Saturday, January 3, 2009

Out with the bathwater

Once the wedding is all over and you're ready to get back to real life it can sometimes be hard to accept the fact that no one really gives a crap anymore.

No one is going to ask you what the plans for your next dinner are, if you're nervous about going to get some milk, or where you're planning on spending your St. Patrick's day. It's amazing how everyone suddenly had to know all about you when you were a bride but once that ring goes on your finger they've already moved onto the next young woman ready to walk down the aisle.

When we went home to Chicago it became cemented in my mind what we have become: old hats.

Last year when we went back for Christmas everyone was all smiles and constantly asking us how things were going and if we needed any help. They were more than happy to make conversation.

This year there were plenty of times I'd be sitting at the kitchen table with his parents and it'd be stone silence. I suspect there is still a lot of regret and anger that I am the reason their son lives in Nebraska and didn't move back home. So the whole trip (which was a giant pain in the ass to make) we were treated as though we weren't really there. People would disappear and leave us alone for most of the day, we were left to fend for ourselves for most meals and never mind the weird looks we got for asking for a real bed.

To add insult to injury I had brought back all the wedding albums, wedding video, and invitation ornaments I'd worked very hard on. The album got a quick look through with a lot of heavy sighs and strange glances, the video was promptly forgotten and will probably never be seen and the bulbs stuck in a corner.

I have come to realize that my in-laws are; well, yuppies. They put much greater faith in something that everyone else does because that's what you're supposed to do. Buy pre-packaged and flavored almonds from an overrated specialty store? Good. Buy almonds in the shell and crack them yourself so they taste as fresh as possible? Weird, so that makes it bad.

My husband's sister is planning her own wedding and how while it is going to be much more elegant and fancier than ours it also comes across as very cookie cutter to me, but his parents are loving it. They did everything possible to avoid doing anything for our wedding citing that the groom's side isn't supposed to but now to me it's pretty obvious that they just hated all our ideas and the fact that we didn't do what everyone else did.

Now we've basically become family pariahs. No one wants to talk to us, we're viewed as weirdos that just don't fit in, and anything we do say is promptly ignored.

Is anyone else going through this? Now that the wedding is over does one side of the family treat you completely differently, especially if you had a wedding that was different? It just pisses me off to know that they all had a lot of fun at the time but it still wasn't good enough so they set all their hopes on his sisters.

I really do not want to attend her's considering how I'll just be pushed to the back, wearing an uncomfortable "black tie" dress, viewed as an outsider. Maybe I could catch the Hantavirus and stay home.


sammik said...

I'm so sorry that this is the case for you. I LOVED how your wedding was so full of yours and your husband's personalities.

My mother is the same as his parents...if it "hasn't been done before" (AKA SHE hasn't seen it), it's wrong. Good Lord I had to argue for three hours about the mismatched bridesmaids dresses, and she's not contributing a DIME to our wedding! She can't even remember what day our wedding is taking place.

But whatever...his parents/family can get over it. They obviously can't see what a wonderful girl you are, and they need to get over themselves and shut up. Let their daughter have a "perfect" cookie cutter wedding. She'll just be another one of billions and you'll be the one that offers inspiration to other soon-to-be-brides who want to be different.

Bride in Exile said...

I'm sorry your husband's family isn't more open to the new and the different. I feel that way often with my dad's family. I've always been the nerdy one on that side of the family (which they consider profoundly undesirable in someone with a XX chromosome) and if I turn down the Jell-o and coleslaw casserole or read a book instead of watching "According to Jim" I'm a "snob."
My coping strategy is to bring lots of books and try my hardest to be cheerful and interested in what they do, so I know that at least I did my best and if they think I'm a weirdo, well, that's that.

You know what they say: you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family.

Linda said...

Oh, I'm sorry. It sucks that they can't see that you and your husband expressed yourselves at the wedding. It was totally your wedding done as you wanted it. Even if it wasn't their style they shouldn't make you feel bad about it. Sorry that they made you feel bad.
All that being said you should feel bad for them. They don't have any creativity and they follow the crowd either cause they are scared or unable to figure things out for themselves. Be glad you'll never be them. Save your breath for people who want to hear about you-like us!
Your husband choose you and choose to be where you are. You didn't make him do anything, so get that out of your mind.

Jennifer said...

I'm not sure if this is comforting, or just sad, but that shower I wnet to today...the bride STOLE all our vendors, ideas, tricks and suprises. Like our hot dog cart, photographer, florist, mariachi band, dj AND caterer. She didn't even give me credit...

Carly said...

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. If it makes you feel any better, I'm still planning my wedding and most of the family doesn't really give a shit. Yes, the obligatory questions are asked, "How's wedding planning?!" and "Do you have your dress yet?!" But other than that, no one cares. My FI and I just had a huge fight with his parents on new year's day. I recounted some of the ugly tale on my blog. The bottom line is - you are fabulous...and in-laws often suck. Wish it weren't the case.

Sarah said...

Oh boo that's just no fun! You had the great wedding YOU wanted. It didn't have to be traditional - and you're the only person that had to love it.

megan said...

my family freaked out DURING the planning process when they started to see that I was throwing out most of the traditional b.s. But after having such fun at a non-traditional wedding it's all my family can talk about STILL. And I'm loving it. But I'm sorry that you're experiencing the opposite. eh, fuck 'em. There's people that "get it" and people that don't. They just don't.

Cate Subrosa said...

Sorry to hear you've been having a hard time with the in-laws.

I don't know whether it was because of the way we did things or what, but Nate's family expressed close to zero interest in our wedding the whole way through the planning. (I am suspicious it was because of the way we did it, namely that they thought they should have been bridesmaids, but guess we might never know.)

You should go to the wedding, though. Take the higher ground and show as much respect for her cookie cutter wedding as they should have shown for your alternative one. Set an example and show that it's the bride and groom's taste that counts, and whether you would do things differently or not, you're going to support them.

AmyJean said...

Isn't your wedding day uniquely yours? so why should they shun you for having a day that was celebrated for your love and reflected the two of you?

To each their own, I say... but i think your wedding was awesome and the pictures you showed, made it look like a TON of fun! Isn't that what counts at the end of the day - celebrating love... in CELEBRATION?!?!