Halloween Wars - Week 3

Hello Boys and Ghouls, Crypt Keeper here to replace that dead wood they propped up to host this monstrosity of a halloween show. He wasn't so happy to go but chainsaws make for such wonderful bargaining tools.

Let's get this waste of a perfectly good night I could spend grave robbing started.


After her need to scream at the cameras and stomp off, Team Winnie drowning in Poo changed their cake person for someone kicked off earlier because nothing screams success like using someone who already failed. Don't worry if you have no idea who that is or care, I rather doubt anyone including her team members do.

The bodies must be really stacking up under the floorboards at this point with two team cannibalizations. It was the cursed beating of that hideous sugar artist!

Because it's not embarrassing enough to force grown men and women to run around gouging gourds and spreading sugar for some vague talking points the FN writers scribbled out in between bouts of diarrhea they pulled in some poor vagrant who was digging through the dumpster outside the studio praying for something other than Sandra Lee cast offs.

They kept trying to convince us it was Rob Zombie, but I'm on to you FN. That's actually Gummy Joe who will let you hit him for a buck. At the rate they're going the last weeks guest judge will be one of the decomposing bodies of someone who tried to correct Giada's pronunciation.

Because it's already been two weeks and thinking is hard the writers texted in the small challenge and went with Day of the Dead, which culturally has nothing to do with Halloween aside from landing near but since when has anyone at the FN had more than a half a braincell to rub together?

Team Oh We Know They're So Going Home Today took a pumpkin and covered it in white chocolate. I suspect there was some plan but that's because I still have a glimmer of a hope for humanity:

Once their pumpkin carver was finished it actually looked like a pretty cool white skull of someone who got creative with a nail gun. Then they let the "for god knows what reason" captain near the air brush.

So you grabbed your skull and dropped it in one of the overflowing toilets, then stuck a sea anemone on top for a dash of elegance? Nothing says Day of the Dead like brown and green streaks to remind people that their loved ones would really rather prefer to stay in the ground and be left alone thank you very much.

Team We Only Have One Talented Person decided to go in a whole different direction and created the Dia Day Los Muertos for the Alien.

They even included an homage to the fact that she loved nothing more than to roll around in cocaine cut with stained glass.

Ze goggles, they do nothing!

When called out on their oozing teeter-toter they made up something about the glass bits being tombstones but never explained the giant pile of cocaine. Man they really do things weird in Mexico.

The final Team Who Will Steam Roll Anyone Who Dares To Gaze Upon Them got a bit confused as to what year it was and decided to honor Johnny Cash repeatedly saying he'd passed recently. Just how old is this thing FN? Do you age your shows like a bad wine that only Aunt Sandy will slug back?

You may want to sit down for this shock but the only people who seemed to have a clue about Day of the Dead won. Because there was no flouncing this week the editors tried to stretch the drama of one team getting to pick pumpkins before the others into an Oscar worthy movie. I'm surprised the one guy didn't wrench his garments and scream while kneeling upon the floor about how he wanted that pumpkin!

To prove that they have about as much of a clue about pop culture as that dancing old guy in the six flags commercials the theme for this weeks pieces was Zombies vs Vampires. No, not Vampires vs Werewolves or Zombies vs Classic Literature or even The Audience vs Every Stupid Food Network Contest Show.

Because you know who would want to kill the undead? Other undead because of . . . well you know I mean zombies don't have blood and well oh god I've already put more thought into this than a single person who worked or appeared on this stupid show.

Since the sight of a brainless automaton bickering with a mincing fop is about as terrifying as a toaster here's something truly scary to haunt your nightmares for another week or so.

Team Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out looked up, down, sideways and back at this incredibly stupid challenge and made a diner.

The judges seemed to think this was a creative out of the box idea. I picked up the TV and screamed "WHY WON'T YOU MAKE SENSE!" before tossing it out the window and breaking free of the mental asylum.

I know I'm your eyes and ears on the ground here but I still have no fucking clue what any of this is. Why is Betty Boop on the top of a red & black wedding cake? Why is Frankenstein's monster partying in front of a crappy video game door? And who thinks maraschino cherries for eyes is scary?

Team Only One Competent Person pointed out just how fucking stupid this theme was by having a zombie feasting upon a willing vampire's brains. Blink.

Well I say vampire, but it looks a lot more like a caveman with a couple of chicklets shoved in her mouth.

I'm waiting patiently for when the action figure maker turned pumpkin carver finally snaps at his two incompetent team mates and starts slicing them up for the final challenge.

The Typical Sandra Lee Fan

Doing what they do best Team Oh You Already Know They Won This Round hid the pumpkin guy in a corner while the cake woman bossed everyone around and out popped the most literal interpretation of this asinine theme:

You got your vampire in my zombie, you got your zombie in my vampire.

Paula Deen without makeup.

I rather doubt I need to tell you who won and who went home and thus we enter into the final week and hopefully after much therapy I can finally scrub my brain of this image:

Because Food Network seems to love having the underdog win these competitions something tells me at the end after he clones himself and kicks the two hanging chads off Team Boo will win the whole thing. At which point the insane cake lady will crack open and a Banshee shall shoot out and feast upon Cupcake Wars guy's brains or veins.

And I'll still be here, weeping quietly in the corner begging my once favorite holiday to just move a finger.

I don't have any pictures but did you catch the Halloween Edition of Chopped last night? You should, nay must hunt that out. 

Having no idea who in the hell to torture with probably some of the most random baskets they trolled the asylum and picked up four of the craziest nutters in there who could legally have access to knives.

There was pregnant ex-heroin addict who you may remember from some cake challenges that about half way through always breaks down into a giant sobbing ball screaming about how she can't do anything.

There was Pie Man. Truly that was in fact his only character trait, just a pie man.

There was Mr. I talk to feathers and collect pez. You know he's about one burned souffle away from a serial killer spree, as are all Pez collectors.

And my favorite and seriously the reason you must find this episode and watch it now, Tommy Chong. Okay, it wasn't actually Chong but this is about as close as you get without actually putting cannabis in the basket. When called upon to present his dish he stood there as Ted said his name a few times, grinning like someone who wasn't certain what decade it was but didn't much care. After prodding from the judges, the contestants and a few cattle prods eventually he made vague hand motions for what food he made.

Every time each dish ended he seemed just as shocked as anyone else that he'd finished and plated anything much less food that the judges loved. I love Chong. He tosses his arms up, looks around, says "I have no idea what I'm doing" and there's a finished plate beneath him.

Seriously, Food Network dump your bloated hairy food tourists and get this guy a show. You can just put him in front of a burner with a bunch of random groceries and out will come a five course meal before he knows he's in front of a camera or even awake.

Hell, you could pay him in Doritos.