Diclaimer or whatever: As I hope you are well aware by now I barely even own the few jokes on this page much less anything involving some kind of new wave media empire.
Seducing the Enemy
Mike::A step by step process brought to you by the same author of "How to Sleep Your Way to the Top" and "Morals? Who Needs Morals?"
Author: Lady Ashley
Draco Malfoy lay idly on his bed,
Servo::(Draco)Maybe I should give up my bullying ways? It’s obvious that all of my name-calling and threats are causing people inextinguishable pain. Nah!
I mean gazing at the crystal ball his late grandmother had given him,
Crow::Yeah that’s what I really meant forget all that idly crap.
called a Diviner.
Mike::It was the latest in diving rod technology, a ball used to find water instead of that old forked stick.
He used it to organize his thoughts;
Servo::(Draco)Okay file the terrorizing of that village under "L" and schedule another attempt to destroy Harry Potter for tomorrow.
the magical orb showed his main thoughts-the object,
Crow::(Draco)I must have that object.
and the feeling about the object, represented through colour.
Mike::And is there a large market for these crystal balls? Are a lot of wizards and witches throwing up their hands saying, "I’m just not sure how I should feel about something until it shows up as a certain color in an overgrown marble!"
Black meant hate or loathing;
Crow::As well as tre chic in the winter.
grey meant indifference; white meant love;
Servo::At least the palantir is more useful than this ungainly mood ring.
red meant anger;
Mike::Or that you had left your crystal ball in the oven again.
orange meant liking; green meant envy;
Crow::because as everyone knows you can only feel one emotion at a time.
blue meant sadness, and so on.
Servo::Periwinkle meant you had a vague feeling you should not have had that pizza last night and Mocha Java represented a deep respect for shag carpeting.
The swirling silver depths
Mike::Wait, what does silver mean?
Crow::A deep hope that you will not have to be in any fanfics.
revealed a familiar figure-Hermione Granger,
Crow::And she was secretly sneaking off with over half of the books in the public library.
Mike::(Hermione)Stupid library and its rules, won’t let me check out more than twenty books at a time. They’ll regret the day they tangled with me.
and silver curtains pulled back to show deep black with angry red tendrils.
Servo::Then the nautilus surfaced and Captain Nemo fought valiantly against the hated Giant Red Squid.
Suddenly, he felt a little tugging on his feet.
Crow::(Draco)Stupid "thing" I guess I shouldn’t have tried to turn a watch into a dog. You’re worse than that cat/hat creature.
He sighed, and carefully packed away the delicate orb in his schoolbags.
Mike::As his book on monsters crunched happily on the crystal.
He hurriedly walked down the stairs, as the Summoning became more urgent.
Servo::Pulling his hair out by the clumpfulls and knocking two teeth out.
Lucius Malfoy Apparated at the foot of the stairs just as he reached them.
Crow::(Draco)Would you knock that off Dad! You were just in the kitchen. How hard is it to walk two feet without having the fear of appearing inside someone?
"What is it?" he sighed impatiently.
Mike::(Draco)I have to get back to being melancholy.
"What took you so long?" he snapped.
Servo::(Lucius)You know I’ve dedicated every moment to evil. You try explaining to my supervisor why I wasn’t being malevolent just now.
"And don't speak with that impertinent tone!
Crow::(Lucius)Try more of a saucy tone.
It is 'Father, pardon,
Mike::But I must be off ripping the wings off bugs.
but for which purpose have you summoned this lowly servant into your presence?'
Servo::(Draco)Isn’t that what Dobby’s supposed to say?
Crow::(Lucius)Hey I spent almost two days thinking that greeting up, someone’s gonna use it.
Lord Voldemort would never permit such things.
Mike::But since he’s not here, who cares!
Straighten up!" He struck a sharp blow onto his back.
Crow::(Draco)Dad, why did you hit yourself?
Servo::(Lucius)New implement by the Ministry of Magic, every time you say Voldemort’s name you have to hit yourself. Hand me that newspaper, son.
Draco hid a wince, knowing from experience that crying out or showing any sign of emotion would result in another blow.
Mike::(Lucius)Emotions are best left to Muggles and colorful balls.
"Father, pardon, but for which purpose have you summoned this lowly servant into your presence?"
Servo::(Lucius)Nah that’s not right. Maybe there was more of a quiver in the voice. Man do I miss that house-elf.
Crow::(Lucius)All Right. Look. I’ve been asked to hide this here. Shipment of Periods. That. Uh. Fell off a truck.
Wipe that insubordinate expression of your face.
Mike::Soldier and give me thirty push-ups.
The Dark Lord has a task for you."
Servo::He needs you to wash his car.
Draco raised a fair eyebrow.
Crow::And lowered his cheating eyebrow.
The Dark Lord rarely assigned "tasks" to those not bound to his service;
Mike::What with not wanting to get caught and destroyed and all.
Servo::(Voldemort)I just knew it was a bad idea to give Dumbledore one of my most important tasks. New rule, next regime only tell those who are under our control our secret plans.
those without the Dark Mark
Crow::If Marky-Mark and Darth Vader had a baby.
tattooed onto his shoulder.
Mike::Instead the Dark Lord only assigned tasks to those tattooed with his favorite mark, a purple fairy frolicking in the mists.
Draco was practically a Death Eater,
Servo::So he’s a zombie?
being raised the son of one,
Crow::But so far Draco was just one belt below Death Eater and was stuck at Blueberry Pie Eater.
and the Mark would not be imbedded onto his shoulder until the end of his Hogwarts career,
Mike::After he gets kicked out of school, goes on a drinking binge, and crashes his broom through the Eiffel Tower.
when he was out of the sight of that fool Muggle-loving Dumbledore.
Servo::He can’t help it, he just loves people who buy lottery tickets and used cars from people named Crazy.
But it was looming ahead, as he was starting his seventh year in a week.
Crow::Of course ever since that rather large explosion in charms he hadn’t been able to remember the other six years and was going to have to repeat them all.
"The Dark Lord," he continued, "wishes for you to seduce the witch Hermione Granger,
Mike::Now now, there’s no need to call people names.
and then to discard you for the trash she is."
Servo::(Draco)Wait, why do I have to get a sex change Dad?
Crow::(Lucius)Because it’s the only way I know how to discard you like trash.
Draco, having been trained not to show most emotion,
Mike::That’s what all of his mood objects were for.
almost slipped when he heard the task.
Servo::(Draco)I get to throw something away! Cool.
"This will result in her breaking,
Crow::All of your bones.
and that is one less piece of garbage we will have to worry about.
Mike::I cannot illustrate how much that one girl is like garbage.
It will not be hard for you,
Servo::Mr. Don Juan.
and although you would sully yourself with a Mudblood, you are growing to be my image,
Mike::So people will expect you to only date Mudblood’s at best.
and so are quite handsome-I saw some Pureblood witches practically panting over you,"
Crow::That was during Pavlov’s course while the bell was ringing.
he said amusedly. Draco managed a small grin.
Servo::(Draco)But Dad, why would the Dark Lord care about an 18 year old girl?
Mike::(Lucius)We need someone on the inside. That’s why you’re going to kick Hermione out, get that sex change, and become the newest Gryffindor Girl.
"Since you are to be Head Boy and she Head Girl, you will be in close confines with her.
Servo::Look you don’t need to keep revving him up for the task. He’s an eighteen year old male. He heard the word "girl" and he was ready.
She is the head of the year,"
Crow::In the school’s production of Ichabod Crane.
Mike::Poor Ron’s stuck starring as the Headless Horseman’s Horse.
Lucius gave him a sharp look,
Servo::(Lucius)I want you to be the foot of the year.
"due to your failings.
Crow::I knew it was stupid to try and bribe that damn poltergeist. Where was he going to keep the money anyway? His transparent pockets?
I cannot see how a Mudblood like her could be the head of the year," he muttered angrily,
Mike::As I just cheated and scammed my way through school. Now how do I turn your mother back from a chicken?
"but she is, and a powerful witch.
Servo::She could nag you to death if you didn’t finish your homework.
She is to be on of Dumbledore's most instrumental tools,
Crow::She’s going to act as his new chalk tray.
and the breaking of her will be a hurt into their side indeed.
Mike::Or you could just stab them in the side.
The Dark Lord expects this task to be completed,
Servo::Or he won’t let you get the blue key and pass to the next level.
as your final task in showing your loyalty to him."
Mike::By giving him back his beloved Mood Crystal Ball.
Crow::(Draco)Fine, I never really wanted it anyway.
Draco nodded, he wanted to be a Death Eater more than anything.
Servo::I never knew the position of Zombie was so well respected.
Mike::(Draco)Yum, rotting flesh.
Never mind Crouch,
Servo::He’d just claim another injury, skip out of another team, and pout on the sidelines.
Crow::You do realize that the only people who will get that joke are Nebraska fans?
Servo::Oh like that’s a lot better than your Pavlov mess.
he did not matter.
Mike::He was so unimportant, he didn’t even need an introduction.
HE would be the Dark Lord's right hand man,
Crow::I would never want to be an evil guy’s right hand man, you’re always the first to die the minute Bond shows up.
and would prove it to him.
Servo::By finally taking a bath.
He was slightly iffy about seducing the Mudblood though.
Mike::(Draco)Ah maybe I could just say I seduced her and throw some pudding at her or something.
He hated her, she was ALWAYS trying to be better,
Crow::Improving’s for losers.
trying to be perfect.
Servo::(Draco)Why can’t everyone be like me and try to fail at everything.
Mike::Well at least he has Neville as one supporter.
HE was supposed to be the head of the year, not her.
Crow::That was what his horoscope had promised.
Servo::Ah a Virgo let’s see, Today you shall be ordered to seduce a witch of questionable heritage that studies too much for her own well being.
He scowled, remembering the globe.
Mike::(Draco)When I said I wanted to own the world, I didn’t mean this Encyclopedia Britannica reject.
He must remember not to make his dislike so obvious if he was to go about attracting her.
Crow::Yeah girls do tend to not date you when you, their sworn enemy, starts scowling at them.
Malfoy subconsciously straightened his robe with a little spell
Servo::Because as everyone knows it’s so much easier to dig through your pockets for your wand, point it at yourself, and mumble something in Latin then simply pulling on the bottom of your robe.
as he got ready to perform Mission Impossible-
Mike::Your mission should you choose to accept it, you must sneak into Filtch’s office and make off with the latest copy of Harry Potter and the Franchise Shall Not Be Stopped.
entice Hermione Granger, his worst enemy.
