Not so Tactful RSVP

As the wedding draws ever near many brides begin to worry about the head count. More specifically they worry about how they are going to pry the RSVP cards they stamped and addressed out of their relatives cold clammy hands.

They are not alone.

We're waiting on about 81 people. So far only 50 people have confirmed (it's kinda spooky as its exactly 50 and exactly 50 have said no so far).

That 81 can be a major tipping of either we'll have a very empty church or we'll have to rethink the table layout at the reception as well as have to get way more bags of candy.

And I can't place any blame on my guy at all as it's all my family (farmers, nuff said). A part of me really is beginning to suspect that they think they are supposed to turn in the card when they show up for the wedding (almost like they need some paperwork for entrance or to prove they are who they say they are), or perhaps they think that the cards are just the right size for holding a piece of gum or acting as a coaster.

Regardless, I am coming to the stress breaking point where I shall have to phone, e-mail, or carrier pidgeon them to find out if they are really coming or are just gonna hide in their home and hope the wedding goes away.

RSVP or the cat gets it!

A lot of women tend to add stress on top of stress (never a good idea as stress doesn't balance well) and fret over how to form a very nice and kind way of asking people "Are you Fucking coming or not?"

Well I am not so tactful and instead came up with this idea of a simple plea:

"Dear related pain in the ass,

You rememeber that little pile of papers you got from us a month ago? It wasn't just a way of testing out the mail service, we're honestly going to be getting married.

Okay, so maybe you haven't gotten married in the last half century but things are a bit different now. We're spending tons of money for this thing. Money that could be better spent. We've been pulling our hair out deciding who to invite and you made the cut. (See that's why you got that thing with the stamp on it.) The least you could do is tell us if you'll grace us with your presence so we don't waste money on food and various other stuff.

Just fill out that cute little card that pleads with you to send it in with your name, check either yes or no, and drop it in the mailbox.

If we do not hear from you soon, a monkey will do unspeakable things to your birdbath.

Thank you,

The very angry Bride and scared Groom."

Nanny's etiquette guide

Hello dearies, Aunt Nanny here to answer all of your etiquette questions. I've recently come to learn that a lot of people are forgetting the rules of when and how to either invite or be invited to a wedding.

Apparently it's become quite popular to use this new fangled thing on the spider webs called muzzlebook or OurSpace. It saves the bride some much precious coin she can put towards a new still in the backyard (always a good choice) but there arise some issues with going the cheap and easy route.

First off, people feel really cheated of not being able to finger your beautiful tissue paper and see if it can go with the almanac in the privy or not. Then you have that one Uncle who will get lost unless he has the card with the exact time and address of the church, the one card with a map hand drawn to show where everything is in the town, and he's carpooling with someone who's already been there.

It's also doubly important to send an actual invitation to people who will be "helping (better known as working)" your wedding. If for no other reason than you can be sure they'll show up on time so you can boss them around. You also want to be careful in making this group thing on the facetome as any old ladies could see the opportunity for free food and booze and show up taking my fair share.

On the other side of this invitation stickle is for the guest themselves. If one actually does in fact recieve a paper invitation with those double envelopes and someone had painstakingly drawn out a pretty approximation of your names on the inner one, don't assume that that means you can invite your kids, your cousins, and that one uncle who does a really good impression of Pop-Eye every chance he gets.

Trust me, the bride has worked quite hard and gotten into a few fist fights in order to get the guest list widdled down to those who are coming as well as any ol' Nanny's that dispense advice. Inviting your whole brood will just throw off the seating chart so if I wind up far away from the bar there will be hell to pay.

I hope this episode of Nanny's etiquette has helped to clear up any misconceptions with a wedding. With my help you'll have the perfect shin dig complete with those little bits of cheese on the pointy sticks.

There's a drawback to RSVP cards

Let's see it's now been over a week since our invitations went out. So that means we've gotten back 13 RSVP's. If that rate keeps up then we should get all ours back by . . . carry the one . . . use the cosign, Jun 13th 2012.

But that's not the sad and depressing part of getting your RSVP card back, it's how many come back no. Right now our stack is neck in neck for no versus yes. (Though I am hearing that yes has a few tricks up its sleeve and is gonna pull out a win in the end)

As that still gives us a glimmer of hope, to really make it pathetic, all but one of the yeses (yessers, yesipies, yeese?) are from people in the bridal party or doing something during the wedding. Well it sure does seem now that we don't have to worry about this wedding get out of hand. If we just have the bridal party come we'll have a whole 20-30 people there.

Due to this sad state of affairs I've been thinking of ways to both make sure you get back your RSVPs and also encourage people to show up to your wedding.

Drum roll please . . .

Have a drawing. Get one of those rolling things they use for Bingo. Say that you'll use their RSVP cards but they have to have been mailed to count. Oh and also the winner must be present, otherwise no gift.

That would be a new way to auction off those centerpieces you got from the dollar store. Or maybe you can even include a package of free labor for someone to help you take down all your decorations. If you have a limited number of cake or favors those can be the last "crappy" prizes.

And if that still doesn't draw in enough people to attend your wedding you can always look at it this way, there's less people you have to buy food and booze for. Or you can get the same amount of alcohol and have a really good time.

It's a watershed moment!

You know I've never understood exactly what a watershed is supposed to be. Is it like a water closet outside?

Okay so I'm having an outhouse moment.

So we're going to go and look at the church and finalize some stuff tonight (thankfully I am working with some friends I have

watched get drunk so I got enough black mail I think we can get away with a lot) and then tomorrow with his parents who are visiting we're gonna go and check out the most likely reception hall.

It's almost eerie. Does this mean I actually have to get married? I have to go through with it all? I have to do the Chicken dollar dance?!!! (we're gonna cut down on time by making every dance

double up)

Hopefully I'll get over it all by tomorrow when I head home and then get to do more dress shopping (please dear God let her find something, anything. A potato sack would be fine at this point)!

On another note, I am rather proud of myself. I found a nice way to do that stupid RSVP card thing. Everyone kept pimping the idea of getting postcards because they have cheaper postage but the only invi

tes we found that we liked had those stupid little cards that were almost the price of the damn invitations themselves.

So I found myself some response postcards that were only $5 for 25 because I didn't even need to personalize them. I mean what's the point of having a nice looking RSVP card. In the end the guests should only have it long enough to fill it out. Maybe some cheaper looking ones will even encourage people to mail them in more. Or they'll just be used as coasters.

Anywho, here's the site I got them from.

Of the Earth-postcard response.

Here's some pictures

of the church