You wanna know the worst time to try and bust out a new Martha Stewart approved recipe?
It starts when you're already rushed for time because in a few hours you have a class, preferably a class of a prop making type. You dash around trying to gather all the ingredients only to find some are missing and presumed consumed and do your best to not kick the or step on the puppy who must be under your feet at all times.
Looks rather gorgeous and tasty right? Not to mention simple, it's mostly chicken stock and seafood in a pot boiled for 20 minutes. A determined parrot with a stick should be able to make it.
But you have clearly under estimated my blundering abilities.
It starts with the garlic, that's usually the key to trouncing a dish into a corner somewhere. What you do is instead of watching the garlic roast and pulling it off the heat ignore it and work to give the puppy a few ice cubes and take all the unfinished tombstones off the table.
In that brief second you took your eyes off the pot the garlic will go from a white aromatic to a black charred nose burner. You know when you burn a clove and the kitchen has that horrible smell? Imagine torching 5 cloves to dragon flaming level.
Even the next morning our entire house still has that horrible smell like someone set a vampire hunter on fire.
This was my stock pot, you'll note the subtle differences between mine and Marthas: the black floating bits, the oily residue from a lack of Extra Virgin anything, the whatever was drug from the bottom of the sea lurking just below the surface.
The sad thing is that despite all the giant screw ups and ingredient substitutions it still didn't taste that bad. Okay so it was 90% sodium, and the bag of baby octopi and clams gave it a nice fishy taste but it was still edible.
At least it seemed that way last night. In the bright harsh fluorescent glow of day as my stomach turns and twists trying to break free of my body I'm starting to think it was a really bad idea.
I'm pretty sure the only time one should attempt a Martha recipe is when you've got five hours, a fully stocked grocery store down the block and the kitchen is spotless. Or better have a team of professionals do it while you kick back with a glass of wine and smile on benevolently.
Has anyone else had a not so stellar Martha Stewart reproduction experience (sounds like some sort of horrible breeding program. I shall cross Rachel Ray with Sandra Lee and release the hordes on the world to destroy any and all form of culinary art! Mwhahahah!)?
What are some of your favorite magazines to get new recipes from? I really only get two and I'll at best get one or two ideas from them a month so I'm really looking for something new and exciting.
But really, if I do not receive one million dollars in an unmarked bag you'll all be sorry with my Rachalee clones making you eat Kwanzaa cake and claiming it's Yummo!