How the Time's Flown

Has it really been three years since I turned mutant green and battled Frankenstein's and Chucky's Brides?

Or my husband grew a paint mustache and started ruling small made up countries after shooting elephants in his pajamas?

 If you have no idea what I'm talking about those would be some of the pictures from that wedding thing we all slapped together three years ago (If you don't care I'll release a bunch of endorphins so you won't notice).

And now that I've been married for a whole three years I think I can finally dispense with advice that is certain to fit every single couple out there regardless of life, liberty or levels of pudding.

1. It is best to consider yourselves working together on a team, striving to save the world in your underwear. But every great hero needs an arch-nemesis. Sadly you cannot pick up a giant brained blue guy at the pound but you can get a dog. She'll push every button both of you have and weasel her way into trying to destroy every last vestige of life you once held dear. But knowing that it's you and your spouse against the monster will bring you even closer together than before.
2. Separate blankets. It makes doing laundry a bigger pill but if one of you likes to be warm and the other tends throw all manner of duvet and blanket and fitted sheet onto the floor in the middle of the night, separate blankets are a god send.
3. Duct Tape and Spray Paint can fix just about any hole, fallen side mirror or the fact that grass refuses to grow on the back third of your lawn.
4. Lentils are an excellent source of protein in that you can throw them at someone until they give you their steak.
5. The Cake is a Lie.

There you go, the five big tips to have a perfectly happy marriage (with a few dog vomit covered in duct tape and lentil fight side effects).