand

Servo::(Aragorn)Are you coming Legolas?

Crow::(Legolas)Who are you again?

Servo::(Aragorn)Never mind.

Everyone exited the room and made to follow Vianene. I pondered my curious
thoughts over what I had heard.

Mike::(Legolas)Because I really couldn’t give a damn about the battle
going on right outside the White Tower.

Crow::(Legolas)Ah that’s Aragorn’s problem not mine. I’m not getting
myself killed because of him.

Did I really know so little about Vianene?

Servo::(Legolas)Am I really this slow witted and uncaring towards my
friends? Yep.

I thought I had enough knowledge to base a friendship on,

Mike::But my friends seem to keep dying, so I’m starting to wonder what
the point is.

but now it seems as though I know nothing about her,

Crow::I wish I had his resolve and ability to forget her completely.

Servo::Please tell us how you do it.

yet I am attracted to her.

Mike::Because of the way she heartlessly kicks everyone in the chin.

It is questionable that she hides and lies,

Crow::The only thing questionable about her is why we should care.

Servo::And also why you haven’t had her killed yet?

but I doubt it, after all, very few people lie these days,

Mike::(Via)I can tell you are not married.

after the most troubled times are behind us.

Crow::(Legolas)Well, let’s go Gimli, the Grey Havens await us.

Servo::(Gimli)What about all our friends and stuff?

Crow::(Legolas)Do you want to have to look at Via for one more second?

Servo::(Gimli)Well, no.

Crow::(Legolas)Then let’s go.

"My friend, what troubles you?" Gloin's son asked me.

Mike::Or it might have been Gloin’s daughter. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

I looked to him with a quizzical look upon my face.

Servo::I think that’s his face’s default expression.

"Why would something trouble me?"

Crow::(Legolas)I’m just sittin’ on the dock of the bay, watchin’ the
ti-ide roll away.

I asked, puzzled by his comment.

Mike::But the fact that you both seem to have lost the ability to move
your legs doesn’t bother you in the least?

"Legolas, you should know by now you are terrible at hiding things,

Servo::(Gimli)Don’t you remember last Easter when you were put in charge
of hiding all the eggs. Where do we find them, all in the egg carton in
the refrigerator.

and lying for that matter."

Crow::(Legolas)I can’t help it, I’ve been diagnosed with Pinocchio syndrome.

I sighed, after all he was right. We spent the next few moments
walking outside in silence.

Mike::As a bloody battle raged on next to them.

Servo::(Legolas)I just don’t know my purpose any more. Loose arrow,
duck! I mean, the ring is done. What more can I do?

Crow::(Gimli)I see your point. Hang on a moment. *Stabs two fighters
in the back with his ax* I also am beginning to wonder what I shall do
with my remaining years.

"I cannot say for sure Master Dwarf,

Mike::(Legolas)But I believe you are combining two episodes.

Servo::(Gimli)So Picard was never brought back in time by Q to find
his head buried under centuries of dirt?

but when I do know, I shall be sure to tell you." I smiled a weak

Crow::Poor boy, being in this story is really getting to him.

and his pestering stopped.

Mike::(Gimli)Hey hey Legolas, watch this. See, see look at me. Watch!
You’re not watching! I can tell you’re not looking.

When we reached the gate, I saw Vianene standing before a host of orcs.

Servo::(Via)And then I shall rule Middle Earth! Ha ha ha ha!

Crow::(Legolas)Hi, what are you up to? Anything important?

Servo::(Via)Just world domination.

Crow::(Legolas)That’s nice. I need to go share a cup of coffee with
Gimli, bye.

I took note that there were very few, only about one hundred or

Mike::Of course Legolas counts 7,8,9,100 so there were actually about

Servo::(Orc)Hi, we’re lost. Could you tell us where the Oompa-Loompa
try-outs are being held?

She looked back and saw that several of the men were unsheathing
swords, or some form of weapon.

Crow::Of course Legolas was packing his AK-47, so he was fine.

Her eyes grew wide, and she raised her hand, and flicked her wrist.

Mike::Run, she’s about to break out into another dance routine!


Crow::(Via)Works every time.

A wall of intertwined vines shot out of the ground before us.

Mike::(Orc)We’ll do this battle the old army way, first one to die loses.