Crow::Who gives a shit about Harry? It’s not like the series is named after him or anything.
He performed another spell,
Servo::To place his right foot forward, then his left.
Mike::I’m really surprised his muscles haven’t atrophied by now.
a complicated trick that did not made him invisible;
Crow::Which was good as he was trying to conjure up a purple mouse instead.
Servo::So he became a nerd.
Crabbe and Goyle didn't know about his assignment;
Mike::They were still trying to figure out who the dish ran away with.
it was top secret.
Crow::Which was why Draco had only told about thirty people.
He blew a stray lock out of his face,
Servo::With his wand, which released a bunch of sparks from overuse and caused his hair to catch fire.
Mike::(Pomfrey)Another wand exploded? I told you they need an oil change every 30,000 miles.
and opened the compartment door.
Crow::And as the Fat Lady was off chumming it up with the Mona Lisa and Bainsborough’s Blue Boy he didn’t need a password.
Inside was Potty and the Weasel, playing Wizard's Chess.
Servo::(Potty)Oh hi Draco.
Mike::(Weasel)What’s up Draco? Your move Potty.
Servo::(Potty)You know, I’m starting to regret this name change.
Hermione was sitting with a book covering her face.
Crow::(Hermione)Damn, I really thought that would work.
Mike::(Ron)Give it up, you can’t learn by osmosis in the Muggle or the Wizarding world.
Just then, Weasel's pawn took Potter's king, in a violent smash.
Servo::Which was a real shocker as Potter was sitting clear across the room watching Potty and Weasel play.
Potter slumped in his seat as Weasley cheered.
Crow::(Ron)Ha ha my chess piece almost broke off your finger.
Mike::You know I really would not want to play the Hogwarts version of Sorry.
Crow::You could end up sliding clear across the room and through a few walls.
Suddenly, Potter looked up
Servo::(Harry)I sense danger!
Mike::(Ron)Whatever you say Pumaman.
and spotted Malfoy who had dropped the spell as soon as the door closed behind him.
Crow::Which in retrospect was pretty stupid as he wasn’t supposed to be in there in the first place.
He muttered something to the flaming-haired beggar,
Servo::Poor Surtur has really hit the skids ever since the ‘80’s ended.
who visibly stiffened.
Mike::Gryffindor likes to keep a corpse around, for "practice."
He put a hand on his shoulder
Crow::You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out, you put your right hand in, and you shake it all about.
Servo::(Harry)Oh no, the dreaded Hokey-Pokey spell!
to keep him from whirling around and snapping at him.
Mike::Draco refrained from turning Ron into an alligator.
Draco bit back a snide retort.
Crow::(Draco)I knew I shouldn’t have eaten Michael Moore’s book.
'Remember, you're supposed to attract the Mudblood, not repulse her.'
Servo::(Ron)Then maybe you should have put some pants on.
Weasley turned slowly in his seat.
Mike::(Ron)WHEEEEE! Faster, I want to go faster!
"What do you want, Malfoy?" he asked with a deadly calm.
Crow::Today we have a 99.9% chance of getting stuck in the eye of Hurricane Weasley.
Hermione chose that moment to stick a bookmark in her book,
Servo::You mean she didn’t just memorize the exact page she left off?
Mike::As Neville ripped out the page in his book to remind him where he stopped.
'101 Complicated Potions'
Crow::Actually, it’s more like 57 potions.
Servo::Yeah, the author got sick of writing half way through and just started to copy potions from earlier.
and give him a look.
Crow::(Draco)For me? But I didn’t get you anything.
Mike::(Hermione)Take it, once my cauldron is done bubbling I won’t be needing it anymore.
Draco nearly gasped,
Servo::As the rest of the Gryffindors noticed that little worm in their dorm and dog piled on him.
she was astoundingly different,
Crow::She had her own set of horse legs and was covered in canary feathers.
Mike::(Hermione)Don’t try to watch animal planet while studying spells.
reminiscent of that night at the fourth year Yule Ball.
Mike::When Draco had drunk some of the spiked punch and became so paranoid he hid in a suit of armor for three days.
Her frizzy, curly hair had straightened a little,
Crow::(Hermione)I knew it was stupid to help out that Magneto at the Statue of Liberty.
Servo::No he said straightened not white.
Crow::Shut up, it’s still funny.
and her hair was in a messy bun,
Mike::Sticky to be precise.
with a few strands framing her face.
Servo::That’s pretty bad when your own hair has turned against you.
She had light makeup on,
Crow::I wouldn’t want to trust makeup from Diagon alley.
Mike::One wrong move and your face could vanish permenetly.
pronouncing her high cheekbones and full lips.
Servo::(Harry)Pst Ron, why has Draco been staring at Hermione for the past hour?
Crow::(Ron)I don’t know but I can’t wait to see what she’s going to do to him. I hope she turns him into some type of small reptile, a skink perhaps.
The tastefully applied, light makeup was a joy to the eyes,
Mike::Somehow I don’t think Draco ever really wanted to grow up to be a wizard.
Crow::(Draco)Ding-Dong, Avon calling.
a welcome change from the heavily- loaded,
Servo::Gun packing psychos that Draco was usually around.
makeup dripping face of Pansy Parkinson, who had been hanging around him ever since the fourth year Yule Ball.
Mike::(Pansy)Come on, when am I gonna get that money you promised. You said you’d give me ten Galleons if I went to that stupid ball with you, now fork it over.
He cursed the day he had asked her to the ball.
Crow::(Draco)Okay so far my mortal enemies are Hermione Granger, who I can’t seem to stop staring at, and a calendar.
She was always trying to persude him to make love to her,
Crow::And you call this a children’s book?!
Servo::For goodness sakes, decapitating Orcs is better than this!
but he refused,
Mike::Because it was gross.
Crow::(Draco)Do you ever think you’re only going with girls because you’re supposed to?
refusing to lose his virginity to such a pig.
Servo::(Lucius)Draco, get out of that sty.
His eyes drew to hers, which were a dark brown, with golden flecks.
Crow::(Draco)Look there’s the snitch!
Mike::(Harry)Poor devil, ever since he chased that golden winged ball straight into that electrical fence he just hasn’t been the same.
Those eyes were now glaring at him pointedly.
Servo::Because he’d spent the past few hours staring at an empty spot as Hermione went about her normal day. Now Seamus was sick of Draco giving him the eye.
He revived himself, shaking his head a bit.
Crow::Causing one of the bones in his ear to dislodge and puncture into his brain.
"Well?" she said in a light, musical voice.
Mike::(Hermione)Damn, I thought that stupid siren spell was supposed to have worn off by now.
"I-well, I-" he stammered, for the first time in his life lost for words.
Servo::At least as far as he could remember. Stupid memory charms and their tendency to backfire.
He had not thought much about hot
Crow::Instead he spent most of his days focusing on cool.
he was going to go about it.
Mike::Planning just like improving is for losers.
Then, suddenly, the Malfoy pride and calm took over.
Crow::As he sneered at Harry, made fun of the fact that his parents were dead and left the Gryffindor common room.
"I would like to apologize for being to cruel to you, Granger.
Mike::(Hermione)Ha ha ha oh my God, Ron you have to hear this.
Mike::(Hermione)The little ferret just apologized, he he, to me. Oh man my sides hurt.
Servo::(Ron)What’s the matter little Dracky? Afraid big powerful witch Hermione’s gonna turn you into a toad? Would you just get out of here.
Crow::(Draco)Uh . . .
Mike::(Hermione)Oh great, he’s stuck again.
We all need to work together to beat Voldemort," he said smoothly.
Servo::(Neville)Really? That’s great because I’ve been working on my freezing spell all day, see watch.
Crow::(Draco)What? Not you you little . . .
Servo::(Neville)Whoops, maybe you should start thinking about hot now.
I wasn't terribly surprised
Mike::People break into magically locked rooms all the time.
when Malfoy came to our compartment,
Servo::And stared at me for three hours straight while Harry and Ron made goofy faces behind his back.
because he did it every year.
Crow::Every year he would apologize to you and claim he wanted to kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I’m starting to get a bad feeling we’re stuck in a time loop.
What I was surprised at was his change of appearance.
Mike::(Hermione)For some reason he decided to forgo a shirt in favor of painting himself olive green and had a floor length skirt on.
Crow::(Draco)I’m the screaming leprechaun. AHHHH!!!
The scrawny shoulders were gone,
Servo::Now his shoulders were attached to his body by a new hipbone.
Crow::The better question is whom he stole that hip from.
replaced by well-built shoulders,
Servo::Formed of a mitrhil and steel alloy.
and apparent well-defined biceps,
Mike::Did a butcher get a hold of Malfoy and diagram out all his body parts?
Crow::Now here in the chest is where we remove the brisket meat, and of course the most expensive is the loin running down the back.
from what I could tell, under his cloak.
Servo::(Ron)What in the hell are you wearing? What happened to your robes?
Crow::(Draco)I’m Batman! Wheeeee.
Mike::(Harry)I am very glad I ended up in Gryffindor house, ever since that asbestos leak none of the Slytherins have been the same.
His fair hair, usually slicked back, was spiked slightly;
Servo::Oh so Malfoy’s into pub-rock now.
Crow::(Malfoy)Someone play Tub Thumping!
in the same fashion,
Mike::As a porcupine.
I noted amusedly, that most Muggle seventeen-year old guys wore.
Servo::Only teenagers would feel the need to model fashion statements after a small mammal’s natural defense.
Crow::I hear the next thing to catch on is to grab your Big Mac and fries, waddle down to a stream, and wash it repeatedly before eating.
Ron's eyes nearly bulged out when Malfoy apologized,
Mike::(Ron)I knew there was something wrong with that Chocolate Frog.
Servo::(Harry)Hit the deck, his eyes are about to blow!
and Harry looked quite suspicious.
Crow::If you had been plagued by constant death threats like Harry you’d have a serious psychological episode too.
Servo::(Harry)Trust no one. They’re all out to get me. Can’t sleep. Gonna die.
I myself was very on guard.
Mike::(Hermione)So I took a summer job as a Beefeater, and that’s why I have this cool hat.
This was crazy.
Mike::How could prices possibly be this low.
