Monkey see, Monkey Don't

This weekend I attended a wedding that, well, let's just say I learned a whole lot on what not to do. So I was thinking that I'd share that knowledge with you so we can um all celebrate in the knowledge of learning something.

• #1. If you ask someone to help out in your wedding do not, I repeat do not, send them only a facebook invitation and never bother with a paper. I was asked to do guestbook but all I got was a quick invite to the facebook event. It was only for the ceremony even so as I wasn't invited to it I didn't go to the reception.

• #2. If you are gonna make your bridal party be with you early in the morning for hair and then have pictures start 3 hours before the ceremony feed them! We were smart and went to Subway so all the bridesmaids were complaining about how hungry they were and when they saw us walk by carrying our sandwiches I was sure there'd be a hyena attack. Luckily someone thought to order pizza, and let me tell you you do not want to get between a hungry bridesmaid and pizza. I was sure I was gonna be crushed to death by satin.

• #3. If you do in fact ask someone to be in your wedding talk to them, tell them where they are supposed to go or what they are supposed to do. The bride didn't say a word to me, so I just sat around watching the kids in the wedding and the guestbook watched itself. (For those ladies doing the 100 pushups thing you can also work your forearms just by carrying around a sleeping 1 year old. My arms still hurt).
  

• #4. Kids, they need naps. For gods sake don't make them stand around cranky having picture after picture taken. Instead plan to either have their pictures taken early so they can get in a quick one, or take them last so they've been up a bit before the wedding. Also do not let them run around like little hell spawn climbing all over everything as something is gonna rip and someone is gonna fall.

• #5. Do not change your plans midstream and not tell anyone. This happened not once but three times while we were there. First the bride had planned on riding out on a flatbed with hay bales and as her father was getting things all hooked up and loading up the hay one of the bridesmaids told him she'd changed her mind and wasn't gonna do it. Second there was a big hoopdedo about pew bows. The bride was borrowing some pew bows and at first they just sat in a box while all the pictures were being taken, then after that the bridal party rushed to put them up before the guests could sit down. I still don't know if she wanted them or not. Finally and the worst of them all, two days before the wedding they hired a second photographer and failed to tell the other that they didn't want her. So there were two photographers running around and the one first hired was a family friend who was worried about getting in the way.

• #6. If you forget to make something the day of the wedding do not improvise. I shit you not, but they had some bubbles there and someone took a sharpie marker and on a cardboard box wrote "Please Take One" and then ripped that piece of cardboard off and stuck it behind the bubbles. I wish I'd had a camera at that point just to prove it.

• #7. Let the kids in the wedding get used to their props. They didn't think to bring the flowergirls basket or the ring bearers pillow til the day of and the kids didn't see it til right before they had to walk down the aisle. They're both 3 so of course they refused to hold them and it was only with some thinking outside the box on my part could we get them down the aisle (my fiance and I walked the ring bearer down, and probably made some really bad pictures).

• #8. Have someone you can trust as best man. They actually tied the real rings to the pillow. So they trusted a 3 year old more than a grown man.

• #9. If you're gonna have them, make up your own programs. The bride actually didn't bother and the church did, so her own sister was left off along with me and a few other people who she'd asked to do stuff and then didn't bother to talk to.

• #10. Replacements are a bad thing. She had a bridesmaid that she knew might not be able to make it to the wedding due to a flight that wasn't gonna get in til one hour before the wedding and that day she found out was gonna get in long after the wedding (and probably reception) were over. So rather than just let one groomsman walk alone she shoved a candlelighter into a bridesmaid dress and had one other candlelighter's sister light some candles. I would loathe being a replacement bridesmaid cause the whole time you know you're up there on a technicality.
  

I am happy to say that after watching this catastrophe unfurl we have a good plan of attack. We've planned pictures around naps, we know what we're gonna feed our friends, and most of all I'll try to thank everyone who was there for me and not just assume everyone knows what is going on in my brain.

Oh yeah and for #11. If you are the mother of the groom do not wear a dress that could easily be an ivory wedding dress with red heels. It makes you look like an ass.