The formed bars to hold us back from the orcs,

Mike::And worked for about two seconds before the Orcs started to cut
the vines with their daggers and swords.

and puzzled expressions shot about every face.

Servo::(Legolas)Fall Back! Fall Back!

Crow::(Aragorn)What is going on Legolas?

Servo::(Legolas)They’re shooting faces at us!

Crow::(Aragorn)Those monsters.

She stood there, tall and proud and her face looked about the orcs that
tramped their feet

Mike::I’m sure Orc feet are nice and all, but selling them on street
corners seems a bit much.

Servo::*Singing*Roxane’s Feet, you don’t have to put on that red light.

over the ground and growled, eager for battle, and to most likely,
be slain.

Crow::Yeah there was a bug in their programming so all the Orcs would
try and destroy themselves the first chance they get. That’s why Saurman
had to breed so many of them, they had to survive the trip.

She began speaking to them, in a tongue I couldn't understand,

Mike::So it’s either elvish, orc, or common language.

which must've been the black speech.

Mike::Or Spanish.

"Anor, il Este manuv

Servo::Aft nazg durbatuluk, aft nazg gimbatul, aft nazg thrakatuluk
agh burzum-ishi bartamptul.

Crow::Okay, what was that.

Servo::One fic to rule them all, one fic to bind them, one fic to bring
them all and in the darkness bore them.

ani etste Isenguard nor tieve anu ob Saruman."

Mike::She either just said that Saurman’s laundry needs to be picked
up from Isengard, or a pickle just bit her on the tongue.

She cried out, her voice strong, the worlds rolling off her tongue,

Crow::That’s what happens when you chew on Gustolv Holst’s masterpiece.

as if 'twere her own language.

Servo::If it ‘twere you ‘twould be ‘tweriffic!

I turned my gaze to the orcs, who, to my surprise, had stopped
their stamping.

Mike::(Orc)Um, we’re out of grapes.

Crow::(Orc 2)Maybe we could stamp some raisins for now?

Many had their heads bowed,

Servo::(Via)Oh it’s all right that you can’t kill me. I mean it’s really
hard sometimes. You can’t let it get you down.

and the leader was in a full bow.

Mike::What, did the Pope drop by?

He then ushered a word of command

Crow::(Orc)All right, according to your ticket it looks like you are
in paragraph A on page 13, just take the door to the right. Only don’t
take the stairs to the balcony.

and they turned their heads and marched away, their cries gone.

Servo::(Orc Leader)Okay, so Jan doesn’t live here? Sorry, for the inconvenience.

Mike::Some attack. Ever since Saruon was destroyed the Orc’s just haven’t
had murder and mayhem in their hearts. Sad really.

Vianene turned around to face us,


Servo::(Men) . . .

Crow::(Via)All right, I invited them. But I didn’t think they’d cause
such a problem.

and with another wave of her hand the wall of vines returned to
the ground,

Mike::(Vine 1)Man this job sucks.

Servo::(Vine 2)Yeah remember back when we worked for the Necromancer?

Mike::(Vine 1)That was a sweet deal.

and she began cutting through the crowd of the men from council.

Crow::(Legolas)Via, um Via put the chainsaw down. Please.

Servo::(Via)Do you know what my favorite movie is?

Crow::(Legolas)Um no.

Servo::(Via)Friday the 13th.

One man grabbed her arm and violently swung her around.

Mike::Now swing your partner and parade to the corner. Do-si-do and
once more. Take yer pretty lady, swing ‘er with no fear, toss ‘er out the
window and go get yer self a beer.

"How did you do that?

Crow::(Via)It’s called soap.

What did you say to them?"

Servo::(Via)Jeez, you say one thing in the black tongue of Mordor and
everyone starts jumping down your throat.

He stared at her with harsh cold eyes, his grip on her arm firm.

Crow::(Legolas)And break. All right, get back into position and we’ll
try this again. No kicking him in the face this time Via.

"It's quite simple.

Mike::(Via)I’m evil.

Orcs are taught to obey almost all who speak their tongue,

Servo::It was really a bad idea as Orc’s not only were elves at one
time but also speak a version of elvish all the movers and shakers remember.

Crow::Okay, then why didn’t Gandalf just yell at all of the Orc’s to
go home at Cormallen?