Malfoy, the guy who had been tormenting me throughout my Hogwarts career,
Crow::As well as Snape, a Troll, Lockhart, that Basilisk, Dementors, Voldemort, you know you might actually want to sit down for this.
Servo::Really? Because no matter how many times you say it we’re never going to believe you!
"I don't believe you," I heard myself say.
Crow::At least I think it was myself, although I did kind of sound like a small gumball machine with ineffective arms.
The effect was quite amusing.
Mike::(Hermione)I always love it when I say things against my own will. Makes me feel myself smile every time.
Malfoy looked stunned. I suppose no one had ever refused him in his life.
Servo::Yeah that’s why Harry had willingly joined up with Malfoy’s evil forces from the first moment they met. Oh wait.
"What?" was all he could say.
Crow::So he couldn’t apologize then? I’m getting lost.
"I said," I said
Servo::that I said, I said.
Mike::(Hermione)That you remind me of a white vole trying to disguise himself as a porcupine for Halloween.
Crow::(Ron)No you didn’t.
Mike::(Hermione)Don’t get me started on you Fury.
"that I do not believe you.
Servo::As I actually have a brain cell in my head.
And why should I? You've tormented me for my whole life.
Crow::(Hermione)Ever since I was two.
This could just be a ploy to trick me and my friends."
Mike::Trying to be civil and all, nothing could be more evil.
A spasm of what looked suspiciously like-fear?
Servo::Or was it the new Bertie Bott’s Flavor Laxative bean?
-passed fleetingly across his face, until the trademark calm mask slid in.
Mike::Get yer Draco Malfoy masks! No matter what type of emotional calamity you are in just slip ‘em on and watch as everyone runs shrieking from the room.
"I assure you, Granger, that I am not lying."
Crow::(Draco)I am incapable of lying, ha ha, no really, *snort* I’ve never told a lie in my life.
Servo::(Harry)Well as I have never been able to refuse him I have to agree.
Mike::(Ron)You know for never being able to say anything Draco sure does talk a lot.
"Swear it on the crest of Slytherin," I said calmly,
Crow::(Draco)All right fine, I swear that the crest of Slytherin isn’t lying.
meeting his quicksilver eyes.
Servo::He has a teenage ghost living in his eyes?
Mike::Man suddenly Myrtle’s gig is looking up.
His mouth hung slightly open, as a silent protest came from his mouth.
Crow::(Draco)I don’t wanna swear, you can’t make me you filthy bastards.
"As you cannot prove you aren't lying,
Servo::One of us always lies, the other always tells the truth choose wisely.
Mike::Okay, no Labyrinth jokes. There’s already enough fantasy in here.
I suggest that you leave the way you came,"
Crow::As opposed to jumping out the window of a speeding train and rolling off a cliff.
Servo::Hermione must be in a forgiving mood today.
I said, inclining my head at the door.
Mike::Because her hands were too busy conjuring up a spell to tie her shoelaces.
He swallowed, fair brows knitting.
Crow::The sun is high in the sky, I am restless.
"I swear," he said, placing his hand on the crest of Slytherin on his cloak,
Servo::So he put his hand on his back?
Mike::(Ron)Quick Hermione, make him swear on his trousers.
Crow::(Harry)No his shoes, go for the shoes.
"that I am not
lying." I smiled sweetly at him, and he performed his trademark smirk.
Mike::At the London playhouse.
I soon wiped it off.
Crow::Ever since that Etch-a-Sketch accident, it’s been real easy to wipe Malfoy’s face.
"That was nice. Now, get out." Ron snorted, Harry sniggered.
Servo::Draco laughed, no wait.
Malfoy's mouth hung open in surprise. He was obviously expected
Mike::(Draco)Excuse me Madam for I am expected in the next compartment for a small game of wisp. I duff my hat to you and take my leave.
a weak-kneed fainting girl.
Crow::(Draco)Actually the sex change isn’t supposed to take place until I get rid of you, oops. Too much information, forget I just told you the Dark Lord’s orders.
Mike::(Hermione)That’s what Harry’s here for.
Crow::(Harry)Ha ha, hey.
Finally, the scarlet train pulled up to the great castle.
Servo::After taking a jaunt through the Forbidden Forest, flattening Hagrid’s shack, and terrorizing the giant squid in the lake.
The three friends were still snickering when they got off.
Mike::Man I never knew half Giants could run so fast.
Crow::And those centaurs, oh boy were they freaked out when we started training in on ‘em.
Servo::Did you see the merpeople swearing at us outside the windows? What a riot.
They waved to Hagrid,
Mike::who was visibly shaken after his new near death experience.
Crow::(Hagrid)I’d always known I couldn’ be trusted around technology. Remember back when my hand had gotten stuck in that toaster?
who was packing first years onto the chilly lake.
Servo::(Hagrid)All right, that’s it. Everyone keep walking into the lake.
Mike::(Harry)What are you doing?
Servo::(Hagrid)We had a terribly dry year last spring, so Dumbledore ordered me to fill this here lake with bodies until the water line was back to normal.
"My God, Hermione, I can't believe you just told Malfoy to go away-just like that!" Ron chortled.
Crow::Ron’s a little slow today.
Mike::(Hermione)Well I’m glad you enjoyed that and all Ron but that was almost three hours ago . . . hey what happened to my time traveling watch? Harry?!
Servo::(Harry)He he he.
When everyone filed into the Great Hall,
Crow::The newest Dark Arts teacher, who was nothing more than a leg an eye and part of a hand, spotted Harry and drug him away on trumped up charges.
Mike::(Hermione)You know after seven years you’d think we’d learn to never let Harry wander off alone with the newest professor who no doubt has some evil plot in mind for him. Oh well.
including the thoroughly chilled first-years,
Servo::(First year 1)Yeah I was traveling in the second boat with this large guy covered in tattoos when suddenly this huge white whale surfaced and the guy went nuts. We almost capsized.
Crow::(First year 2)Really? All we did was accidentally discover Atlantis.
Servo::(First year 1)Better luck next time.
the Sorting began.
Mike::(McGonagall)All right look, the Sorting hat is sick and tired of you people browbeating and questioning his decisions and has quit. So from now on we’re going to use this sorting mace. Just club yourself in the face to make it work.
As Hermione had seen five of these already, she sat back,
Crow::Jeering and catcalling all the scared eleven year olds on stage.
contemplating Malfoy's so called "apology".
Mike::(Hermione)Maybe by doubting my own simple decisions for eternity I will be able to score some more points for Gryffindor.
Dumbledore stood up, jolting Hermione out of her reverie.
Servo::(Dumbledore)I’ve only got one thing to say, I’ve got a live wombat living under my hat. Thank you.
Crow::(Snape)He is getting weirder and weirder with every passing day.
Servo::(Dumbledore)Let’s all go slip-and-sliding down the great hall!
"Welcome, welcome everyone!
Mike::Now get the hell out.
I hope your heads haven't gotten TOO empty over the summer!
Crow::(Dumbledore)Sorry Nearly Headless Nick.
So, now I would like to announce the Head Girl and Boy!
Servo::(Dumbledore)Because even though I have never done this any previous year it seems to be important to certain people’s plots.
The Head Girl is an exemplary student,
Mike::(Dumbledore)Because the Neo-Nazis over here wouldn’t let me choose the worst male student to be head girl.
who also helps other students in their academics,
Crow::That is to say if those other students have very red hair or a lightning shaped scar on their foreheads.
and also participates in some," he coughed lightly, "unusual activities.
Servo::You know, bathing in blood by the pale moonlight.
Mike::(Dumbledore)Or I’ll turn you all into headless snakes! Sorry again Nick.
Hermione Granger!" Hermione let out an excited squeal.
Crow::(Hermione)Me, why I never knew. You like me, you really like me.
Servo::(Harry)Hasn’t she known about this since the middle of summer?
Mike::(Ron)Yes and if I have to hear her practice one more acceptance speech I’m gonna scream!
She walked up to the table, blushing.
Crow::As everyone else glared at her, waiting for her to get off the damn stage so they could eat.
She accidentally caught a glance at Draco Malfoy who was being panted over by Pansy Parkinson, and nearly gagged at the sight.
Mike::(Hermione)I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that chocolate frog. Harry and Ron were laughing way too hard for it to have been anything good.
"And now, let me have the pleasure of introducing our Head Boy,
Servo::(Dumbledore)I mean uh Professor Snape.
Mike::(Hagrid)Are yeh all right sir?
Servo::(Dumbledore)Am I even close?
another great student, and who participates in many athletic activities-
Crow::Of course since we only have one I guess it’s not really that difficult.
Mike::(Dumbledore)Thanks to him we now have a new Squash court. What? Oh right, play down the whole bribe thing.
Hermione's jaw went slack and Ron nearly fell out of his seat.
Servo::(Ron)I found my dropped butter pat.
"MALFOY IS HEAD BOY?" Ron squeaked.
Crow::Apparently Harry had used this distraction in order to sneak into the Forbidden Forrest to destroy the Minotaur that was trying to take over the world, or something.
Draco was looking quite smug.
Crow::Oh no, no Smaug jokes. You already had your chance.
Hermione was absolutely horrified.
Mike::You mean they now not only have house-elves working as slaves but also leprechauns, dwarves, gnomes, and they shipped in some Orcs from the east?
She moaned, and put her head on her hands.
Crow::(Hermione)I knew I should have killed him last year, but oh no Harry had to stop me.
Servo::(Harry)Hey I’m supposed to do everything he tells me and he told me to stop you. I don’t see a way around it.
Malfoy glanced at Hermione as he walked back from accepting the pin,
Mike::(Hermione)Oh no I’m going down!
Crow::(Harry)Wait I’m confused, why did Dumbledore just stick a bowling pin to her?
Servo::(Dumbledore)Because I’m insane! WHEEEE!!
and her head was on her hands.
Mike::(Ron)Ah, Hermione’s head just fell off!
She looked like she was in pain,
Servo::As Draco stabbed her with his fork.
Crow::(Draco)What? Oh right, stabbing her won’t make Hermione date me. Got it.
Mike::Actually she was giggling insanely as her new pet tribble tried to jump out of her pocket. Ron’s just not very good with emotions.
He gave a disgusted look at Pansy
Servo::Since she was holding up a rather large mirror.
Crow::(Draco)I love the way my lip curls when I sneer at people. Hello in there.
as she simpered and nearly drooled,
Mike::(Pansy)I knew I shouldn’t have let the dentist numb my entire jaw for one little cavity.
patting the seat beside her suggestively.
