Thursday, November 19, 2009

Gift Guide, for the discerning shopper

Black Friday is coming! Black Friday is coming!

Anyone who tries to pawn anyone off on someone else from monetary gain knows that we only have a few days to tell everyone what they must purchase for their own close kith and kin and also make sure to only stock half of it to drive up prices.

So I thought what better way then to present my own Gift Guide, all courtesy of Etsy. Today I did a little slogging through what they claim is the Geekery section though there's about 1 and 1/2 things here that I'd consider geeky.

1. For Mom - Like a mother's free time the cicada only appears once every 14 years and what better way to celebrate that than with this brooch? I can already picture Christmas morning as she unwraps her present from you and screams before pulling out a frying pan and smashing it to bits.
2. For Dad - If you have a Dad with narcolepsy or one that you feel just sleeps too much gift him this Cheshire Cat inspired wallet. You may want to throw a pair of ear plugs in for Mom so she can sleep through the inevitable night terrors and screams every time he goes to dig out his wallet.
3. For Your Pregnant Sister- Because there's nothing a pregnant woman wants to see more than the disembodied head of a child that was cracked open so a small pot of fake grass could be shoved inside its brain.
4. For Grandma - I'd like to think this one is completely self explanatory. What old lady doesn't want a throw pillow in her parlor of a set of breasts complete with nipples from a baby's bottle?
5. For a Teacher - She can use it to teach the children that "Everyone Poops" but not everyone's poop comes in spurs and is clearly dead. Works best for High school or college professors.
6. For Nephew - If his parents have been talking about getting him the latest Pokemon game/movie it is your God given duty to get him this picture so every time he looks at it he'll be reminded that the path of Pokemon is the path of a soulless existence to hell.

7. For a teenage - They will be the talk of the school when they wear this bright pink shark to school strapped securely to their head. Extra points if you can get one to match their prom dress and insist they take pictures wearing it.
8. For anyone else - Who wouldn't kill for a jellyfish vomiting up its latest dinner? Or maybe it's giving birth after slamming a bag of skittles. Regardless, everyone will love you for bringing this joy into their life.
If you follow my gift suggestions there is a very good chance your friends and family will never talk to you again and you won't have to buy them another present next year.

1 comment:

chompermom said...

Did you know that if you take the Pok off of Pokemon, and add a d, it spells demon? haha. Just a little ex-southern, ex-fundamentalist humor for ya.