Mike::Plot holes make baby Manwe cry.

as few of our side do.

Servo::(Legolas)Hey, you try conjugating verbs on a nice spring day.
Some days I have enough trouble speaking in my own language, whatever that

I simply told them to return to Saruman in Isenguard."

Crow::(Via)Which was the perfect plan as he is now dead and Isengard
is in our possession.

She paused, to take a breath.

Mike::And she died.

Servo::(Legolas)I told her she couldn’t handle breathing anymore.

"It is high time that you learned that orc slaughter is not the
only way to win a battle.

Crow::Especially if you’re battling against goblins.

Now release me."

Mike::(Japanese Coi)If you release we I shall grant you three wishes.

Servo::(Fisherman)Sorry, but right now all I wish for is a nice lemon
wedge and some tartar sauce.

Her eyes widened, in an intimidating manner.

Crow::(Man)Why are you imitating an owl?

The man took his hand from her arm.

Mike::(Man)Stupid arm stay attached to my torso. Sorry, but I swear
this thing has a mind of its own.

"Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I need be elsewhere."

Servo::Yeah, she’s leaving!

Crow::Knowing our luck we’ll be forced to follow her.


She walked away, towards the White Tower,

Servo::as Aragorn took out Anduril and stabbed her in the back.

Crow::(Aragorn)The enemy has been defeated!


as many pairs of astonished eyes followed her. I smiled.

Servo::(Legolas)I like pie.


I was walking through the forest

Crow::late one night, when my eyes beheld an eerie sight. For my wizard
from the slab began to rise, and suddenly, to my surprise. . .

Mike::She did the sue, she did the Mary sue mash!

Crow::It caught on in a flash, it was a scary smash.

when I stopped to admire a tree.

Servo::(Legolas)Who’s a good tree, you’re a good tree. Oh do you like
being scratched behind the trunk. Ah look at his hind limbs twitch.

It was a beautiful oak tree, in full bloom, leaves scattered about.

Mike::This tree needs Rogaine.

Crow::(Tree)Every morning I wake up there’s another wad of leaves in
my comb.

I saw a flash of green move about, swaying to and fro,

Servo::Kermit had just come back from the bar.

Mike::(Kermit)You know what *hic* I lied, *hic* time really isn’t fun
when you’re having flies.

and I peered about the tree to see what, or who it was.

Crow::Ah, it’s always sad when you try and play hide-and-seek but no
one will find you.

I saw a smile flash my way

Servo::(Legolas)Hey Aragorn, I think I found it.


Servo::(Legolas)Yeah, now we just need to track down your eyes.

and I remember she walked up to me quickly and pinned me against
a tree.

Mike::(Legolas)Of course that was after Gandalf came by and said that
he was off on some boat trip and he was taking all the Elves he could find.
I really would have liked to go, but I was still glued to the tree when
he left.

In a moment her lips pressed against mine,

Crow::(Legolas)Wait, I don’t remember that.

enflaming passion in me.

Servo::(Legolas)God do I love that soap opera.

I felt her lips leave me,

Mike::(Legolas)She was the friendliest nun I had ever met.

and I opened my eyes to see where she was.

Crow::He’s slipped back into Pee-ka-boo mode.

Vianene was staring at me, holding my eyes captive.

Servo::(Legolas)Actually now that I think about it, I remember Arwen
was there holding my eyes.

Excitement flared in her eyes and in a swift motion,

Mike::(Legolas)She kicked me full in the chin and started to wail on
that nice oak tree.

I snaked my arm around her waist, and flipped her so she was against
the tree.

Crow::(Via)Look the blood’s rushing to my head, put me down.

Servo::(Legolas)Not until you give me all your lunch money.

I started to trail little kisses

Mike::What kind of tracks do kisses leave?

Crow::At least he wasn’t trailing after large kisses, those things
can take down a grizzly bear if threatened.

along her collarbone and her head rose, enjoying the zeal enflamed
flanked by us.

Servo::Yeah well you throw your zeal into the fire, and that’s what
you get.

I heard her groan as I reached the end of her collarbone,

Mike::(Legolas)And smashed my fist into it until I heard a crack.

and began to kiss up her neck, reaching her jaw line.