Servo::Too bad the seat was really Crookshanks.
Crow::(Draco)Okay okay, don’t sit on her cat. I got it.
"C'mon, Head Boy!"
Mike::Let’s see what you’re made of.
Servo::You know it’s really not nice to call pubescent teenage males "Head Boy."
Crow::Wasn’t that your nickname in high school Nelson?
Mike::I’m watching you.
Why? Why did he have to ask her to the Yule Ball?
Servo::Why couldn’t his father accept that he really wanted to ask Crabbe.
Ever since, she had been clinging to him like.
Servo::Someone who can’t even finish his own sentence?
he didn't KNOW anything
Crow::(Da Vinci)All right I’m done proving Sir Isaac Newton’s theories of gravity ad infinity, now let’s go on to prove how empty Draco’s mind is.
clingier than Pansy.
Servo::(Sam)In my own gardening experience I have found that most vines are in fact clingier than a simple pansy.
He instead sat between Crabbe and Goyle,
Crow::(Draco)You; Crabmeat, Goiter move the hell over or I’ll have your parents killed.
who weren't much better.
Mike::Than a root canal.
Servo::(Pansy)Speak for yourself. *Slurp*
They were talking in low voices,
Crow::(Crabbe)So then see, the cat came out of the hat and said all the kids were going to play instead of clean up like their mother said.
Mike::(Goyle)Wow, then what happened.
and glancing at Hermione-like-like
Crow::(Draco)Like I still don’t know what.
Servo::(Dumbledore)Draco would you please stop creating analogies of everything in this room and shut your mouth.
Crow::(Draco)Dumbledore was like, like, as if, a like . . . I give up.
she was a cut of meat or something.
Mike::I’d like a pound of brisket, two pounds of loin, oh and a side of Hermione please.
He leaned in to hear their whispers.
Servo::Which was rather odd because he was sitting in between them.
Mike::(Crabbe)Ouch boss, do you have to keep banging your head into mine? Your ear’s almost in my mouth.
"The Mudblood sure has cleaned up, hasn't she?"
Servo::(Crabbe)I wish we could figure out how to.
Crow::(Snape)You’re telling me? You should try smelling you guys with a nose like this.
Crabbe said predatorily.
Mike::Somehow it doesn’t surprise me that in the future Crabbe will be registering himself as a sex offender.
"Yeah," Goyle grunted, licking his lips.
Crow::(Goyle)Why do these castles have to have such low humidity? My poor lips can’t take this heat.
Malfoy recoiled in disgust.
Servo::He was the one who wanted to wet those lips.
Mike::Are you quite done?
He knew them well enough to know what they planned.
Crow::would have no way of working out.
Servo::If you re-arrange the letters in their names you’ll come up with Rube Goldberg.
Mike::R-G-U? No you won’t.
And it was defintley NOT good.
Servo::And would end in at least five deaths.
Crow::(Draco)Should be fun to watch though.
A few days later, Hermione walked through the shadowed halls,
Mike::(Hermione)I know my classroom is somewhere around here. Damn it! Why do you walls have to keep shifting? Someone could get trapped in here.
Servo::(Ron)You know I don’t think I’ve seen Neville for almost a week now.
Crow::(Voice in walls)Help! Help me.
clutching her things to her chest.
Mike::I’m sure her cat really loved that.
She suddenly saw some movement in the shadows, and a quiet curse. She giggled,
Servo::(Hermione)I love it when people swear at me.
"Harry! Ron! Come out, I know you're there!" But there was no answer.
Crow::Hello and if you are joining us for the first time, Hogwart’s International Game of Hide and Seek has just hit its third hour. Currently Miss Hermione Granger is the one who is "it." Join us at eleven for another update.
Her brows creased and all of a sudden two very large figures leaped onto her.
Mike::(Hagrid)Hermione, I’m so sorry. I ne’er meant for them hares to get loose.
Servo::(Hermione)Hagrid why do you have twenty foot tall pink rabbits?
Mike::(Hagrid)Er, Easter gift?
She caught a glimpse of squished faces and heavy builds,
Crow::It was the dreaded Pugogriff.
Servo::Anyone else get the feeling that the Forbidden Forrest is really just a front for the Island of Dr. Moreau?
and instantly knew who her assailants were.
Mike::As she was now staring at them.
"Crabbe! Goyle! Get off of me, now!" she screamed.
Crow::And stop eating that peanut butter and onion sandwich just on culinary principal alone.
She grabbed frantically for her wand,
Servo::(Harry)So Ron what do you wanna do first with Hermione’s wand?
Mike::(Ron)I dunno . . . wait, let’s play pick-up-sticks!
but they had already removed her cloak-and her shirt.
Crow::Which she kept in her trunk along with all of her Muggle clothes when she wore her robes.
Mike::(Hermione)Are you quite done?
Servo::(Crabbe)Sorry but we were put in charge of contraband search. You got any alcohol in this here shampoo bottle?
Mike::(Hermione)Why don’t you drink it and find out.
She shrieked even louder as they went for her jeans.
Crow::(Hermione)No, I’ve got my Gameboy hidden in there!
Crow::(Hermione)What? No one can study all the time.
Suddenly, an unfamiliar voice called out,
Mike::(Filch)Oh Jesus, I knew they’d snap their chains and break free. I swear Dumbledore is too forgiving to you two. All right, let’s move along.
Servo::Be careful where you’re aiming that.
Crow::One wrong move and we could end up with another Petrified Forest.
Mike::(Author)Because Hermione’s really wasn’t doing it for me.
As soon as I had performed the spell,
Servo::Harry and Ron came around the corner and freaked out as their clothes did a little dance in the hall.
Crow::(Harry)I knew it was gonna be bad after we watched that old movie "Bed Knobs and Broomsticks" in history class.
Crabbe and Goyle fell from Hermione, stiff and surprised.
Mike::As their combined weight crushed her legs.
As they could still see in their petrified state, I had used nearly the last of my pre-made Polyjuice Potion-it lasted for an hour,
Servo::(Hermione)P-p-professor Flitwick? What are you doing here? And why do you have three foot arms?
Crow::(Draco)Um, gotta go.
but I had used up forty-five minutes of the sixty,
Mike::Scaring the crap out of some first years. I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when they take their first Charms class.
and time was running out.
Servo::(Harry)Hey Draco you lied to me, there wasn’t any ice cream in that painting.
Crow::(Draco)Just go back and look again.
Mike::(Hermione)Did he just call you Draco, Professor?
Crow::(Draco)I um I’ve got a lot of names.
I dragged Hermione into a dark corner, and threw her clothes.
Mike::(Hermione)Are you quite finished?
Crow::(Draco)Watch! It goes up and then falls back done!
Mike::(Hermione)You know what, you keep it. I can always buy another T-shirt.
"Get them on, quickly, and let's go," I told her gruffly.
Servo::(Draco)An enigmatic woodsman’s after me.
Mike::Hey doll derry ol, merry ol terry ol where did you hide little et ol?
She scrambled to get them on,
Servo::(Shirt)All right we’re gonna run something outta the play book.
Crow::(Jeans)How about the flea flicker? I like the flea flicker.
Servo::(Socks)How about you shut up you holy piece of . . .
Crow::Oh yeah, at least I don’t drag scary fantasy characters in yellow boots into this story.
Servo::I think I’ve had about all I can stand of you.
Mike::Fellas, fellas. We’re here to not enjoy this story not kill each other. Now come on, shake on it.
tears in her eyes, her slight body shaking.
Crow::(Draco)Oh how do you get your hair to have so much body? Is it a special mousse or a new conditioner? I simply must know.
Mike::(Hermione)Would you just pick up your dropped make-up kit and get out of here.
As soon as she had done,
Mike::(Harry)So we’ll never talk about this again?
Mike::(Harry)You know I’m starting to think burying Ron alive really wasn’t that nice.
Crow::(Draco)No you don’t.
Mike::(Harry)Oh right, no I don’t.
I dragged her back to the dormitory in front of the sleeping statue.
Servo::Which was a lot better than that screaming statue that sits right outside the Ravenclaw dormitories.
Mike::Those poor people never get a wink of sleep.
"Are you okay?" I asked curtly. She nodded,
Crow::(Draco)Damn it, you’re supposed to be severely mortified and have no more will power. All right Crabbe, Goyle we’re gonna have to do this again!
Mike::(Hermione)Oh hi Peeves, *AHHCCCHHOO* Can you pass me my Claritin? I hate being allergic to ghosts.
"I-I'm fine," she managed a small smile.
Servo::As she tried to keep her lunch down as she looked at Draco.
"If not for you, I would have lost mental state,
Crow::(Hermione)Error 356 has been performed. Brain shutting down.
my hopes and dreams, my,"
Mike::Surround sound entertainment center.
she paused, and blushed,
Servo::(Hermione)You know, I’m not feeling so good.
Crow::(Draco)Harry, I told you to wait and not give her that puking pastille until after I had ineffectively saved her.
Mike::(Harry)Oh right, sorry master.
Crow::Next week we release the new single from Hermione and the Grangeretes.
Mike::(Ron)Why do we have to dress up in purple spandex jumpsuits.
Servo::(Harry)Shut your trap, or the boss’ll fire us again.
I can't thank you enough. . .
Crow::(Hermione)For setting all this up and putting me through serious psychological damage.
Mike::Ha, at last Harry’s not the only one with people who want to kill him.
Please, let me compensate you. . ." I managed not to snort.
Crow::(Draco)I knew I should have checked to make sure what species that hair was.
Servo::(Hermione)Wait until I tell everyone I was saved by a pig.
What was that Muggle-born pauper going to give me that I already didn't have?
Crow::(Draco)No I have three of those in my secret cooler.
But it turned out that it wasn't a monetary reward.
Servo::Instead she delivered a hard swift kick to his shins and connected her fist with his face.
Mike::(Hermione)That’s for plotting against me, and this is just because.
She smiled weakly,
Crow::Then the Fat Lady swung open and Harry and Ron poked their heads out.
Mike::(Ron)Jeez Hermione what’s been taking you so long? You left to poison Crabbe and Goyle almost an hour ago.
Crow::(Hermione)I know but this idiot here froze them and I had to stop.
and then came up on her tiptoes to give me a soft kiss.
Mike::Oh so that’s how Hermione pulls off the grades she gets.
