Thursday, September 29, 2011

Barbie'll Cut Ya, man

EDITED TO ADD: After much hemming and hawing I did finally make one armored Barbie, Commander Shepard

It's happened again, a wild idea has lead me down that photoshopping products that don't actually exist path.

More specifically I got to wondering just what would get someone who's fairly wishy washy on that whole pantomiming human relationships with a gigantic head/tiny wasted pink maniac in plastic instead of say my preferred choice of old star trek figures or on occasion cars or random bits of foam.

If Barbie came with a sword, of course.

Allow me to introduce the RPG line of Barbie dolls, you can be whatever you want provided it's awesome at kicking butt and rolling dice:
Warrior Barbie comes equipped with a set of chain mail, a helmet that will mess up her hair but keep her brain from spattering across the field and non-high heeled leather boots. She is also equipped with a long sword, a short sword and a shield.

 Rogue Barbie is here to poison and trap your enemies, comes complete with a bow & quiver full of arrows or a set of dagger should she feel the need to get up close and personal with her victims.

The always glamorous Mage Barbie will look her best in an ivory bodice and leggings complete with matching floor length cape. Not that any of that matters as she roasts the flesh of those who would dare oppose her with deadly spells and the occasional errant match. Comes with her own mage's staff, a spell book and a bottle for "I don't think you really want to know" what.

Just added is Necromancer Barbie! With her army of raised dead she'll be unstoppable against her enemies. Comes with a dagger, a vial of blood, and her first skeleton minion to aid in the ritual sacrifices necessary to conquer the grave itself.
Paladin Barbie shall crush the unbelievers beneath her heavy booted foot. Her armor is plate with an ivy motif and her helmet will protect her from head shots as well as provide a nice disguise at any dull Skipper parties. Comes with a gold shield and sword as well as a scroll that none can read but her.

Ranger Barbie will have none of that loud clanking metal, she moves with quickness and silence sniping from the canopy of her home in the trees. A bit like a monkey with a deadly weapon. She comes with a hunting knife, her own woodland friend (whom she can also hunt and kill if one is so inclined) and a small bottle of calamine lotion. Poison Ivy is a harsh mistress to all.

He doesn't really wear any clothes, not that he has any. In fact it's hard to get much out of Barbarian Ken aside from the occasional grunt and fart. He's certainly not the perfect boyfriend but he might be good for a roll or two if you can get him to take a bath. Comes with giant sword that is in no way overcompensating for something, a tankard, and the severed head of Blaine.

This last Barbie is simply because whenever I undertake a challenge I must do one that's MST3K related:

There we go, dolls for the discerning nerd or someone who just wants lots of tiny swords.


Sara Raasch said...

My childhood would have been INFINITELY BETTER had they made these Barbies. Which begs the question -- why HASN't every RPG game jumped on this idea yet?

Cynthia Astle said...

Now you understand why I have not one, but TWO Buffy the Vampire Slayer action figures: One of Season 7 Buffy with the Slayer Scythe and one of Season 5 Buffy Bot with an axe. Yes, chicks with swords and other sharp implements rule!

Juturna F. said...

I would play with these Barbies. Yes, now. As an adult. They'd get a giant chessboard and be the "minis" as we fought cat-sized dragons (who quite realistically gnaw on their heads and try to wander off in the middle of battle). Or maybe just giants for the regular minis to fight.

Kim Norris said...

These are awesome and should become real.

Kim Norris said...

These are awesome and should become real.