Twitter, an unsuccesful guide

Twitter, the revolution sweeping the world as it links you to the lunch Ashton Kutcher had yesterday. Only with Web (what are we at now, 3.5 at least) can you get that kind of information. Before twitter you'd have to wait weeks to see just what color of nail polish Courtney Love painted her dog and if Ice-T bothered to take his trash cans in yet.

Now, it's instant.

*uh huh, yeah you think anyone will buy that? Fine*

I have just been told that apparently there's some social aspect for non celebrities on twitter. Yeah I don't get it either. I was so sure the entire point of twitter was to validate people whose main talent is looking pretty on camera.

The web is littered with helpful guides on how to set up your account, how to get lots of followers and just your general successfullness guaranteed if you send then a dollar. So I thought I'd toss my own hat into the quagmire with my own list:

How NOT to Succeed on Twitter: A comprehensive list from the top of my head because I just got into a hashtag game that's way more fun than this thing.

Revenge of the Fallen

1.  Before you're ready to start twittering (as is the happening lingo) you'll need to pick a username. If you really want to fail spectacularly at writing the bird I suggest you pick the longest most incomprehensible name possible "HimynameisdougandIreallylikeCheese" that way anytime someone goes to contact you they have to keep their message as short as possible because your name eats up so many characters.
   
   "@johnsjusthadareallynicesandwich ur names too lon"
   
   It'll make it incredibly annoying and next to impossible for anyone to contact you, leaving you free to socially connect with spam bots and your own mouse.
   
   Or, if long isn't your thing you could always try dirty. Put a few random capitalizations in there, at least five X's and everyone will label you a spam bot and unfollow you instantly.
   
   
2. You've picked your name now to fill out all that other interesting stuff so people get a nice rounded view of you right off the bat, right? NAH!
   
   No one wants to know that you're a sales rep from Utah, or a dolphin trainer in Saskatchewan. And they certainly aren't interested if you're currently on a deep space mission for the FBI. So keep all that personal interesting stuff to yourself.
   
   
3. Av's, avatars, avalon. Call it what you like but it's the worlds window into your soul. People don't have time to read and form an idea of your personality based upon your tweets, they need something concrete and visual to help them sum up instantly if you're worthy of their attention or not.
   
   Many people obsess over their avs, trying to find the best picture of themselves or an amalgum of their favorite hobbies. But they forget the five L's
   
   Loathsome, Laborius, Lousy, Loud and Lunchtime.
   
   Your av should be the most loathsome image anyone has ever seen (extra points if you stick a hitler mustache on it). It should be laborius to look at, I mean the biggest eye strain this side of those magic eye books (spiny and shiny gets you a few more credit bits). Lousy and loud explain themselves, if they haven't figured out how to attach a Lady Gaga soundclip to avs yet you might want to get to work on that.
   
   And of course Lunchtime because you've got more important things to do, so just steal one from your coworker and get back to your cob salad.
   
   
4. You got your account, you have your tumbleweed filled bio and you've got your nauseating av. Time to start tweeting right?
   
   Not so fast, you're going to want to build up followers first. Followers are the bread crumbs of the Twitter world, while most ducks would be happy with a handful to keep them entertained and from blowing their little duck brain, the truly greedy demand at least a million crumbs so their livers explode into a foie gras festival.
   
   And how does one get so many followers? That's in all those other guides, this is how to be UNsucessful remember? So I have no idea how one gets a lot of people hanging off their every word (though it seems the trick is to have been on TV at least once and have absolutely nothing worth sharing).
   
   I'm here to teach you how to find and lose followers as fast as your fingers can type. But that'll have to wait for another number because I need to stretch this list out to 10 or my editors'll kill me.
   
   
5.  On the side you'll see something called "Trending Topics." If you want to get a ton of people to follow who won't follow you back click on one of those topics and start adding every single name that comes up.
   