Servo::(Hermione)I’ll see you later Professor.
Crow::You are terrible.
I, of course, had been kissed before,
Mike::As everyone knows that’s the first part to Apperating. First you have to find someone, anyone off the street, kiss them, and then you can disappear.
Servo::(Ron)And I had to apperate right next to that men’s shelter, yuck.
by that oaf Pansy.
Crow::Better than getting kissed by a dragon.
Servo::(Legolas)Tell me about it.
But this-this was nothing like that bruising spittle.
Mike::It was more like getting kissed by a stinging nettle.
It was gentle, yielding,
Crow::It was based upon the bed technology designed for the astronauts.
Servo::Exactly how powerful do you want the word sensual to be?
Mike::Look out, sensual’s seized Brazil and half of the Baltic!
and wonderful. It might sound like that gooey corny crap,
Crow::No that’s what it sounds like when you kiss a feedlot steer’s butt.
Servo::First pigs now cows, Draco? Man your family really needs to throw you an intervention.
but it was like fireworks, a million stars shooting in her head.
Mike::(Hermione)Ah, my scar’s burning!
Crow::(Harry)Knock it off, that’s all I have left.
Servo::(Ron)Actually that was just my wand, I forgot I’d put it in your hair for safe keeping.
They broke away regretfully, and Draco whispered to her,
Crow::Never trust an armed armadillo.
Mike::(Hermione)Okay I’ll remember that. Gotta go.
"I-I have to go. . ." She nodded, eyes wide.
Mike::Is she turning into an owl now.
Servo::Why not, just about everyone there is an animagi.
She wondered who it could be.
Crow::Maybe you should have tried, I don’t know, asking him.
As he hurried off into the hallway,
Mike::Throwing all the clothes out of her trunk into the air, whooping it up.
she thought she saw a glimpse of silver-blonde-but,
Servo::Why did Draco just save her with no pants on?
Crow::I don’t know but he must be a Raiders fan if his butt was silver.
no, the mystery man who had saved her was brown haired.
Mike::(Hermione)Curse my color blindness!
She slowly slid down the wall onto the floor,
Servo::Because why would she want to report this to a professor or anything.
sobbing as the memories flooded back to her.
Crow::(Hermione)I can’t believe I touched Draco! Ah must get the filth off me!
Draco dashed down the hall,
Mike::Singing at the top of his lungs.
Crow::(Draco)The best things in life are free, but you can give ‘em to the birds and bees. I need money, that’s what I want.
feeling the Polyjuice Potion wearing off. He was still shell shocked
Servo::I never knew Draco fought in World War II.
Mike::How many years was he held back?
from the kiss he had with Hermione.
Crow::Don’t you mean Professor Flitwick?
Servo::He went through all that just to start a rumor that Hermione is nothing more than a teachers pet.
Mike::I’d hate to be Hagrid’s.
He turned into an empty classroom as the transformation happened.
Crow::Too bad it was actually 9:00 in the morning and an entire Charms class of first years watched horrified as their Charms teacher twisted and grew into some silver haired nut.
Servo::(Flitwick)I am never going to win them back.
When it was finally done, he turned back and strode to his dormitory.
Crow::(Draco)I must simply write this night down in my diary.
He found her still sobbing in a corner by the statue of the first Head Boy and Girl.
Mike::When in the hell did Hermione get there?
Servo::Well Crabbe and Goyle had crushed her legs so she was left to crawl her way to the infirmary.
"What happened, Granger?" he asked coldly.
Crow::(Draco)Because I obviously have no idea what my two henchmen were up to this night as I was studying all by myself in the library. Yes that should do it.
She glared at him, an amusing picture,
Mike::(Hermione)Why do you have a two foot long nose?
Servo::(Draco)Damn it, I was afraid that was my Snape polyjuice potion.
as she was glowering at him through puffy red eyes on the ground.
Crow::Did she go a few rounds with one of the suits of armor after he left or something?
She stood up, and stalked past him,
Mike::(Hunter)We have to watch our steps tonight, a Hermione is on the hunt.
and whispered the password-"ardour"- and swept into the common room.
Servo::And the portal slammed shut on Malfoy’s fingers.
Crow::(Hermione)Should have moved faster idiot.
He watched, astounded, as she walked into the common room,
Mike::Actually I am too, seeing as how she had her femur crushed by those stone giants.
and promptly sat down at her desk by the fireside, and began her homework.
Servo::When did the Fat Lady have a window installed in her portrait?
"You're astounding," he said.
Crow::(Draco)Just thought I’d say that, good night.
Mike::(Harry)Hermione, you’re getting real good at that Cheering Charm.
"You're on the ground, sobbing your heart out,
Servo::Planning the complete and utter destruction of Crabbe and Goyle.
and the next minute you're doing your homework as if nothing happened."
Crow::(Hermione)I think the better question is why you keep insisting on breaking into any locked compartment or room I am in? Now if you don’t leave the Gryffindor dormitories I shall be forced to do something that could land me in Azkaban for a long time.
If looks could kill, he'd be lying dead as surely if she had performed the killing curse on him.
Mike::(Hermione)That’s what that kiss was supposed to do. Now I’m in here looking up exactly how long it takes before he keels over dead.
"Nothing," she said deliberately and icily,
Servo::As she munched on a popsicle and then threw the stick at Draco’s head.
"happened. It's none of your business."
Crow::Seeing as how I hate and despise you.
"Yeah. Right. You know I'm going to keep bugging you 'till you tell me."
Servo::(Draco)Because as everyone knows I have always cared about all of your problems.
Mike::(Draco)You gonna tell me now? Huh huh? How about now? Come on big baby, why were you crying in the hall. Spill your deep dark secrets to me so I can blab them to everyone in the school.
Her eyes smouldered, and she said quite calmly,
Crow::For the last time you and your Slytherin buddies are not allowed in this dormitory now get out before I blast you back into the 5th century!
"Though it's none of your damn business, if you want to know, I was
Mike::thinking about knitting a sweater for Crookshanks. There now you know my deep dark secret, are you happy?
Crow::(Draco)That didn’t quite go the way I planned.
nearly raped. Now, good-night." She stood up, and picked up her books,
Servo::And threw them into the fire.
Mike::(Hermione)At last I have an excuse to quit school and go on to my true passion, rearranging scraps of yarn by color, texture, and size!
Crow::(Draco)Why do the Death Eaters care about you again?
and marched up the stairs, and slammed the door.
Servo::Which was a bit of a hint for Draco. Too bad he’s too stupid to get it.
Even though Draco knew full well what had happened,
Mike::He should seeing as how he planned the whole thing.
he was still surprised that she had stated the matter so coolly and matter-of-factly.
Crow::Why, was he expecting her to reminisce warmly about it?
Servo::Here’s hoping Ron doesn’t get on her nerves tomorrow, she’s sure to blow his head clean off.
He blinked, and trudged slowly up the stairs, shaking his head.
"Girls," he muttered.
Mike::(McGonagall)Malfoy? What in Merlin’s beard are you doing in this dormitory?
Mike::(McGonagall)Mr. Malfoy, you cannot use that excuse for everything. Now get out of the girls dorms before I sick my new blast-ended skreet after you.
When Hermione was sure that Draco was asleep,
Servo::As she poked him continuously in the ribs with her wand.
Mike::(Hermione)Are you asleep yet? How ‘bout now? Now?
Crow::(Draco)It would be a lot easier to sleep if you weren’t bruising me.
she slid slowly out of her bed, stuck on her slippers,
Servo::Then she remembered that she didn’t have any slippers.
Mike::(Dobby)Would Mistress Granger mind taking her foot out of my mouth?
and tiptoed out of her room into the hallway connecting her and Draco's room.
Crow::(Hermione)Stupid new Ministry Rule, next thing you know we’re going to have to bunk with all our professors.
Servo::(McGonagall)Miss Granger would you kindly keep your voice down.
Mike::(Binns)Hey some of us are trying to stay dead here!
She hesitated outside of his door-was this right? Yes, she decided.
Crow::Of course, the Gryffindor girls dorm had always been connected to the Slytherin boys. It made the most logical sense.
She needed to know he was her saviour.
Servo::Every night Hermione would sneak down to the Hogwarts chapel and talk to the large crucifix hanging behind the pulpit.
Mike::(Hermione)So anyway where did we last leave off, oh right I just wish Lavender would pick up her toiletries. I mean who wants to touch her skanky toothbrush?
She had contemplated this lying in bed,
Crow::(Hermione)Should I use my black or silver quill for History tomorrow?
putting all the pieces together.
Mike::(Hermione)Hurry Harry, I can hear someone coming.
Servo::(Harry)Hey I wasn’t the one who blasted Ron into a million pieces.
Crow::(Ron)I feel funny. Why don’t I have any legs?
From that flash of blond hair,
Servo::I knew Legolas was stalking me again.
Legolas::Please, I am so very tired. Just leave me out of this.
and glint of silver in his eyes,
Crow::For the last time Malfoy you don’t have to worry about being mugged so stop swallowing your silver!
to being the only person besides the duo themselves, Crabbe and Goyle
who would know about the planned incident,
Mike::(Hermione)How, how did Malfoy learn that I was a plant from Voldemort and it was my job to spy on Potter?
to his slightly breathless appearance at the statue
Servo::Malfoy’s put on about two hundred pounds since last summer.
Crow::He’s hoping to play the Wizarding version of rugby, where people play against trolls and giants.
to his suspiciously persistent manner in bring out the truth fro
Mike::(Hermione)Of course he was caught in the portal door so maybe he was just making conversation until Filtch could get the jaws of life to get him out.
She needed to find the last piece,
Servo::Before she could finish her model of the Millennium Falcon.
and she was positive it was in his room.
Crow::(Hermione)Bastard, I knew he took my cat.
Mike::You know Malfoy should be careful, the last time he tangled with Hermione he came away with a bloody nose.
So, she cast a spell of Silence onto the door,
Servo::Oh, so she oiled the hinges.
and opened it ever so precariously.
Crow::Why? If it had a silence spell on it, she could have just thrown it open and skipped down the hall.
She peeked in and slid silently into the room.
Mike::Then Hermione quickly remembered that she was still in the Gryffindor common room and was instead standing in the boys dormitory.
Servo::(Ron)Her-mione? Ah it’s 2 in the morning, we’ll get some homework tomorrow, I promise. Now go back to sleep.
