'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Introverted Style

Twas the night before Christmas, fire on the yule log
Not a creature was stirring, except for the dog.
The stockings were left by the chimney alone,
In hopes that a mouse would not call them home.

The tv was cooling its power now undone,

From visions of alien ufo's and other reruns.
And me in my toe socks, covered in sheep,
Gave up and decided to head to sleep

When out on the road there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tripped over the dog and ripped my leg a gash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

I limped to the window and what did I see,

A strange old man with a sack full of trees.

He looked out of his mind and covered in puke
I knew in a moment it must be some kook

Tipping this and that his belches rattled his frame,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called out by name!

"Now Thrasher! now, Lancer! now, Rankor and Licksen!
On, Vomit! On, Stupid! on, on Dumbass and Nixon!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As only a drunkard's focus a ladder he raised, 
His hair was matted and his eyes were crazed.
So up to the house-top the coursers they climbed,
I'd say something here but nothing rhymed.

And then, in a thud, I heard on the roof

At the man tripping, my dog gave a woof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the transient came with a bound.

He was dressed all in spandex, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of cans he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his breath like a brewery!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard full of food was best to forgo.

The stump of a bottle he held tight in his teeth,
As most of the booze dribbled out beneath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he stumbled, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right frightening old elf,
And I screamed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And swiped all the liquor, what a big jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And grabbing a rope, up the chimney he rose!

He slipped off the roof, to his friends gave a whistle,
And away he flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, we're gettin' hammered tonight!"