After her need to scream at the cameras and stomp off, Team Winnie drowning in Poo changed their cake person for someone kicked off earlier because nothing screams success like using someone who already failed. Don't worry if you have no idea who that is or care, I rather doubt anyone including her team members do.
Because it's not embarrassing enough to force grown men and women to run around gouging gourds and spreading sugar for some vague talking points the FN writers scribbled out in between bouts of diarrhea they pulled in some poor vagrant who was digging through the dumpster outside the studio praying for something other than Sandra Lee cast offs.
Because it's already been two weeks and thinking is hard the writers texted in the small challenge and went with Day of the Dead, which culturally has nothing to do with Halloween aside from landing near but since when has anyone at the FN had more than a half a braincell to rub together?
Team Oh We Know They're So Going Home Today took a pumpkin and covered it in white chocolate. I suspect there was some plan but that's because I still have a glimmer of a hope for humanity:
Team We Only Have One Talented Person decided to go in a whole different direction and created the Dia Day Los Muertos for the Alien.
Ze goggles, they do nothing!
When called out on their oozing teeter-toter they made up something about the glass bits being tombstones but never explained the giant pile of cocaine. Man they really do things weird in Mexico.
The final Team Who Will Steam Roll Anyone Who Dares To Gaze Upon Them got a bit confused as to what year it was and decided to honor Johnny Cash repeatedly saying he'd passed recently. Just how old is this thing FN? Do you age your shows like a bad wine that only Aunt Sandy will slug back?
Because you know who would want to kill the undead? Other undead because of . . . well you know I mean zombies don't have blood and well oh god I've already put more thought into this than a single person who worked or appeared on this stupid show.
Since the sight of a brainless automaton bickering with a mincing fop is about as terrifying as a toaster here's something truly scary to haunt your nightmares for another week or so.
Team Only One Competent Person pointed out just how fucking stupid this theme was by having a zombie feasting upon a willing vampire's brains. Blink.
I'm waiting patiently for when the action figure maker turned pumpkin carver finally snaps at his two incompetent team mates and starts slicing them up for the final challenge.
The Typical Sandra Lee Fan
Doing what they do best Team Oh You Already Know They Won This Round hid the pumpkin guy in a corner while the cake woman bossed everyone around and out popped the most literal interpretation of this asinine theme:
You got your vampire in my zombie, you got your zombie in my vampire.
Paula Deen without makeup.
I rather doubt I need to tell you who won and who went home and thus we enter into the final week and hopefully after much therapy I can finally scrub my brain of this image:
Because Food Network seems to love having the underdog win these competitions something tells me at the end after he clones himself and kicks the two hanging chads off Team Boo will win the whole thing. At which point the insane cake lady will crack open and a Banshee shall shoot out and feast upon Cupcake Wars guy's brains or veins.
And I'll still be here, weeping quietly in the corner begging my once favorite holiday to just move a finger.
I don't have any pictures but did you catch the Halloween Edition of Chopped last night? You should, nay must hunt that out.
Having no idea who in the hell to torture with probably some of the most random baskets they trolled the asylum and picked up four of the craziest nutters in there who could legally have access to knives.
There was pregnant ex-heroin addict who you may remember from some cake challenges that about half way through always breaks down into a giant sobbing ball screaming about how she can't do anything.
There was Pie Man. Truly that was in fact his only character trait, just a pie man.
There was Mr. I talk to feathers and collect pez. You know he's about one burned souffle away from a serial killer spree, as are all Pez collectors.
And my favorite and seriously the reason you must find this episode and watch it now, Tommy Chong. Okay, it wasn't actually Chong but this is about as close as you get without actually putting cannabis in the basket. When called upon to present his dish he stood there as Ted said his name a few times, grinning like someone who wasn't certain what decade it was but didn't much care. After prodding from the judges, the contestants and a few cattle prods eventually he made vague hand motions for what food he made.
Every time each dish ended he seemed just as shocked as anyone else that he'd finished and plated anything much less food that the judges loved. I love Chong. He tosses his arms up, looks around, says "I have no idea what I'm doing" and there's a finished plate beneath him.
Seriously, Food Network dump your bloated hairy food tourists and get this guy a show. You can just put him in front of a burner with a bunch of random groceries and out will come a five course meal before he knows he's in front of a camera or even awake.
Hell, you could pay him in Doritos.