Thursday, July 16, 2009

30 Things to Do with a Naked Man

Thanks to random link clicking I came across this list and just had to share my own interpretations.

30 Things to Do with a Naked Man - Well don't pick up hot pans with one, I learned that the hard way.

1. Sneak Up Behind Him - let out a scream and watch him jump through the ceiling.

2. Get Naked Too - Freak everyone out at the local ice cream shop.

3. Let Him Be an Animal - Stress that he must be a seahorse and gestate your children.

4. Break Out the Blindfold - causing him to smash his family jewels into that coffee table he couldn't see

5. Climb on Top - naked mountain climbing is the latest craze.

6. Take a Sensual Shower - Bathe in nothing but perfume and oil for that I just wandered off a porno set look.

7.Find His G-Spot - And ask it what happened to his E & H spot.

8. Give Him a New Number - Because you disconnected his old one for failing to pay his bills.

9. Find a New Favorite Spot - for him to lay down, because you're sick of him circling the rug ten times.

10. Massage His Backside - with the hand mixer.

11. Turn Him into a Buffet - complete with chafing dish and prime rib carving station.

12. Boss Him Around - Jefferson! Do you have those files for the Pillsbury account done yet? If you aren't finished by the end of the day you're fired!

13. Give Him a Peep Show - I like the pink ones best.

14. Make Him Beg - because you just spilled your coffee in his naked lap.

15. Treat Him to Don't-Lift-a-Finger Sex - look into traction.

16. Talk Dirty to Him - get swearing lessons from the navy.

17. Make Him Long for Your Lips - cover them in masking tape so he can never see them again.

18. Play No-Hands Nooky - break his hands.

19. Taunt Him - bring up his problems with premature ejaculation in front of his friends.

20. Enlighten Him - What is the sound of one hand masturbating?

21. Get Dirty with Him in the Tub - May I suggest 20 lb bags of fertilizer from Bob's Discount feces.

22. Tie Him Up - And rob him blind.

23. Imply That He's a Stud - But make sure he knows he isn't really. Or conversely convince him to climb inside the walls so you can hang a picture.

24. Make Him Hot, Then Cold - Force him to go through menopause

25. Seduce Him - because it's hard to think outside the box.

26. Toy with Him - Build a lego kit on his ass.

27. Rev Him Up for Round 2 - Of drunken Mario Carts.

28. Let Him Climb on Top - of the roof to finally fix the shingles.

29. Play Rough - break his feet as well as his hands.

30. Make It a Quickie - tell him the tortoise was run over by a truck.


Linda said...

LOL! #3 is my favorite especially since I just saw Away We Go. They talk about the seahorses giving birth in a very uncomfortable scene.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA! These are too funny. I agree with Linda that #3 is the best.

valerie said...

haha, these made me cackle. brett probably thinks i'm crazy!

Beth said...

You are officially my LOL of the Day (TM). Sheer brilliance, really.
I hate the type of article that you took on to such lol-orific good effect. I swear I read exactly the same list (sans funny comments) in one of my mom's issues of Cosmo back in 1984. Srsly.
And that's one of the many reasons why I haven't bought a "women's" magazine since about 1985.

Anyway, good job-great post!