She glanced around, feeling something was wrong,
Crow::Like maybe the fact that time and space just shifted around her.
Mike::That always gives me a feeling of vertigo.
but she couldn't put her finger on it.
Servo::As the last bit of Ron was racing across the room.
Crow::(Ron)Ah forget it, who needs a colon anyway.
So she tiptoed around the room, glancing.
Mike::Which didn’t really amount to much as there were no lights on.
She had almost given up when she spotted a glint from the moonlight on what could only be glass.
Servo::(Hermione)Wow, they get a window!
Crow::(Lavender)Hermione, why are you wandering around our room again? Go back to bed.
A foul smell filled her nostrils that was all too familiar.
Mike::Malfoy liked to keep old mayonnaise jars under his bed.
Crow::(Draco)It makes me pretty.
"A Polyjuice Potion," she whispered, rubbing the smooth glass.
Mike::Which was really weird as she was five feet across the room.
Servo::(Hermione)Space, stop shifting!
It was almost gone, except for one foul dose.
Crow::(Hermione)Oh well, bottoms up!
"Yeah," a voice agreed.
Mike::(Hermione)Well I’m glad we’ve agreed what it is. Good night.
Servo::(Ron)Doesn’t she want to know why you have a polyjuice potion just sitting out in the open?
Crow::(Harry)No and I’m not telling her I’ve been parading around as Filtch at night and neither are you.
She dropped the bottle, and it released a putrid smell.
Mike::Oh thanks, we’re never going to get that out of the carpet.
Crow::(Draco)Why don’t you go back to your own dorm room and break things.
Mike::(Hermione)I thought I was in my room. Where the hell am I?
"D-Draco!" she exclaimed.
Servo::*Singing*They call him Draco Draco, meaner than lightning. No one you see, can sneer more than he.
He stood there, bathed in the moonlight, topless,
Servo::now painted a bright red.
Crow::(Draco)Don’t tell anyone, but I’m really Spiderman.
Mike::(Hermione)I thought you were the screaming leprechaun.
Crow::(Draco)I have many people inside my head.
with the moonlight showing off his very nice abs.
Mike::(Hermione)I must admit, you have a very nice collection of abstract paintings.
A fair eyebrow was raised over quicksilver eyes
Servo::I see Hogwarts’ water still has that mercury contamination problem.
as he towered over her at a good six two.
Crow::Why does he stand over her until 6:02?
"May I ask what the hell you are doing in my room?" he asked.
Mike::(Hermione)Only if I can ask why our two rooms are suddenly connected now?
Crow::(Draco)All right so I’ve been secretly digging a tunnel so I can spy on people at night. It’s not as if that’s a crime.
She looked him square in the eye, and tossed her brunette hair back over her shoulders,
Servo::(Hermione)I don’t look any different. Why isn’t this potion taking effect?
Crow::(Draco)Ha ha ha, um, well maybe it doesn’t work. Yes that’s much less embarrassing than admitting I’ve been turning myself into a girl at night.
and said quite straightforwardly,
Mike::(Hermione)I, uh, um, gotta go!
"You saved me from Crabbe and Goyle."
It was a statement, not a question.
Servo::Why do we have to have nothing but straight dialogue?
Crow::Because it keeps the room from morphing and moving all around us.
"Hmm, don't you seem to be the one for one word conversations," he said softly.
"Why?" she repeated.
Mike::(Hermione)I mean what? What the hell did you just say.
Crow::(Draco)I really like the word one. One, one, one, one!
"Because. I couldn't allow them to soil themselves with the likes of you, Mudblood,"
Servo::They can’t help it, they were just never properly potty-trained.
Mike::(Draco)I wish Crabbe would wear his rubber pants like he’s supposed to.
he said coolly. Her eyes started to water,
Mike::(Hermione)Oh God Malfoy, how much cologne did you put on?
Crow::(Draco)Only enough to kill a giant spider, why?
but she blinked them away furiously, and turned angrily, hurt.
Servo::(Hermione)You know if you’re trying to seduce me maybe you should stop calling me names.
Mike::(Draco)Oh right, hang on. Don’t call her names. My Dad told me to write all the don’ts down.
But she stopped at the doorway and choked out,
Crow::A rather large chicken bone.
Servo::(Hermione)I’d wondered where that went.
"I really did think you were being nice, Draco,
Mike::(Hermione)Ha ha, no I didn’t. I knew from the start that it was nothing more than a scam.
and doing it because you might actually have a spark of humanity in you-but I guess I was wrong."
Servo::(Hermione)Everyone knows you sold your soul a long time ago.
Crow::(Draco)I know, want to see the certificate the Devil gave me?
And with that she slammed the door.
Mike::Which of course made no noise, but because of the shifting of the castle she accidentally walked right off a balcony and fell straight into the lake.
Servo::(Hermione)I knew I should have just stayed in my bed thinking about what type of parchment I should use tomorrow.
It felt like she was slamming it on his heart.
Crow::In reality Hermione came back two minutes later with Harry’s Firebolt and slammed that onto Malfoy’s head ‘til he was unconscious.
Mike::(Hermione)There, that ought to do it.
Blinded by tears, Hermione flung herself out of Draco's room,
Mike::(Hermione)Look out! It’s gonna blow!
Crow::(Harry)And they say I’m the drama queen.
slamming the door with an almighty bang.
Servo::(Hermione)I knew I shouldn’t have taken that Omnipotent Being potion.
Mike::Better be careful whose toes you step on there.
Crow::And how exactly is he going to do that? Is he going to slam into their feet with his hoverskirt.
Servo::Why you little gold son of a . . .
She jumped down the stairs, and landed painfully, hitting her head on a table.
Mike::Do they have tables glued to the ceiling at Hogwarts?
Crow::Why did Hermione just do a head long dive off the stairs?
Servo::(Hermione)AHH! My parent’s just showed up! Party’s over. Everyone clear out!
Mike::As she tried to figure out how she just fell down the stairs and hit her head on a table?
Crow::(Hermione)Does a single law of physics apply here?
Servo::(Harry)Well you’d know if you would have read Hogwarts, A History.
she seethed with anger, hands clenching and unclenching themselves,
Mike::(Hermione)That’s it, I’m adding him to my list.
Crow::(Ron)Shesh, it took you long enough to realize he was evil.
Mike::(Hermione)Don’t make me add you to my list!
angry at Malfoy for being such a damned bastard,
Servo::So is he literally damned now that she took that Omnipotent potion?
Crow::(Draco)I’ll be running Hell in under a week.
angry at herself for being so naïve to think he actually saved her
Mike::And still a bit confused at exactly how she had gotten into his room in the first place.
Servo::(Hermione)Oh great now where the hell am I?
Crow::(Hagrid)Hermione? Why’re yeh in my shack?
because he had a bit of warmth in the cold iron heart of his,
Mike::As that would cause the structural integrity of his heart to give way.
angry at Harry and Ron for being Pureblooded,
Crow::Since when is Harry a pureblood? Have you seen his aunt?
Servo::Last I checked Fred and George were still working really hard to disown Ron anyway.
angry at her parents for being Muggles,
Mike::and their stupid dentist tendencies to check her teeth in the middle of the night.
and angry at the whole world in general.
Crow::(Hermione)I hate you world and I’d show it if I could just figure out how to get out of this up-side-down room!
Servo::This place is more confusing than the Winchester Mansion.
"How could I be so stupid and naïve?" she wondered to herself.
Mike::Maybe I should tell someone about this concussion.
"To be so dense to actually think that Malfoy was nice?
Servo::Yeah that is pretty stupid.
Crow::At least she’s not as stupid as someone who tells his captor about the very ring of power they’re trying to keep secret.
Well, I won't make that mistake again."
Mike::(Hermione)Time to go kill Malfoy.
She heard some movement from inside his room,
Servo::As Draco rearranged all his furniture for the fifth time that night.
Crow::(Draco)I’m just not feeling the positive flow of power. Maybe if my desk was attached to the wall and my bed was on the ceiling.
and hissed quietly up the stairs,
Mike::(Hermione)If I was myself and not some severely mutilated caricature I would have informed a professor straight away about what you did, but since I’m not you’re fine.
"This is war, Death Eater.
Servo::You hear me Vultures, you’re all going down.
And I promise you, I will win."
Crow::(Hermione)Because I have the winning bottle cap.
The next morning she woke to the bright sunlight shining down on her
Mike::As she huddled for warmth in the Forbidden Forest.
Servo::No wonder they don’t want students wandering around at night, they could end up anywhere.
face from the circular skylight at the top of the dorm.
Crow::How smart is it to have a skylight over a girls dormitory when you have males that can fly around on brooms?
Mike::Filtch must have to clean that thing every day.
Blinking sleepily, and
stretched, and instantly regretted it,
Crow::As she smacked her cat in the face who freaked out and ripped her bed hangings to shreds.
as she felt all her muscles shrieking in protest.
Crow::Do we want to know why her muscles are so sore?
Mike::No and stop that train of thought, all of you.
That brought back a wave of memories from the last night,
Servo::Ever since she took that stem cell potion her muscles have retained her memory while her brain has acted as the means for locomotion.
Crow::That’s got to be a pain.
and she swallowed to keep a flood of tears from rushing back.
Mike::(Hagrid)Hermione, why’re yeh cryin’?
Mike::(Hagrid)Okay, why’re yeh on the roof then?
She got up slowly, and tiptoed up the stairs so she wouldn't have to face Malfoy.
Crow::As he would usually spend his free time sitting behind the door to the girls dormitory.
Servo::He’s just waiting for all of them to leave so he can try on their clothes.
She changed into a black silk shirt and a pair of capris,
Mike::Today was Frighten Muggles Senseless day and she just couldn’t wait to get her hands on Norfolk.
but traded the black silk shirt in for a plain white one
Crow::(Dobby)Oh Mistress Hermione is too good, giving Dobby such a nice new pair of trousers.
Servo::(Hermione)Actually I was going to be wanting that back, oh never mind.
when she thought of Malfoy's black silk sheets.
Mike::Which she had seen the day before as he traipsed around the castle claiming it was his cape.
Crow::(Draco)I am the masked Avenger!
She twisted her hair into a loose bun, and threw on her robe.
Servo::Too bad that’s black too.
Mike::(Hermione)AH! Must have color!
Crow::(Harry)Hey, what’s up with the rainbow skin? You trying out for the part of the horse of many colors?
