Rebranding Weddings

Um, hello. This entry today is actually authored by the groom. Traditionally, the guy is barely aware of any of the wedding details after proposing, renting a tuxedo, asking various guys to help, and possibly setting up some rental arrangements. I can't say I have done that much more, but I have been able to at least observe some of what goes into a wedding.

I've found something in my observations. Weddings are a huge industry, but not really like the major holidays are. I think weddings can be made better, or at least more uniform by stealing from holidays to form their own new image.

New Years Eve/Day: Well, this is easy enough. For New Years you stay up late, get really trashed, and kiss anything in sight. If that doesn't scream wedding then what does?

Valentine's Day: Hmm, well this holiday has those little candy hearts with messages. However, they have the taste of a chalkboard with a light granite after note and are better suited as a door decoration (really, ask my fiancée or her friend who managed to tape two boxes worth to my door piece-by-candy-piece). There is also cupid, but being one of the two prime targets in an up-coming wedding, pelting the bride and groom with fake arrows is not that appealing. Sorry folks, looks like this holiday is a wash. Can't win 'em all.

St. Patrick's Day: Ah, this is much better. Since this holiday has become, at least in part, about enjoying spirited beverages, why not consider coloring the beer or white wines in your wedding colors? Sure, some guests may think it is weird, but after the first few who is really going to care? Though a thought occurs to me not everyone drinks and should not be encouraged or pressured to. Alright, colored beer for some, gold foil wrapped chocolate coins for others.

Easter: If we learn anything from the commercial celebration of Easter it is that a successful holiday needs a mascot. Just think of all the random bunny stuff you can find for Easter. Therefore, I propose Garry the Wedding Weasel and his bride Betty. See, it will be a cute Garry the Groom and Betty the Bride who are Wedding Weasels. Your guests will love the opportunity to have an autographed picture of them with the Weasel family. Part of the fun of this holiday was searching for Easter eggs. Using eggs again would probably seem lazy. Therefore, hide the guest's favors around the reception site. I'm sure there are dozens of places you can hide a small tulle bag.

Fourth of July: While it would be easy to say start using fireworks for weddings that seems a bit too over the top. Instead, I am thinking this can be more of a new tradition. For those getting married the first time, you are potentially declaring your independence from your parents. Why not do it right and draft a document to prove it? Heck, declare your independence from being single. This may prove more lasting, or at least legally binding, than personalized vows.

Halloween: Everyone is already dressed up in an over-the-top sort of way that they think is really cool (or sexy, classy, sophisticated, what have you). The difference is that you are not supposed to be having fun, at least not in an “acting goofy” sort of way. Perhaps people should just work to relax and dress up in a more outlandish way for the reception. And in addition to hiding the gift bags or favors, you can have big baskets of “fun size” candy that people can go around and collect in a Trick or Treat kind of way. This way you can be sure to get the kind of candy you really like, or trade with people so you can. Wait, we're already going to be doing that.

Christmas: I must admit, when I started on this voyage to be married, I did not believe there would be a similarity to Christmas. I was wrong. It turns out that Weddings are prime gift giving occasions. Sure, I knew you are expected to get gifts for the young couple who are about to start a life together, but then I realized the couple is expected to get a gift for each person who is involved in any capacity beyond just showing up.

Now, don't get me wrong many of the people you get gifts for will deserve it. The problem is remembering just how hard it is to find “the perfect gift” for these people. What we need now is a range of gifts from the cheap and generic, to the more personal. The more personal has already been thoroughly covered, but can't we get “Wedding Cheese Boxes”? Also, we need to have more fun with this. Make the bridal party hang socks up in a common place for the couple to dispense gifts through. Maybe some plant we can gather the other gifts under. I suggest a palm tree.

Miscellaneous:

Birthdays: Aside from the gifts you may end up getting, Weddings and Birthdays have another thing in common. Cake. Classic wedding cakes of the last hundred or so years have been white on white with white detail. Why not add some color? Primary color balloons, sprinkle confetti, or even Spider-Man. Why have a bride and groom cake topper when you can have Spider-Man scaling the side? Now THAT would be a memorable cake.