Crow::This has to be the closest thing Via has had to a bath in almost
two Numenorian life times.

She placed her hands on my shoulders and pulled me closer to her.

Mike::(Gimli)I’m almost sure I saw him go this way.

Crow::(Aragorn)Why would he . . . oh MY GOD!

Mike::(Gimli)Legolas, how could you?!

Servo::(Legolas)Oh, um, this, uh this isn’t what it looks like. I was
trying to kill her.

Mike::(Gimli)I’d like to believe you, really I would.

Servo::(Legolas)But it’s the truth, at least I remember it as the truth.

I indulged and wrapped my arms around her waist tighter.

Crow::At this rate, her eyes are going to pop like balloons.

She pressed against me, and I pressed against her.

Mike::You know, sumo-wrestling works better when you run at each other.

Vianene's lips began to trail across my face.

Servo::Man the one time you want a dragon to appear and he’s off working
his job as grill man at McDonalds.

Her soft, moist mouth trailed up across my cheeks

Crow::(Hunter)I’m on the trail of something dangerous with lips bigger
than an elephant.

Mike::So McJagger?

until it reached my mouth again,

Servo::Oh I think my brain is going to explode.

Crow::Perhaps now would be a good time to use a colorful metaphor.

sweeping me into a passionate exchange of saliva.

Mike::As long as that’s the only exchange of fluids going on.

Servo::(Teller)I’m sorry sir but you cannot exchange this quart of
urine for a pint of lymph. According to current market prices you will
at least need to add another pint of blood.

Suddenly, I was violently pushed back against the tree again.

Crow::When elves learn Klingon mating rituals.

Mike::Come on, if not the dragon how about a Balrog?

I felt her loosen the first clasp of my tunic,


Crow::*sobs uncontrollably*

Mike::I think I’m going to go look for those murderous idiotic Orc’s
number. I have a little job for them.

and a portion of my chest fell exposed.

Servo::(Legolas)Damn it, the super glue promised that would hold.

She rubbed the palms of her hands about the exposed skin,

Crow::(Legolas)Knock that off, you’re going to destroy my one chest

moving her hands down my back, causing a moan to escape my lips.

Mike::Making the entire theater want to stab their eyes out with a bic

Her hands continued to explore the surface of my skin,

Servo::(Via)Holy cow, is there an area on your body that’s not covered
in warts or hairy moles?

Crow::(Legolas)Well . . .

Mike::Stop right there before I throw up!

caressing it with her soft fingertips.

Servo::I was wrong, Disco hell is a walk in the park compared to this.

Crow::Sisyphus had that damn rock, we have this scene.

Mike::What could we have possibly done to deserve this?

Vianene crushed me to the tree,

Servo::(Via)Do you see this moss, didn’t I tell you to clean off this
moss over two days ago? Why is it still here?!

pressing her hips to my own. She then captured my lips in her

Crow::and started to eat him.

Mike::Oh so she’s half python to.

and we kissed with more passion than I have ever felt before in
my life.

Servo::(Legolas)Because I am an emotionally stunted man.

Crow::It’s really not that hard for Legolas to feel more than he has
before. If he stubs his toe his emotion will almost double from this.

But wait.

Mike::There’s more.

Servo::Oh God I hope not.

My thoughts interrupted the moment I was having.

Crow::He felt more emotion than he ever had in his entire life, because
he was so happy he had a thought.

This is all just a game.

Mike::A sick and twisted game to try to destroy our will power.

Servo::It’s working on me.

Crow::Yeah my will to live is pretty much gone too.

You're not really feeling this passion.

Mike::It’s just acid reflux.

Her words came flooding back to me.

Servo::(Via)You’re standing on my foot.

You do not love me.

Crow::(Legolas)I know, isn’t that great.

You cannot love me. As I cannot love you.

Mike::(Via)We’re elves, we don’t have lungs to love with.

Servo::(Legolas)Uh, sure.

I started to wonder if she was really feeling the passion,

Crow::I can picture Legolas running his own 5:00 AM workout series every
two seconds asking, do you feel the passion yet?

Mike::Try the Bum-buster endorsed by Legolas. It’ll help you to feel
the passion.

the heat that she was creating in me,

Crow::The gasoline that she was pouring over my feet.

and my mind wandered while my body enjoyed every kiss, every push,
and every touch.

