It has not been a good couple of weeks. I've kept up the facade waiting to see if things would get better or hell even change for once, but no dice. And frankly I'm sick and tired of pretending.
All of you guys have been so good and helped drag me through some challenging times so you deserve just a glimpse of what went down and why I'm more protective of this place with its messy columns and ugly boarder than ever before.
I'd originally started my blog as anonymously as possible. I told two people, my husband who's been reading since day one and actually talked me into it and my best friend because well I couldn't keep things from her (she has mom eyes in both the back AND front of her head!)
As I got a bit more secure with it I shared it slowly with other friends, people who I don't see as much as I'd like so they could get a little glimpse of what I'm getting up to (no matter how droll or demented).
Then it happened, as it always seems to with even slightly anonymous blogs, people I didn't want to read it found it. People who would just as easily say the same damn things to each other but Oh God end of the world if the person they have valid complaints to actually hears their own thoughts.
Opinions are not allowed, you must conform to group think or be shot out of a cannon. Actually it's worse than that, there's this 1950's feel of pretending everything is great on the outside while underneath it all the dinner is on fire and everyone is drugging themselves up with Valium just to get through the day. (Which reminds me, I really need to get on the Mad Men train at some point. I just don't know if I can get over my AMC hate. TCM for president!).
And so I become persona non grata for having my own opinion, for not loving everyone because of what they did or happened to me. I'm evil because I dared to be stressed, upset, mad, or even stabby because of circumstances beyond my control.
All of you trusted readers know exactly what I am referring too, and yes, it would have been so much easier if I could have just told one person in the family how I was feeling to try and make it better. But you don't do that in that family. No, you just keep pretending everything is all great and nice and perfect.
If Perfect were a house it would be a pristine brownstone with white picket fence and ivy on the outside, but inside a dilapidated shack a small breeze away from falling over. Perfect is such a false pretense everyone tries to hide behind hoping it will make life livable when it's the imperfect moments that are the most cherished.
This whole thing has taught me a few things. Much like Elphaba I'd rather be vilified than try to keep correcting mistakes and problems that are out of my grasp. Don't really want to know what I think about someone? Then don't get together after parties and gossip about every single person there. Just keep it to yourself. Because when you get together and gossip you know that the next time when you aren't there, everyone is just gossiping about you.
So why am I not turning tail and hiding my blog, changing it to invite only or just giving up and turning in the keys? Because over the year and a half that I've had this place, watched it change under my hands from a little wedding blog to something so much more.
It's not just a journal of my life, it's a written history of correspondence. Of kind words from friends and blog friends who cheer me on through life, who offer advice when I need it, and who pushed me to explore new things.
I need creative outlets in my life (you'd be horrified by some of the weird stuff I did when much younger) and thanks to this blog I'm able to put together not only something artful trapped in the written word but also images, both paintings and pictures. It's really the pictures I have to thank my blog the most for.
If I hadn't of started this blog, and needed to take pictures for my PAD series I'd never have gotten the grasp of the camera I have. I'd never carry my camera with me everywhere I go and I'd miss out on pictures that would never happen again. Pictures like this of my Best Friends youngest son:Or even with a new puppy, before the PAD I'd at best take one or two pictures of Essie and before I know it she'd be a full 60 pound lab instead of a small puppy trying to find a way to lick the baby without all the mean adults telling her no:I have a lot of my blog to thank it for.
I will not go gently into that good night. I will not bend and bow to please every single person in my life. I will not change myself to suit everyone else. I will not delete this blog and hide my head in shame and go fit back into that box assumptions tries to put me in.
I will continue to fight to record my life and experiences so I can grow as well as look back and see how far I've come. And if everyone has to hate me to do that, so be it. I'd rather spend Christmas at home anyway.