Tuesday, February 23, 2010

All relationships are like sitcoms

Another MSN Article, another necessary trouncing. *Word of warning, after you read this you will hate any and everything ever associated with love*

14 Moments That Define a Relationship

 Sabrina::Thanks to numerous tests and millions of dollars in funding scientists have determined the exact second a person is in a relationship. They figure they'll use it to sell Viagra to the masses somehow.

Step back to examine just where you are on the road of your relationship

Sabrina::Help, I'm stuck in the Iowa of my relationship and my car just broke down. 

and take pleasure in all of your firsts — from first kiss, to fighting

Sabrina::I have a scrapbook devoted to all those first fights called Treasured Plate Throwing. Brings a tear to my eye.

to murmuring those three little words.

Sabrina::Just Stop Farting!

Shared first experiences in come in many forms.

Sabrina::I'd rather it come in many colors. Who doesn't want a paisley relationship?

But which ones should you relish and remember and which ones are just you being mushy over?

Sabrina::The internet, here to tell you what thoughts you have that are good and which are wrong and make you Hitler for having.

In relationship world, we say they all count. Here are our top 14 relationship firsts.

Sabrina::Somehow I imagine they left out the first time you got trapped in a dumpster while fighting a team of ninja bears.

1. The First Talk Until Dawn

Sabrina::Falling in love while being pursued by Freddy Krueger is so cliche.

Astronomers say it takes just over eight minutes for light from the sun to reach the earth.

Sabrina::But we blew all our money on this stupid study so we'll just say magical elves do it with a chariot made out of pancakes.

And that's about how long it feels you've been talking, though it's been over eight hours.

Sabrina::Ears bleeding, tongue falling out. Can't take any more of this verbiage torture!

"My God, look at the time!" you both say, cursing the violet sky.

Sabrina::As Frances obliterates us from the face of the planet as revenge for all the action movies where the Effiel tower is the first landmark to get knocked down.

But it's a good sign if all you want to do is talk for a few million more trips into space and back.

Sabrina::So the first sign you're in a relationship is if you have a hankering for some cannabis laced with dish detergent. Gotcha.

2. The First Kiss
We know: Duh.

Sabrina::Seriously, why the hell are you reading this? A deranged caterpillar with a grudge against the world put it together. He's laughing at you for daring to read anymore. Why are you encouraging the evil caterpillar?

But how could we not mention that Big Red moment?

Sabrina::Big Red? Either you are referring to the first time you chewed a brand of gum, your first Husker game (which really is a major first in Nebraska) or this is talking about a much dirtier first kiss than I'd previously thought. I salute you deranged caterpillar.

It's like no other feeling in the world.

Sabrina::It's like being shot out of a cannon while covered in fire ants and enjoying a nice quiche with bacon. Because no one else in all of human history has kissed. NEVER!

3. When He Introduces You As "My Girlfriend"

 Sabrina::. . . just sat in the pie, I'm very sorry. I don't know what the hell's wrong with her.

It's so utterly high school that the title still straightens your spine.

Sabrina::So the Girlfriend moniker is a treatment for scoliosis?  Does this work if the patient is a male or is that entire gender just somehow goaded and trapped into a relationship with the use of shiny things?

But how can it not?

Sabrina::Because you're actually an adult and don't feel the need to tie your happiness to having a society approved relationship?

You're now officially pinned,

Sabrina::To a piece of cardboard so he can show off your beautiful wings to museum goers.

picked,

Sabrina::after he knocked on your melons a few times, pushed in your apple skin with a nail and dropped a coconut on a sparrows head.

branded,

Sabrina::Hold still honey, our monogram poker is almost done in the fire.

wanted.

Sabrina::Why the hell you'd want someone who stuck pins in your skin, treated you like fruit and put hot pokers into your flesh is anyones guess though.

4. The First Morning After

 Sabrina::After what? After you sled the Himalayas on a pizza box? After you recataloged every document in the library of congress in order of what would make the best reality show? Context people.

Some guys you wouldn't share a beet salad with, let alone a whole night.

Sabrina::Did this thing just say as a female it's normal to not want to sleep with every human with a penis? Do women really need to be reminded of this fact or are you afraid if you don't constantly remind us we'll suddenly jump any male that crosses our path?