Coming down, she saw Malfoy in front of her,
Servo::God, he seems to be everywhere!
Mike::Just what we need, Attack of the Malfoy Clones.
and elbowed past him violently.
Crow::So she didn’t want to see him and so made sure he saw her by passing him down the stairs and punching him in the side?
He yelped in surprise, and she smiled ever so slightly.
Servo::(Hermione)Serves the little bastard right, next time you borrow my sweater you could at least hang it up.
Opening the passage, she stepped outside to see Harry and Ron. The two boys-almost men now,
Mike::Holy cow did they change over night.
Crow::(Ron)I told you not to trust that stupid electronic Gypsy.
Servo::(Harry)Yeah yeah, I just want to know why we went from being 12 yesterday to being 35 today.
tall and filled out,
Mike::Well except for Ron.
Crow::(Ron)Ah ah ah. Sorry, a slight breeze picked up and I almost fell over again.
each attracting a few girls-
Servo::So they had girls hanging on them and spent all their time wearing robes? Anyone else get the feeling this is really just Hugh Heffner camp?
were sleep ridden,
Mike::(Harry)How can such a skinny person snore so much?
Crow::(Ron)I’m very sensitive to my nose noises.
Mike::(Harry)I thought you were sawing up a metal sequoia forest last night.
eyes half shut.
Servo::As they wandered around the room bumping into the walls and all the other students.
But Harry's eyes flew open at the few bruises she collected by jumping down the stairs last night.
Crow::(Harry)How dare you practice jumping around the tower without us!
Mike::(Ron)Yeah Hermione, it’s really rude to go and leave us out of all the pain and suffering.
"Hermione! What happened?" he half yelled.
Servo::(Harry)SORRY, BUT EVER SINCE RON STARTED SNORING I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO HEAR GOOD!
"I'll tell you at breakfast," she muttered grimly, shooing them along,
Mike::(Ron)Yes Mum whatever you say mum. What did I tell you, give her just an ounce of power and now we have a little dictator on our hands.
hearing the passage door creak open.
Crow::(Draco)Are they gone?
Crow::(Draco)Good, now tell me. Do you think this skirt makes me look fat?
"What?" hollered Ron,
Mike::(Ron)What do you mean we don’t get breakfast today? At this rate my body will start eating my hair.
getting out of his seat after Hermione told him the events of last night.
Servo::(Harry)Wait I’m confused. Why didn’t you just use the summoning spell to get your wand and then clobber them?
Crow::(Ron)And what about Malfoy? I would have just slugged him right then and there.
He was ready to pummel the Slytherin trio into snake mush
Mike::I would have thought the school would have provided snake mush.
Servo::(Ron)After all, what are we paying all these lab fees for?
after what he had heard. Harry pulled him down.
"This isn't the time to do this," he whispered.
Crow::Since when has Harry had a cool head?
Mike::Ever since those anger management classes with Bruce Banner he’s been able to keep his anger in check a bit better.
"We can't show them they've won."
Servo::(Harry)So we’ll keep their lifetime supply of butterbeer for ourselves.
Ron reluctantly sat down, rubbing his neck where Harry had pulled his collar.
Crow::(Harry)Eat some meat, or at least have Pomfrey give you a blood transfusion. Your skin is so translucent I can almost see through to your bones.
"Anyways, Hermione can fight her own battles.
Mike::(Hermione)But the only person I’ve ever really fought with is Ron, and look at how easy he is to beat.
But, Mione," he added,
Servo::I don’t think Rry is right.
"you should tell Dumbledore."
Crow::Ron is the voice of reason?!
Mike::Maybe this is a parallel universe.
Servo::That would explain why Harry is a minion of Voldemort and why Hermione is acting as though she’s climbed into a dryer one too many times.
She nodded, and after breakfast, departed.
Crow::And was never seen again.
Mike::(Ron)Okay from now on I’m tying myself to the foot of my bed so I don’t get swallowed up by this castle like everyone else.
"And so, that's what happened last night, and why I'm here," she concluded.
Servo::(Harry)We know Hermione, you just finished telling us two minutes ago.
Crow::(Hermione)All right Harry, Ron I promised I’d tell you at breakfast so here goes.
Mike::(Ron)Am I stuck in a time loop this morning?
Servo::(Harry)Could be worse, the loop could have started during Potions.
Professor Dumbledore looked very grim,
Crow::As he tried to remove his head from in-between two railings.
Mike::(Dumbledore)I’m not sure how I got here, but I’ll bet it was a wild ride.
and sighed before speaking, his usually twinkling blue eyes grim and mournful.
Servo::Which would explain why he looked grim.
Crow::(Hermione)Maybe it was his blue eyes or maybe it was the fact that he was dressed in a black robe and cloak and carried a scythe that made him look grim.
"Miss Granger. This is very serious indeed.
Servo::(Dumbledore)For you see. I have found. Almost an entire case. Of periods hidden. In one of our toilets. Now me must. Use them all. Before Malfoy. Finds out I took them.
Under normal circumstances, I would most immediately expel them.
Crow::(Dumbledore)But I must know, why do you wish to expel Ron Weasly and Harry Potter?
Mike::(Hermione)No one points out my story’s plot holes and gets away with it.
But in the terribly troubled times we are in, sending them home would just send more possible Death Eaters to Lord Voldemort."
Servo::(Dumbledore)Which is why I have decided to lock all students within Hogwarts and not let them leave.
Crow::(Hermione)Since when have you been scared of Voldemort?
Servo::(Dumbledore)Hey I had to do his laundry. You don’t know fear until you’ve had to look at his pizza stains.
He looked at her pensively, and she nodded,
Mike::As he stared at her out of his bowl.
Crow::(Dumbledore)Now would you mind getting me out of this pensieve, my head seems to be stuck.
understanding but angry that they had gotten so close to-well, you know-and wouldn't be expelled.
Mike::(Hermione)Damn it, that was my last chance to keep Harry and Ron out of my story. I guess I’m just going to have to put up with them now.
"The best I can give you is having them have a detention with Mr. Filch for the rest of the year.
Servo::You know the next time I need to commit a little crime I’m going to make sure I get extradited to Diagon alley. Those wizards get away with anything.
Is that all right with you?"
Crow::(Hermione)Hell no, I demand justice.
Mike::(Dumbledore)Well I’d love to help but ever since that little "accident" I haven’t been allowed to cast any spells.
Crow::(Hermione)What accident? You turned Nurse Pomfrey into a talking microscope when she tried to give you your medication.
"I-I suppose, Professor. If you really think it's right."
Servo::You know I’m really not enjoying this Hogwarts mirror universe.
Mike::The next thing you know Miss McGonagall’s gonna walk in with a pointy goatee and a vest.
He walked over to her seat, and put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
Crow::(Dumbledore)Now I need to ask you something very serious.
Servo::(Hermione)What is it?
Crow::(Dumbledore)Will you help me find my missing bag of marbles, I think I left Professor Vector in there.
"Miss Granger, I must say that you are a very strong person indeed.
Mike::(Dumbledore)Would you please let go of Fawkes, you’re breaking his wings.
I am feel
Servo::Hear me roar.
so much pain for you,
Crow::Because goodness knows I’m not going to offer you any kind of help or justice.
Mike::(Dumbledore)Now as for the Wizard Protection Agency we have to stick you in, your new name will be Alfred, you need to grow a beard and learn how to deal with a guy who likes to dress up in a cape and tights.
and all I can console you with is hope.
Servo::(Hermione)Actually I was hoping for something more along the lines of a grenade.
Hope that we will get through this war, and hope that everyone will get exactly what they deserve."
Crow::(Dumbledore)I’ll make ‘em all pay.
Mike::(Hermione)Yes well, I uh need to be leaving now.
Servo::(Pomfrey)Oh dear, before you leave could you remove this slide? I’m tired of magnifying the same thing over and over again.
That day was Saturday,
Mike::The day when Dumbledore finally lost it and blew up half of the school.
so they didn't have any classes.
Servo::As opposed to Friday when they do have classes.
Angry and frustrated that Crabbe and Goyle didn't get punished,
Servo::Hermione plotted her revenge.
Mike::(Hermione)Yes yes it’s all so simple now. They will never again know freedom. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Crow::(Ron)Hey what’s so funny?
she stormed through the halls,
Servo::I thought that was the Great Hall’s ceiling’s job?
and came to the painting of Melinda Feterry and Adam Sloage,
Mike::(Hermione)According to the caption it says this portrait was painted to honor the two students with the dumbest names Hogwarts has ever had.
Crow::(Harry)You’re a shoo in Hermione.
Mike::(Hermione)Watch it buster I’ve taken down better boys who lived than you.
the first Head Boy and Girl.
Mike::(Hermione)How, how was Malfoy appointed Gryffindor’s head boy?
Servo::(Ron)You can only bribe so many people in your House before you have to move on for new meat.
Crow::You’d know a lot about bribing wouldn’t you.
Servo::That’s it I’ve had all I can take of you, you’re going down you twisted alloy.
Melinda's large blue eyes widened as she saw Hermione.
"Hermione! What's wrong?"
Crow::(Melinda)What the hell happened, you look terrible? Why did someone replace your head with a fishbowl?
Servo::(Hermione)Still it’s better then what they did to Ron, his entire skin is gold and he has a bowling pin for a mouth.
Mike::At the rate the password is losing letters it’ll be down to just the punctuation mark by next week.
she said curtly, and the portrait door opened.
Crow::Fat Lady must be on vacation.
Servo::Her and the rest of the Hogwarts portraits are hanging out in the painting of the Carnival Cruise ship.
To her extreme surprise, Malfoy walked out,
Mike::Although you’d think she’d be used to him and his trespassing by now.
Crow::No point in bringing it to Dumbledore, he’ll just claim that he’s scared and forget about it.
dressed in nothing but a towel around his waist, shoulder length hair dripping.
Servo::Which was really weird seeing as how the bathroom was down the hall.
Crow::(Harry)Hermione, I’m glad I caught you, you need to be my alibi.
Crow::(Harry)Ron and I threw a couple of those Dungbombs at Malfoy as he was headed to the showers. Unfortunately they turned out to be real bombs and the bathroom exploded creating a huge tidal wave.
Servo::(Ron)It was so cool, let’s do it again.
With a slightly open mouth,
Mike::Which she used to breathe.
Crow::See Servo, unlike those precious elves of yours, these characters do need to breathe.