Servo::He really shouldn’t let his mind wander, it’s too small to be
let out by itself.

I was wrenched from my thoughts when she suddenly kissed my lips briefly,

Crow::Oh my God, look at Tom!

Servo::Blbbbblbbbbb! Blblblllb.

Mike::This fic is so illogical and painful it’s caused his gears to
stop. In essence, his brain is locked up.

Crow::So he has no idea what’s going on around him.


Crow::Lucky, bastard.

and took one of my hands in hers.

Crow::I think she’s sizing up his organs for the black market.

She put a finger to my lips,

Mike::(Via)Hm, about an inch and a half across.

released my hands, and walked away,

Crow::(Via)I’ve got to go kill people, bye.

leaving me to distress over what had just happened.

Mike::(Legolas)Oh man, I don’t think there’s enough soap in the kingdom
to get myself clean! What was I thinking? How could I possibly become that

I felt something brush against my hand

Crow::It was all those poor trees that Via had all the women wail on.

Mike::(Tree)We were told you were the one with our checks?

Crow::(Legolas)Um, uh, well, you see I don’t really have any money
on me.

Mike::(Tree)Get ‘em.

and found a piece of scrunched parchment wrapped in my palm.

Crow::(Legolas)Thanks, I needed something to spit my gum into.

I took it in both hands, and unrolled it, to read Vianene's scribbled

Mike::(Legolas)She left me her grocery list. Why does she need so much
toilet paper?


Tonight the game ends. I will find you;

Crow::And our international game of Hide-and-Seek shall come to a close.

you need not search for me. I will come to your rooms,

Mike::I know you’ll either be in the broom closet, attic, or bathroom.

as long as you are there.



Crow:: . . . bbblblblbllbbllb

Mike::Oh no not you too. It’s finally happened, this mess has destroyed
the ‘bot’s. Well, you shall never stop me!


Vianene's Point of View


I stood in my chambers, playing with my hair.

Mike::(Via)Okay now throw the ball back hair. Oh come on, you never
play fair.

I twirled about, checking my reflection in the mirror.

Mike::(Via)Oh you think you can take me reflection? Bring it.

I started to bite my nails,

Mike::Then I started to bite on my screws.

as I always did when I was nervous.

Mike::Or about to destroy all things good and pure in the world.

Why I was nervous I did not know,

Mike::(Via)I was just going to go sneak a few chips from Aragorn’s stash.

for what would happen tonight was slightly beyond my control.

Mike::(Via)No matter how many excuses I could think of, I just couldn’t
get out of Gandalf’s Banjo recital.

I kept myself as calm as I could, but it wasn't helping.

Mike::So she hyperventilated and died. (Gandalf)See, now you’re breathing
too much. Find a happy medium.

I ripped my fingers from my mouth,

Mike::(Via)Okay, so fingers can’t be used in replace of lost teeth,
got it.

and smoothed my dress down. I pulled my hair away from my face.

I walked down the corridors of the castle of Gondor,

Mike::Banging two pots together singing, "It’s a small world."

and I found Legolas' chambers.

Mike::(Via)Well that’s done, time to go to bed.

The game ends now, Legolas.

Mike::(Via)I’ve run out of vowel tiles.

For tomorrow I leave.

Mike::Yeah, now she’s going to turn around and leave and we don’t have
to go through any of that *bad stuff!* Right guys.

Crow & Servo::Bblbblblbblbl.

I knocked.

Mike::I want my mommy!

Hello folks, the author -- blablover5 ­ here. I regret to inform
you that this fic must be stopped. Mike and the ‘bots have come to me recently
begging that I no longer submit them to such torture. Especially given
the fact that this fic seems to and in fact does head the way of pure maleficent
pain. Also Legolas’ lawyers recently contacted me, (fairly nice people
although why one literary character needs over a dozen lawyers is beyond
me) simply stating that this whole thing was degrading his character and
I should desist from releasing such pain on the world. On the way out one
of them tossed out the idea that I could take on the Hobbits. Apparently,
they lost power of attorney to Gandalf a long time ago. So, while there
is more of this story out there I shall not be reading it, and I recommend
that none of you do either.

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