Thursday, February 12, 2009

Doggie Love

Every year right around this time MSN starts putting up every single article it can get its hands on about love (I really can't imagine why). I have a theory that these are not penned by a person but instead written by a slightly sadistic dolphin who has a grudge and a team of monkeys that have their hands stuck in a cookie jar.

Just take a look at this one.

The first article is called “Love Lessons from Dogs?” The question mark on the end tells me that even they aren’t sure about this one, but it’s February so what the hell may as well publish it.

So in no particular order here is what your dog can teach you about love (aside from certain kama sutra positions).

  1. The reassurance of forgiveness
    According to the article a dog has the memory of a goldfish with a coke habit and will forgive you almost as soon as you break its poor little heart. This right off the bat tells me the author of this article has never had a dog in their life and maybe saw one on TV once.

    I have watched dogs who get angry at being left at home for good reasons get pissed and proceed to do just that to someones shoes, or after being yelled at too much by someone sort through the clean laundry to find that one persons belonging and proceed to rip them to shreds.

    If you were to apply a dogs approach to forgiveness to your love life then the second your lover say forgets to pick up the milk you will have to take a prized procession of theirs out to the yard and smash it with a hammer and then maybe pee on it for good measure.

  2. The security of unconditional love
    The article says "It's interesting to note that celebrities are over-the-top pet lovers," he says. "This is because their dogs really love them for who they are, not their A-list status; a dog will always treat you the same. Dogs offer truly substantive relationships in a way most people don't."

    I must agree, some dogs form an almost shall we say obsessive bond with one person. I've known a few that absolutely refuse to have anything to do with anyone other than their one love. I imagine that if Dogs had opposable thumbs we’d have a lot more “Spots” and “Fluffys” being burned into lawns with gasoline. If people had the same unconditional love as their dogs I imagine we’d be buried in restraining orders in the courts.

  3. The comfort of consistency
    From the article, "With dogs, regardless of your animal's personality, you pretty much get the same behavior unless he's ill.”

    I just have one thing to say to that, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Please, my sides are hurting. Dogs are never moody?! Oh God, can’t breathe.

  4. The need to be playful
    "The easiest way to burn out a working dog is to work him all the time — that pretty much goes for relationships as well.”

    So all you people out there that just got a lover so he or she could be in charge of running your house, keeping it clean, cooking your meals, and any other household business for the rest of their lives they probably won’t like it. And all it took was a dog to tell you that sometimes you have to do something fun or you’ll go mad. We should elect Lassie as the next Emperor of Earth!

  5. The importance of effective communication
    Did you know that the only way to get a dog to do what you want is to know how to communicate that to him. Well apparently that works the same for people.

    I could have sworn that we all had telepathic powers by now but this Dog article claims otherwise. So I guess we should start talking or something, maybe even invent some way to put our words to a physical form. I hear Cyril’s got his hand in making an alphabet so that should help.
Oh man these things just kill me. I have two more I found under my hat that are just asking for ridicule.

But what I really have to ask is just how does someone go about thinking they can pick some random object and decide it has all the answers of the universe when it comes to human nature? And if it’s so easy to get these published what does it pay?

I've always thought we could really learn how to be better people by mimicing a cuddlefish.


Leslie said...


Rachel said...

Oh God.... LOL!!!
Yeah, these sorts of articles remind me of some of those stupid writing assignments you'd get in high school and college. "Okay, Ted, I want you to write a paper about humans learning about love from dogs."

And yeah, I pretty much agree with you on most of the points. I have my little moody dog who doesn't like mornings much, I have one that LOVES me above all others, I have one who knows he can lick Chris' face until he's out of saliva but he better not lick mine, and I have one who is a little dog stuck in a big dog's body. At our old place, one of them when he would get mad at me would get a tissue or something out of the trash and shred it to pieces right inside the front door. And they totally know if they did something wrong - I can almost always tell who peed on the floor. I just look at it, and look around, and inevitably there will be one with his head lowered, skulking around, looking guilty.

Dogs are hilarious.