Friday, January 9, 2009

Blast from the past

I've been digging somewhat through my archives (makes this place sound ancient) and came across a bit of satire I wrote early on before anyone was really aware I had a blog or that it was a nice place to stop by for a hot dog and a cup of joe (note we do not serve nor have we ever served hot dogs or cups of coffee).

On this rather dull friday I thought it'd be fun to share again.

So here, from last April, is my Bridesmaid Bootcamp:

I have created a wonderful program to whip your girls into shape and get them ready for the best day of your life!

Welcome to Bridesmaid BootCamp!

The first week is spent getting them into the right mind set. We limit their food to just mind numbing gruel and water. This will bend their minds so that no matter how ugly of a dress you choose for them, they'll gladly pony up $300 and even think that it makes them look gorgeous. (For an extra day we can also convince them that those 4 inch stilettos with the huge bows and rhinestones they have to pay for are a dream come true.)

But you don't just want your girls to stand up there, looking like fashion gone mad with a chainsaw, you also need them to donate weeks of their lives to helping you pull off the "Day to End all Days!"

Every bridesmaid must be efficient at filling out, addressing, and mailing your invitations. For 12 hours we'll set them up in an empty room with just a table, a chair, water, and your pile of invitations that absolutely have to go out in a day. For some extra money we'll also include our etiquette expert Rosco, to make sure that everything is spelled correctly and addressed just so.

For those brides trying to save some money, everyone needs some help with making favors/flowers/centerpieces and we can help there too. Most brides want to be there to make sure their girls are doing everything just right and perfect and we have a perfect solution. With a two-way mirror you can make sure that every ribbon is tied correctly and every flower petal is in the right place thanks to a horrible screech button. Every time a girl messes up just press the button and they will have a screech sound played over the loud speakers until they fix their mistake.

After all this work we know you feel like your girls deserve some thanks (even if we all know you deserved it for being THE BRIDE!) so this program also comes with their own thank you gifts - A coupon book for their city (highlights a $10 oil change), a pen with a flower on it (attached with scotch tape), some earrings just for that big day (will self destruct after 24 hours), and a thank you card that's had your name printed onto it.

Together, Bridesmaid BootCamp and you calling up your girls 12 hours a day we can give you the Perfect Day of Your Life.


Lindsey said...

HAHAHA too cute!

Globetrottingbride said...

That is the funniest post ever!!!

Adrienne said...

Too funny! And I love the picture to go with it!