Well, you're in luck. I'm here to help you accomplish just that. I know the world can be a scary place for bigots . . . I mean hard whining god fearing parents such as yourself and you need guidance in teaching your children how to navigate these strange times we all live in.
With my help, and a good dash of common sense to the brain, perhaps we can overcome this communication roadblock you have placed yourself upon with your progeny.
Don't concern yourself with how you wound up here, it's the magic of the metal box with all them tubes and the tireless work of some severely underpaid minions.
HOW TO EXPLAIN HOMOSEXUALITY
"Mommy, why are those two guys/girls hugging/kissing/holding hands?"Now, I know your first thoughts are to corral your children into a re-education center where people spend all their days picking beans but there's no need to panic. Simply wait until the couple in question have continued on their way fighting back that urge to hurl rocks and tell your child:
"You know how you learned about boys and girls loving each other at Marriage Camp? Well sometimes some boys like boys and girls like girls. Even some people will like both boys and girls. Now let's go get some 12-gross of toilet paper."Then take your child by the hand and get him/her an ice cream cone because everyone loves ice cream.
HOW TO EXPLAIN HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGE
"Daddy, how can two people of the same gender get married?"This does assume your child is smart enough to know what the word gender means but we'll skip over that plot hole. Gay Marriage has been in the news a lot lately and it is likely your child will pick up some of the talk at the schoolyard while playing Jacks or diving into the ol' swimming hole or other old timey things even you didn't do as a child but once again take a deep breath and let cooler heads prevail.
"Well son, it isn't easy. There are a lot of places that outlaw it."Then take your son to the ballpark and throw a few around until the sun sets majestically in the East (PS, buy a compass).
"People are scared of the unknown. It's much easier for them to hate and fear something they don't understand. So they hide behind religion and their version of morality so they never have to admit to themselves that those people are, much like them, consenting adults who should have the same rights as anyone else."
HOW TO EXPLAIN TRANSGENDER/DRAG
"Mommy, is that woman really a man?"Now, unless your child's new favorite movie is Priscilla Queen of the Desert (in which case you have bigger problems as they develop a fixation on Hugo Weaving and you're forced to sit through all three Matrix movies, again) it is rather unlikely they are to actually notice or much care. But who said any of these questions ever had to make much sense.
There are actually two answers depending upon your circumstances. When your child has developed an interest in a Drag Queen or King:
"Honey, you know how you sometimes like to play dress up? Well some grown ups like to do that too."
"Can I wear a dress?"
"If you'd like, but I should warn you tights are a real bitch sometimes."But if your child has become nosy and points out someone transgender who is trying to pass, you smile politely at the person and say to your dear girl/boy.
"It isn't polite to stare or point. Now close your mouth or flies will get in."Once home you can explain to your impolite curious tot:
"When some people are born they don't feel like they fit in right. Some boys want to be girls and some girls want to be boys."
"Gender is a complicated thing. There is a wide spectrum of what everyone feels comfortable with and everyone should feel safe in their own skin."Now make a big batch of muffins with your child and deliver them to the retirement center down the block.
HOW TO EXPLAIN THE INVASION
"Mommy, why are we slaving away in the acid mines at the behest of a race of giant space ants?"
"Because your father voted for Kodos. Now pass me the goggles."
Join me next week as we cover the really difficult topics to talk to your child about.