"You want coffee?" he asks the next morning, tossing the duvet your way

Sabrina::Looks like you slept with another moron who confused bed linens with hot beverages again. Remember Roger, the man who tried to stuff your throw pillows into a mug of tea? Where do you find these guys anyway?

as he pads to the kitchen.

Sabrina::and uses this as an excuse to grab his pants and high tail it out of there.

"Please," he's saying by the ease of his actions, "stay".

Sabrina::Which comes across as really weird if it's your apartment. So women want to be branded, need to be reminded to NOT sleep with anything that passes them, and will never have sex in their own place. Women are a strange creature.

5. The First "I Love You"

 Sabrina::When do we get to the biggies? The first time he takes out the garbage? The first piece of Ikea you build together? The first International Spy you gun down together to save the world? You know, relationship backbones.

Jessica Simpson seems content to proclaim her love through national magazines.

Sabrina::Just how old is this? I thought her only problem now is dating douchebags. Maybe this whole article was written just for her actually.

For the rest of us, though, the moment is fraught with anxiety: What if he stares at us blankly?

Sabrina::What if I left the oven on? What if zebras rampage through my living room?

What if we're saying it too soon,

Sabrina::What if tiny Elvis really is living in his brain commanding him to kill all those hobos?

and ... Sorry, what was that? You do? Oh, thank God.

Sabrina::What was that? A man say the L word first? You must be joking, men have no feelings. It's been scientifically proven by a hummingbird with a headache.

6. The First "We"

Sabrina::The first We-ebelos? The first We-imaraner? The first time you get stuck watching WE TV together?

The first time you write "we" in an e-mail to your friends — and they don't write back, "We? Who the heck is we?"

Sabrina::Crap, so on top of the branding thing, the boning anything in our path and the constant need to internalize every random day to day activity in a mental scrapbook women can also never use the first person plural pronoun in electronic conversations with their friends. I guess that "Jen and I were thinking of going to the movies, but then WE decided against it" shall never be seen by another female on the face of the planet.


I'd also point out how quaint an e-mail is, but caterpillars aren't known for being the most technologically advanced.

7. The First Time You Fight (and Make Up)

 Sabrina::Awe, I wanted to remember the first time we fought and then killed each other in a duel. Huge Burr and Hamilton fans.

Let's be honest: If you never fight, someone's not speaking up.

Sabrina::Duct tape, it's like the force. There's a light side and a dark side and if you put it over someones mouth you never have to hear about Han shooting first ever again.

Consider it like an oil change: a healthy way to clean out gunk so you can get back to the joy ride.

Sabrina::See, you've had this horrible leak coming from the coolant system in your relationship. It's clean dissolved through your relationship engine and for some reason your muffler fell off too. Oh and it needs new spark plugs, but may I suggest a much dirtier article for that.

8. The First Trip Together

Sabrina::I'll forever treasure the first time my love and I drove to Target to pick up a pack of Q-tips and some toilet paper. I had the receipt preserved in Lucite. *sniff*

What better way to gauge how you'll fare on your journey through life than to see how you survive hours of snaking security lines?

Sabrina::Want to know the best way to cause an aneurysm in someone? Keep telling them that every random annoyance of life is actually a test of the strength of their relationship. The dryer didn't totally dry the clothes, he doesn't love you enough. You didn't get the garbage cans out in time, he puts work ahead of your needs. Your lover will have a stroke in two weeks, tops.

It's also when you establish who'll get the window seat for the duration of your relationship — so act fast, woman.

Sabrina::Best take control now. If left to their own devices males will slowly devolve into towel wearing ape like creatures that spend their time sitting in ditches shoving berries up their noses, scientific!

9. First Grocery-Shopping Trip Together

Sabrina::Nothing says love like a dollar off hamburger helper coupon.

You know how his lips taste after a workout and a cold beer.

Sabrina::Let's play the count the stereotypes in this single paragraph. Even better we'll make it a drinking game. We got man likes beer, take a shot.

You know to give him five minutes alone when he shakes his head in a "work sucked" kind of way.

Sabrina::Man can't share his feelings, and man only stresses about work. Swig down a twofer.

But to watch this man slip a family-size Fruit Loops into the basket with a dopey grin on his face —

Sabrina::Man is really a boy and will, if left alone, only survive on breakfast cereal and cold beer. Take a cereal bowl sized shot.

that's when you realize you still have worlds to learn about each other.

