Monday, October 10, 2011
Halloween Wars - Week 2
The amount of Television watching in this house is so sad it actually made those little Nielsen diaries they send to you with five bucks cry a bit and grab it's little hat before Mary Poppinsing out through the chimney.
But come Sunday night, after a week spent scrabbling and crafting finally my husband and I plop down exhausted on the couch and try to zone out to what used to be the most bland offering of the cable line up: The Food Network.
Despite the inevitable slide to EXTREME! DANGER! WHO WILL SURVIVE THIS CHILI COOK OFF WHERE WE MAKE CONTESTANTS EAT LIVE BUGS! every cable channel makes towards reality hell still we watch it. I hadn't intended to do a recap of any Food network show unless my life depended upon it (a bunch of people enter the stage, they make shit, someone gets money and we all feel a bit dirtier for it) but this is Halloween stuff and I'll happily take the bullet if a spider or witch is involved.
Right off the bat (snicker, I said bat cause it's Halloween and throwing around terrible puns is the best the FN writers can do) you feel slight stinging in your eyes, your skin goes clammy and your short of breath as an ominous voice echoes from poor ADR across the $20 set they stole from some kids play about the Three Little Pigs.
There, your worst fears are realized. Your own personal death is hosting this show:
I always wondered what Death looked like. For some reason I never pictured a Sears blazer, spiked hair from a 90's boy band and some of the most excruciating puns this side of a bubble gum wrapper.
There are the requisite two judges who the Network keeps locked up in the closet.
There's the Ice Queen who has to hate everything because that's her idea of criticism. The Asian Kerry Vincent if you will.
Like every single lame Food Network challenge that they, for some reason, stretch into multiple episodes they get together a random bunch of teams and force them to dance for the eventual payout of $50,000 eliminating one each week and probably making their children watch.
In this case each team has a cake maker, a sugar expert, and a butcher (I mean a pumpkin carver). They're supposed to combine their talents to make something I guess scary or some shit like that. And because forcing everyone to make just one show piece a week isn't enough there's always a dumb ass little challenge where the winner gets to rip out the heart of one of their competitors! (Or an extra assistant that never seems to appear because everyone got one).
This week they gave each of the four teams a stuffed animal and said make it creepy.
The first team had a stuffed cat so they decided to shove the thing inside a pumpkin because nothing strikes fear into the hearts of all like the idea of a cat getting into your garden.
You're really pissing this scary thing down your collective leg Food Network. I mean the commercials can toss up more scary shit than you're bringing:
Seriously, I expect better from you and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?
The theme for the main pieces was, now you may want to sit down for this insane idea, twisted fairy tales. I know, how does Food Network come up with these creative and unheard of ideas. I've never seen anything like it before.
Each of the teams scattered off to their various drawing boards and got to work. But because FN is the home of manufactured and convoluted drama half way through they stop the clock and give the contestants a chance to act surprised as they announce a twist.
Expect another change up next week as this team dumps cake lady in favor of someone already kicked off. I swear they change partners more than a Jane Austen novel.
Let's wave our hands and oh look the time is over, let's show off the pieces because we have shit to do and Alton's tapping his watch wanting to get Iron Chef started.
The team that made Drowning Pooh decided to make Little Red Riding Hood dark by making it exactly how the story goes, the wolf eats both grandma and the girl. This was also team Flounce as you can tell that cake bed of just layers of fondant thrown on top had to be the most mentally and physically taxing task ever known to man.
Team, ah who the fuck cares created this:
Or I guess it's Jack & the Beanstalk, wherein the tale is scary because the Giant actually manages to capture the repeat home invader who stole his livestock and musical equipment.
Now for the only cool and scary piece of the night, from Team Duck Hell:
Even though they really didn't fit in at all the pumpkins were the coolest thing I'd seen on this stupid show.
What followed was then 10 minutes of the judges yammering and trying to pretend like we didn't already know Team Sleeping Beauty won and Team "Wait, this was supposed to be scary? Shit, I thought we were making cakes for a 10 year olds birthday" Hansel & Gretel went home.
Tune in next week for more inane prattling, twists everyone knows and sees coming but pretend they don't, and the next out of work horror actor they can pull in with the promise of all the butterscotch candies they can suck down.
at 8:37 AM