Servo::Why you . . . oh yeah well at least my elves don’t dress in tea towels and take crap from anyone.
she dropped her heavy bag on the floor.
Mike::And it moaned loudly.
Crow::(Hermione)I don’t have Crabbe and Goyle in there.
"What are you doing here?" she snapped, trying to cover her surprise
Servo::By kicking Draco hard in the shins.
(and slight primal delight, a treacherous voice added).
Mike::Hermione was baying for blood.
Crow::I’m starting to wonder if she has any relations to the Ripper family.
Blond eyebrows rose in surprise.
Servo::(Seamus)Are you two done blocking the entrance?
Mike::(Dean)Yeah the rest of us Gryffindors would like to go sit down now.
"I do believe that this dorm is mine, as well, isn't it, Granger?" he said amusedly.
Crow::(Draco)I’ve bribed enough people it should be.
Mike::(Hermione)Fine but just tell me one thing, why Gryffindor?
Crow::(Draco)Let’s just say I’d like to keep a real close eye on my enemy if you catch my drift.
Mike::(Hermione)I’ll go tell Harry to stop showering.
"I suppose," she said tersely.
Servo::(Hermione)But I hope Hogwarts shifts once more and your room ends up at the bottom of the lake.
"Now if you would please get out of my way, and I could get to my room so I can do my homework in peace?"
Crow::(Hermione)Or I could just practice my Defense Against Dark Arts right here on you. Actually I like that idea much better. Hold still.
"Always thinking of work, aren't we, Granger?" Draco said silkily,
Mike::A charm had broken loose and accidentally turned Malfoy into a silk worm. No one really cared much though.
not budging. She flared, losing her temper.
Servo::Maybe Harry drank a polyjuice potion to look like Hermione.
Crow::Ew, that’s gotta be awkward.
"Is it back to Granger now, not Mudblood anymore-Ferret Boy?
Mike::They’ve got more names for each other thank you two.
Crow::Don’t get me started on Bubble-boy here Nelson.
Servo::Yeah don’t waste your time with that Pin beak.
Move out of my way, if you're so inclined." she said angrily.
Mike::As the floor pitched at a 90 degree angle.
Crow::(Harry)Sorry, we blew up another story.
He flinched at the Ferret remark, but didn't lose his trademark smirk.
Servo::Draco and all his facial expressions are registered trademarks of Warner brothers and can have you killed if you take them. Really.
"I'm not so inclined to move. We need to.talk."
Mike::(Draco)That’s right, I took my periods back from Dumbledore.
"Talk?" she spat.
Crow::(Draco)I knew you would be difficult, that’s why I brought Henry Kissinger along.
Servo::(Kissinger)Please Mr. President, why am I surrounded by children dressed in grim reaper costumes?
"I think we had enough talking last night." He flinched slightly at the reference.
Crow::(Draco)Please don’t mention the night, I am so very scared of the dark.
"Look, I'm really sor-"
"Don't bother," she interrupted.
Mike::(Hermione)I already know that you are a sorbet. Now I’m just going to sit here and watch you melt to death.
"Coming from you, it holds absolutely no weight." He stiffened noticeably.
Servo::(Draco)How did you know I take Weight Gain powder?
"Are you questioning my family's honour?" he said softly and dangerously.
Crow::(Draco)Sorry, I’m just spying on three other conversations right now. What were you saying?
"Honour? The Malfoy family HAS no honour,"
Servo::Anyone else get the feeling this is going to end in a bat'leth duel.
Mike::Just no pain sticks.
she said mockingly. "And neither do you.
Crow::Which is another reason you should still be in Slytherin.
Servo::Next thing you know they’re going to put Neville in Ravenclaw.
I wouldn't hold being a pureblood up for much-look where it got you!"
Crow::(Draco)So my genes are so screwed up I can never stop sweating, so what.
Mike::(Hermione)Would someone get him a really big coaster?
"What-being head boy, and being rich? That's bad?"
Servo::(McGonagall)Would you two stop yelling, we’re trying to be forgotten about here.
Crow::(Ron)So do you think there’s any chance we’re going to have to be in this story?
Mike::(Harry)Nah I doubt it.
Servo::(Ron)Good, let’s go and terrorize Hogsmede with our bombs.
"Oh, no, that's not bad-but then,
Mike::again seeing as how you use that to inflict pain and suffering on others, yeah it is bad.
you have a father who's an evil bastard
Crow::Much like Servo.
and a mother who's made of ice."
Mike::Which explains why Malfoy is really ice cream.
Servo::Sorbet is not ice cream, but you’d know that if you actually had a brain in that thick skull.
Mike::What did I do?
Crow::He he he.
He trembled visibly.
Mike::(Draco)Fine so my house has to be kept below freezing point at all times, there are you happy now.
Screw "the plan", that stupid girl insulted his honour,
Servo::And all of a sudden Malfoy cares about this.
Crow::(Draco)I’ve had three major character changes in the past hour. I hope tomorrow I don’t come out acting like a mobster who likes pretty flowers.
his family name, and most especially his mother.
Mike::(Draco)I love you Mummy! What’s that, no Mum you look fine.
Servo::(Hermione)Malfoy, why are you talking to a used Kleenex?
"Don't you EVER, ever insult my mother,
Crow::Because I’m not smart enough to think up any comebacks.
Servo::We already know that Crow.
you stupid Mudblood.
Crow::Hermione can’t help it, she just really loves mudpies.
Your mother is probably just as fat and ugly as Weasley's mother-no, worse! She's a freakin' MUGGLE!"
Mike::When did this turn into a "Yo Momma" contest?
Servo::Crow’s mother is so ugly she grows the beard just to cover her face.
Crow::Oh yeah, well Servo’s mother is so fat when her hoverskirt gave out she killed the dinosaurs.
Mike::Um guys, you don’t have mothers.
He recoiled as she slapped him hard across the face.
Servo::(Hermione)Hey this is a lot of fun, I should hit people more often.
"That was for insulting my mother, and Ron's mum.
Crow::(Hermione)Oh yeah I forgot, Dumbledore said I could use one of the Unforgivable curses on you.
Crow::(Hermione)It’s my choice, and I always like surprises.
Don't, you ferrety ass.
Servo::Don’t sit down or you’ll squish my ferret.
Mike::Do I even want to know how he came to have a ferret on his ass?
Crow::Maybe Gandalf put it there, eh Servo?
Your "pureblood" has gotten you nothing but arrogance and a few extra bucks!
Mike::Yes the Malfoy’s would always mention their pureblood during their panhandling days.
Servo::There’s nothing sadder than a wizard so inbreed he can’t even close his robe.
I know far more better people who are muggle-born
Crow::Why does she keep track of all these Muggle born people?
Mike::Hermione’s hoping to start her own little army to overthrow the current government.
than those who are pureblood."
Servo::Elrond could kick his ass.
"Are you saying that mudbloods are just as good as purebloods?"
Mike::It’s a real fight here in the Gryffindor common room as blood type AB positive takes on blood type O negative.
"No, I'm not. I'm saying they're BETTER."
Crow::Yeah Harry and Ron could kick your precious Istari’s asses any day of the week.
"Better? That's a laugh."
Servo::The Death Eaters all so inbred and stupid they had to elect a Mudblood to lead them.
"Not all of them," she allowed,
Mike::Because all generalizations are wrong.
Crow::Except for the belief that chubby red robots are a sign of the end times.
"like Harry and Ron, for example, are wonderful purebloods.
Servo::Seeing as how Harry had all of his mother’s blood removed and replaced it with anti-freeze.
Mike::(Voldemort)Ladies and Gentle Death Eaters I would like to introduce out newest recruit who believes in our purpose so much he would risk freezing to death.
But people like you-" she let the ending hang in the air.
Mike::(Hermione)You’re all, um, you’re well you’re all stinky heads.
Servo::She’s got the same intellectual capacity as Crow.
"People like me are worth a thousand of YOUR kind, Mudblood.
Crow::At least according to today’s international exchange rates.
Mike::Damn, looks like the value of my blood has fallen again I’d better get rid of these white cells before that drops too.
I'm better than you!" Her mouth hung open.
Servo::Why don’t you try slapping him again?
Crow::Oh yes Servo let’s just resort to violence, the only way you and your kind know how to sort out any problem.
"Oh really?" her voice went up to a high pitch.
Servo::You think you and your little Middle School sorcerers can hurt me. Go ahead on.
"Yes! I'll prove it!"
Crow::I’ll make you regret the day you were ever machined in Joel’s toolshop.
"How do you plan to do that?"
Servo::I’m going to crush you into a little gold ingot and then sell you on the Home shopping network.
"A contest. Simple.
Mike::Well go back in time remove all the other names from the Goblet of Fire and put our names in instead.
Crow::(Hermione)That’s not very simple.
Servo::You’d know about simplicity wouldn’t you.
We each cast spells on each other.
Mike::And hope that we don’t destroy the entire school in the process.
Crow::(Harry)That’s our job.
First to crack is the loser-proving the other to be the winner.
Servo::Heads I win, tails you lose.
And the better wizard."
Mike::Get’s my entire supply of periods.
"Or witch." He ignored her.
Servo::It’ll be no contest, Gandalf will wipe the floor with you people.
Crow::Really, he seems to get captured so easily.
Servo::Oh yeah well at least my book didn’t lead to a film directed by Chris Columbus.
Crow::You son of a drill bit!
Mike::As soon as you tell me what a "tomarrow" is? Is it like a marshmallow or a bone marrow transplant?
"Okay. May the best witch win."
Crow::I hope all those stupid maps and appendices squish you like a pancake.
Servo::How long’s it going to take for your next book to come out, the second coming of Jesus.
Mike:Guys come on, it’s just the fic. You just need to breathe and count to ten.
Servo::Yeah I guess you’re right Mike, it’s not like it’s Crow’s fault he’s a complete moron and can’t read anything that requires actual gray matter.
Crow::Oh I’ve read The Silmarillion thank you very much, yeah it’s perfect for any incurable insomniac.
Servo::I’ve had all I can take! *Flys toward Crow*
Crow::Oh fine, you piece of sheet metal *Runs at Servo*
Mike::Guy’s can’t someone just enjoy both works of literature?
Crow::You’re an idiot Nelson.
Servo::Be careful Mike, you don’t want to hurt yourself thinking like that.
Crow::Ha ha good one Servo.