   Even if they look like they're 15, have a unibomber shack or are clearly three moneys in a trench coat add, add, add! No one will have a clue who you are, and because you won't have tweeted yet yourself or have any followers they'll assume you're a spam bot yourself and won't follow you back.
   
   This is doubly true for Spam Bots, secretly they hate each other and will fight tooth and nail to take down anyone else that is trying to sell Viagra to bored teenagers or vacuums to dolphins in house coats.
   
   With this advise you're sure to never have a single follower, and you'll probably wind up blocked a good dozen times over (and maybe on a few Michigan Militia guys lists).
   
   
6.  But you screwed up, you tweeted "Hi, Mom" before going on your adding spree and now all of a sudden people are following you back.
   
   Don't worry, I can help you through this mess you got yourself into, dumbass. First you have to make a decision, you can either put no effort forth and expect it to take years for your account to die or spend two weeks at the computer going out in a blaze of glory that's sure to wind up with your picture a 4chan.
   
   For this number lets assume you want to go the light and easy way, it's quite simple really. Only tweet once a week, and even then just as a quick reply to someone famous like Colonel Sanders praising his biscuits. Slowly weed yourself off your twitter addiction so you're only getting on once a month, maybe a punitative "Is anyone here" at month 6 and by year two you'll have been deleted after everyone on your lists went through a spring cleaning.
   
   
7. The blaze of glory is a lot more work and time, but also infinetly more fun.
   
   First, get yourself a giant bottle of your beverage of choice (we're talking keg sized) and say goodbye to any loved ones. Wedge yourself into the best computer chair sulk posture so your back resembles a jellyfish and get those fingers acracking.
   
   Type Type Type! Type about every disturbing and horrifying thought that's ever crossed your mind. Mention how you always thought you'd rather drink Burt Reynolds urine over Tom Sellecks. Or how if they really want football to be accurate they should replace the ball with a litter of piglets.
   
   While this will get rid of most of the normal people who were too nice to not delete you at first, you'll still have the freaks and monkeys to be rid of. Time to unleash part two.
   
   
8. Re-tweeting is where a person copys and reposts what they, in theory, thought was a hilarious or well thought tweet from someone else.
   
   It's also the perfect way to annoy the hell out of everyone.
   
   First, you'll have to get yourself a copy of the MLA or just sit with dictionary.com open. Troll the twitter stream looking for anyone with a blatant mispelling or incorrect pronoun usage, split infinitives are a goldmine. Then retweet  "RT @Ilovepie That game was off da hook // I believe you meant it was off "the" hook."
   
   Do this for a few weeks (the Hitler mustache would come in super handy about now as well) before you unleash phase two. Now start to jump over perfectly acceptable spelling and grammar. RT @lollypopguild Just when the butterfly was about to emerge from the chrysalis my Mom showed up// It's spelled chrystler dumbass!
   
   Even becoming the Grammar Nazi of Twitter isn't enough to get rid of some people (those spam bots are notorius for gobbing onto your leg and requring the jaws of life or a lot of fire to be rid of).
   
   
9.  So we move to the last and final tip on how to be as unsuccesful at twitter as one can be. You'll need a digital camera and the cooperation of Twitpic but I'm sure they can be convinced to go along with the right service agreement.
   
   Food is very popular on Twitter right now; what people are preparing, what they're eating, what they're wishing they could eat (actresses *shrug*). Why not take it to the next level. Upload pictures showcasing first your dinner and then the subsequent bowel movement.
   
   Offer up detailed descriptions and make up some weights to give it scientific credibility. Eat a lot of corn.
   
   
10. There you have it, my top 10 tips on how to be the most annoying person on twitter this side of Larry King (yes he's really on there *shudder*).
    
    I hope you all think of me as you have restraining orders brought against you, random visits from some gun toting guy named Larry and special deliveries from the Monkey Mafia.
    
    

Next week I'll cover how to be Unsucessful at blogging. The first tip, mention feces way more than necessary in a parody post.