Halloween Wars - The Finale

We may have had to leave our one minority friend in the stalled car, break open the door to an abandoned fun house, hide in a pile of used clown hankies and then fall through the giant gaping hole in the floor anyone can see after our boyfriend was disemboweled for daring to have sex but we finally made it.

I can see the end of Halloween Wars in sight.

For this most auspicious and monumental life changing decisions the Food Network spared no expense in pulling in a guest judge this week who is both talented as well as competent and a household name. I give you that chick:

They kept introducing her as the woman behind the Halloween movie series (You know the one when Mike Myers after one too many bad Scottish Accents finally snaps, puts on a William Shatner mask and starts quoting Austin Powers at people until their heads explode).

Not-Jamie-Lee-Curtis spent most of the competition staring vacantly at the set, mentioning the word movie as though she were being endorsed for it and copying whatever the Pirates judge said. A real dynamite addition to the group, bravo Food Network. Once again you have truly outdone yourself.

I wonder if they let the guest judges have real pencils to take notes or if they have to do it in crayon.

But getting back to the competition, even though there seems to be no obvious prize for winning and there are only two teams left FN sees no reason to stop beating a dead horse midstream and once again they had to dance with a small challenge.

Having already used up witches, evil stuffed animals and misappropriating another culture the writers just said "Fuck, make something with ghosts." and wandered off to come up with more horrific food puns for Iron Chef.

Team One Competent Guy thought ghosts, fences, oh I know let's put a ghost in a chastity belt!

This is the face of someone who has seen Guy Fieri naked.

The judges positively creamed themselves over the fact that they finally painted their pumpkin though it looks to me like they just rolled some of that cocaine from last week on its face and called it a day.

Team SteamRoll made what I believe is supposed to be a pumpkin ejaculating into the air.

The sugar ghosts look really cool up close but because they love to add drama™to what has been a clear cut competition since day one the judges pick the Chastity Ghost for the winner of this lovely box assortment of smoked sausages. Or whatever in the hell it was FN threw at them for wasting a giant ass pumpkin to make that face.

Now that that time waster is over time to get to the meat of the competition, their main piece worth $50,000 should be about the abode of the damned. You know the under world where it's hot and stuff. Where all the bad people go to get prodded in the butt with pitchforks.

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.

Don't make me say it, the fundies will jump all over us if we dare to use Hell. Oh shit!

Fuck, I shouldn't have said shit.

I've always wondered what happens to all the guts, seeds and small families that used to reside inside the pumpkins they use on the show.

A few Thumbalinas, some Borrowers and the entire cast of David the Gnome lost their home that day in the name of killing time on the Food Network.

Because they were out of ideas for twists Cupcake Douchebag grabbed some of the decorations on the set and demanded the teams include bats or something.

Ray was in the midst of doing everything on his team by sculpting the demon, carving the pumpkin, air brushing the cake and fending off the evangelicals that appear whenever you say "Halloween" three times into a mirror when the twist was announced.

This is the face of a man who's about to snap, pick up a kitchen knife, slip on a Spock mask and start harvesting the organs of inexplicable food hosts.

Sadly, one of the interns shot some Paxil into his mouth and we had to get back to the competition.

Team Sorry Guys Maybe Next Year went for The Gates of Hell Heck.

 The gargoyle/demon was so cool I think I'd like about 10 please.

The sugar guy who usually stood in the back hoping everyone forgot he was there made the lava/fire pits of the "Naughty burning place" by pouring sugar into ice.

You could tell the cameraman had a hard on for this piece, he wouldn't leave it alone filming every little bat/hand/rolling bit of dry ice fog.

Team Already Opening the Champagne in their quest to think outside of anything decided to make a 1950's Deviled Ham mascot riding astride a cyclops with a very nice tooth whitening system.

I'll admit my theology studies are a tad bit shaky but I don't remember a lot of one eyed one deviled sitting rotting pumpkin eaters hanging out dooming souls in hell.

Poor pumpkin cyclops has a tender tummy. He can't keep anything down but 7-Up and some Bankers.

I hope hell has a good health insurance plan, looks like the devil's had another stroke.

The FN drama™edits were in full swing last night as they kicked off each notch by making sure the team everyone knew was going to win 1. failed their first small challenge, 2. spent almost no camera time on their finished final piece and 3. made sure to include the team captain talking about what they'd do if they lost. 

Food Network is a bit like a little kid with a secret, just wait long enough and they'll show their whole hand to you while grinning madly and shoving a few cookbooks and garbage bowls into your bag.

I would include the spoilers warning tag but unless you're 5 or suffering from the same debilitation as the devil I imagine you know that Bling Bats won.

And your prize is you have to judge Cupcake Wars for the rest of your mortal life, MwhahahaHaHaHaha!

There you have it, the Halloween War is over. After taking hit after hit Halloween has raised the white flag and turned belly over for Christmas to feast upon its yielding orange and yellow underside.

Happy Hallowdays!