Sabrina::Oh and women are shrews who never enjoy a good Fruit Loop over their yogurt or iceberg lettuce. It's getting a little hard to see from all these shots. Where'd I put the bottle?

10. The First Time You Get Control of His Car/Remote/iPod

Sabrina::I'm picturing a series of Rube Golberg traps involving a train, one of those cymbal banging monkeys and a python to actually wrench it out of his hands. I'd say take another shot, but we already tore through all the liquor in my house to just get here.

Seriously, you don't know how hard it is for him to hand over something he worships so much.

Sabrina::Hail Remote, full of buttons, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among electronics, and blessed is the fruit of thy batteries, Television. Holy Remote, Mother of distraction, pray for us loafers, now and at the hour of our show. Amen

Not as much as he worships you, of course, but close. Scary close.

Sabrina::If you don't get that thing away from him, he's going to kill you!

11. The First Time You See a Future with Him

Sabrina::Pull out the Ouiji board, your mom's makeup, and the whipped cream and you can have yourself a slumber party.

Some women could imagine having a future with the guys in a J. Crew catalog.

Sabrina::Not only will women sleep with any man on the planet they also harbor strange fantasies of settling down with pieces of paper that couldn't survive a light breeze. Women are clearly out of their collective minds.

But with the man you love, the future you see is sure-footed and sane: A foot rub after a long day.

Sabrina::That's the entire basis for a future with someone? The dissemination of foot rubs? Nothing else? Pedicurists must all be raging bigamists then.

A laundry basket and a loving squeeze (though if he's folding, you really are dreaming).

Sabrina::Men can't handle the basics of cleaning their clothes, ha ha ha. It's so funny it makes me want to stab out my eyes with pins. Take another shot.

12. The First Time You Realize You're No Longer Primping for Him

Sabrina::I had high hopes at first from the clearly sex deranged caterpillar but alas he's let us down this time. Unless maybe the r snuck in there on accident.

Whoops! You're sitting on the couch in your baggiest sweats and rattiest T-shirt.

Sabrina::How dare you be comfortable? You were cursed with two X chromosomes and to make up for it you must spend hours chained to the bathroom counter beautifying yourself or face your womb remaining barren.

Yet he's looking at you more lovingly than when you're all gussied up. Clearly, my dear, this is the real deal.

Sabrina::Or you're just sitting on that remote he worships like a golden calf.

13. The First Time You Take Care of Something Together

Sabrina::You know *nudge* that "thing" you took care of together. With the cement shoes and the shallow grave. *wink*

It doesn't really matter if it's a tomato garden or Rufus the drooling French bulldog.

Sabrina::Or if you cross breed them and get Rufus the drooling tomato garden. Which is what we're doing next with our generous grant donation. Cancer, schmancer.

But when you're both responsible for taking care of another living thing, your pairing becomes much more important. Be proud as you watch it grow.

Sabrina::These have been two of the dumbest most insipid people on the face of the planet. I wouldn't trust them to watch after a dust bunny much less another living being.

14. The First Time You Commit to Each Other

 Sabrina::That's the most romantic speech I've ever seen. "Honey I've branded you, I let you near my beloved iPod, you feed me only fruit loops and I don't mind that you look like a rotten apple some Sundays. I've decided to commit to you."

We're talking long-term commitment, through thick and thin.

Sabrina::This can only mean one thing, spit brothers.

On the one hand, it feels a bit like picking partners in the schoolyard. ("You want me on your team? Really? Me too!")

Sabrina::Oh I'm pretty sure the two people in this article would make most gradeschoolers look like adults by comparison.

On the other, it's a watershed moment, when you find yourself so profoundly lucky that someone you adore so much feels exactly the same way about you.

Sabrina::And about two years later you take it for what it really is, neither of you wanted to die alone so you settled for the beer swilling tv worshiping man child who can't figure out how to fold a towel that must have fallen out of a sitcom.


Isn't love grand.

1 comment:

megan said...

Holy crap this was funny. I'm reading from my phone in bed my remote-worshiping manchild is sleeping next to me and I've been having the hardest time not waking him up w huge belly laughs. I kinda failed. Aces Sabrina!