Halloween Wars - Week 2

The amount of Television watching in this house is so sad it actually made those little Nielsen diaries they send to you with five bucks cry a bit and grab it's little hat before Mary Poppinsing out through the chimney.

But come Sunday night, after a week spent scrabbling and crafting finally my husband and I plop down exhausted on the couch and try to zone out to what used to be the most bland offering of the cable line up: The Food Network.

Despite the inevitable slide to EXTREME! DANGER! WHO WILL SURVIVE THIS CHILI COOK OFF WHERE WE MAKE CONTESTANTS EAT LIVE BUGS! every cable channel makes towards  reality hell still we watch it. I hadn't intended to do a recap of any Food network show unless my life depended upon it (a bunch of people enter the stage, they make shit, someone gets money and we all feel a bit dirtier for it) but this is Halloween stuff and I'll happily take the bullet if a spider or witch is involved.

Right off the bat (snicker, I said bat cause it's Halloween and throwing around terrible puns is the best the FN writers can do) you feel slight stinging in your eyes, your skin goes clammy and your short of breath as an ominous voice echoes from poor ADR across the $20 set they stole from some kids play about the Three Little Pigs.

There, your worst fears are realized. Your own personal death is hosting this show:

It's the douchebag from Cupcake Wars, a show much like the Black Death that creeps in on grim reaper wings and next thing you know you're bleeding out of every orifice watching your loved ones convulse, screaming about Red Velvet.

I always wondered what Death looked like. For some reason I never pictured a Sears blazer, spiked hair from a 90's boy band and some of the most excruciating puns this side of a bubble gum wrapper.


There are the requisite two judges who the Network keeps locked up in the closet.

There's the Ice Queen who has to hate everything because that's her idea of criticism. The Asian Kerry Vincent if you will.

And there's the "he knows nothing about food or working in the food industry but he did some shit with Pirates, you know that movie franchise that should have stopped after the first one, so he's the scary expert" I guess.

Finally, because you can't have an evil triumvirate without three they picked up someones grandfather who was wandering around a Menards trying to get help to fix his old rotary phone.

Actually that's everyone's favorite author from ages 7-10, RL Stine. He mostly sat there, staying as far away from Proto-Vincent as he could and got a plug or two in for some book. I had no idea he was still writing, or alive, or ever really existed come to think of it. I always thought Goosebumps were created by a super computer (shut up it was the early 90's all computers that didn't just play Oregon trail were super) combining together Evil, Haunted, and murderous handkerchief. And print out the money.

Like every single lame Food Network challenge that they, for some reason, stretch into multiple episodes they get together a random bunch of teams and force them to dance for the eventual payout of $50,000 eliminating one each week and probably making their children watch.

In this case each team has a cake maker, a sugar expert, and a butcher (I mean a pumpkin carver). They're supposed to combine their talents to make something I guess scary or some shit like that. And because forcing everyone to make just one show piece a week isn't enough there's always a dumb ass little challenge where the winner gets to rip out the heart of one of their competitors! (Or an extra assistant that never seems to appear because everyone got one).

This week they gave each of the four teams a stuffed animal and said make it creepy.

After having lived with the dog I know the easiest thing to do is cut a small hole in the animals head, pull out all the stuffing, rip of an eye and a foot or two, instant creepy. But I guess they had to use pumpkins and cake and other oh god who cares let's get to the pieces.

The first team had a stuffed cat so they decided to shove the thing inside a pumpkin because nothing strikes fear into the hearts of all like the idea of a cat getting into your garden.

The team with a Teddy Bear must have had some serious childhood drama around Hunney Pots and 100 Acre Woods because they decided to make a bear drowning in chocolate.

It's all right dear, the rice krispie Winnie The Pooh isn't going to hurt you any more.

Team Rabbit decided to skip past the Disney owned merchandise and go straight to Python, as in Monty.

They seemed to be visited by the Killer Rabbit's cousin the killer ground hog with a slight ear problem.

That's the exact same face I make whenever I turn on the tv and Diners, Drive ins and Dives is on.

You're really pissing this scary thing down your collective leg Food Network. I mean the commercials can toss up more scary shit than you're bringing:

AH! KILL IT WITH FIRE! EVIL TALKING UNDEAD MUFFIN!

Seriously, I expect better from you and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?

Howard the duck knows you been talkin' smack about him and he's back for revenge!

Surprise, surprise the evil chicken from hell and back won so they got to feast upon the gooey brains of the camera crew before heading into the main competition or something like that. Shit, who cares?

The theme for the main pieces was, now you may want to sit down for this insane idea, twisted fairy tales. I know, how does Food Network come up with these creative and unheard of ideas. I've never seen anything like it before.

Each of the teams scattered off to their various drawing boards and got to work. But because FN is the home of manufactured and convoluted drama half way through they stop the clock and give the contestants a chance to act surprised as they announce a twist.

"We need to remind people we're even bigger jack asses than usual so now you have to hop while you make your piece. Also make me candy, slave. Enough candy to pile to the ceiling!"

What followed was quite possibly the shortest and most pointless flounce in history when this woman ran off set screaming about the cameras for all of 30 seconds. Really? Cameras in her face was the best you could come up with FN? It's not like someone going on a TV show would realize that hey maybe they're going to be filmed and quite a bit at that.

Expect another change up next week as this team dumps cake lady in favor of someone already kicked off. I swear they change partners more than a Jane Austen novel.

Let's wave our hands and oh look the time is over, let's show off the pieces because we have shit to do and Alton's tapping his watch wanting to get Iron Chef started.

The team that made Drowning Pooh decided to make Little Red Riding Hood dark by making it exactly how the story goes, the wolf eats both grandma and the girl. This was also team Flounce as you can tell that cake bed of just layers of fondant thrown on top had to be the most mentally and physically taxing task ever known to man.

Team Monty Python RipOff decided fuck this stupid competition and made a gingerbread house instead.

I admire their bravery and boldness for pointing out how incredibly stupid this theme was as fairytales are already dark, that's kind of the point of them and by making a sweet and happy piece you . . . no wait I'm being told that's supposed to be Hansel and Gretel.

*sigh*

Team, ah who the fuck cares created this:

A loving ode to the Afflec duck and his torrid romance with the man in the sun.

Or I guess it's Jack & the Beanstalk, wherein the tale is scary because the Giant actually manages to capture the repeat home invader who stole his livestock and musical equipment.

I'm not entirely up on my Disneyfied fairy tales but I don't remember the giant being just a large orange head growing out of the beanstalk. Perhaps that was added after one of the reboots.

Now for the only cool and scary piece of the night, from Team Duck Hell:

They took the idea of Sleeping Beauty but instead of her being raped by the prince, forced to give birth to twins and having one of them suck the splinter from her finger she just never wakes up. Yes that's a much scarier ending for the children, she died peacefully in her sleep as opposed to every woman's nightmare.

I wish I could show some better pictures but whoever edited this thing needs to lay off the cocaine laced coffee, it was like someone gave the controls to a pack of espresso craving squirrels and let them at it. Third graders with videophones could have done a better job.

Even though they really didn't fit in at all the pumpkins were the coolest thing I'd seen on this stupid show.

I'll take 30, just leave them at the back door. Thank you.

What followed was then 10 minutes of the judges yammering and trying to pretend like we didn't already know Team Sleeping Beauty won and Team "Wait, this was supposed to be scary? Shit, I thought we were making cakes for a 10 year olds birthday" Hansel & Gretel went home.

Tune in next week for more inane prattling, twists everyone knows and sees coming but pretend they don't, and the next out of work horror actor they can pull in with the promise of all the butterscotch candies they can suck down.