Ever get so tired you just don't care about anything anymore?
Background exhaustion starts out small, a term paper here a test there. Then suddenly there's a job you have to find and you stress and stay up nights worrying about that and if you can even afford to have the job. But the adult train doesn't stop there.
There's still that American dream of a spouse and a house. Both time and energy suckers.
Add in a puppy and any and all free time you may have had is reduced down to that rare one hour in which she's passed out on the pillow in the living room.
In that one hour you have to clean up and prep dinner for tomorrow, get a shower in as it's your husband's in the morning, take care of any actual business, and try to upload and look through pictures to then post on a blog barely anyone visits or comments on anymore.
Missing from that hour is a chance to really relax, to actually sit back and just enjoy the rare time we have together. No, there's pots to clean and toilets to scrub. Weeds to pull and dinner to prepare.
And all the while we have a puppy who's so co-dependant she won't go outside unless one of us is with her the whole time. Trying to get anything done while a puppy is demanding your attention is simply not an option. Unless you like teeth and claw marks all over your legs.
But I try to ignore the constant pressure, but on the happy face and act lighthearted. I comb my brain for useless metaphors, goofy jokes and non sequiturs only to have it all fall on deaf ears.
Everyone cares about the bride, no one gives a shit about the wife. They love you when you're something new and exciting and leave you as soon as it's done never realizing that life is always interesting regardless of what stage you're at.
Life tries to beat you into submission. It's just so much easier to fall into the cliches, the woman in pearls and sweater vest dusting and moping with a slightly drugged up smile on her face. It's what everyone expects and it's so much easier to want what you expect instead of trying to think for yourself.
I have some thinking to do. I keep hoping something I can do will change it or make it better but I'm coming to realize it really has nothing to do with me.
Come December when this Picture a Day thing is over I'm going to take a break from the blog. How long it lasts depends on how things go from here til then. What used to be mad fingers churning thoughts out of my brain is now me staring at the dreaded the blank white screen. I've had stumbling blocks throughout the whole process but this is something much bigger.
Creativity and excitement is gone. Encouragement is gone. About the only thing still here is the reminder that one day in the future I will look back on this and be glad I put so much work into capturing my life.
But for now I'm just very very tired.